Woo! That was a humdinger this morning, wasn’t she? (he writes at 8:20am EST) But there’s more where that’s from! Let’s dig in.
To The Games!
Giants/Bears:
Who saw Chicago becoming an offensive juggernaut after the first three weeks of the season? Since then they’re a top five offense and have gone 5-1. It didn’t take much time at all for Ben Johnson to make an impact. The Bears D is a different kind of animal though-they have the knack for both generating turnovers and giving up explosive plays which for the neutral fan makes them interesting. Thank god the Giants upgraded their wr room at the trade deadline. Wait, they stood pat with their thumbs up their ass? Huh. At the very least we’ve got a battle between two zesty young QB’s.
Bills/Fins:
Buffalo has lost a few d-linemen so can they get pressure on Tua? Kidding! It doesn’t matter at all. The Bills offense is going to steamroll a Miami D unit that is primarily composed of green flags, turnstiles and daydreams.
Ravens/Vikes:
I call this game Prince’s Mansion because there’s nothing but purple as far as the eye can see. Baltimore’s D is slowly, ever so slowly turning around and McCarthy looks like he might just be getting comfortable with all the weapons he has on hand. But I think the Ravens have a sense of urgency that their opponent lacks and that will carry the day and the score.
Browns/Jets:
Take the under and back away slowly from this one.
Pats/Bucs:
Game of the Week or Game of the Formerly Weak? These are two teams that are ascending far faster than anyone (outside their fanbases) could have anticipated. The QB play in this game should be the decider and as well as Maye is playing I think Baker is the last-minute difference-maker today.
Saints/Panteros:
Carolina is most likely to be 6-4 when the clock has run out. You heard that right.
Jags/Texans:
Will either of these teams be able to move the ball? Houston’s D is going to make Prison Girlfriend wish he was on parole. But then again, how much do you think Davis Mills is going to accomplish? First team to 150 yards of offense wins.
Do your thing.
Jaxon missing the bulleye three time from close range — looks like me in a Irish pub after the fifth Guinness, swearing I can hit the next one
“This is my sixteenth Guinness!”
”PUSSY!”
Jackson Dart Vader?
THIS GUY JACKSON DART I CALL JART AS HE’S FUN BUT SOMEONE’S GONNA GET HURT
And he’s frequently thrown into the ground.
“This team is DTF, Jim.” – Tony Romo, 2025
Doomed To Fail?
nerds that say “go for it all the time on 4th down!” should be forced to watch giants/bears
Is Tua playing blindfolded? Is he like Jinx from GI Joe who fights better blind?
“Blindfolded? No. He may be dealing with some peripheral vision loss though.”
-Dolphins medical staff
Bears D seems to be gassed. wth?
First cold day, hibernation instincts kicking in
Bearsenschiesse+Giganteschiesse at Soldier Field this afternoon?
Shoulda been the Germany game
Dart is concussed again but the show must go on.
Tagliabue-Great NFL Commissioner or hard-to-find pasta shape?
Should have been Roger Goodell.
DUUUUVAAAALLLLLLL!
Punt return TD by Parker Washington (Can’t Lose)!
DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL
Its a shame Tua won’t really remember that pass by the end of the game.
Tua’s Retirement Speech in 5-10 years from now: “My career is all a blur to me.”
Crowd: (nods understandingly)
Anytime I hear 500 Miles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znJHBAJlmak
14-0 Dolphins over Bills, as we all expected.
…or not. NFL Network lied to me!
Mike McDaniels for Coach of the Year.
that Bills fan commercial smashing babies through tables going to take a darker turn about now
Uh, the Browns returner muffed the kick on the 2 and kneeled it in the endzone. Shouldn’t that be a safety?
Yes. If he had done it against, say, the Bills or the Chiefs it would have been.
#ThePauls!
Either the Browns or the Jets will probably win this game
They could tie.
#ThePauls have given up TWO kick return scores in the first goddamned QUARTER
They have 14 points and the offense hasn’t even been on the field, this might be a winning strategy for the Jest!
Jets Special Teams are earning their name.
Do I get points for that? I really hope I get points for that.
Ah yes, when I think of Chicago and New York, I naturally think of Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog, famous Chicago and New York award winning artists.
Sigh. The vacuuming has begun.
She can practice here
Earbuds, bud.
Does Mike McDaniel have an endorsement deal with a sunglasses company?
