
Guten Tag, people, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day. This post has nothing to do with Ireland or the Irish. I’ve been busy today trying to plan a trip to Puerto Rico, while knowing nothing about the island other than it’s in the middle of the Atlantic, is home to DFO’s Suavest Man, has less-than-reliable power, and has an economy based on paper towels.
Also I don’t speak Spanish.
While I’ve sure we’ll get this done soon, in the mean time I kind of forgot about the whole Mock Draft thing until now, so I’m reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out the list of topics I remembered to write down during the off-season for just such occasions.
This week we’re drafting Worst Uniforms. I’m going to limit it to professions franchises, (because I might want to use amateur/college teams for another draft), but any sport is on the table. I also deem any national team on the table as well, as a) most of the players on those teams are paid to be there, and b) the US Men’s National Soccer Team could probably cover this draft by itself. I won’t post any images here, because I don’t want to interfere with anyone’s picks, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, whoever’s in charge of the uniforms for the USMNT needs serious pyschiatric help.
One other rule that I just made up to make everyone’s life difficult: the uniform in question has to have been a uniform is use throughout an entire season or tournament. Specialty uniforms, like those goddamn City Connect atrocities, are not eligible.
The Pittsburgh Steeler bumblebee unis are eligible, however, because those were in use for an entire season, just not one in recent history. Or apparently one where people could see in color.
Also home and away options are separate and distinct for purposes of this draft. If someone draft the home version the away version, (assuming it is also hideous), remains available. And vice versa.
For me the #1 pick here is so obvious I’ve made it the featured image. My god, what were the people in charge of the Vancouver Canucks branding/marketing thinking about in the late 70’s? Other than cocaine, of course.
The rest of you are on the clock. Get some eyeball bleach together and
For my fifth pick, the most notorious jersey of all time: Fiorentina.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it…
Oh. Oh no.
I might need a ruling on this one.
Montreal wore these early on in their existence, and were worn a few times during their 100th season a few years ago. They might not count but they’re still horrid.
In 1978, the Colorado Caribous competed in the NASL.
Fabulous.
How in God’s name are these still on the board?
My next pick.
Also I needed to check because I think they only wore them once, then the players revolted and they got rid of them.
But I’ll allow the pick regardless because I never did get around to checking, and also because they’re so hilariously bad.
They wore them thrice prior to said revolt and were not intended to be worn so…..”short” of a time period.
Fourth pick: Because nothing screams Scotland like red and yellow horizontal stripes.
2nd round US Women’s Cycling… they do look proud…
Colombia doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about (btw, this is not a pick)
I believe these are the “First Round and then Golf”
limitedmulti-year edition jerseys.I don’t think that’s hideous. I actually like it.
It’s the stink that’s on them and the soulless, empty black eyes of the players that wear them more than anything.
For my next pick, I select Napoli’s ode to Canadian soccer players everywhere. That’s right, it’s the All-Denim uni!
is it actually denim, or just made to look like it? Can’t tell from the pics
I can’t imagine playing an entire soccer game swaddled in denim, but I don’t have the Italian dedication to fashion either, so who’s to say?
Who wants Fishsticks?
Some people love those jerseys and want them back full-time.
Those people are wrong, and quite possibly deeply psychotic.
Count me as psychotic. I always thought they were fun.
Know nothing about Puerto Rico? Good thing I already had my first coffee and I’m halfway through my first nic gum! So let’s call that joshing, ha ha (from the heart).
1992 Lithuanian Basketball – Grateful Dead crossover. A very far-out idea, which I’m prone to love, but god daym what a cloying eyesore. Truly drained all the good will I used to have for hippie couture.
I should clarify, (claro?), that Don T has been providing much advice about Puerto Rico over the last few days. I’m learning!
You know what goes well with orange? A nice pair of slacks.
Cooper-alls were great as a kid, now not so much
Next pick: CD Palencia from Spain
Dear Jesus
¡Cristo Dios! Ejk.
1994 USMNT kits.
First of all it’s got Alexei Lalas in it, which isn’t a great start. Second, it’s faux denim and looks like the apotheosis of the “graphic design is my passion” meme.
Wait until you see my third pick…
April 14, 1911: “And now, please welcome, your Cincinnati Blues?
LA Kings “Burger King” Jersey
There’s no way that’s real. When?!?
The ’90s is strong with this one.
Oh they’re very real.
Wait, what?
They unveiled them in 95-96 as a 3rd jersey so technically this pick is correct, which is the best kind of correct.
Also they were unveiled after an 8-2 loss to, wait for it, the Hartford Whalers.
Hull City trying to be Cincinnati:
The group of people who authorized this never asked themselves Dr. Ian Malcolm’s idea of just because we could, doesn’t mean we should.
Padres – Every day, all day
the year does not matter
I need a specific uniform for it to count, so for now all Padres uniforms are available.
I personally love the classic Brown-&-Golds, but the Padres do have a deep well of atrocious uniforms. Please keep in mind their City Connect tropical unis are not eligible for the draft due to a technicality, but are certainly first-round talent.
Beating Gumbygirl to the punch.
1st round… hard to beat these babies…
Houston Astros from the 70s & 80s
Those are classics, Sir.
1993 Florida

eye bleachMarlinsMaybe not the “worst,” but, easily the worst debut unis for a franchise founded after I was born.
Here’s a tip about Puerto Rico. In Spanish that means ‘Port Rico Suave’ so you should dress like the people in the handy music video guide
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o8_f3kJOX_8
“Handy Music Video Guide” is Bob Kraft’s Orchids of Asia playlist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e07pKkKpJwA&pp=ygUeUGF1bHkgc2hvcmUgaXMgZGVhZCByaWNvIHN1YXZl