Let’s Do This! Your First Full Slate of Games Open Thread

Hey, best of luck to everyone in both DFO fantasy leagues except for Ayo, who can rot in hell. (why yes, he is my opponent this week) JK, Ayo-may your freezer always remain cold. Let’s get at it.

To The Games!

Fins/Colts:

Two teams on the precipice but one of them is no longer under the thumb of a pill-addled nepo man. Was that harsh? (I think that may have been harsh) There’s enough talent there for both teams to get over the hump but I think both coaches don’t survive the season. Daniel Jones will play behind a somewhat competent offensive line since, since ever? It won’t make any difference though-he’s been ruined in a way that only David Carr can truly understand.

Cards/Saints:

Wait a sec. Shouldn’t this unwatchable tilt be hidden in the late slate? Easier to hide it here? Ah, I get it now. New Orleans will be in QB hell all season, having to rely on Rattler or rookie Shough to guide them after Derek Carr’s retirement. I can’t see them getting to 4 wins.

Raiders/Pats:

Of all the second-year QB’s in the league, it seems that no one is under more pressure to succeed than Maye. Belichick is long gone but organizational malaise is still apparent with respect to the wr spot. A washed Diggs is your answer? All starters less than 6′ and under 200 pounds? The only receiver room that might be worse is TA DA! them Raiders.

Steelers/Jets:

“Revenge Game” narrative rears it’s ugly head. But, but Rodgers’ base personality is ‘petty dipshit’ though. It’s funny to me that Green Bay finally drafted a wr in the first round after Aaron left and that Pitt traded away Pickens as well. It’s as though GM’s unconsciously want The Precious One to fail.

Giants/Commies:

Welp, we’ll find out early how New York is going to fare in their division. If Daniels takes another leap forward in his progress the entire league will be on notice, never mind the NFC East. He is well-suited, given his running ability, to deal with the Giants pass rush so I can’t see Washington losing here.

Panthers/Jags:

Usually an afterthought, this is my pick for under-rated game of the day. The O/U sits at 46.5 as the defenses will struggle all year long and the respective offenses could be sneaky good.

Bengals/Browns:

Love that Cincy offense but that D will make too many games too close to call. Will Cleveland be the first team to dress 4 QB’s once Watson comes back? Make it happen, Browns.

Bucs/Falcons:

I think there’s a wild card spot available to each of the teams here so this tilt has outsized importance for the participants. Don’t sleep on that Tampa offense if Mayfield can continue on the path he forged last year.

Give me all of your good stuff.

 

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Redshirt

Elite-ception!

Doktor Zymm

This Rattlesnake kid is better than expected, although that would probably also be true of a cabbage

Horatio Cornblower

Well, good to see Tommy DeVito got work…

Beerguyrob

Aaron Rodgers isn’t being hit nearly enough.

Horatio Cornblower

Could have said this in the off-season and still been 100% correct.

Brocky

Me – 2010 NFC championship game

Redshirt

Burrow is starting to get frustrated. The Bengalization process has begun.

Gatoraids

heard the emergency room had a 4 hr wait

Horatio Cornblower

Every legendary story I have that begins with Miller Lite end with “and then I threw up all over the place,” but thanks for the reminder Christopher Walken.

WCS

Does that make you #UpForWhatever?

Horatio Cornblower

No, those stories start with Bud Light and end with me getting canceled for angering a sponsor.

WCS

Deadspin was just ahead of its time. See: Colbert, CBS

Gatoraids

symptoms of Szmyt include restless shanking of the leg

Last edited 5 months ago by Gatoraids
Mr. Ayo

That #ThePauls kicker needs to buy a vowel. And a more accurate leg.

Doktor Zymm

You can in fact buy a lot of stuff in the back streets of Cleveland
comment image

WCS

Dude can get you a good hookup to drinkable water!

Redshirt

SHANK’LOR be praised.

Redshirt

That drive was so long, I think Joe Burrow fell asleep on the sideline.

King Hippo

Why do y’all always start the season like this? It’s mystifying

Horatio Cornblower

Even more mystifying since this year I deliberately stayed away from them in the eliminator challenge.

Figured they’d win by 6 TDs.

Doktor Zymm

Dylan Sampson of all people upholding the tradition of scoring more points on my bench than a clear starter

Gatoraids

Tiny Sampson

Gatoraids

Dolphins offensive more fucked up than our home insurance market

fleshwound_NPG

and pretty soon, heath insurance!

Beerguyrob

Well, I’m still on the wall at the bar. #blessed

IMG_1190
Gumbygirl

“I named my bidet Stanley Tushy”

fleshwound_NPG

TUACEPTION x2

tank with tua in full swing

Gatoraids

Waddle 1 catch, 1 injury my job is done here

Mr. Ayo

LOLFins!

Horatio Cornblower

We have a dildo on the field in Cleveland. I repeat, there is a dildo on the field in Cleveland.

https://bsky.app/profile/mnewhouse.bsky.social/post/3lybdhjod622h

LemonJello

Expected to see Watson running onto the field in street clothes for some reason.

