Yeah, how bout that? Road teams in Round 2 kicking names and taking ass thus far. Except for the Panthers, who managed to do the seemingly impossible and make the Leafs look sympathetic. (How does this affect the Leafs’ Cup chances? Anywhere from 0 to negligible.)
(In an absolute shocker, Stolarz didn’t practice this morning. Woll will start and Matt Murray will be the backup. As someone who’s had a concussion and was vomiting, though I don’t think it was blood but in fairness I was 8 and busy being concussed… yeah, that isn’t good.)
In other news:
George Pickens IS A GOTDAMNED STAR, YEEHAW! (Pickens and a 2027 5th for a 2026 3rd and 2027 6th)
In other WR news, the Jaguras have released Gabe Davis, after signing him to a 3-$39M deal last year. This season’s $1.5M salary and $10M bonus were fully guaranteed, so Davis’ll still make his money. This burns $20.3 in dead cap for DUUUUVALLLLL.
Okay, so what’s on tonight?
Yes, there’s playoff games!
Hockey first (non-Mammoth edition*)
Teams you hate for varieties of reasons (FLA vs. TOR, Maple Leafs lead 1-0) (7:00, ESPN, probably TSN)
The Game 7 ass-pullers series! (DAL vs. WPG, Game 1) (9:30, ESPN, probably TSN)
Basketball Jonesing
Mikal Bridges trying to justify all them picks vs. Brick City (non-Newark edition) (NYK vs. BOS, Knicks lead 1-0) (7:00, TNT) (I should hit up Wingstop one of these days, it’s been a while! Like, back when I worked in Astoria.)
MVP SHOWDOWN! (DEN vs. OKC, Nuggets lead 1-0) (9:30, TNT)
CAN Cham, non-headphone edition
Forge FC Hamilton vs. HFX Wanderers FC (7:00, FS2)
And other things on various streaming services, like the Yankees back on Prime (much to everyone’s chagrin), SexiMexi futból, the US Open Cup which involves teams you’ve never heard of (and also the Tampa Bay Rowdies—hey, the Cosmos are on indefinite hiatus again and have been since… 2021? Oh, they’re fucked). And (hopefully) doubleheader diceball: it’s the Battle On Long Island, and I’m gonna need a sweep for the Nocturnes to have any chance of making the playoffs! (Edited post-Game 1 and we only played 1: Nope, no playoffs. That sucked. You have the guy who’s already set the most hits allowed record and you get 5 hits? No playoffs for you.)
*Instant Utah Mammoth thoughts: Name is fine, especially considering it’s been leaked for the last however long, and I do like the tusks in the lettering for the U and for Utah. Apart from the fact that I’m pretty sure that I’ve seen that logo, sans mountains, in Madden ’21, or the last one I played on my phone, it’s functional. It needs some sort of wooly mammoth brown or make it desert rock brown instead of black—that could be the eye color instead of the blue. Other than that, it’s fine. It’s not “Holy shit this is the greatest logo in sports history” but for now as long as it’s functional and not a total whiff it should be fine. Future iterations might want to do even more with the tusks as a possible hockey stick play for secondary or tertiary logos. Tusks Up is a little obvious, on account of the NLL Colorado Mammoth having #TuskUp as their thing already. But listen, that’s still better than renaming your team after a sports team ALREADY in the city (looking at you again, Cleveland Guardians, Spiders was still right there.)
My brother just told me his daughter is graduating from college this Saturday. So is my nephew. I have a livestream of nephew’s ceremony, he’s the one with the dogkiller as the speaker. As far as I know, niece does not have a problematic speaker at her graduation, and she went to the same school as Gumby, before he joined the Navy. I sent both of them a nice check. My question is, why am I so fucking hammered? I had three glasses of wine. Such a lightweight, it’s embarassing.
gold star efficiency, while it lasts
You’re going to save so much money! Congrats!
Dehydrated
…
The story behind the Mammoth name. Back when I was nine years old, just outside my podunk home town, they discovered a partially fossilized Colombian Mammoth while digging a new dam. It was regarded as one of the most complete (and fresh) specimens ever.
Another fun fact, they found it on 8/8/88, which was the same day as the first night game at Wrigley field. That game got rained out. But that date was seared in just about everyone in Eastern Utah’s memory.
I’m watching the Maigret with Rowan Atkinson. Amazing set design and costumes, and he was very good as Maigret. Unexpectedly so. A big step up from Mr. Bean.
