Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

I didn’t want to do this. I hung up my litigation spikes for good nine years ago. Three and a half years ago, I turned in my badge (literal) and gun (figurative) when I walked away from court for the last time. I never wanted to review an in forma pauperis application again.

But here we are. No man can outrun his sin, and so here we are.

The Shedeur Sanders Stan Suit.  Doe v. National Football League, 1:25-cv-02421-SEG (N.D. Ga).

NOTE: I have no idea how to upload PACER docs in WordPress, so don’t @me about not posting them.

If you missed it (or if your brain tried to protect you by blocking the memory), Mel Kiper Junior’s hairpiece/brainslug was not the only one driven beyond rationality by Sanders’ draft slide and exile to #Hardland.

A brave-yet-anonymous football fan decided that Sanders going to one of his two most likely landing spots was such a grievous offense that it must violate some law, and he wasn’t going to stand for it! So like any red-blooded American, he resorted to litigation, trusting that the righteousness of his cause trumped his need for professional representation.

Of course, “John Doe” (more on this later) didn’t believe in the injustice quite hard enough to put up the $405 filing fee, so he applied to proceed in forma pauperis (IFP)- that he is too poor to pay but justice requires that he have access to the courts. Thanks to the potential for abuse, complaints proceeding IFP are subject to an initial gatekeeping review for frivolity.*

*”Frivolity” in this case meaning “pointless or baseless” rather than the “light-hearted dumfuckery” that is central to DFO’s charter.

The point of frivolity review is to keep IFP litigants from overloading our courts with baseless bullshit. For our Canadian and other foreign friends, you will be unsurprised that litigants are free to overload our courts with bullshit as long as they have the money to pay.**

**Eventually the law clerks and judges will eventually get tired of your fucking around, but you’ll have a good two to three years minimum before you get a filing ban.

So: what brilliant legal theories does Mr. Doe bring before the court? Shockingly, NOT violation of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act, perennial favorite of the sovereign citizen and similarly braindead litigants. Disappointing, really- like going to a hamburger joint that doesn’t serve fries.

He DID opt for the Violation of the Sherman Antitrust Act (15 U.S.C. §§ 1-7). It’s a classic opening against the NFL, like the Sicilian Defense in chess or “sliding a piece diagonally” in checkers. Most actions in the NFL have some collusive aspect in a very closed market. Now, there is absolutely no indication of how Mr. Doe (an average fan) was harmed in any way by even the most grievous, open agreement by NFL teams not to draft Sanders before Take a Flier on a 7 Foot Tall FCS Basketball Player territory. But at least it’s recognizable from the Greatest Hits album.

Then Doe gets Social Justice on football’s ass, alleging violation of the Civil Rights Act (42 U.S.C. § 1981), as “the decisions made regarding Sanders may have been influenced by racial discrimination, violating his rights as a player.” Literally that’s the entirety to the allegation. Leaving aside the fact that a similarly-situated member of the same protected class went #1 overall, “may” isn’t gonna fucking cut it in federal court. You make your allegation, you don’t posit a hypothetical. Weak follow-up. Minor-league. Plus, again there’s that “how were you, Mr. Doe, harmed here?” question.

Which is actually the strong point of his next allegation: Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress and Trauma. IIED has long been a controversial concept, sitting between “not all wounds are visible” and “fuck your feelings.” Mr. Doe alleges that “[t]he NFL’s actions and the dissemination of slanderous statements have caused severe emotional distress and trauma to the Plaintiff, resulting in frustration, disappointment, and psychological harm as a fan.” Unfortunately for Mr. Eric Jackson of Lawrenceville, Georgia, he is a self-confessed fan of the University of Colorado, meaning that nothing the NFL could do could match the frustration, disappointment and psychological harm as a fan he’s already sustained. Call it the Eggshell Plaintiff in reverse.

Did I doxx the John Doe plaintiff there? No, gentle reader- he did it to himself. In the filing paperwork that he filed as “John Doe,” Mr. Jackson helpfully provided his name, address and e-mail address. I know- you’re shocked that a razor-sharp legal mind could make such an elementary mistake.

Finally, Plaintiff alleges that the NFL violated unspecified Consumer Protection Laws by “misrepresenting the nature of the drafting process and the qualifications of players.” Now, in fairness the NFL is unquestionably guilty of the latter: we were all told that Johnny Manziel, Tim Tebow and JaMarcus Russell were NFL quarterbacks. However, if I cannot sue for having to watch Nathan Peterman start for the Bills, Mr. Jackson cannot serious assert that he is entitled to (ahem) $100 million in punitive damages.

Oh, and lest you think we are living in anything other than the Stupidest Timeline: two other people have filed to intervene as additional plaintiffs. Because God hates us all, but federal law clerks most of all.

NFL NEWS:

-NFL players will be eligible to play Olympic Flag Football (sigh) in 2028. The only upside of this is making it even more hilarious when Venezuala beats our asses.

-The “Brotherly Shove” ban comes up for vote tomorrow. Because Philly fans really needed another brick for their Persecution Complex Wall…