[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo: Just Fade Everyone

Senor Weaselo

/

, , ,

The Jets are bad. The less can be said about them the better. Their bye post will be in a Wumbo post and more likely pre-empted by a Nocturnes Magazine.

Your face? it's bad. - okay.

The Yankees aren’t gonna win shit with Aaron Boone, as once again evidenced by yesterday’s Max Fried pulling for Luke Weaver suckorama and game-ending NOBLETIGER (No Outs, Bases Loaded Ends with Team Incapable of Getting Easy Run) against, of all people, Playoff Chapman. Please report to the Shadow Realm. For what it’s worth, Judge did go 2/4 and Anthony Volpe apparently is a Playoff Guy, but that’s not worth much.

(Why doesn’t YouTube embed nice for me some days? Who knows.) Anyways, we got news and we got heat!

-The heat: Aqib “Iced Up” Talib calls Tyreek Hill’s knee injury “karma,” stating “Football Gods don’t play.” Karma for, well, you know. Hill’s surgery went well and it was reported by his agent that he will not need more surgeries and plans to play in 2026.

-Another Elite Era Ends: Flacco benched, Dillon Gabriel in at QB for #ThePauls.

-LB Shaquille Leonard is retiring as a Colt, with a halftime speech on Sunday. Leonard, the 2018 DROY, played for six seasons (no movie) and was a three-time First Team All-Pro (2018, 2020, 2021), but nerve injuries and multiple back surgeries limited his career before being released by the Colts in 2023 before finding time with the Eagles that season, and did not play at all last year.

TV time:

More playoffs:
-…No, seriously? Game-ending NOBLETIGER? That’s somehow the third-worst thing you did in the calendar month! (BOS vs. NYY, Red Sox lead 1-0, in progress, ESPN)
-Fightin’ Redshirts vs. Gamblin’ Legally-Not-Ohtanis (CIN vs. LAD, Dodgers lead 1-0, 9:08, ESPN)

U-20 World Cup, in Chile, ‘Tain’t Chilly At All
-Brazil vs. Morocco (7:00, FS1)
-Argentina vs. Australia (8:00, FS2)

Even the Nocturnes don’t have a NOBLETIGER this season, and we had 4 last season in 30 games! Hell, there were two grand slams in the series against Springfield that just finished! (Yes, of course they’re the Isotopes, half this league’s team and/or stadium names reference something else and that one’s on a tee.)

 

 

5 5 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
119 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
WCS

I was making a reply to Redshirt down below, which has become something much bigger and bitter. I want to use it as a sort-of primer for the Stillers bye week recap WHICH I AM DOING unlike the never written typed preseason outlook. When would be a good time slot to post these? I don’t want to punt anything that’s scheduled.

2
Jimbo

Will there be hawt Qaaron takes?

0
WCS

To be honest, Qaron has been utterly silent around here. Like, not a peep about him. He’s not cornering co-eds in bathroom stalls, no riding his face on asphalt and window glass after flying off the motorcycle he was told not to drive, no weird ayahuasca-induced tirades. Not even a backhanded compliment about a teammate or reporter. He’s been good.

Thanks for letting me type up my assessment of him.

7
Doktor Zymm

This isn’t the first time a player has responded positively to the uniquely Steelers perk of all the fresh chicken blood you can drink

3
WCS

Tomlin Voodoo involving psychotropics makes a lot of sense now that you think about it.

4
Jimbo

Wife asked me ” who’s that little boy pitching?”

2
SonOfSpam

The latest J-Pop sensation?

1
Jimbo

And our fahken closer apparently.

0
SonOfSpam

Filthy stuff tonight.

1
Redshirt

God hates Cincinnati, or our teams hates us. At this point, I have no fucking idea.

IMG_2058
Last edited 6 months ago by Redshirt
3
blaxabbath

Vote better.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Dave Roberts took a pitcher out when he had 2 outs and a 1-2 count on the batter.

Francona responded by taking the hitter out and sending up a pinch hitter, who promptly swung very hard at ball striking out. The strikeout goes to the guy sitting on the bench.

If I’m sitting on a bench and the manager says “Hey, Horatio, grab a bat and get up there. By the way it’s 1-2 when you get there” my response would be “I’ll pass Coach, but let me know how it works out for you.”