The man has range.
I like his representation. And agree the production was great.
So, Miko Rantanen is good at this hockey thing
I grew up in the crab, lived in the raccoon for quite a while and now I’m in the cat butt
Apparently, I really enjoy raccoon ass, since that’s pretty much where I’ve lived.
I’ve been a chunk of every one of these critters.
Moose is enjoying rat front even more tho
OKC got 87 in the first half tonight. That’s a lot!
(bunch of hosers confusedly scratch their toques)
Never mind.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS6PZb83fNs
God dammit.
Did the announcer just say “smell the glove” at 8:57 after a save?
Avs fans, look away!
13 points in 6 games. Damn!
Conn Smythe leader right now by a mile.
Natural hat trick! Holy shit!
Rooting for Winnipeg, but wish they would have kept the old name when they moved.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOgSTD7Kjrw
You beautiful Swiss bastard!
found an old Swatch?
Piece of cheese with holes under his couch.
“Tell me about that erotic furniture”
-JD Vance, massaging his nipples
Heather would want you to have it, she always said you couldn’t accessorize
Omg, this is a hedgehog getting a CT scan
Sonic has let himself go
I bet that is either one heavily sedated hedgie, or one REALLY pissed off hedgie.
Real talk
Star Wars Andor Season 2 is ROCKINGGGG!
📺
Like I kinda hope they reference this show in college poli sci classes
lol
*walks into clubhouse with a Knicks bandana around my wing-wang*
SAY GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO!
I hope you’re not actually Spike Lee. But Inside Man was good. “No, it didn’t deliver” – L. Graham
Jets Stars goaltending matchup brought to you by Hockey East, and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts
So far so good….
Anthem singer busting out a little French for the Quebecois. Kinky.
There are a lot of Manitobain in Winnipeg and Southern, Manitoba. The Metis as well. All the highway signs are bilingual there, yet only New Brunswick is a bilingual province.
Also Stamford Bridge is not in Chelsea.
lol made up words
WoUrds
“Conclave..running through our lives
Conclave…Voting on The One, Baby
Conclave, running through our minds…
Vision dreams of passion
Pope John Paul’s reaction!
DO IT!
Ticket to ride the Vatican highway
Pietro Parolin, you got to go my way!
Conclave…running through our minds
In your mind or through your veins
Nothing to gain, just killing your brain
Conclave…”
/to the tune of White Lines
I’d pop n lock to that.
And then you’d end up in traction. Because of the popping. And then the locking. Oh, the locking!
Are the 51st Staters in the Clubhouse, I have to ask: what happens if we end up with a Toronto-Winnipeg Cup Final?
Besides causing Bettman to possibly return to the Nethervoid where he originated, kind of like Pennywise and Cthulu, what are the ramifications for Canadia if that happens?
I think by law FloUrida becomes the however many provinces Canada has plus oneth province. Victoria, Alberta, New Brunswick, PEI, Newfoundland, Nunavut… Some other ones?
Oh, Quebec, Nova Scotia, and Ontario
Yukon?
Isn’t Labrador in there too?
It’s an addendum
WHOSA A GOOD PROVINCE!
Leftover Newfoundland?
BOOP!
That’s a territory. They’re different than provinces.
There are 10 provinces and 3 territories.
Northwest Territory is a really lazy name for a territory
That’s rich coming from a place with multiple Dakotas.
And Carolinas. And Virginias.
Trade you BOTH Dakotas for, say, British Columbia.
The only province with good weather for two south Manitobas? You must be reading the art of the deal.
Just 3, North, South, Fanning
Also 2 Montanas, regular and Hannah
Everything else aside, Toronto is amazingly careless with the puck in their own zone.
In their defense, they’re not used to being in the 2nd round and certainly not with a lead.
“AGHH, THIS ISN’T A GOLF BALL!!!”
They’ve all the firepower in the world and are just starting to figure out the defensive end of the game. It’ll come too late this year but them bastards might be a playoff force to be reckoned with in 2026.
/I say this as a hater that wishes every airplane they fly on the worst luck with respect to the landing gear
Where can I find the odds on the conclave? I wanna know the line on number of votes
Can’t find that. But you can bet on number of rounds.
https://polymarket.com/markets?_q=conclave
Yeah, rounds of voting is what I meant. I will totally toss a couple bucks on 9 rounds in a few hours when I land in Chicago and am legally allowed to do that particular dumb thing with my own money
https://www.oddschecker.com/novelty/pope/next-pope
Were I a bookie, I would list “Donald Trump – 1000-1” just to sponge a few MAGA bucks.
easy favorite
We need a pope that fucks. Grownups.
