Gutentag drones.
We’ve got a draft based on current events for you today. For the first time in tries the Cardinals got one right and finally named an American as Pope!
We’ll just ignore his Peruvian citizenship, the fact that he seems to have spent at least half his life living outside the USofA, and also that, for the vast majority of the life-span of the Holy Mother Church, the USofA did not exist. The important thing is we finally go a guy of our own in the Holy See, his name is Bob, he’s from Chicago, and he’s a White Sox fan, so he knows something of suffering.
In keeping with tradition, upon being elevated to the papacy former Cardinal Robert Prevost took the name Leo XIV. Why that tradition, you ask? Because when that Jesus guy named Simon to his apostolic crew He told Simon he was changing his name to Peter, which I guess is how “fisher of men” translates in Aramaic*, (spoiler alert: Jesus was probably not White), and then some stuff happened and Jesus got nailed to a cross and then He came back three days later and saw His shadow and there was six more weeks of Lent. Or something.
*per the Wiki article I just looked up it may be a translation of ‘Cephas’ which has something to do with Jesus calling Peter the Rock on which He would build his church.
Look, I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the nuns during my parochial grade-school education, other than to make sure to duck when they started swinging, OK?
The point is, every Pope takes a new name when they become Pope. And there have been some doozies throughout the last 1800-2000 years or so. This week we draft your favoUrites, (the first Canadien Pope is gonna take the name ‘Doug,’ book that), from among those names.
The rules: I. Any Papal name is fair game, including anti-popes, schismatic popes, asthmatic popes, basically any kind of pope so long as they existed in real life. No fictional popes, if you please.
II., once a name is taken that name is off the list: we’re not, for instance, going to have fourteen Leos. It’s the name, not the number, that counts. Yes, that will limit the picks but I’m sure we can find enough to talk about to get through the day.
III., wait ten picks or a half hour before making your next pick.
IV. Much like with John Paul, there is no IV. Actually I’m pretty sure there are only two John Pauls. Whatever, it’s time to get to picking!
With the first pick I take John Paul II. Pretty dull name, pretty conservative guy, probably a reach in terms of draft value here. BUT, he’s the first Pope I was aware of, he was the first Polish Pope, and when he was elected I was going to a parochial school named after St. Stanislaus. Those Poles were so happy all us kids got free popcorn for lunch. And that’s pretty much the most any Pope has ever done for me.
The rest of you are on the clock!
*Important Note: Mrs. Horatio and I are doing missionary work in Puerto Rico this week, distributing paper towels to the needy and hopefully meeting Don T for what I’m told will be the most bestest roast pork ever. Or maybe he said “get bombed on rum.” Whichever. The point being there is a very good chance I will not post next Monday, and you will be on your own. If I decide to bring my computer with me I will put something together, (MAYBE), but if not someone will need to Karen Carpenter it.
(Youth pastor voice): “You know who else was a carpenter?”
I am in The City of Industry
I don’t think any of you can say that right now
Weird way to describe those buildings by the BQE, but technically correct.
Fins win! This is not a preview of The Cove 2: The Reckoning.
Finland has tied it up-the sheer volume of the reindeer’s stamping in the forests must be scattering all the Juhani’s from their government-subsidized apartments.
Pope Lando, the first Pope from Cloud City. Hey what choice did he have?
Pope Lando the First? I’m taking his successor, Pope Two By Sea.
I’ll take Pope Sisinnius. I feel like he’d be Phil Collins’s favorite.
Sylvester
And I hope he gets that fucking bird eventually.
:It’s very obvious that Sylvester has a learning disability. Why does no one understand this? Am I right?”
-Dr. Phil
Musical Interlude-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqiCj32qKdI&ab_channel=Austech
I’d like to note that Flash and The Pan is the greatest name of a one-hit wonder band that will ever exist ever.
Going with Leo The 1st. The record books say that Attila The Hun retreated from Rome after meeting with him because the latter was so impressed. The nickname “Leo The Lion Pope” has been sitting around for fucking centuries and hasn’t made it’s way on to a t-shirt yet? That ends as of 8am tomorrow morning when “Barney’s Decals and Used Sex Toys” opens, let me tell you what!
3. Pope Dionysius. I’ll be the PARTY POPE!
Was going to pick him but historians say he whined too much.
