Once again we look into the depths of the madness that is… the dice baseball league I joined last fall, which somehow manages to balance a 13 (soon to be 14, with one last expansion team) team league with people’s schedules. How’d the Brooklyn Nocturnes end up this year? Well, things weren’t looking good at last check… and they looked better briefly, but then stopped looking better in the last couple series.
The Nocturnes ended their season at 13-17, last in the East (via tiebreaker). Losing 2 of 3 in the rivalry series with the New York Titans (including blowing a 6-0 game at the stretch and a 6-2 game in the bottom of the 9th to lose the finale) killed any playoff hope, and put it firmly in lottery hope land! Which wasn’t that much better, as out of the 3 lottery teams (the worst three records) Brooklyn didn’t move up and couldn’t move down. With the expansion North Shore Wallopin’ Walleyes picking first, Brooklyn will pick 4th in the upcoming draft.
Was there anything good from this year at least?
League leaders!
-CI Smokey Roberts led the league with 13 doubles—tied with Fayetteville’s Hunter Coburn and Anchorage’s Dallas Fairchild—and takes the doubles title on having the fewest at-bats of the three.
-On the pitching side of things, RP Niko Fawkes was among the league leaders in WHIP and fewest BB/9 and RP Ray Thunderchild was top 10 in K/9, but the real story was the Nocturnes’ leading pitcher throughout the season SP Elton Hallenback. Hally finished among the top 5 (including ties and rounding errors due to doing all stats on Google Sheets) in innings, wins, and ERA, and was 3rd in strikeouts (one behind the leaders). All this cemented his spot as Brooklyn’s All-Star representative, and as this is his only season before retirement, was named as Brooklyn’s new pitching coach (as his predecessor, Phil Brickma, looks to finally market Hot Ice).
-In addition, MI Bert Blumquist won a Gold Glove. How? I have no specific idea as we don’t keep track of enough stats and you roll the entire infield, but as one of the +3 infielders in the league, there’s probably some method of calculation.
-And, thanks to setting a record with 21 strikeouts (in the 17-inning game, that’ll do it), Brooklyn threw for the most strikeouts and most K/9 in the league. That’s what we got in terms of leading the league, but hey, it’s something.
Wait, retirement? But you just got there.
Yes, but in keeping with the rest of the game and having players on 4-year cycles, that includes 1-year players. The following players retire:
-C Trevor Jones
“TJ” saw limited action as the backup catcher, but provided lockdown defense in his playing time. He finished by throwing out 3 of the last 4 SB attempts made against him, and multi-hit games in each of his last two starts behind the plate, including an RBI double in his last game.
-CI Miles Vengerov
“The Virtuoso” etched his name in DBL lore with a leadoff homer in the bottom of the 17th inning to win arguably the greatest game in league history, 18-17 over Boston. However, it was the game before, where he hit the other of his home runs, a 2-run shot to tie against Boston, where he won his game MVP award.
-MI Bert Blumquist (1x Gold Glover)
“BB” anchored the infield as the Nocturnes’ first Gold Glover as the infield turned 27 double plays (including a team-record 3 in one game against Anchorage) under his watch. He also contributed with 3 home runs on the offensive side and led the team with 2 sacrifices.
-MI Rico Piscotty
Piscotty, Blumquist’s usual double play partner, saved his best for late in the season as his first (and only) homer gave the Nocturnes a 6-4 win over Harrisville to keep Brooklyn’s playoff hopes afloat going into their final series.
-SP Elton Hallenback (1x All-Star; 1x BKN Cy Young winner)
“Hally”‘s lone season in Brooklyn was a memorable one, as he finished in the top 5 in wins, innings, and ERA, and was 3rd in strikeouts, leading to Brooklyn’s first All-Star nod. He was Brooklyn’s leader in game MVP awards (with 6) and won the team Cy Young award. Following his retirement, he became the new Nocturnes pitching coach.
-RP Woody Yates
Yates may be best-known for securing the first save in Nocturnes history against Springfield, but throughout the season was a dependable arm out of the bullpen, including as the primary lefty specialist, and excelled in 2 scoreless inning plus outings in the series against Lincoln, earning him a rare reliever game MVP.
