Monday Morning Mock Draft: Are You Really Gonna Wear That?

Guten Tag, people, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day.  This post has nothing to do with Ireland or the Irish.  I’ve been busy today trying to plan a trip to Puerto Rico, while knowing nothing about the island other than it’s in the middle of the Atlantic, is home to DFO’s Suavest Man, has less-than-reliable power, and has an economy based on paper towels.

Also I don’t speak Spanish.

While I’ve sure we’ll get this done soon, in the mean time I kind of forgot about the whole Mock Draft thing until now, so I’m reaching into my desk drawer and pulling out the list of topics I remembered to write down during the off-season for just such occasions.

This week we’re drafting Worst Uniforms.  I’m going to limit it to professions franchises, (because I might want to use amateur/college teams for another draft), but any sport is on the table.  I also deem any national team on the table as well, as a) most of the players on those teams are paid to be there, and b) the US Men’s National Soccer Team could probably cover this draft by itself.  I won’t post any images here, because I don’t want to interfere with anyone’s picks, but Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, whoever’s in charge of the uniforms for the USMNT needs serious pyschiatric help.

One other rule that I just made up to make everyone’s life difficult:  the uniform in question has to have been a uniform is use throughout an entire season or tournament.  Specialty uniforms, like those goddamn City Connect atrocities, are not eligible.

The Pittsburgh Steeler bumblebee unis are eligible, however, because those were in use for an entire season, just not one in recent history.  Or apparently one where people could see in color.

Also home and away options are separate and distinct for purposes of this draft.  If someone draft the home version the away version, (assuming it is also hideous), remains available.  And vice versa.

For me the #1 pick here is so obvious I’ve made it the featured image.  My god, what were the people in charge of the Vancouver Canucks branding/marketing thinking about in the late 70’s?  Other than cocaine, of course.

The rest of you are on the clock.  Get some eyeball bleach together and

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For a post title we also would have accepted “Does This Uniform Make Me Look Fat?”

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ArmedandHammered

Holy Shit! Prime has the Kroft Super Show from the 70’s. Sigmund and the Wonder Bug, Dr. Shrinker, and Electra Woman and Dyna Girl. A Bedazzled Kaptain Kool and the Kongs! Gonna have to really toke it up tonight and watch.

ArmedandHammered

Whoops, Sigmund and the Seamonster, and WonderBug.

Senor Weaselo

How about the 1916 New York (baseball) Giants?

Purple. Plaid.
http://exhibits.baseballhalloffame.org/dressed_to_the_nines/images/nl_1916_newyork.gif

Sharkbait

This is ineligible, but it needs to be included as an honorable mention:
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When coach Mike Keenan saw them in the 1996 season (which they were going to wear them) he told the team to fuck off with those and they were never worn.

Last edited 1 hour ago by Sharkbait
Redshirt

The Seattle Seahawks wore this. And we allowed it to happen.

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Doktor Zymm

Was checking out some Australian kit and found these gems. 2012 MANLY-WARRINGAH COW-EAGLES

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DJ TAJ

Looks kind of like used mustard toilet paper

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Brick Meathook
blaxabbath

1996 Atlanta Games Team USA track uniforms deserved to be pipe-bombed.

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SonOfSpam

Ghost of Richard Jewell agrees

Brick Meathook

Tampa Bay Creamsicles

https://ibb.co/1Y2CMH14

ballsofsteelandfury

Those are the best uniforms ever made, sir!

Brick Meathook

Only Brick can ban Brick, which has been proven numerous times.

ALSO: You people have horrible taste. Don’t hate me just because I’m always right.

ballsofsteelandfury

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Gumbygirl

Kelly green and baby blue. Why?

1000005628
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun Fact: “Tulane” is what a one-lane road looks like from Britt Reid’s perspective.

blaxabbath

2019 Arizona Cardinals (whites)

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They selected every available option Nike offered them. Stripe on side? Yes. Colored slash down leg? Yes. All-red socks. Yes. Had a bunch of fucking losers wearing them? BIG CHECK.

Redshirt

Can we draft 2000s as a draft pick or do we need to draft individual mistakes?

Redshirt

Cincinnati Bengals 2004-2020 Away Uniforms. Decent on the front but once they turn around, all you see is the orange shelf on top. It’s like the file was loading the white layer but froze once it got to the nameplate.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright I’m willing to incur Zymm’s wrath and pick everything the Terrapins have ever done.

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And fuck old bay!

Sharkbait

I still have the Old Bay Vodka.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Makes sense, it’s not like anyone is going to drink any of it but it’s a second-degree felony to throw away alcohol. You need to go find some college kids to give it to.

Doktor Zymm

Sounds like something made for Bloody Marys

Sharkbait

Can confirm they are good in that. Not as good as TWBS ghost pepper vodka, but it works.

blaxabbath

Was that before the kids became professionals IRL though?

