Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards [in bed].
Soren Kirkegaard
Does this mean that sleeping is like pausing life?
As some of you may know, I’m the resident lacrosse degen, and still kinda play lacrosse. The rules have been changed so that there’s no cross-checking or slashing, along with others to get the ball moving with no contact, so a bit easier on the body. However, I’ve been asked to play with a travel team, so played 4 games in 36 hours starting Friday night to Sunday morning, and then I’m playing again on Monday night for my house league. I’m not sure if I should be scared that on Monday, at time of writing, that I’m not too sore or if i should be happy that my tiny workouts have left me able to run all weekend without getting to sore. I guess time will tell.
We went 2-1-1 for the weekend, but that tie should have been a win, if one of my teammates didn’t do dumb things with 12 seconds left on the clock when the other team already had a penalty shot against them, with the score tied at 4. It’s like some of these guys have never played before and don’t understand any of the rules*.
* they all have played before and some at the highest levels, but it’s all about the individual stats apparently**
**penalty minutes are not one of the stats to brag about, goals, baby, we want goals.
Way to much drama for what’s basically to be a weekend of lacrosse with the boys.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Hi.
Some number of years ago, Prince died on my birthday, totally hogging all the attention.
Welp, today, Pope Francis has done the same. Thanks a lot, kewl pope.
SonOfSpam
Just got back from teppanyaki birthday dinner. SO FAT. And when it’s your birthday, this place gives you a to-go Sapporo (instead of cake or something stupid).
SonOfSpam
As the nominations for the papacy begin to roll in. A new exalted leader has risen from the stink to move all mankind forward. To your knees naive, welcome the NEW truth, the new way.
The Time has Come
DJ TAJ
I hope this dude is the next Pope
Doktor Zymm
I can’t help snickering at the way he drew the dead Pope…
BeefReeferLives
Redshirt
I hope the new pope is one of those fun popes from the early church. You know, a pope with at least one mistress, a disturbing fetish to two, a couple of kids he’s grooming to succeed him, and just no interest in anythingnother than expanding the power of The Vatican to at least take over Rome.
Maybe a name like a Sylvester XVIII as well.
Horatio Cornblower
I want a black pope who has to fiercely resist pressure to take the name Pope Urban IX.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’m also excited about the upcoming Pope draft. What do you think Fozz’s MIL will do if the next Pope is black?
Doktor Zymm
Ok back from the Angels game, they were shut out 3-0 by the Pirates, offense was more impotent than Brett Favre. Only had time for two beers. Thanks Obama.
Beer #3 will be considerably cheaper than the first two.
SonOfSpam
Was it a rest day for Ohtani and Trout? Oh wait…
Mr. Ayo
I am drunk, but even so trying to make a joke here about how mucj fish the japanese eat. Yeah i know it’s not funny but trout is a fish yeah?
Doktor Zymm
Oh god this is horrible sorry and I owe you an entertainment
Doktor Zymm
Black doesn’t really have the symbolism nowadays does it? Who gives a shit if whoever modern day Johnny Cash is wears black? Imma wear chartreuse
Doktor Zymm
The color, not the liquor, that would be so sticky
Doktor Zymm
I’ve just spent like 2 minutes debating whether I’m shitfaced so probably not.
Johnny Cash has a great voice, that’s good enough for some stuff
Doktor Zymm
If I lived closer to the border and had the energy I would just drive back and forth over it to piss off ICE and also smuggle something because why not
Doktor Zymm
The problem with ice is that they’re more like a federal rural sherif than a refined government agency.
Plus they have the kind of people who want to live near the boarder. Meaning, their staff is highly comfortable with a warzone-like atmosphere 24/7.
They’re a big employer in Tucson.
Tucson sucks.
blaxabbath
Still I’m white enough and middle aged lady enough that I would totally provoke them if I wasn’t so lazy and kinda far
Doktor Zymm
Life would be better if I was a psychopath. Mine at least. Is this the denouement of humanity’s competitive advantage? If you look at birds of paradise for example, they evolve beyond the point of practicality for breeding advantage and become endangered. Humans had cooperation as the advantage and now we have JD Vance and Musk spewing babies and fucking over people. Huh. I’m well on the way to shitfaced because this only kinda makes sense and I’m also back to Deep Thoughts but like Jordan Peterson quality ew
Doktor Zymm
Well, the HOA meeting tonight which I presided over as President, was a shit show of epic proportions. I lost it, I went off. We have people trying to stymie progress on an issue, if they would just let us get it to an actual vote, it would put an end to their concerns because I know it would go their way. An hour of being yelled at, people lying, somebody who has never done shit in the HOA or the neighborhood that I know of, yelling at me due to me not doing my job perfectly. Really. Fuuuuucccckkkkkk, I should have done that stoned as hell.