No Borgias in the running this year
Suck it, Florida.
(this is for the hockey game, but also applies in general)
You can’t go wrong including ‘suck’ and ‘Florida’ in the same sentence, tbf…
I’m thinking “It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself” is probably the state motto
I CALL THIS LEAF/PANTHERS PLAYOFF THE IOCANE SERIES BECAUSE CHOOSING BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS INCONCEIVABLE!
Austin Matthews looks like the guy at the end of the bar who never shuts up about how he could have been a great hockey player except for that knee injury in 8th grade.
You mean Grade 8 – All of Canadia (in unison)
Graude 8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDfAdHBtK_Q
Will the Disney princesses have to wear burkas?
https://www.npr.org/2025/05/07/nx-s1-5389601/disney-park-abu-dhabi
The HonoUr Killing coaster should be dope af!
Watching a 30-for-30 on the old NY Jets Sack Exchange and holy shit, Mark Gastineau has not aged well.
This is perhaps the least surprising thing I have heard all day
Leafs Panthers has the potential to get ugly fast.
Fingers crossed!
-Can’t do it boss. JPP
Wow, that’s the same thing my kindergarten teacher said about my future!
Spiders would have been immeasurably better
This theme song, even!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmQYICF7ExU
Every time I see the banner quote I still snicker. I also imagine he cowers like a vampire confronted by a cross when confronted by a pic of Jimmy Clausen.
thank you thank you, always have the glee to tell my wife i made the banner and try to explain the odd joke I made
Yeah, the few times I made it, my wife really did not get it.
Still haven’t watched last Sunday’s “The Last of Us” – because I ain’t play the video game, I was not prepared for the annoying child actor’s character to take over “full leading role.” And I have not loved this season at all.
Oh, but it gets darker!
/Senorita Weaselo played the games
It’s a decent episode. New players and a couple of new story lines.
I’m pretty much out on that series. You give me a show about mushroom zombies I expect nothing more than waves of mushroom zombies getting blasted in the head, occasionally eating some super-annoying characters who are there as cannon-fodder, and once in a while the attractive normal people show some skin.
Fuck outta here with ‘character development.’
I also wasn’t that thrilled with the final season of ‘Gemstones.’ Definitely had its moments, but what was the point of 3/4 of what was going on?
Although Judy Gemstone saying “BJ you tell me what it is and I’ll suck, fuck it, punch it or munch it” is going to be with me forever.
Judy quite the inspiration to da Missus and Dr Watson. they did get off a little easy but read that Danny McBridges family is full of preachers so he didnt want them to be too bad
Just finished season 1 last week – it has more heart in it than you’d expect (while still being ridiculous/insane)
it was a great show overall. The final season just seemed sort of pointless.
Eastbound and Down went one year too far as well.
Could’ve ended it after 3, but I enjoyed the final season immensely. And we got Bradley Cooper, Megan Mullaly, and Michael Rooker. And the monkey.
Also “Gonna start finger-walkin my snap dragon…talkin bout my clitty cat!”
Also “Eye Of The Tiger, D*ck Of A Horse, Take No Prisoners.”
Also “I’m Not Trying To Be Loose And Stretched Out Like Amber’s Played-Out Pastrami.”
One of the greatest characters in TV history.
TOTES with ya on the Spiders thing. That would have been the best/most marketable thing ever.
Did the NHL release a statement or anything about why they’ve decided it’s totally legal to kill any opposing player you think is too good?
Because they play in Swampass Country, so Bettman loves ’em
Not gonna lie-I’m totally on board with the NHL’s, “It’s Ok To Try To Kill A Leafs Player” stance.
Smoke a Leaf, save a life.
I don’t know, I think it’s better if they choke themselves. Autoerotic asphyxiating their way out of the playoffs is more satisying than being Andrew Tated out
Bettman-bashing aside, there’s also the part that George Parros is stunningly bad at his job, and the Rangers were not only right to call him out on it they would, in my opinion, have been justified in putting a fatwa on him.
Because Florida and Tampa are Bettman’s special little teams, because their success justifies his ‘southern strategy.’
Same reason he kept the Coyotes in Arizona for years, when that franchise needed to be euthanized.
Fucking Colin Campbell’s kid still works for the Panthers.