Welcome back to the maddest season, when ALL TYPES OF FITBAW come back into our meagre, hopeless lives. Please to keep your hands and feet inside the cat at all times. Your uncle lost his arm that way!!!1111
We actually begin as I am typing this, Friday Night Lights with Chelski and Rum Ham (Chelski won, to the surprise of nobody). But no worries if you missed that, wake up early with a tasty City of Men/Spurs tilt (7:30, USA). Pep’s crew looked back and Blacker than EVAR opening weekend, but this is a step up in difficulty (even at the Etihad). Thomas Frank seems like he’d make himself quite the pest in this spot. Plus, he’ll be angry to be awake so early.
Villa/Beesus are in “must win or things feel itchy” territory in the 10:00 window, and Burnley hosting Sunderland might end up interesting (as an alternate watch). yeah right’s plucky Cherries should annihilate Wolves, though.
Leeds are away to Arsenal in the spotlight dance (12:30, NBC), and I will be interested to see if Eze makes the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols‘ bench or not. Will be fascinating to see how Handasome Mikel deploys his new toy. For the record, I do NOT think Leeds are worth two shits. Everton just had to set up very meekly, with no healthy fullbacks available (and still should have taken a point, guh).
Speaking of those delightful, perpetually disappointing Toffees? Ditching the Old Lady for New Sidepiece on Dick Hill is formally complete, with the opening of our new ground (against Brighton, 9:00 Sunday, USA). Absolutely would be happy with a point here. Not happy with Moyes’ moaning about the transfer window, nor that he agitated for fucking Grealish. Afterward, Mighty Whitey welcome Men Untied (11:30, USA) in a fairly compelling weekend finale.
Early days, for sure. But you’d rather show some life early, rather than running all season trying to catch up.
Cornpone State (+3.5) v. Unded Bill Snyders (Noon, ESPN – Farmageddon Potatoe Famine Edition)
I love when a Week Zero, overseas opener is a league matchup, with real stakes. Talk about running to catch up, imagine having no margin for error in the Big Twaaaaallllvvvve, and it ain’t even September for NINE MOAR DAYS. But that’ll be the fate of one of these two interesting squadrons.
Balls will take us home this evening, don’t forget about Kansas/Fresno (Fox, 6:30) and Stanford/Hawaii (CBS, 7:30) to warm up for next week’s full slate. See y’all in the comments!
They Surf Together!
Two minute timeout! Always good to have more ad time in a live footy game.
FG, TD, blocked extra point returned for two.
WHO SAYS NO??
Why did they paint the yard lines green?
Yes, make this a bananacakes finish. Good jerb ISU.
I was SO SURE that KO return man was gonna fumble
#MeToo
Surely something even more funny will transpire soon.
SUDDEN JV POTATOE FAMINE CHANGE!!!
Quite a pass by Juvie Hall Girlfriend…
That was such an obvious QB draw foermation that Hippo say it out loud. YES, pre-snap
If I loved this game any MOAR, I’d have to fuck it!
Another turnover! Not the fun kind, but a turnover none the less.
Just a colossal all time great decision to go for it there.
Perhaps his defensing unit was too gassed? But even that would cut both ways.
Avery Johnson could be Prison Girlfriend 2 if he makes it to the next level (admittedly, not based on today’s film). But JV Prison Girlfriend would just sound creepy.
/FFS, I even dated an Avery for almost a FULL YEAR and she totes didn’t have a penis
Yea, my socials are already littered with ladies wondering about his hair routine.
Ayo humble brag, look we NOE you gets all teh bitches
It’s the algorithms. All boobs, all the time. It’s real and spectacular.
I search for piano lessons and I get this. Can’t complain!
https://www.tiktok.com/@lynnpianist/video/7532967011761147141
my shoulder fetish is impacting your algorithms
Desmond Ridder is playing himself into an entry level position as an Insurance Agent.
Anthony Becht might want to do some DNA testing, his kid seems MOAR LIEK a Sex Cannon chip off the block.
If this game is any indication, the Bengals are going to be busy on the waiver wire.
Not sure they can afford that
Ah, the intrepid Karl Wallenda Maneuver.
Cornpone forgets to cover JV Border Patrol. Back to back white WR tuddies!!
Napoli wins their opener on the road. I look forward to Marika’s analysis…
Just switched to AFN JV action… Where did K state get their line paint… I’ve never seen that issue on anyone else’s field under much worse conditions.
And they re-did the lines at HT. Imagine how illegible this would be without HD camerawork.
Oh… Ireland… Nevermind…
probably using goat semen
Definitely some earth friendly bio stuff
The backup Cincy pretend defense of the starting Cincy pretend defense is making the latter proud.
That’s a TD except for the bobble. Unreal attempt
A passing TD? In this economy?