Good chance she’s apocryphal, but I choose to believe: Pope Joan
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Joan
Yeah, far more likely than not that this never happened, but the story that afterwards Popes had to sit on a chair with a hole in it, hang their testicles through the hole while another guy stuck his hand in their and, upon confirmation of the presence of said testicles would say “he has two and they dangle nicely” is too good not to allow the pick.
Habemus Papess!
I always wondered what would happen if there was a pope with only one testicle, or if they dangled poorly.
And I always considered the argument that there isn’t contemporary evidence of a female pope to be kinda silly. The church was the only institution keeping good records in the European middle ages so if they wanted to keep something out of the historical record they could easily do so and it very well might live on only in popular memory to show up in writing again a few hundred years later
I don’t see why they engage in such a complicated ritual when they could just parade a particularly attractive altar boy in front of the candidate to see if they get a boner.
https://youtu.be/GpxBeOMyiB4?si=gNh_5b4EKj9QzMu-
Seems like some basic puppetry skills could get around that test though. In fact, I think there’s a whole show in Vegas based on that
Also a bitchin’ motorcycle Persona belonging to Best Girl THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTfiFTGuwAM5hDg-aDBRsnW444Psa2ld1To4Q&usqp=CAU
Well, Dad has stopped by and dropped off the book.
Solid job, Dad. Should make for good reading while sipping rum over vacation.
Dad is now off to conquer the highest point in Rhode Island, Jerimoth Hill, which towers some 800′ above sea level, requiring an elevation gain of nearly 12′ from the parking lot to the summit. Good luck Dad, and don’t forget to tip your Sherpas.
I hope he’s Down With The (Altitude) Sickness.
Conon.
Gettin’ shit done from October 686 to September 687.
*Photo may not be historically accurate.
That was before the Vatican instituted mandatory HGH testing so it’s hard to say.
Hyginus, because he was so fresh and so clean!
.
I’m taking 9th century Pope Formosus, the first Taiwanese pope (maybe). He’s cool because they tried and executed him. AFTER he was already dead. The incident was called the “Cadaver Synod” which may be a good fantasy football team name and/or a goth band,
Dammit, I forgot about the dead pope. They literally dug him up for the trial.
Wifey is going to take care of her nephew’s 18 month-old baby overnight. We’ve talked here and there about adopting or even trying to have another and I’m sure that’s going to start up again.
/begins research into reverse vasectomies
Ask around to see if any of your relatives don’t want their kids first
So today, the day before we leave for vacation, I have had a call from my mother asking me to help my brother out of a mess of his own making, a call from my brother telling me not to listen to my mother, a call from my father wanting to drop something off this afternoon but very vague on the actual time, and a call from my assistant telling me that the only other attorney in my office working on large loss cases just quit.
Odds of me returning home from Puerto Rico and doing anything other than putting my house up for sale and not telling anyone where we go are not exactly decreasing.
The only solution is to go no contact
Sounds like you’ve got a severe case of the Somebody Else’s Problems For The Time Being.
Antipope John XXIII.
A product of the Great Schism. I’m not sure if the ‘Antipope’ is official, but that’s what it says in the Wikipedia and I’m not passing up Antipope potential in the 3rd round. Who am I, the Colts?
I’ll grab Julius. The historical record for some reason does not mention whether or not his vertical leap was as high as Dr. J’s but I think it’s safe to assume that he was the very first head of the Vatican that could dunk from the foul line.
Bonus Info: He had such a bad case of syphilis that supplicants couldn’t kiss his feet one Easter because they were covered in sores!
[makes the sign of the cross while a single tear runs down his cheek] – Rex Ryan
Plus you get all the franchise opportunities!
I’m gonna take Zosimus. The Z makes it sound cool
All the kids will call you Space Pope Z.
The second Pope, who may not have been called ‘Pope’, (that appears to be a 2nd century thing), was apparently named Linus.
Yoink!
2. Pope Constantine.
Pope Sixtus IV. He banged his sister and had a kid with her, commissioned the Sistine Chapel and had a piece of medical equipment named for him.*
*is not remotely true
More like Pope SEXtus, amirite?
1. Pope Marcellus. I’d impose a new Inquisition and get medieval on the heretics’ asses.
Pope Maximus von Shih Tzu
Patron Saint of barking at the vacuum and shaking like a leaf.
Also, someone call the groomer because his holiness needs a haircut
I thought he was just rocking an ’80’s doo.
Violating literally the first rule with this picture but I have to admit, that is a fine head of hair.
More than I got, that’s for sure.
Wait a minute….
