Happy Canada Day to all those who celebrate. May your syrup ever flow, your toque be well-fitting, and your CanCon more SCTV and Kids in the Hall and less Degrassi.

Rejoice, my children, for BLEERGH has blessed us with a shower of Actual NFL News!

-The Steelers traded perennial Pro Bowler and 3 time All-Pro safety Minkah Fitzpatrick to Miami for cornerback Jalen Ramsey and tight end Jonnu Smith.

So every good multi-camera sitcom has at least one episode where a main character gets hit on the head (or drinks a portion, gets hit with red kryptonite, switches places with a Mirror Universe version, etc.) and becomes the complete opposite of themselves.

Apparently the Steelers have decided to give it a whirl, throwing aside four decades of staid, plodding, do-it-the-right-way stability (except for the designated Insane Wide Receiver Room) for…whatever the fuck this is.

Fitzpatrick, although producing fewer turnovers in the last several years, is still a keystone piece in a Steelers defense that depends on good safety play. A Steelers defense that is, in turn, the keystone to their unprecedented run of Not Sucking, even when they have ancient or incompetent arms at quarterback.

Which they still do.

Jalen Ramsey remains a great cornerback, even on the downside of his career. You know who else fits that description? Darius Slay, the dude they already signed this offseason to play opposite Joey Porter Jr. So are you playing him in the slot? In front of no competent safeties?

Jonnu Smith? Jonnu Fucking Smith? Unless offensive coordinator Arthur Smith is paying Jonnu’s salary out of pocket from his recent half-billion dollar inheritance, this is a goddamned joke. Apparently I guess the Big Plan is for Pittsburgh to roll out in two tight end formations to try to make up for an inadequate offensive line and an immobile ancient quarterback?

The Steelers have assembled an amazing group of talent…for 2020. It was bad enough watching them try to limp along with the crumbling remains of Rapey Ben, but I understood the reasoning. Now, they are importing broken older guys Looking For One Last Score. This is what a midlife crisis would look like if it were a football team, changing things at random for sake of Feeling Something Again.

I take it back. There is no Big Plan. There is no Strategy.