The Jets don’t deserve their own post.

They could have drafted a quarterback a few years back, but instead signed Aaron Rodgers. They could have drafted a quarterback LAST YEAR, but instead trusted in Aaron Rodgers. They could have drafted a quarterback this year, but didn’t like the first wave crop of QBs, which I guess is justified unless you traded up for the top 2. They didn’t draft Shadeur Sanders in the 1st round, so that’s a win, I guess.

The new coach is Aaron Glenn, who returns home after being a coach in Detroit (that’s good, as crazy as it is to hear!) Unfortunately he was the DC. (Oh.) The new QB is Justin Fields, so not a Packers retread again, that’s nice. I didn’t say that was better or worse, just not the Packers again. The rest of the QB room is, uh, Inanimate Carbon Tyrod (who is recovering from an arthroscopic knee procedure and is questionable for the start of the season) and *checks ESPN* UFL standout Adrian Martinez. Apparently Birmingham’s been really good in both the USFL and UFL, who knew! (Obviously not me.) Also on offense, Breece Hall and Braelon Allen are back, and Garrett Wilson got paid! Allen Lazard did not fuck off to the Steelers to rejoin Aaron Rodgers, but my guess is will by the trade deadline, on principle. The defense important pieces are mostly back, save D.J. Reed, who went to the Lions. Sauce got paid, so we’ll see how they’ll run it with him and Brandon Stephens.

Nick Folk is back! The people rejoiced.

Yeah, I’ll be honest. Even the phrase “we’ll see how they’ll run it” is with an entire block of salt called maybe listening to the radio on the way to, let’s see, calendar… actually I don’t know which venues I’ll be playing yet Sundays in November and December. Probably the Meadowlands Hilton, or whatever they call themselves now—the Park Hotel. Probably a trip to Monsey or Lakewood in there. What’s the sched even like? Let’s see, open up at home against Rodgers and the Steelers, that’s a loss on karma purposes. Adding it all up… 7-10, 6-11 looks about right. Screws them out of a top pick, so that’s perfect.

Only Joe Willie’s soul finally being claimed by the Devil can save this team. Anyway, sports on the telly include the Leagues Cup (where the Fightin’ Messis take on Tigres at 8 on FS1, and Seattle plays Puebla at 11), and… fuckin’ hell, that’s it? Is ESPN just going to show Rich Eisen’s return to SportsCenter for the next however many hours? Or the Little League World Series?

(Actually yes on that last one, battle of the Souths, Dakota vs. Carolina on ESPN at 7.)

Next week, the Guide to Fantasy Football names! Got a good one? Hit me on the horn! I have… 7 names so far, and none that are actually good football puns. It’s hard to follow what’s going on when you don’t actually have a chance to watch football anymore.

Thanks for the love last week. Madre Weaselo’s out of the hospital, Senorita Weaselo’s I think on the upswing, and I don’t feel like the world’s about to implode. Other than, you know, the country. And the paperwork they need so my class runs next week. I do like masquerading as a professor, after all, community college adjunct prefixes be damned! Please enjoy this on-field holding my violin in one hand so I can’t get a good phone shot picture from a week and a half ago playing the national anthem. At some point I’ll post the vid to YouTube.