Looks like a real pope to me, assuming that is actually the dog’s legal name.
@Horatio I have been meaning to speak to you about taking over for a week, actually. I will handle next Monday.
You got it!
Thanks RTD
Nicolaus.
Just because, here’s my fave one: Nicolaus Arson
From the thread last night, so far Noir is out of danger, his GI tract has started working, but they are keeping him to bleed me dry and to check out his elevated creatinine levels.
Maybe your bunny has been taking body building supplements?
Jacked Bunny = Happy Bunny
More like dehydration.
Innocent, because someone choosing the Papal name “Innocent” almost begs coughed whispers of “bullshit”.
That is a good defense! I am Innocent! As I am Innocent I cannot be guilty! Bring on the altar boys!
I used to do work for a Pedro’s Honest Concrete.
Pedro was a crook.
General John Pope
Commander of the short-lived Army of Virginia (June to September 1862)
He was beaten by Gen Robert E Lee and his Army of Northern Virginia at the Second Battle of Bull Run (August 28-30 1862), although Pope controversially received little help from Gen George McClellan and his Army of the Potomac despite his orders to do so.
https://ibb.co/h5mVy7n
Agapetus, because it’s pretty uncommon and porno-adjacent.
THE GAPING POPE!
Pope Goatse is next
2 popes, 1 altar boy
Don’t give them any ideas.
My only choice today, because there is a story here. Pope Paul VI.
OK here is the story. In August 1978 when he died I happened to be visiting Rome for the first time. As I cruised Vatican City as part of that, I joined a long line of people, thinking… boy this may be a pretty cool attraction here. For context, this was well before the internet. I lived in the barracks with no TV accept in the company day room which had one channel, AFN. I watched no TV and listened no radio. My Italian at the time was very weak. And the only things I applied off duty attention to was drinking and chasing women.
So Imagine my surprise when I passed ole Pope Paul number six lying in state. I get back to post and told all the boys about it at PT formation.
Then a month later when Pope John Paul I dies just a month into the gig, the obvious question everyone had was; “hey 2Pack, are you gonna go down to Rome and check out the dead pope again”?
“Seen one dead Pope, seen ’em all.”
That’s awesome!
That’s way better than my accidentally seeing the Bishop of Naples story!
I still haven’t managed to see any important corpses. When I was in Beijing they were doing maintenance on the tip of Mao’s nose so I wasn’t able to see him
They have Padre Pio life like preserved and in a glass display. They don’t mess around here with the dead holy folks.
…
Whoa
Do tell!
Pope Benedict XV!. Kind of a forgettable pope. First thing I think of when I hear Benedict is eggs and then the traitor Benedict Arnold. Anyways, let’s all just forget about the whole Hitler youth thing.
Also, look at this face. Joe Pesci mixed with that emperor guy from Star Wars.
Pope Boniface VIII. Is it pronounced Bone-uh-facci or Bony face? Who cares, this guy got his predecessor to resign so he could replace him and maybe got the king of France kidnapped and beaten. Mafia style poping right there.
https://popehistory.com/popes/pope-boniface-viii/
I prefer Sister Boniface
🎶We gon do the pork, we gon do the rum, we gon talk shit aboOt alla youse behind yer back…🎶
As is tradition…
John! Of “Dear John” and John XXIII / ❣️Vatican II❣️ fame.
Pope Alexander. I just started watching The Borgias on Paramount. Spoiler, that Pope fucked.
Extra hammy Jeremy Irons YES! Oh, everytime he went “😠 Sforza” 👏 👏
Pope Anacletus
It’s the pope name most like anal so I can get great trade value from Balls
I”ll offer you a first round pick plus a pope to be named later!
Urban, because not only is not a real name, there’s been like six of them. And yeah, noted kicker-kicker Jaguras head coach Urban Meyer is named after one of them.
*Raised Catholic, John Paul II was pope for over half my life, and now there’s been three in 15 years or something. That’s kind of weird, because historically speaking, the average pope’s lifespan was like three years.
Pope Pius X. How can you out-pious someone named Pius? O, you can’t.
(Note: I’m a J-O-O and don’t know which Pius is the best Pope Pius, but I def wanted to cockblock the 12th, who was pontiff from 1939 into the 1950s, when the Catholic church was happy to put its head in the sand about some stuff happening elsewhere in Europe)
Relevance at 1:30:
https://youtu.be/919Q1eEgbf4?si=Sk5ZOX96YKL8sr-H