With that (and the exhibition 3-game set against North Shore, where among other things, Claude Sellers would have tied the record with a 16 strikeout shutout… if the game counted), Season F is drawing to a close, as the playoffs are going on now, and I have a week to figure out a draft strategy that isn’t just “Which of these names have the best chance of being on Balls’ AVN tracker when their playing time is through?” OF WHICH THERE ARE SEVERAL. As for playoff picks? New Orleans is the defending champs and are battle-tested and really good, but it’s definitely a toss-up where I’ll be looking forward to seeing how it shakes out.
Okay, enough of that. What of sports played in meatspace?
Your pick: Baseball or GAME 1 OF THE STANLEY CUP FINAL?
(You know the teams at this point, just know it’s on at 8 on TNT)
I know what I’m picking… if I weren’t in Williamsburg tonight. GO EULERS!
This might be the most heartbreaking song I know.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiSX9PNRyyc
Other than ‘Brass Bonanza’ of course.
Goddamn Iris; you nailed it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FikZwgj89HI
Imagine being so good at a song that Emmylou Harris sings backup and it works.
Emmy is so good she can duet with ANYBODY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVvCS26Uyn0
The Colorado Rockies were 9-50 when they arrived in Miami. They are leaving at 12-50.
How the fuck do you get swept by a team that wins one game out of every five?
At the risk of answering another rhetorical question, because the Miami ownership is horseshit and is just in it for whatever profits they can eke out each year.
I blame David Samson.
Today was a stupid day. Tomorrow I get to stand in line to get a fucking cat license for a 17 year old tabby who never leaves the house. I had to get him microchipped, he is not happy with me at the moment. Poor Henry
You don’t actually have to get a license for a 17-year-old cat. You can just say “he died, fuck you, and here’s the contact information for
Horatio Cornblower, I mean Don T, who is my lawyer and to whom all additional questions should be addressed.”In a parallel universe there was a mixup at British intelligence and Bond got a license to cat instead of a license to kill. Made for some very different books and movies, although they were just as popular
“That’s where we’re from!” – Darkest Timeline Zack Morris and DJ 3000′
I especially enjoyed Catsino Royale and Man with the Golden Can Opener
Although the finale No Time to Lie Down wasn’t up to par.
You Only Live Nine Times was probably the best of the ones starring Cutler
No surprise, Dr. No and Pussy Galore exist in both universes.
Octopussy as well, although the alternate plot included a lot more Korean sea food restaurants
Are you a narc? Don’t have to tell them about your dear kitty.
I can’t get the keys to my new apartment without the cat license. It’s fucking ridiculous, but I have got to get off SIL’s sofabed, my back is fried.
Just say your cat is Persian and got deported at the licensing appointment
I don’t even know what the hell a “cat license” is and I bet the landlord doesn’t either. There’s probably a template on the internet somewhere you can fill out.
/you probably shouldn’t do this; legally it would be a bad idea
*makes mental note to check out Yawpers tour dates
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dke3IQvva2I
**because he hates double-parkers, you see
Great song or greatest song ever?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1vfWjRxo1Y
Dog owners will likely skew towards the latter. “I don’t him to; he’s my dog”
Indiana:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrXZ-Z-Bn2c
*no longer applies to Jim Irsay
it’;s midnight, I need another beer to wind down.
See you all on the other side.
Don’t need livers where we are a going
That’s right, Sam Neil
Hail to the King, baby.
Damnit I can’t let you have one alone.
At least. My adrenaline is still on full tilt.
Right? Like I’m going to bed and doing anything but stare at the ceiling anyway.
Hell, the dog might get a 3 mile walk at this point.
YEAH BABY!!
McJesus delivers!
Draisaitl scores!
FUCK YES!!!
Who has two thumbs and is wired on Stanley Cup Cocaine and probably will be late to work tomorrow??
THIS GUY!
THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE
We’re doing a systems upgrade over the next two days and can’t get into the system, so guess who has two thumbs, is wired on Stanley Cup cocaine, and isn’t going back to work until Monday?