6
Redshirt

If Marty Brennaman and Joe Nuxhall were still in the booth, they would be openly swearing until 700 AM cuts the feed.

3
SonOfSpam

Joe Nuxhall, who pitched in the majors when he was like 15? That’s a pretty unbreakable record.

0
Redshirt

How many times can the Reds leave the bases loaded? Let’s find out!

good-movies-rule-gmr
Last edited 6 months ago by Redshirt
2
Redshirt

Okay, we have officially topped the Bengals Monday Night Football performance.

0
Brick Meathook

I just spent an 90 minutes, including 30 minutes with Disney/ESPN phone support (it took 2 guys to fix it), trying to get the ESPN app I pay for to show me a fucking baseball game. The solution finally was to give them more money.

How was it?

It was a living hell. Do you know what it’s like to be down in the mud, and kicked . . . in the head . . . with an iron boot? No of course you don’t, no one does, that’s a dumb question, skip that.

Last edited 6 months ago by Brick Meathook
5
BeefReeferLives

It’s so utterly fucked. Anytime I want to watch anything on ESPN+, I have to use a edge browser in private mode…

honestly, sometimes it’s just easier to pull in an illicit stream.

Last edited 6 months ago by BeefReeferLives
2
Redshirt

You can make a non-injury pitching change in the middle of an at bat?

0
Mr. Ayo

Of course. As long as they faced their minimum of 3 batters.

3
Mr. Ayo

We have a possible NOBLETIGER brewing.

Nevermind, the Rojos survive another batter.

0
SonOfSpam

Reds: “We give. Uncle.”
Dodgers’ bullpen: “NOT SO FAST”

3
Redshirt

Look, I know none of these teams wants to go to Philadelphia, but one of these teams has to win the series and move on.

1
SonOfSpam

Reds: “No, really, we’re good. Thanks anyway.”

2
Jimbo

I hope Jayden Daniels is playing Sunday, I didn’t pay good money to see Mariota.

/did not pay good money.

3
Doktor Zymm

He’s not listed as questionable anymore

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“All money is good money!” – Supply Side Jesus

2
Redshirt

…and thus concludes the latest chapter in Cincinnati Playoff Lore.

Last edited 6 months ago by Redshirt
0
Redshirt

..

IMG_2057
4
Horatio Cornblower

I don’t think the Reds are gonna make it.

0
Redshirt

No, no, we still have nine more outs…assuming we can get two more outs. A very big assumption, I’ll concede.

0
Senor Weaselo

Well, you tried, Reds. And you gave us LOLMETS.

5
Redshirt

Yeah, we’re a year early but it showed. Though, I’d question why you’d pull Lodolo after 14 pitches, I’m sure it was for a valid reason. We’ll be back.

Congrats, LA fans. Good luck the rest of the playoffs.

(muttering under breath) Spoiled smug assholes probably forgot they had a baseball team until September.

6
SonOfSpam

We didn’t forget, it’s just been so nice out.

6
Redshirt

I’ll give you guys credit though, you guys showed up and cheered out.

1
Doktor Zymm

That’s probably 90% Japanese tourists

3
WCS

Shohei likes those odds.

0
Jimbo

Thanks, we actually have 2 teams but we don’t talk about the other one.

No offence Spam

4
Dunstan

Well, one of them was a farm team that produced Ohtani, so that was nice.

2
Jimbo

The Nippon Ham-fighters?

2
SonOfSpam

The Angels will have their revenge by, um, not having to be in LA I guess?

1
Jimbo

Tuff but fare.

0
SonOfSpam

Sure, it’s vanilla and boring here, but it’s also soulless.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fun Fact: “Tuff but fare” was a fast casual dining concept that Balls unsuccessfully pitched to some investors last month

0
Bogdanski

Yeah, but they’re in Anaheim

0
Redshirt

Welp…

2
Redshirt

At least the Reds are keeping it interesting.

0
litre_cola

Rojos are in business here.

0
litre_cola

Or the exact opposite.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Grand Opening!

Grand Closing!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, that was pretty soul-crushing.

0
Redshirt

It was the baseball equivalent of Tin Cup where Roy kept dropping the ball to show he could hit the ball over the water. After the third run, I just started laughing.

