Guten Tag, people, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day. This post has nothing to do with Ireland or the Irish. I’ve been busy today trying to plan a trip to Puerto Rico, while knowing nothing about the island other than it’s in the middle of the Atlantic, is home to DFO’s Suavest Man, has less-than-reliable power, and has an economy based on paper towels.
Also I don’t speak Spanish.
While I’ve sure we’ll get this done soon, in the mean time I kind of forgot about the whole Mock Draft thing until now, so I’m reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out the list of topics I remembered to write down during the off-season for just such occasions.
This week we’re drafting Worst Uniforms. I’m going to limit it to professions franchises, (because I might want to use amateur/college teams for another draft), but any sport is on the table. I also deem any national team on the table as well, as a) most of the players on those teams are paid to be there, and b) the US Men’s National Soccer Team could probably cover this draft by itself. I won’t post any images here, because I don’t want to interfere with anyone’s picks, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, whoever’s in charge of the uniforms for the USMNT needs serious pyschiatric help.
One other rule that I just made up to make everyone’s life difficult: the uniform in question has to have been a uniform is use throughout an entire season or tournament. Specialty uniforms, like those goddamn City Connect atrocities, are not eligible.
The Pittsburgh Steeler bumblebee unis are eligible, however, because those were in use for an entire season, just not one in recent history. Or apparently one where people could see in color.
Also home and away options are separate and distinct for purposes of this draft. If someone draft the home version the away version, (assuming it is also hideous), remains available. And vice versa.
For me the #1 pick here is so obvious I’ve made it the featured image. My god, what were the people in charge of the Vancouver Canucks branding/marketing thinking about in the late 70’s? Other than cocaine, of course.
The rest of you are on the clock. Get some eyeball bleach together and
1996 Atlanta Games Team USA track uniforms deserved to be pipe-bombed.
Tampa Bay Creamsicles
https://ibb.co/1Y2CMH14
Those are the best uniforms ever made, sir!
Kelly green and baby blue. Why?
2019 Arizona Cardinals (whites)
They selected every available option Nike offered them. Stripe on side? Yes. Colored slash down leg? Yes. All-red socks. Yes. Had a bunch of fucking losers wearing them? BIG CHECK.
Cincinnati Bengals 2004-2020 Away Uniforms. Decent on the front but once they turn around, all you see is the orange shelf on top. It’s like the file was loading the white layer but froze once it got to the nameplate.
Alright I’m willing to incur Zymm’s wrath and pick everything the Terrapins have ever done.
And fuck old bay!
I still have the Old Bay Vodka.
Was that before the kids became professionals IRL though?
I love these! But I smoke a lot of dope.
The then-Indians wore these in the late-70’s, foreshadowing the NFL’s abominable “color-rush” Thursday Night Football turds, (which are not eligible here, as those are not regular uniforms), while also daring to ask the question “What if we played baseball in feetie-pajamas?”
70’s MLB unis are pretty much an abomination across the board, but these make me want to kick a puppy
special shoutout to the water tank caps!
Bus conductor. Hideous!
This is the Broncos 1960 season uniform-you know what they say, “Yellow and Brown, Flush it Down”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R3_Idm5z5w&pp=ygUZZG9kZ2ViYWxsIHMgYW5kIG0gY29zdHVtZQ%3D%3D
Average Joe’s Gym Dodgeball Team Alternate Uniforms
I think Christine Taylor might save those uniforms though.
Stephen Root pulls his off no?
For my fifth pick, the most notorious jersey of all time: Fiorentina.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it…
Oh. Oh no.
Yikes.
Unsee what? Is this one of those 3-D poster stuff? I saw nothing on those!
So you’re saying you did NOTZI it?
I might need a ruling on this one.
Montreal wore these early on in their existence, and were worn a few times during their 100th season a few years ago. They might not count but they’re still horrid.
If they were used at any point in the team’s history as a regular uniform, (See Pittsburgh Steelers, The: Bumble-Bee Abominations), they count.
In 1978, the Colorado Caribous competed in the NASL.
Fabulous.
It’s so much worse if you zoom in
Full story here: https://www.mlssoccer.com/news/strange-true-story-caribous-colorado-and-their-unforgettable-fringe-uniforms
Those unis ooze testosterone.