THIS GUY!
That’s good planning!
Wasn’t even me! Huzzah for serendipity!!
https://youtu.be/z5rRZdiu1UE?si=PuAss8Uf11u_VMhE
Is Stanley Cup cocaine purer than regular cocaine?
It’s even more effective than Tussi
“You mean Tulsi? But she’s our most effective agent!” – her FSB contact
Oh god yes.
Or, uh, so I’m told
Two straight hours on a bandstand is made better by 20 minutes of “All right, they have brisket, how many plates will they let me have?”
Also carrots, and the GOOD mustard. You can taste the horseradish!
(Also a kid ran into my elbow, I did not elbow him.)
I miss McSorleys mustard
Have you been to McSorley’s? I was there with a female friend once the regulars glared at her like she was an alien.
Fucking idiots. It’s a dusty bar with mediocre beer, (and a great story by Joseph Mitchell), and a shitty menu. Get over yourselves.
/read that link though; Mitchell could fucking write.
I lived on the same block for a year and went there quite a bit, usually with some of my math buddies. That was in 2002 or 3 though so women had been allowed in for a decade or two at that point.
Never went to Burp Castle though as it was 27+ or something like that at the time.
We went together!
Angel’s Share is now in the West Village, and Senorita needs to take me to Martiny’s but the cocktails are super expensive.
DFO Field trip to lower Manhattan!
If I must…
Im sure there’s a [REDACTED] you could [REDACTED], just like last time
A [train] I could [take to Grand Central]? I mean, yes, but not sure why we need a code for that.
If it’s mid/late July I’m not playing every wedding known to man!
Calm down Sam Bennett
There’s absolutely nothing I’d be less excited to see flying across a sheet of ice towards me than an amped up Polack* with a stick.
*did 4 years at St. Stanislaus elementary school; I can say that
What about an amped up Polack with a stick and a rosary?
Those are nuns, and that’s an entirely different level of terrifying.
Bobrovsky is one of the few Panthers I don’t hate, (see, also, Newton, Huey), and he has had some sensational saves in OT.
The NHL playoffs are the best playoffs. Bar none*
*May be slightly biased because my blood pressure and alcohol intake hasn’t sharply risen as it usually has the last few playoffs
This game is the hockey gods’ blessing for us to make up for the conference finals.
I accept them with my bountiful vodka drink.
Allow me to also make a toast
My brother in law and his fiancée are having their rehearsal dinner at Treehouse Charlton next October. I’m not leaving that venue A) sober, and B) without a trunk full of beers
next October, you say?
Indeed, 2026. If you happened to be there at the same time…
Soon after they first opened Charlton a friend of a friend had a business event at the Charlton brewery where they closed the entire operation to the public and allowed the guests to run amok.
Mrs. Horatio and I got invitations and went. We were limited to three drink tickets, but Mrs. Horatio doesn’t drink.
I’ve been happily married for 30+ years, have two kids, and that night was Top 4. And it would be higher if I remembered more of it.
BEER NERD WARNING
I got these latest Treehouse beers from their relatively new Woodstock, CT outlet.
They are much closer to what I remember from when they were doing much smaller production at the Monson, MA location. The Julius is so much better I may not go back to Charlton, unless it’s to crash some poor bastard’s rehearsal dinner in October of 2026.
Dumbest and best DFOcon ever
Hell yeah, fuck yeah.
I’ve never been a huge IPA fan, so I couldn’t tell the difference. I still need to play the 9 hole course they bought in Tewksbury. I do think they might be expanding a little too quickly, at the expense of quality and taproom vibe
You are far from alone in that opinion.
Frankly I think they just have too much money on their hands, and Nate’s refusal to distribute other than directly is forcing them into some bad situations.
Bah I need to come up and visit
Come to BAWSTON kid
No thank you.
Mansfield is here for you. Within striking distance of not one, not two, but three Treehouse locations, and also Fox Farms, which has IPAs at least as good as Treehouse, and far superior Euro-style beers.
Apropos of nothing, Fuck Tom Brady
It made financial sense!