Has anyone even fumbled this half?
/stares at teevee box impatient-like
Good lord, a 15 year old is playing for Arsenal. I was 5’1 when I was fifteen. Shut up Matt Gaetz
Did you see that women’s rugby score vs Fiji? Wow!
Wife has been texting me as I am at pub
Maybe K State should have pooch punted, play for the safety?
But yeah, 50 yard FGs from the hash in slop conditions are a dumb idea.
I’m not sure either of these teams has properly plumbed the depths of dumb decisions yet.
Think both coaches are questioning the decision to get out of bed this morning.
That kicker is not a mudder.
Even Internationale, Farmageddon can’t escape what its Iowa State-Kansas State roots.
7-7 at halftime in Dublin.
Will the Stillers/Vikes game have the same level of excitement?!
While they may have the same score, they will fall well short of the hilarity we’ve seen so far.
3-0 to the good! Swedish Chris Wood begins his campaign of terrorizing defenders! What a delightful match this has been!
4-0 now! And they say that lightning doesn’t strike Timber twice in the same place!
Are we going to see another full-scale invasion and occupation of territories, not unlike the Kaiser’s men laying waste to the Portuguese colony back in 2014?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqEjssw0G4
Getting a 15-yard Taunting penalty on tackle for a three-yard gain. Interesting strategy on making it to 53-man roster.
the Jests are intrigued
They’ll gladly trade a second- and fourth-round draft pick to learn more.
Nailed It!
— B. Walsh
That call just reminds me of a fave from Carlin – You drive like old people fuck. Slow, and SLOPPY.
Bulawayo Saka opens his account! 2-0 to those that are favoured by His Majesty!
In honor of JV Week 0, former-JV Cincy QB is starting for V Cincy in NFL Week -1.
I like this integer nomenclature. In future years (if they occur), we must remember to call the Hall of Fame puppy abortion as Week -4.
Billy Bob Thornton, doing cell phone ads??
Christ on a bike, he don’t seem like a feller who would be great with financial planning but DUE BETTER man
His therapy bills from dating Angelina Jolie are outrageous man.
but WORTH IT, ah bet
True Brick Story #473:
I once hung out with Billy Bob Thornton at his house in Beverly Hills and shot pool with him.
who won at pool?
False start. Everyone but the snapper, lol.
Fumble to the left! Fumble to the right!
This is such a glorious start to the season.
Made better/funnier because these are relatively GOOD squadrons, even.
Greetings, gentlemen and others! My manservants are rejoicing at the acquisition of our newest member of the infantry from the Nigeria Protectorate branch in South London. They tell me that he can slice through a back line like Mobutu Sese Seko sliced through his political opponents. I have no doubt that he will be instrumental in the quest for the title this year!
It would seem that we are engaged in a skirmish with an upstart band from West Yorkshire at the moment. Because we are Right and Just, we will surely prevail! Onward to glory!
SHOTS FIRED, Gov.!!!
/still can’t tell if that was intentional or just a lucky bounce
The Swedish Chris Wood is supposed to be the main scoring threat, but he has just been outclassed by a wee bit of Timber! Get in!
Like they say about footy points – they’s all pink in the dark.
Onward, good sir!
Onwards to glory!
I see Ireland is in the midst of a field paint famine.
I’ve seen brighter lines out of emo music.
There’s a limit to Aer Lingus’ sponsoUr funding.
Not to be confused with Air Dingus, from Buddy Cole’s unlabeled DVD collection…
Some quicker reads called by Cornpone State OC, to maximum effect
ESPN Scorebug: Updated Graphics that don’t draw attention from the game.
Fox Sports Scorebug: Minimalist Clip Art with No Background that somehow draws attention from the game.
FATMAN reception!
pretty good hands for a JV right guard!
This pitch is gonna be WWI no-man’s-land-ish in Q4. And I am HERE for it!!!
I fear Ireland can’t comprehend the hilarity of this fixture.
The further deterioration of this field is only going to add to the fun.
If this game was occurring in eastern France or western Germany, this would be the smartest comment in some time.
Dennis Miller would be turning over in his grave, if only he (and not just his sense of humoUr) were ded
Week 0 gets a SkyCast of Iowa State-Kansas State? Sure, why not?!
“hat on a hat” but in a TOTES cis-het fashion smgdh
Muffed punt! JV footy is BACK!
Chaos! Entropy!! Other similar words!!!
Egregious! Superfluous! Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!!!
Did Iowa St capitalize on that turnover or did they just give the ball back on another turnover?
Reader, you already know that answer because this is JV footy.
Blowing TWO firsts and goal is pretty goddamned impressive
The JV footy has never JV footy-ied so hard to start the season.
We survived the JV Offseason!