I wouldn’t think so, his future does not seem very bright.
preparing for his future working at the last Sunglasses Hut in the mall
His beak dealer, too
Forgot to check my lineup and have a guy out. Hopefully the Taylor crazy game will offset the zero
It would be nice if fantasy’s version of DJ 3000 would auto-bench a player who inactive. That way you can at least scramble and find someone in a later game to play in their stead.
I might actually pay for that
Bitch, please. You are going to crush me!
Field goals should be worth 5 if the kicker is blindfolded
They should factor in the angle of the kick. Inside the hashes = 3 points, but have it increase by one point for each hash mark towards the sidelines. Also, the ball is snapped from the normal position and lateralled or snapped to the kicking point.
The rugby method of having them kick from a spot of the same width as where the touchdown/try was scored would be fun.
[urge to kink shame rises]
MOAR LIEK Jaxson SHART amirite???
I started him this week while Dak! is on a bye.
Guessing I chose…poorly?
At least it will keep his helicopter mother from demanding to speak to your manager, and then accuse you of lying when you tell her that it’s only fantasy football, you are the manager.
No pumps!
$14,491 for 2 pumps. 14491 / 0 = A fine of Infinity Dollars.
What? No pumps?
Man Shitty absolutely destroying Liverpool.
I have a very confused boner right now.
Beer and sandwich time, then dude maybe coming over around halftime of the bears game and we’llprobably switch to whisky
…and that’s why I put money on a Tua INT.
Imaginary team gives new life to Jags drive with stupid penalty on the long snapper.
Let’s see what Prison Girlfriend can do with that.
Edit: just made it easier for Cam Fucking Little to kick the FG.
https://bsky.app/profile/dirtbagqueer.rocks/post/3m57p4xyh2c2l
he cant be allowed anywhere near a headset after this
Worst Time management since Morris Day, if the rumors are true.
[Oh-We-Oh-We-Oh plays in the background]
glad unlike Tua I remembered we’re the dolphins and on 2nd thought took the opportunity to do the 20 mins of yard work
Baker on a bit of a “Fuck You” tour this season, no?
Baker’s got a chip on his shoulder in a good way, not in an Andy Reid, “where did all the Ruffles go?” way.
His whole career has been a “Fuck You” tour.
…and in the 1PM slot of the Bengals Bye Week, a “Pearl Harbor Special”.
I see what you did there, World at War Channel.
Woo! Intermittent Flurries Game in Chicago!
Shoulda been you, Goodell…
https://www.si.com/nfl/former-nfl-commissioner-paul-tagliabue-dies-at-84
The Berlin game killed Paul Tagliabue
Worth it!
Found a funny:
i would not be awed by the geico gecko if i met him or grateful for the money he’s saved me on my car insurance. i would immediately step on him
My cat would absolutely murder him. And it wouldn’t be a quick death.
The Tikki-Deadly cat is the hero we all need!
Gex>>>Geico
Is Scott Hanson muted? I’m just getting crowd noise
There he is!
12 completions in a full game, including Extra Time. Yikes, that is shambolic Penix.
THREE to the Cityzens WOO
The Liverpudlians seem to be ass right now, you hate to see it.
When my buddies abroad bitch about this season, I hit them square with a “fuck you, try being in a relegation battle ya cunts.:
Absolutely no less self-aware group in the entire universe
“It must have been an NFL football game, but it’s over now.”
-Berlin
Pretty disrespectful to the late singer of Roxette.
To be fair, that overplayed song sucks.
I haven’t heard that song in forever.
Still qualifies as overplayed.
I have “The Look” playing on loop in my head now. UGH
jonathan “william tecumseh sherman” taylor
Taylor got GTD 48 fucking points against me in Freezer Vodka. I am sooooo screwed.
I have an injured guy still starting
Fuck them kicks! – Humps sideline (and reasonably)
“composed of green flags, turnstiles and daydreams.”
This is some good stuff right here.
Fantasy football question-
Who is the better Flex play;
TE Mark Andrews or Bucs WR Tez Johnson? 🏈
I’m leaning Tez…
agreed, Tez has upside. Any Ratbird pass catcher risks a zero
🫡
Adam Amin said EXTRA TIME ONE OF US WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reviewing my posts from last night. Here’s a translation: I didn’t want to leave the party, I cam home and watched a Russian movie that was more boring than Joe Flacco’s pre-game meal. I then watched something else. I chugged water, took ibuprofen and went to bed.
How passive aggressive is Mrs. Fozz this morning? And how unhappy is yer terlet?
Luckily she’s sick so no energy to harass me. The toilet is now on the IR for the entire day.
This week will be the Bengals’ most difficult test of the season.