Gumbygirl

I love these! But I smoke a lot of dope.

Doktor Zymm

You’re basically just saying you hate the Maryland flag, and there are a TON of people who are rabid in its defense

Gumbygirl

70’s MLB unis are pretty much an abomination across the board, but these make me want to kick a puppy

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Don T

special shoutout to the water tank caps!
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Gumbygirl

Bus conductor. Hideous!

scotchnaut

This is the Broncos 1960 season uniform-you know what they say, “Yellow and Brown, Flush it Down”.

denver
Redshirt
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Stephen Root pulls his off no?

WCS

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ballsofsteelandfury

For my fifth pick, the most notorious jersey of all time: Fiorentina.

Once you see it, you can’t unsee it…

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Last edited 3 hours ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Sharkbait

Oh. Oh no.

Don T

Unsee what? Is this one of those 3-D poster stuff? I saw nothing on those!

ballsofsteelandfury

So you’re saying you did NOTZI it?

Don T

Oh right, very to the right :()

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s actually more noticeable to me than the accidental swastika is the combination of the pattern and the patch on the right to look like a purple space pope with his arms upraised.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s awesome!

Sharkbait

I might need a ruling on this one.comment image

Montreal wore these early on in their existence, and were worn a few times during their 100th season a few years ago. They might not count but they’re still horrid.

SonOfSpam

In 1978, the Colorado Caribous competed in the NASL.

Fabulous.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Don T

Those unis ooze testosterone.

ballsofsteelandfury

Apparently, the fringe was made of leather…

SonOfSpam

*Sexier

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How in God’s name are these still on the board?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

They wore them thrice prior to said revolt and were not intended to be worn so…..”short” of a time period.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You misread my wordplay. They were intended to be a regular thing but were….cut short.

Gumbygirl

Oh Jaysus, the sansabelt coach shorts. Total birth control.

ballsofsteelandfury

Fourth pick: Because nothing screams Scotland like red and yellow horizontal stripes.

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blaxabbath

Oh I thought they were trying to have the uniforms match the Scottish men.

Pale and ugly.

2Pack

2nd round US Women’s Cycling… they do look proud…

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ballsofsteelandfury

Colombia doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about (btw, this is not a pick)

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scotchnaut

I believe these are the “First Round and then Golf” limited multi-year edition jerseys.

toronto
ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think that’s hideous. I actually like it.

scotchnaut

It’s the stink that’s on them and the soulless, empty black eyes of the players that wear them more than anything.

ballsofsteelandfury

For my next pick, I select Napoli’s ode to Canadian soccer players everywhere. That’s right, it’s the All-Denim uni!

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Game Time Decision

is it actually denim, or just made to look like it? Can’t tell from the pics

Sharkbait

Who wants Fishsticks?

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WCS

Count me as psychotic. I always thought they were fun.

Don T

Know nothing about Puerto Rico? Good thing I already had my first coffee and I’m halfway through my first nic gum! So let’s call that joshing, ha ha (from the heart).

1992 Lithuanian Basketball – Grateful Dead crossover. A very far-out idea, which I’m prone to love, but god daym what a cloying eyesore. Truly drained all the good will I used to have for hippie couture.

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scotchnaut

You know what goes well with orange? A nice pair of slacks.

PANTS
Game Time Decision

Cooper-alls were great as a kid, now not so much

ballsofsteelandfury

Next pick: CD Palencia from Spain

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Sharkbait

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Don T

¡Cristo Dios! Ejk.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait until you see my third pick…

Redshirt

April 14, 1911: “And now, please welcome, your Cincinnati Blues?

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Sharkbait

LA Kings “Burger King” Jersey

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ballsofsteelandfury

There’s no way that’s real. When?!?

WCS

The ’90s is strong with this one.

Sharkbait

Oh they’re very real.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Hull City trying to be Cincinnati:

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WCS

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The group of people who authorized this never asked themselves Dr. Ian Malcolm’s idea of just because we could, doesn’t mean we should.

ArmedandHammered

Padres – Every day, all day

ArmedandHammered

the year does not matter

BugEyedBoo

Beating Gumbygirl to the punch.

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Gumbygirl

Honestly, the bee unis grew on me. The jerseys did. But those canvas pants- kill them with fire!

Doktor Zymm

If they had done straight up yellow pants that would have been amazing

2Pack

1st round… hard to beat these babies…

retro
Jimbo

Houston Astros from the 70s & 80s

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WCS

1993 Florida eye bleach Marlins
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Maybe not the “worst,” but, easily the worst debut unis for a franchise founded after I was born.

Doktor Zymm

Here’s a tip about Puerto Rico. In Spanish that means ‘Port Rico Suave’ so you should dress like the people in the handy music video guide
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o8_f3kJOX_8

LemonJello

“Handy Music Video Guide” is Bob Kraft’s Orchids of Asia playlist.

WCS

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