-B. Moynihan
He had ozempic face before it was a thing
Knowing that Wayne Gretzky is a MAGA shithead makes his terrible plastic surgery even funnier.
Have you seen the latest version of Kenny Rogers?
Isn’t he dead?
Not even kidding, I would have bet my hose Rogers was dead.
“Not the hose again!” – Lowratio
Well shit, now I have to leave that typo alone.
He is, but he looks better than Gretzky.
Horatio’s bookie sighs deeply.
“For the last time, I don’t deal in hoses. Now that little guy over there, we can talk.”
Et tu, Mr. Ayo? Et tu?
So each team gets a point?
(still soccer hungover)
Straight to penalty shots. Let’s go!
I watched Bermuda v Cayman Islands tonight. I have a problem
Did you WAGER on it? If not, you’re just sad, not problematic.
Can I assume we all have our helicopters warming up, our motorcycles revving, and cocaine neatly lined up on mirrors?
I don’t know anything about hockey, did something happen in Miami?
Oh hell yeah, let’s go! Free playoff hockey!
[holds envelope to forehead]
Who are Kobe Bryant, Ben Roethlisberger, and Jim Irsay?
So in 28 Days Later all the zombies eventually starved to death, but in 28 Years Later they’re not only thriving, they’ve apparently been doing ‘Abs Of Steel In 28 Years’?
Fuck outta here.
https://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html
Well, now I know that ‘zombie porn’ is a thing, so thanks for that.
/adds 3 quarts of bleach to margarita recipe
//regrets nothing
I hate that ad with the coach rehearsing her bullshit speech on her way to coach what looks like a middle-school girls travel soccer team.
I coached Little League baseball for years and a simple “do good or I’ll kill your pets” was all I ever needed.
She’s trying to impress them for other reasons.
I never thought that stealing pets from the popular people was a skill that you’d used later in life, but it looks like you proved me and the rest of the popular kids wrong, you little freak.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucmsunDs3jE
Just because your mother tells you you’re handsome and popular and any girl would be lucky to go out with you doesn’t make it true, Rikki.
Why change a winning method?
What does this mean for the Maple Leafs
Better tee times.
I’m never sure Netflix realizes how close I am to nuking my subscription, and Happy Gilmore 2 being released into the wild seems to confirm that they have no idea.
It looks aggressively bad.
Oh, and it has current golf assholes in it? The guys all sucking Saudi cock? Nah, I’ll just wait for Stranger Things (which I assume is about a guy who sits on his hand and then jerks off once it’s numb)
I know NHL star players almost never hit free agency. If the Oilers dont win this season, does McJesus test the market next summer?
Absolutely not. There’s no way the Eulers let him even sniff free agency.
I saw this graphic. Out of this list, maybe what? Two will hit free agency?
2 sounds about right since Ovi will technically be a free agent.
The Freezer Vodka League should target Ovi. I bet we can land him on the name alone.
Bettman will make sure he goes to Florida
C McD scoring one and assisting one to Bouchard for a 4-3 Oiler win would win me a couple of skinoots.
Subscribe
More details on the deaths on Katahdin, (yeah, I know I’m obsessed, but I’ve been on the same trails the decedents were on and the whole situation makes no sense to me, so deal with it), and the cause of death is being given as exposure and the family has said that “we know that Tim loved Jesus” so I have the opportunity to post what might be The Onion at its finest…
https://theonion.com/it-was-then-that-i-carried-you-vs-bullshit-jesus-tho-1819594262/
Also, this one
https://theonion.com/jesus-is-my-health-insurance-1819584380/
There are actually faith-based collectives that allow…I guess I’ll be charitable and call them ‘believers’…to pool resources towards a group’s health care expenses, while not bothering with sinful insurance. If a person gets sick or injured they submit the bills to the collective and try to get them paid.
I’ve dealt with a few of these groups over the years and let me tell you, It. Does. Not. Work. At all. AT ALL.
The Amish do something similar but it’s mostly functional.