ArmedandHammered
Issue an executive order disbanding the HOA. Problem solved.
Mr. Ayo
Heading out to release the Angels or whatever. First time in probably two years.
The Angels are .500 so this is gonna be as good as it gets. Have a nice time here while I’m gone, no Russian bots.
SonOfSpam
The cat who stopped eating is kinda sorta back to eating and is back to going outside during the day and so far he’s brought us back a dead mole and a pretty much alive baby rabbit. I took the latter away from him and released it into some brush, and now this ungrateful feline is yowling is head off to get back outside, presumably to finish what he started.
I am beginning to think karma may not reward me for saving his self-starving ass.
Horatio Cornblower
I’m shocked Jay Feeley is running as a Republican inspired to serve after Trump’s assassination attempt.
Just cause someone missed to the right doesn’t mean we need to hear from a kicker.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
no surprise he joined a group that is in favor of moving the goalposts
Gatoraids
Baked Chicken wants to make a prediction
The Saints Have never, NEVER drafted a quarterback in the first round and they won’t again this evening. Guaranteed however to screw it up as always.
Go Chicken you get you some.
DJ TAJ
Jeeesus, that’s the scariest place. Stick to the graveyards Taj, the dead won’t hurt you or try to steal your money. They just want somebody to notice them. The witch lady appears to be wearing her gutchies inside out and backwards, I can see the tag!
Gumbygirl
The Dr. Mrs. doesn’t cut the tags out of her new clothes. She’ll pull off the paper part, but doesn’t bother clipping the plastic loop. I can’t understand it at all. Having that rubbing against me would drive me fucking crazy.
Then again, she lets me rub against her sometimes, which would have most folks rating her sanity as highly questionable, so perhaps I should keep my fool mouth shut.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
In case you were wondering why I left the Church, God gave this kid a debilitating neuromuscular disorder and made him a Bills fan.
Horatio Cornblower
/Jim Kelly drops jaw again
King Hippo
tommy cutlets
fleshwound_NPG
Wrap it up, Packer dick.
Jimbo
-Jenn Sterger
SonOfSpam
THIS BATTLE OF ONTARIO LEMME TELL YA I CALL IT DIANNE FEINSTEIN BECAUSE THESE SENATORS ARE DEAD
fleshwound_NPG
Mark this down: just delivered my first baby over the phone.
Just typing that makes me realize how weird that sequence of words is together that way…
WCS
You can do that over the phone? I had to go to the hospital, I could have saved a lot of time and money!
Gumbygirl
Okay, one more.
Beerguyrob
The piling on continues…
Beerguyrob
Mel Kiper desperately flashing Tom Brady 6th rnd pictures to himself like the end of Boogie Nights
Gatoraids
Don T
Tuesday:
Boss: “Your coworkers are complaining that you are looking over their shoulders and checking their work.”
Me: “I don’t mean, too, but if I see a problem, I try to get it fixed so no one gets in trouble.”
Boss: “Just focus on your own tasks, Redshirt.”
Friday:
Me: “Boss, we screwed up. Twice.”
Boss: “How’d this happen?!”
Me: “Don’t know. Was focused on my own tasks.”
Redshirt
Brocky
This is wha’ happen when society looks down on kink shaming!!!
King Hippo
Brocky
Back from the eye doctor.
Gotta admit, I was a little nervous about this visit.
My vision has gotten pretty fucking shitty and I’m fully cognizant of that. I was really worried about cataracts and such possibly fucking with my fall trip to Barcelona.
Turns out my vision has gotten worse because I’m fucking 63 years old but all I needed were new glasses.
Plus my blood pressure was 120/66.
I’m doing tip fucking top! So I treated myself to new glasses with Gucci frames.
Doctor said to keep doing what you’re doing!
It’s beer thirty! Doctors orders!
yeah right
Now the conversation is Shadeur Sanders suing to return to college for his final year of eligibility.
We’ve gone Plaid!
