ABOUT A MONTH LATER…..

Somewhere in North Carolina –

“Yesssss, mom!  I’m there!   Aggh!  Why r u so akward?”

She listened to her mom drone on about getting food for the house. Like she needed to be reminded about eating!  As if!  Duh. She got out of the truck and started walking.

Dave watched her and let out a bit of exhaust in disgust.  She was nice enough but damn she was stupid!  She would have gotten along great with the dumbass, he reflected.  Things had been different since he had gone.

Through a mixture of misadventures, bad decisions, and necessity, Dave was now owned by Cassandra, Goth Goddess of the Dark, née Samantha Fields.  It was around her 16^th birthday that she decided she hated her name because it was so boring and that she would look really good in black.  A little purple highlight here, a lot of dark eyeliner there, and voilà, Cassandra was born.  She insisted on everyone calling her by her title and, only if she knew them well enough, eventually by her new name.  Anyone who dared call her by her government name got either cut by her trusty fold-out knife from Home Depot or got cunt-kicked hard enough to accelerate their period.

She had been sent to get milk, cereal, and bacon.

The following year, she had gotten one of her boyfriends to give her Dave as a birthday present slash ritual sacrifice, complete with registration and title. She insisted on getting all-black floor mats and a black light for the interior.  Now, a year later, the boyfriend was long gone but she had kept the truck.  Her job at Hot Topic paid for gas and insurance.  She liked the truck way more than she ever did the boyfriend.

Dave didn’t really mind, to tell the truth.  Sure, the clove smell was annoying (she sprinkled some out of the McCormick container as she didn’t smoke) but she was a good driver and washed him regularly.  Maybe one of these days, he would let her in on his little secret and they could be pals.  He had not had anyone to talk to since the dumbass had gone.

He watched her walking towards the grocery store but then suddenly make a right.  It was then that he felt a presence he had not felt in a very long time.

“Dumbass?”, he said loudly.

***

Los Angeles, CA –

“Baby?  Where’s the olive oil?

“Where it always is.”

“Huh.  I think we’re out.”

“Yeah.  Remember Tuesday night?”

“Oh yeah.  My bad!  Remind me not to try that again.”

“Hey, it was worth trying.  Now we know.”  Lady Balls kissed Balls.  “Just use butter instead.  I bought this new Euro butter at Trader Joe’s that’s supposed to be pretty good.”

“Okay baby”.  Balls kissed Lady Balls back and went to the fridge to get the butter.  He cut a chunk and dropped it on the pan.  It made a hiss and he swirled the pan around to evenly coat the bottom.

As he cooked, Lady Balls grabbed his bare butt and gave it a squeeze.  “I can’t wait for our Europe trip!  I’m so glad you were able to get away from work.”

“Me too.  I told them I wouldn’t have any cell coverage and no Wifi.  They think we’re going to the Amazon.”

“That reminds me.  Next spring we need to go to Rio for Carnaval.”

“You want Rio or Venice?”

“Rio.  It will be warm and I want to dress like the locals.”

“Meaning wear as little as possible?”

“Yup.  You know that goes for you too, right?”

“You think I have a problem with that?”  He turned around and lifted up his apron.

“First eggs, then sausage.”

***

Parking Lot Outside the Grocery Store in North Carolina –

Cassandra, Goth Goddess of the Dark, turned around quickly and started running towards Dave.

“Dave!  Holy shit!  How the fuck are you?”

“You LEFT ME, motherfucker!”

“It wasn’t my fault!”

“How the fuck is it not?”

“Dude.  I DIED!”

“I figured that one out, asshole.  Last time I saw you, you weren’t packed tightly into a black dress two sizes smaller than what you need and have your boobs popping out.”

“She’s not bad, huh?”

“Actually, she’s a pretty good owner.  I was thinking about letting her know about me.”

“You cheating on me?”

“You left me.”

“Fair point.  Listen, I’m sorry.  Here’s what happened…”

TWBS told Dave everything leading up to that moment in time.  Dave was partly surprised, partly impressed, and partly curious.

“That all sounds pretty good for you.  So, you’re almost done?”

“Yup. She’s my last one.  Once I get her to go into the Red Cross over there and she goes through with it, I can go back to Saint Petey and shove it in his smug face!”

“Sure you want to do that?”

“Well, I’ll be nice about it.”

“Right.”  A short awkward moment of silence ensued.

“Sooooooo, do you think you can take me with you?”

“Can I do that?”

“Why not?  You convinced him to go along with this plan.  You’ve now achieved the goal.  Why wouldn’t he?”

“It’s worth a shot.  I’ll bring it up and let you know what he says.  Now that I know where you are!”

“Sweet!”

“Hey, I’ve only got a few minutes left in this girl, let me go finish this out.  I’ll pop back in later.”

***

Random 7-11 in Southern California –

Balls walked through the aisles looking for Sponch.  He had the Celsius, the Monster Ultra, and the bear claw.  He just needed the Sponch.

