Hey, best of luck to everyone in both DFO fantasy leagues except for Ayo, who can rot in hell. (why yes, he is my opponent this week) JK, Ayo-may your freezer always remain cold. Let’s get at it.
To The Games!
Fins/Colts:
Two teams on the precipice but one of them is no longer under the thumb of a pill-addled nepo man. Was that harsh? (I think that may have been harsh) There’s enough talent there for both teams to get over the hump but I think both coaches don’t survive the season. Daniel Jones will play behind a somewhat competent offensive line since, since ever? It won’t make any difference though-he’s been ruined in a way that only David Carr can truly understand.
Cards/Saints:
Wait a sec. Shouldn’t this unwatchable tilt be hidden in the late slate? Easier to hide it here? Ah, I get it now. New Orleans will be in QB hell all season, having to rely on Rattler or rookie Shough to guide them after Derek Carr’s retirement. I can’t see them getting to 4 wins.
Raiders/Pats:
Of all the second-year QB’s in the league, it seems that no one is under more pressure to succeed than Maye. Belichick is long gone but organizational malaise is still apparent with respect to the wr spot. A washed Diggs is your answer? All starters less than 6′ and under 200 pounds? The only receiver room that might be worse is TA DA! them Raiders.
Steelers/Jets:
“Revenge Game” narrative rears it’s ugly head. But, but Rodgers’ base personality is ‘petty dipshit’ though. It’s funny to me that Green Bay finally drafted a wr in the first round after Aaron left and that Pitt traded away Pickens as well. It’s as though GM’s unconsciously want The Precious One to fail.
Giants/Commies:
Welp, we’ll find out early how New York is going to fare in their division. If Daniels takes another leap forward in his progress the entire league will be on notice, never mind the NFC East. He is well-suited, given his running ability, to deal with the Giants pass rush so I can’t see Washington losing here.
Panthers/Jags:
Usually an afterthought, this is my pick for under-rated game of the day. The O/U sits at 46.5 as the defenses will struggle all year long and the respective offenses could be sneaky good.
Bengals/Browns:
Love that Cincy offense but that D will make too many games too close to call. Will Cleveland be the first team to dress 4 QB’s once Watson comes back? Make it happen, Browns.
Bucs/Falcons:
I think there’s a wild card spot available to each of the teams here so this tilt has outsized importance for the participants. Don’t sleep on that Tampa offense if Mayfield can continue on the path he forged last year.
Give me all of your good stuff.
Elite-ception!
This Rattlesnake kid is better than expected, although that would probably also be true of a cabbage
Well, good to see Tommy DeVito got work…
Aaron Rodgers isn’t being hit nearly enough.
Could have said this in the off-season and still been 100% correct.
Me – 2010 NFC championship game
Burrow is starting to get frustrated. The Bengalization process has begun.
heard the emergency room had a 4 hr wait
Every legendary story I have that begins with Miller Lite end with “and then I threw up all over the place,” but thanks for the reminder Christopher Walken.
Does that make you #UpForWhatever?
No, those stories start with Bud Light and end with me getting canceled for angering a sponsor.
Deadspin was just ahead of its time. See: Colbert, CBS
symptoms of Szmyt include restless shanking of the leg
Erin Andrews looking like a bird every time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=635HXVXGsH4
That #ThePauls kicker needs to buy a vowel. And a more accurate leg.
You can in fact buy a lot of stuff in the back streets of Cleveland

Dude can get you a good hookup to drinkable water!
SHANK’LOR be praised.
That drive was so long, I think Joe Burrow fell asleep on the sideline.
Why do y’all always start the season like this? It’s mystifying
Even more mystifying since this year I deliberately stayed away from them in the eliminator challenge.
Figured they’d win by 6 TDs.
Dylan Sampson of all people upholding the tradition of scoring more points on my bench than a clear starter
Tiny Sampson
Dolphins offensive more fucked up than our home insurance market
and pretty soon, heath insurance!
Well, I’m still on the wall at the bar. #blessed
“I named my bidet Stanley Tushy”
TUACEPTION x2
tank with tua in full swing
Waddle 1 catch, 1 injury my job is done here
LOLFins!
We have a dildo on the field in Cleveland. I repeat, there is a dildo on the field in Cleveland.
https://bsky.app/profile/mnewhouse.bsky.social/post/3lybdhjod622h
Expected to see Watson running onto the field in street clothes for some reason.
I was told that Deshaun Watson was inactive.
We would also have accepted “Shouldn’t Jimmy Haslem be in the owner’s box?”
/to the tune of “Blue Jean”
“Bijan, I started a running back named Bijan,
He’s got helmeted face, tons of points
[saxophone blast]
Remember, he catches passes out of the backfield, Bijan
Oh Bijan, are fantasy points even sweeter than Bijan’s?