“Wait, boys can die of exposure?” – Father O’Malley, hurriedly belting his trenchcoat shut
People can get lost and die more easily than we think. I remember this story where it turned out the lady was right near the Appalachian Trail the whole time. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/lost-hiker-was-two-miles-appalachian-trail-when-she-died-n581611
I read a lot about her in connection with the deaths noted above. She pretty clearly had significant mental health issues, kept going solo after her partner had to leave the trail due to a family emergency and, incredibly, did not know how to read a compass.
She set up her tent 3 miles off the trail and didn’t leave it for a month, at which point she died. A tragedy to be sure, but in hindsight there was a lot going on there.
In scouts they taught us to stay put if we got lost in the woods so we wouldn’t miss the rescuers. I think I would make an exception for finding food and water though. Also, how do you get lost just going for a pee??
Reading that article I think a lot of it had to do with her mental health, and that once she kept going solo this was inevitable. Going off the trail to take a shit? Been there done that.
Going off the trail to take a shit and then setting up camp 3 miles away and refusing to move until I die while sending texts* to no one because I’ve got no bars in the middle of the fucking woods?
That’s something else again.
*This doesn’t really apply to Largay, who was old enough that she should have known better, but the younger generations reliance on cell phones to get them out of any trouble, including deep in the woods where there’s no reception, coupled with a complete inability to read a map or compass, does not bode well for the future.
You must have respect for what you are doing. Daredevils, amateurs and idiots learn that the hard way.
I have to question the Oilers strategy of “let the Panthers do whatever they want”
Just made this for the first time:
https://www.reddit.com/r/cocktails/comments/1fykyx1/shruffs_end/
It’s aight but I probably won’t make it again.
I just made a Steve Austin margarita.
3 oz. tequila
1.5 oz pomegranate liquer
1 oz. Grand Marnier
2ish oz. lime juice
And just for the hell of it some watermelon juice I saved from the watermelon I destroyed earlier today.
I absolutely will make this again, but not tonight.
Why’s it called a Steve Austin margarita? Does it hit you right over the head?
Because I got the recipe after watching something with him talking about it.
It may actually have been an episode of ‘Hot Ones’ come to think of it.
In the past I’ve had as many as two of these in a night and that is not a good idea.
.
Sam Bennett cheating?
In the words of P. Diddy to a bunch of barbiturate-hazed 15 year old girls, GO OILERS!
Greetings and salutations!
Art…
So torn. I want a Canadian team to finally win the Cup but definitely not the Leafs and not pleased that it would be the Oilers. Bring back the damn Nordiques
McJesus needs his Cup so we can get over that discourse.
How will this effect the Leafs playoff chances?
Our panel will start discussing this now, instead of showing the game
/obligatory
OMG, is that real?
I refuse to believe this is real.
IT FUCKING IS REAL. ROFL!
https://twitter.com/TSN_Sports/status/1930393273761443977
You think I bring fake news?
I don’t care much about the Oilers or the “Canadian team” thing, but I’m resolving this using the age-old principle of Fuck Brad Marchard.
I poured him into a cab a few years back after I had overserved him. Was a nice guy about it. I sent the cab to a dive bar as he had requested.
Should have sent him to the bridge over the Chapaquiddick.
I’m anti-warm weather team
Relevant
It’s tough, but I’m choosing Canada’s Texas over America’s Florida.
So am I, one of my good friends is a diehard Oilers fan and I wish him no joy other than winning another Canadian futbol Championship. He is also a Cowboys fan so I can hold that over him.
One of my favorite restaurants in the neighborhood is closing, so I’m at the bar for a few drinks and dinner before it goes bye bye. Why do bad things happen to good restaurants?
It’s a brutal business with shitty profit margins.
It was a rhetorical question, counselor.
You’re still getting billed for the answer.
Those are the most fun questions to answer
Patrons treat good restaurants as a special treat. And just like that special bottle of vodka or wine you have saved for a special occasion those patrons don’t go as often. Instead, if you have a good restaurant by you go once every week. That would help.
I would simply, rules be damned, refuse to let Hally retire.
“Yeah! Stop-loss his ass!” – Donald Rumsfeld
Woody Yates for sure! Probably Rico too!