Redshirt
at this point the NIL would pay better
Gatoraids
I don’t think after this. This is the football equivalent of dropping out of the primaries in August.
Redshirt
Please draft.
Gatoraids
Shot
rockingdog
Chaser
rockingdog
Welcome back Buddy, glad to hear you had a great time. This looks delicious, pretty easy to make too. I’m adapting here. Found out it’s still not T shirt and shorts running weather in Wisconsin.
2Pack
My burning question this trip : WTF is a Hyun Kona? And WTF did they rent it to me, what have I done to deserve this? This thing irritates more each day… makes a fella miss Fiat rentals even.
2Pack
The Hyundai Kona is a by the South Korean manufacturer Hyundai. It debuted in June 2017 and has since been cancelled. You are being rented this vehicle due to its low price, great gas mileage, and disposability.
Mr. Ayo
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
NOTE banner image from here
Jeb! will always have a place in my heart.
This is awesome:
This Pretend Man City 2301 ah call Najeh Davenport’s hamper because we CAN NOT keep a clean sheet!
The 19th century Irish were so lazy they only managed to emigrate the shortest possible distance
To be fair, they’d get 3rd degree sunburns in 2 of the other 3 cities within seconds of setting foot on land.
Not ideal, could have been a lot worse.
Today hung a dozen pictures, cleaned the carpet and hooked up a new internet and cable system for Mom. Tomorrow is furniture restoration day. This is good for the soul. Her place will be her little palace when I get through.
You are a good son!
Arsenal off set pieces are just ridiculous.
Not quite as the ridiculous as the lobbying-the-referee PSG is engaged in right now, but still pretty ridiculous in a different way.
Oh good lord, Arsenal had like 4 guys offside.
This week, I learned that Danny DeVito is a life-long Gooner. Use this knowledge wisely.
Think I just sprained my larynx after yelling CAAAAAABROOOOOOOOOOOOnG to a cyclist who cut me off and deserved to be run over. He looked scared and ashamed. Let’s call it a Draw.
I yell that at people all the time now too. Thanks for teaching me that!
So apparently Derek Carr’s wife had a miscarriage and I’m trying to figure out why the heck she hasn’t been arrested yet.
If you have $$$ they let you do it.
That’s a self-abortion.
String her up.
It’s just another emo kid self-harming, no big deal
I guess Dick is always trying to get in.
https://people.com/dick-van-dyke-wants-to-make-cameo-on-a-man-on-the-inside-with-ted-danson-exclusive-11723352
We watched a couple episodes of that show. It’s sweet but there aren’t enough sexy young candy-stripers.
I cancelled Netflix 2 years ago. I don’t think I’m missing much.
We’re probably one more price hike away from doing the same.
You guys are missing out on instant classics like Tom Hardy’s ‘Havoc’ and by instant classic I mean “this money could have been better spent wiping my ass”
I tried watching it this weekend, and after about 20 minutes gave up on it.
I think it’s been around 10 years for me, it’s been a-ok
These medication commercials are pretty weird. Almost like they don’t want you to buy the stuff.
I hated when they started showing, there are a few I will not take unless i actually see the percentage of patients who experienced side effects and what what they were.
Yeah the side effects they are obligated to mention just make you sorta tune the whole product out. You wonder why they even bother… Oh wait… What’s that?… Ohhh… Big Pharma…
You can eat anything once.
And sometimes only once.
It’s a clever little con they’ve figured out. Big pharma gives money to Big Media in exchange for favourable portrayals while sexy pharma reps hand out kickbacks to doctors for prescribing their medicines.
Regular people can’t buy these drugs directly, so who are they selling to? It’s an incestuous circle.
I’ve heard they’re talking about banning those ads. That will be quite interesting…
The networks/streaming services would not like this, nor would the pharmaceutical companies. It will not happen.
Oh, I know. That’s why I think it’s funny there’s talk about it.
My sister-in-law was jealous about my brother becoming a nurse. I don’t think my brother told her about the pharmaceutical reps now that he’s a NP.
Smart man
I wouldn’t go that far, being my brother and all.
I do recall going to a certain doctor for the first time and after explaining my issue he literally rifled through a ‘free samples’ cabinet and said, “Why don’t you try these?” and then shrugged. That was the one and only visit.
/of course I tried it-I like free stuff!
Yeah the only ads we get are the over counter stuff. The rest is simply doctor – patient bidnezz.