He finally found it in the bottom shelf and thought about how that was disrespectful.  Sponch should be mid-level at worst.  He carried his things to the counter where the young Indian girl was waiting for him.

“Anything else?”

“Nah, I think I’m good.”

“No lottery tickets?  The jackpot is almost a billion!  Everyone is getting them today.”

“When’s the draw?”

“Saturday.”

“I’m flying out that day. I’m good.”

“What about a scratcher then?”

Balls laughed.  “You’re not with the Lottery office, are you?”

The lady laughed back, “No. Not at all.”

Balls said, “Okay fine.  I’ll take a scratcher.”

The girl loosened up her top buttons.  “Let me pick it for you.  I’ll give you good luck!”

Balls felt a little weird but went along with it.  She said, “You have to pay for the scratcher in cash.  They won’t let us do it on a credit card.”

Balls gave her a $5 bill and she went through the tickets with a flourish as if she was a magician picking out the card Balls had chosen.

Finally, she said, “This one!” and handed him a ticket.

“Thanks!”

“No, actually, thank YOU.  I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Huh?  Dude?”

“Yup.  I just finished my task.  I had to come back and thank you.”

“Nice!  That’s awesome!  Lady Balls will be very happy to hear that!  So, what’s next?”

“I just came back one last time to thank you before I go up to Saint Peter and present my case.  After that, we’ll see.  Oh, I’m also going to see if I can get Dave into Heaven with me!”

“You can do that?”

“Maybe?  Anyway, I wanted to tell you thank you and that I love you for doing this for me.”

“Any time, man.  I’m glad we could help.”

“Don’t spend that all in one place.”

Balls looked down at his ticket.  “You didn’t.  I thought you couldn’t use your secret knowledge!”

“This Indian girl actually made it easy for me.  She got you to buy the ticket.  I just picked it out.  I didn’t pass on any secret knowledge to you so I’m in the clear.  Loopholes, baby!”

“Would it be strange if I hugged you as an Indian 7-11 cashier?”

“Yes, let’s not do that.”

“Okay.  So, will I ever see you again?”

“I have no idea. I don’t know what’s on the other side.”

“Yeah….  Okay…..  Well…. take care man.  It’s been emotional.”

“That’ll be $15.34.”

The girl was noticeably embarrassed as she buttoned up her blouse.

***

40,000 feet above the Indian Ocean inside a Singapore Suite on a Singapore Airlines A380 bound for London –

“Baby, this is awesome!”

“I know!  We have our own private bed!  We can do the Mile High Club in comfort!”

“Totally!  Did you thank the baboso for me?”

“Yeah.  I think. Honestly, I don’t remember. I probably did.”

“Ay Dios Mio!  The man/ghost/whatever gives you a hundred K on a lottery ticket and you don’t even thank him?”

“Oopsies?”

Lady Balls shook her head, but she was smiling as she did it.  She playfully shoved him in the shoulder, took a final sip of her drink, and leaned back on her seat.  She hit the button for the flight attendant, who arrived within one minute.  The flight attendant opened the curtains slightly.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“Hi!  Can I please give you this?  I’m done with it.”  Lady Balls handed her the empty glass.

“Sure, anything else?”

Balls piped up, “Can I please get a Ginger Ale?”

“By itself?”

“Yes, please.”  The flight attendant left to get Balls’ drink.  He turned to Lady Balls, “You know.  Family tradition.”

“Sip.  Amen!”

The flight attendant returned with the ginger ale and Balls raised his glass, “To the baboso, wherever he may be!”

Lady Balls mimed raising a drink.  As she was lowering her hand, a head poked out between the curtains.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you.  Can I say something to both of you?”

Lady Balls looked up, “Are you Jennifer Love Hewitt?”

“Yes, I am.”

Lady Balls introduced herself and Balls.  She then asked, “You said you wanted to say something to us?”

“Yes.  Actually, I have a message for you.  He’s in.  He was allowed in.”

“Who?”

“You call him The Baboso”

Lady Balls and Balls looked at each other.

“Huh?  How the?”

“It wasn’t just a TV show.”

“Wait, seriously?”

“Yup.  Why do you think I was a Producer and got an Executive Producer credit the last season?”

“Well, I’ll be…”

“Anyway, I just wanted to let you know.  He’s in good hands.”

“Wow!  Thank you!  BTW, I love your breasts!  Who’s your surgeon?”

“Oh, thank you! I love yours too!  It’s…”

Lady Balls and Jennifer Love Hewitt started complimenting each other on their breasts and their plastic surgeons while a huge swell of happiness washed over Balls.

Two tears of happiness started to appear in his eyes, so he turned away from the ladies to avoid the embarrassment and looked out the window.  After a few seconds, he swore he saw TWBS with a peaceful and joyful smile in the driver’s seat of Dave while they were doing donuts on a cloud.

LE FIN