(pours one out for Dadshirt)
Hey, he signed off with y’all’s TreeNuts as National Champions FOAREVER. Pretty baller move.
Yeah, good point. The Football Gods granted him a National Championship send off and cursed me with an irrational hatred with my team’s National Championship due to the Head Coach.
Everyone (that counts) wins!!!
My dad died two days after the Steelers won the Super Bowl in 2006. Went out a champion!
I spent a good morning at a popular nearby market. Wifey got a couple of outfits and a bracelet. I got to people watch the girls in thier summer cloths… and haul the cargo. Series A season kicks off as I sit here blowing off doing the lawn. Life’s good. Be well Peeps…
The thing that the religious right absolutely loves about the current White House is that they really have their fingers
in the orifices ofon the pulse of today’s youth.“Please to keep your hands and feet inside the cat at all times.”
‘Uh, wut?’
-Kruger
I really hope there is a “Kitty 2A” segment of the interwebs. Goddamn my fat fucking (TYPING) fingers…
I imagine with HippoSpeak any grammar check shit is rendered useless anyhoo…
My Autocorrect has effectively given up on me…
I had that shirt, in white. I wore it until it was a rag, and Gumby made me throw it out!
I have week without Deciltre, we left him in the woods of Manitoba. My day looks like pub for the Water pistols game, haircut, pub for DFO’s Cavalry FC (biggest game of the year this far) then patio in the sun with many beers. Have to train the liver for LA
Veteran crew of drinkers out here.
Haircut 2 days ago, time for a stretch then some footy.
‘left him in the woods of Manitoba’
a Canuckian rite of passage kinda thing?
If he finds his way home he gets a beer.
And a Big Turk!
…but he must return with at least a pint of maple syrup.
and fashion his own ski cap from the hide of a freshly killed wolverine (animal – not Michigan fan)
Either will suffice.
“SoUrry, but its called a toque, eh”
Balding Walton Goggins makes it two to the Bees. Hippo is surprise.
(VAR to Villans rescue)
I thought he looked familiar.
He’s really branching out, what with the Wal-Mart ads and now the footy career. And to think that before Justified, nobody who ain’t watch The Shield knew who that dude was…
him and Jimi Simpson in kinda odd leading villain main roles. Saw him in a bit Carnivale part which i think was before him mcpoyling on sunny.
Jimmi Simpson is one of my favorite actors right now. It’s funny seeing him get so much respect given his roots.
Feels right to acknowledge RIP to Charlie Kelly’s mom (and what a perfectly It’s Always Sunny tribute they paid to her on Wednesday)
He hosted Saturday Night Live! That’s how you know you made it. Or being on The Simpsons. Or having a deranged stalker.
“Finally, an image of cheerleaders that actually gets me excited.” – blaxabbath
About to leave for Vermont for the weekend. You all be good.
Bring me back one of those I LOVERMONT shirts!
Black Cats 2nd strip is very nice.
Fuck Wcott Parker with a rusty screwdriver the fucking nonce.
The understanding is, I presume, that a hot black border fence will be too hot over which to climb?
Do these East Coast Elites know we handle black steel all summer in the desert? I mean, it’s all Mexico’s money, but still….
It’s all performative, by the stupidest performance artists you can imagine.
Even Yoko Ono is shaking her head in embarrassment.
I thought it was a portrait of his soul.
No, you’re thinking of…
[image of dog poop covered in flies]
/don’t want to actually post it because it’s gross to look at
appreciated. hate it when you’re scrolling along and then…
I just hope the quick image search I did doesn’t infect the ad profile that Google has for me.
.
I served him, looks about right.
Also — it would be cheaper to fabricate the fence black. Not go back in the dead of summer and commit to a full in-situ coating of the piece.
Didn’t think anything could brighten my sports mood this weekend after watching West Ham get exposed yesterday, but this’ll do just fine. If this was a boxing match it would certainly be scored a unanimous decision.
If they insist on sucking for another year the league should impose their well deserved 100 point deduction now.
Thomas Frank, drunken sailing instructor or God amongst men?
YES
Just because the Bechdel test came up recently, I’d like to mention that Jane Austin famously never wrote a conversation that happens only between men. Supposedly because that’s the one social situation she could never observe.
Fun fact. Maybe, I’m not going back to check.
-My, the lady doth has an opulent rack
-Truly
This commentary is unlistenable! How in the tank can you be for City? How in the fucking tank do you even need to be at this point? Are they trying to score Oasis tickets? FUCK, this is nauseating. I hope Tim Howard straightens these 2 assholes out at halftime.
Well, they can’t have my tickets. 2 weeks to go, if the federales let me into your country!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtPkXey3QmU
HEY YINZ GUYS, IT’S SATURDAAAAYYYYY
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/R3RDxgkDLco