1
WCS

Bobby Petrino is herpes, he infected PirateKansas 17 years ago, and Pig Soowee’s flaring up again.

2
Jimbo

Nope, the US definitely doesn’t have a gun problem.

https://www.404media.co/a-bullet-crashed-the-internet-in-texas

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Guns don’t knock out internet to thousands and thousands of people, people knock out internet to thousands and thousands of people.

8
SonOfSpam

QUICK AIRDROP SOME “BOOKS” IN THE AREA

3
Jimbo

What are these “Books” and can we shoot them? average Texan probably

4
Unsurprised

This is Texas, not the U.S.

We should invade Texas and take their stuff.

0
Mr. Ayo

Doyers ahead? Nature is healing.

1
Jimbo

Es verdad.

1
Jimbo

Woo. Kike!

0
WCS

— overheard from Stephen Miller’s office constantly

10
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not in the context of wooing, however.

3
Unsurprised

Given where he’s from and where he went to high school, this is not a joke.

0
litre_cola

Let’s get Redshirt some happiness tonight. Beat the Blue team!

3
Redshirt

Yay! Sympathy Coin!

3
SonOfSpam

Don’t forget, the Campeones Cup is tonite (9:30 DFO Time), which features last season’s MLS winner vs last season’s Liga MX winner.

Galaxy! Toluca! WHO YA GOT?

Univision I think, so brush up on that Español. (“pelota” means “ball” which will be important if someone is kicked in the pelotas)

3
litre_cola

In Canadia it is the Canadian Championship Vancouver Whitecaps of MLS vs Vancouver FC of Canadian Premier League, VFC is the worst team in the league this year but somehow made it to the final. Due to how berths work in Concacaf, they very well could lose tonight and get the right to get shit kicked in International games!

2
SonOfSpam

What’s great about the Campeones Cup is it doesn’t seem to be anywhere on TV. But your wacky Canadia Cup is.

American Soccer – catch the fever! (very very low-grade fever)

1
Jimbo

I looked it up and It’s only on Apple TV.

People running the MLS took too much Tylenol

1
Wakezilla

CJ Stroud was asked about ways to improve his explosiveness:

“I feel like I’m getting old. I’m not as quick as I used to be. I was watching my high school stuff a couple days ago… I was like 180… I was rollin.”

What did that O-line do to CJ?

3
Jimbo

He’s 23, wth.

1
Redshirt

Wow, we’re destroying Burrow physically; Houston is destroying Stroud mentally!

2
SonOfSpam

Can that happen to an Ohio State alum?

0
Redshirt

Art Schlitcher. Dwayne Haskins. Troy Smith. Archie Griffin.

Evidence does suggest it.

2
Don T

https://youtu.be/wA0muyg2aNM?si=CfUhcG2QfPFMRF9j

0
Doktor Zymm

EVERYTHING IS BIGGER IN TEXAS INCLUDING YOUR AGE AND WEIGHT AND THE GAPS IN YOUR O-LINE

7
Redshirt

What that weird shape next to the Reds logo? Holy shit, we scored runs in the first? We have a lead in a playoff game?!

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3 out of the 4 baseball things I wanted last night happened; seems fitting that 3 out of the 4 baseball things I don’t want to happen look like they will tonight.

0
Redshirt

.

IMG_2056
7
Senor Weaselo

Never in doubt!

/Oh, it was very much in doubt.

1
Redshirt

“I have complete faith in my Reds,” he said while storing his Reds shirts in the closet.

4
Doktor Zymm

And back to Denver, but just for a layover this time! Wheeeee

0
SonOfSpam

That has been my only Denver experience. Thanks to a weather delay, it was about a 5 hour experience.

0
BeefReeferLives

Looking at the other QBs on the roster, I imagine Elite Joe’s mindset is somewhere along the lines of:

comment image

2
scotchnaut

NotShogun reminded me of a band that I saw at least 30 years ago that was fronted by an incredibly dynamic female singer that wore some sort of cotton body suit. Friends, she sweated profusely over the course of her 45 minute set and there were wet patches everywhere. She just didn’t seem to notice.