Horatio Cornblower

We would also have accepted “Shouldn’t Jimmy Haslem be in the owner’s box?”

Doktor Zymm

Feces of the Taurus

fleshwound_NPG

uranus

Beerguyrob

Ceti Alpha V.

IMG_1198
Doktor Zymm

Football horoscopes is a brilliant idea

Brocky

Now I’m thinking of the weird al song

“That’s your horoscope for today….”

WCS

19-17 halftime in Joisey

Fair amount of offensing, which I’m sure EVERYONE had on their itinerary for today. Neither team can stop the run, and both receiving corps have had inconsistent halves.

Oh, and WVU lost to Ohio yesterday.

Beerguyrob

THE Ohio University?

King Hippo

Despite THREE pickerceptions by the Bobcat quartered back. Scored a grand total of 10 points.

BUT…at least they ain’t lose as the direct result of spitting on the opponent

BeefReeferLives

“Neither team can stop the run,”

Fake news. Stillers haven’t been able to run for shit.

Gatoraids

Deebo with the truffle shuffle

King Hippo

I hate to back up Brady, but I would have clocked it, too.

Gatoraids

I feel much better now seeing my fantasy opponent is starting Tua’s negative 2.23 pts

Gumbygirl

Spectacular soccer flop from Ramsey

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ramsey with the SGA-level foul-baiting.

Doktor Zymm

Was Russ always that chubby?

edit: oh wait, that wasn’t Russ. Who was that fatass?

Last edited 5 months ago by Doktor Zymm
King Hippo

And to think, Stafford doesn’t even waddle onstage until the late window!

Doktor Zymm

MAKE AMERICA HEFTY AGAIN

Doktor Zymm

Jet makes nice catch?? This is such a weird timeline

Beerguyrob

Just spotted these at the bar outside Lumen.

IMG_1193
Wakezilla

The Colts haven’t won an opener in 11 years? THESE MIAMI DOLPHINS, I CALL A HIGH CALORIE WOMAN AT A DIVE BAR AT 2 AM BECAUSE THEY’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A SLUMP BUSTER

Gatoraids

Jonnu, Jonnu freed from the dolphins

LemonJello

These Cardinals are treating the Saints like priests treat underage parishioners.

Brocky

comment image

LemonJello

I want, nay, NEED a purple monkey dishwasher t-shirt!

Redshirt

Even God Himself doesn’t want to see Panthers-Jaguars.

blaxabbath

“He’s more interested in the US Open!”

– The 30% of Arkansas Farmers Who Are Going Bankrupt By End of 2026

fleshwound_NPG

30% might be very optimistic

King Hippo

They’ll all blame Blacks and teh Jews, too.

King Hippo

Sigh. I considered elevating Egbuka from Indelible Prickstains’ bench. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

/also pretty sure wouldn’t matter anyway, I’mma get shitcanned each league

King Hippo

I also faded the hype train in favoUr of $5 Austin Ekeler, figuring he’d be value alongside Jayden Daniels.

/I wouldn’t have had the moneys to bid on Bill anyway, he went for like $12

Horatio Cornblower

I have him playing today. Did Yahoo give me shit specifically for drafting him? Yes, yes it did.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Field goal by Nick Folk, not to be confused with “Dick Folk”, one of the rejected concepts for particpants in Alex DeMote’s “Tiny Conflicts” board game.

Gatoraids

thats name already taken by Dick Foles

Doktor Zymm

As long as he doesn’t get injured (knocks on an entire damn forest) he has the potential to make Brady and Mahomes look like POOATs (pretty okayish of all time)

Horatio Cornblower

But did he take the turf with him?

Doktor Zymm

Justin Fields, QB of your 2027 Seattle Seahawks!

fleshwound_NPG

dead duck

King Hippo

Hippo also thought he was clever, getting the Qards D/ST for $1 at auction. Surely any unit would smack around Rattlesnake kid, this moe-ron reasoned…

Doktor Zymm

My freezer vodka team nods in agreement

King Hippo

I am just lucky all my skill player targets kept getting sniped, so I over-drafted the Donks D/ST just to be a homer.

Doktor Zymm

I swearz we were all reading the same pre-draft hype stuffs

Brocky

comment image

Brocky

No Kitty this is my pot pie!

comment image

King Hippo

My “fade all Fat Humps” strategy for FF looks just fucking great. Forunately, i’ve only one LOLfin (Indelible Prickstains stashed Ollie Gordon on our bench)

Last edited 5 months ago by King Hippo
Doktor Zymm

Making a mental note of red zone advertisers for a boycott

Redshirt

Bengals defense do a good?

Doktor Zymm

They read the instructions on the toilet, “if it’s Brown, flush it down”

Gatoraids

Jets players rewarded for their patience of wanting to hit Aaron Rodgers all last year

fleshwound_NPG

am sure not much will happen to tua gettin knocked around like that

Gumbygirl

He won’t know if it does

King Hippo

Settle down, Tyreek. You’s playin’ FITBAW, not beating your kids. Save it FOAR later smgdh

King Hippo

inorite!!!???

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Perfect request, no notes.

Gatoraids

Dolphins achieving the Red Zone of anger