He got 4.4 speed
He got tremendous jukes
[another saxophone screech]
Sometimes I feel like, ohhhh
(he’s carrying my whole fantasy team)
Pumped for Bijan!
(Ohhhh, Bijan doesn’t make me blue.
Feces of the Taurus
Is that the third moon of Jupiter or am I misrembering?
uranus
Ceti Alpha V.
Football horoscopes is a brilliant idea
Now I’m thinking of the weird al song
“That’s your horoscope for today….”
19-17 halftime in Joisey
Fair amount of offensing, which I’m sure EVERYONE had on their itinerary for today. Neither team can stop the run, and both receiving corps have had inconsistent halves.
Oh, and WVU lost to Ohio yesterday.
THE Ohio University?
Despite THREE pickerceptions by the Bobcat quartered back. Scored a grand total of 10 points.
BUT…at least they ain’t lose as the direct result of spitting on the opponent
“Neither team can stop the run,”
Fake news. Stillers haven’t been able to run for shit.
Deebo with the truffle shuffle
I hate to back up Brady, but I would have clocked it, too.
I feel much better now seeing my fantasy opponent is starting Tua’s negative 2.23 pts
Spectacular soccer flop from Ramsey
Ramsey with the SGA-level foul-baiting.
Was Russ always that chubby?
edit: oh wait, that wasn’t Russ. Who was that fatass?
And to think, Stafford doesn’t even waddle onstage until the late window!
MAKE AMERICA HEFTY AGAIN
Jet makes nice catch?? This is such a weird timeline
Just spotted these at the bar outside Lumen.
The Colts haven’t won an opener in 11 years? THESE MIAMI DOLPHINS, I CALL A HIGH CALORIE WOMAN AT A DIVE BAR AT 2 AM BECAUSE THEY’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A SLUMP BUSTER
“High Calorie Woman?” [begins riffing on guitar].
-Carlos Santana
Jonnu, Jonnu freed from the dolphins
These Cardinals are treating the Saints like priests treat underage parishioners.
I want, nay, NEED a purple monkey dishwasher t-shirt!
Even God Himself doesn’t want to see Panthers-Jaguars.
“He’s more interested in the US Open!”
– The 30% of Arkansas Farmers Who Are Going Bankrupt By End of 2026
30% might be very optimistic
They’ll all blame Blacks and teh Jews, too.
Sigh. I considered elevating Egbuka from Indelible Prickstains’ bench. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.
/also pretty sure wouldn’t matter anyway, I’mma get shitcanned each league
I also faded the hype train in favoUr of $5 Austin Ekeler, figuring he’d be value alongside Jayden Daniels.
/I wouldn’t have had the moneys to bid on Bill anyway, he went for like $12
I have him playing today. Did Yahoo give me shit specifically for drafting him? Yes, yes it did.
Field goal by Nick Folk, not to be confused with “Dick Folk”, one of the rejected concepts for particpants in Alex DeMote’s “Tiny Conflicts” board game.
thats name already taken by Dick Foles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFArYx3Ay84
This Jayden Daniels kid has the very same instincts as Mahomes when the pocket breaks down. Fifteen years of this? Fuck.
As long as he doesn’t get injured (knocks on an entire damn forest) he has the potential to make Brady and Mahomes look like POOATs (pretty okayish of all time)
Needless worry, Shanahan left the building long ago.
But did he take the turf with him?
Justin Fields, QB of your 2027 Seattle Seahawks!
dead duck
Hippo also thought he was clever, getting the Qards D/ST for $1 at auction. Surely any unit would smack around Rattlesnake kid, this moe-ron reasoned…
Your reasoning was absolutely solid.
My freezer vodka team nods in agreement
I am just lucky all my skill player targets kept getting sniped, so I over-drafted the Donks D/ST just to be a homer.
I swearz we were all reading the same pre-draft hype stuffs
https://bsky.app/profile/lollardfish.bsky.social/post/3lyb7hcuduk2m
No Kitty this is my pot pie!
My “fade all Fat Humps” strategy for FF looks just fucking great. Forunately, i’ve only one LOLfin (Indelible Prickstains stashed Ollie Gordon on our bench)
Making a mental note of red zone advertisers for a boycott
Bengals defense do a good?
They read the instructions on the toilet, “if it’s Brown, flush it down”
I think this “Blind Squirrel” defense just might have legs!
Jets players rewarded for their patience of wanting to hit Aaron Rodgers all last year
am sure not much will happen to tua gettin knocked around like that
He won’t know if it does
Settle down, Tyreek. You’s playin’ FITBAW, not beating your kids. Save it FOAR later smgdh
I had no idea this tune was about child abuse. The things you learn on this site…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0PUXt4-q80&list=RD_0PUXt4-q80&start_radio=1
inorite!!!???
Perfect request, no notes.
Dolphins achieving the Red Zone of anger