0
Doktor Zymm

It’s not like she could have done anything about it right? And it was probably more comfortable than sweating in a whole bunch of other outfits

0
scotchnaut

My thinking was that it was her choice to wear it and there were many other outfits she could have worn that wouldn’t magnify sweat stains. I mean, this tour didn’t start in Butt Crack, northern Ontario.

0
litre_cola

Super scenery in Butt Crack, Ontario – BallsofSteelandFury

0
Doktor Zymm

Lol browns

Screenshot_20251001-105540_1
3
scotchnaut

“Making fun of the Browns? I like your style.”

-S. Miller

4
SonOfSpam

“Now let’s get the adults in cages while the children watch!”

-S. Miller, fully engorged to two inches

6
scotchnaut

“I barely saw what you did there.”

-D. Favre

5
SonOfSpam

(like she wouldn’t be grateful for that)

0
Unsurprised

I see the fedex turf of doom making a strong showing at #3

0
blaxabbath

So I guess I am in that Fantasy Football League.

0
litre_cola

Kicked the Shit out of me 2 weeks ago.

0
Wakezilla

Xavien Howard retired today. Now he can pursue his true passion of sending male teenagers sexually explicit nudes of their moms when they aren’t sure of getting an abortion

4
scotchnaut

“He was a complicated individual that always strived to achieve goals that others thought were not effort-worthy.”

-Karoline Leavitt

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[translated from original German]

2
Redshirt

Die Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei distanziert sich von allen Worten und Taten Steven Millers und bittet darum, in Zukunft nicht mehr mit ihm in Verbindung gebracht zu werden.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do you think Dr. Jane Goodall is headed to regular heaven or to monkey heaven?

3
Redshirt

All I know is she can rot in…(puts on glasses)…oh, Jane Goodall? She can rest in peace.

4
scotchnaut

“No matter the Heaven, she’s headed there courtesy of our wonderfully safe chairs! Let’s have a look!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwJA0gvhG4I

0
SonOfSpam

There’s no room for a passing lane. Total stairs bottleneck. FUCKING HURRY UP GRANDMA WHY’D YOU TIE YOUR SCARF BEFOREHAND? PLENTY OF TIME TO TIE IT WHILE YOU’RE ON YOUR NONWORKING ASS GLIDING UP THE STAIRS AND BLOCKING ME JUST DIE ALREADY”

3
BeefReeferLives

Ascension music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHUb-xQMTOI

2
Unsurprised

Shame I’m not going to be there to support our Big Black Richard.

https://www.oregonlive.com/portland/2025/10/emergency-world-naked-bike-ride-planned-in-portland.html

3
Unsurprised

Paywall-free version. Also mostly ad-free (the paper is owned by Republicans):

https://archive.ph/bQtMK

1
Unsurprised

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED

5
Wakezilla

The tank is on!

0
Redshirt

We may be the worst 2-2 team ever.

0
BeefReeferLives

His expression in the pic says it all…

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

120 Minutes Playlist Project Update:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyEHKGDSg5I

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This entire episode is a banger; one of the best ones so far. Check this out:

The Primitives – Secrets
Ian McCulloch – Proud To Fall
Kate Bush – Love And Anger
The Psychedelic Furs – Pretty In Pink
The Original Sins – Why You Love Me So
The Jesus And Mary Chain – Blues From A Gun
Nine Inch Nails – Down In It
Deborah Harry – I Want That Man
The Innocence Mission – Black Sheep Wall
Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus
fIREHOSE – Riddle Of The Eighties
Flesh For Lulu – Time And Space
Soundgarden – Loud Love
The Mighty Lemon Drops – Into The Heart Of Love
New Order – Shell Shock
Camper Van Beethoven – Pictures Of Matchstick Men

1
NotShogunButShogun

I will be seeing Hum in Chicago next May. I found them here 30+ years ago and I’ve never looked back.

1
Bogdanski

Nice! Are they touring? I had a chance to see the Smoking Pope’s a few months ago but stupid family stuff interfered. I’d love to see Hum again

0
Unsurprised

I think I’m going to try Joxster’s in Culver City this weekend, since I’m not driving to CC during rush hour tomorrow. I’m going to try some place on Sunset for that. Unless anyone has better ideas or wants to call me a dumbass f2f

1
119
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x