Apparently, the fringe was made of leather…
How in God’s name are these still on the board?
My next pick.
Also I needed to check because I think they only wore them once, then the players revolted and they got rid of them.
But I’ll allow the pick regardless because I never did get around to checking, and also because they’re so hilariously bad.
They wore them thrice prior to said revolt and were not intended to be worn so…..”short” of a time period.
If they weren’t intended to be a regular thing then they shouldn’t be eligible for this draft, but I will still allow this one because it’s just so goddamn bad.
You misread my wordplay. They were intended to be a regular thing but were….cut short.
Oh Jaysus, the sansabelt coach shorts. Total birth control.
Fourth pick: Because nothing screams Scotland like red and yellow horizontal stripes.
Oh I thought they were trying to have the uniforms match the Scottish men.
Pale and ugly.
2nd round US Women’s Cycling… they do look proud…
Colombia doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about (btw, this is not a pick)
I believe these are the “First Round and then Golf”
limitedmulti-year edition jerseys.I don’t think that’s hideous. I actually like it.
It’s the stink that’s on them and the soulless, empty black eyes of the players that wear them more than anything.
For my next pick, I select Napoli’s ode to Canadian soccer players everywhere. That’s right, it’s the All-Denim uni!
is it actually denim, or just made to look like it? Can’t tell from the pics
I can’t imagine playing an entire soccer game swaddled in denim, but I don’t have the Italian dedication to fashion either, so who’s to say?
Who wants Fishsticks?
Some people love those jerseys and want them back full-time.
Those people are wrong, and quite possibly deeply psychotic.
Count me as psychotic. I always thought they were fun.
Know nothing about Puerto Rico? Good thing I already had my first coffee and I’m halfway through my first nic gum! So let’s call that joshing, ha ha (from the heart).
1992 Lithuanian Basketball – Grateful Dead crossover. A very far-out idea, which I’m prone to love, but god daym what a cloying eyesore. Truly drained all the good will I used to have for hippie couture.
I should clarify, (claro?), that Don T has been providing much advice about Puerto Rico over the last few days. I’m learning!
You know what goes well with orange? A nice pair of slacks.
Cooper-alls were great as a kid, now not so much
Next pick: CD Palencia from Spain
Dear Jesus
¡Cristo Dios! Ejk.
1994 USMNT kits.
First of all it’s got Alexei Lalas in it, which isn’t a great start. Second, it’s faux denim and looks like the apotheosis of the “graphic design is my passion” meme.
Wait until you see my third pick…
April 14, 1911: “And now, please welcome, your Cincinnati Blues?
LA Kings “Burger King” Jersey
There’s no way that’s real. When?!?
The ’90s is strong with this one.
Oh they’re very real.
Wait, what?
They unveiled them in 95-96 as a 3rd jersey so technically this pick is correct, which is the best kind of correct.
Also they were unveiled after an 8-2 loss to, wait for it, the Hartford Whalers.
Hull City trying to be Cincinnati:
The group of people who authorized this never asked themselves Dr. Ian Malcolm’s idea of just because we could, doesn’t mean we should.
Padres – Every day, all day
the year does not matter
I need a specific uniform for it to count, so for now all Padres uniforms are available.
I personally love the classic Brown-&-Golds, but the Padres do have a deep well of atrocious uniforms. Please keep in mind their City Connect tropical unis are not eligible for the draft due to a technicality, but are certainly first-round talent.
Beating Gumbygirl to the punch.
Honestly, the bee unis grew on me. The jerseys did. But those canvas pants- kill them with fire!
If they had done straight up yellow pants that would have been amazing
1st round… hard to beat these babies…
Houston Astros from the 70s & 80s
Those are classics, Sir.
1993 Florida
eye bleachMarlinsMaybe not the “worst,” but, easily the worst debut unis for a franchise founded after I was born.
Here’s a tip about Puerto Rico. In Spanish that means ‘Port Rico Suave’ so you should dress like the people in the handy music video guide
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o8_f3kJOX_8
“Handy Music Video Guide” is Bob Kraft’s Orchids of Asia playlist.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e07pKkKpJwA&pp=ygUeUGF1bHkgc2hvcmUgaXMgZGVhZCByaWNvIHN1YXZl