The King is Dead, Long Live The King

Are you willing to take the Oath?

Balls replies

I am willing.

Balls places his hand on the Kama Sutra, and the Archbishop of Pasadena administers the Oath

Will you solemnly promise and swear to govern the Peoples of Door Flies Open, your other Realms and the Territories to any of them belonging or pertaining, according to their respective laws and customs?

Balls replies

I solemnly promise so to do.

The Archbishop says

Will you to your power cause Law and Justice, in Mercy, to be executed in all your judgements?

Balls replies

I will

Balls kneels at the Sex Chair of the Estate Sale. The Archbishop says

Will you to the utmost of your power maintain the Laws of God and the true profession of the Gospel? Will you to the utmost of your power maintain in the United Kingdom the Protestant Reformed Religion established by law? Will you maintain and preserve inviolably the settlement of the Church of England, and the doctrine, worship, discipline, and government thereof, as by law established in England? And will you preserve unto the Bishops and Clergy of England, and to the Churches there committed to their charge, all such rights and privileges as by law do or shall appertain to them or any of them?

Balls replies

Um, I just won the Freezer Vodka League.  Yes, God had a lot to do with me winning the championship game (looks up, winks) but I do not advocate for one particular religion.  So, yes, but it applies to all the major religions.  None of that cult shit.  

Balls places his hand on the Kama Sutra and says

The things which I have here before promised, I will perform and keep. So help me God.

Balls kisses the page on the Kama Sutra where it focuses on the female booty. The Archbishop says

Your Majesty, are you willing to make, subscribe, and declare to the statutory Accession Declaration Oath?

Balls replies

I am willing to subscribe to your newsletter.

Balls places his hand on the Kama Sutra and says

I, Balls, do solemnly and sincerely in the presence of God profess, testify, and declare that I am a sort of faithful Latino, and that I will, according to the true intent of the enactments which secure the succession to the Throne, uphold and maintain the said enactments to the best of my powers according to law.

Balls signs copies of the Oaths, presented by the Lord Peter North, whilst the choir sings

Girl, you look good, won’t you back that ass up. You’s a fine motherfucker, won’t you back that ass up? Call me big daddy when you back that ass up. Ho, who is you playing with? Back that ass up.

Juvenile (c 1998–1999) 400 Degreez

Balls kneels before the Altar and says

God of compassion and mercy whose Son was sent not to be served but to serve, give grace that I may find in thy service perfect freedom and in that freedom knowledge of thy truth. Grant that I may be a blessing to all thy children, of every faith and belief, that together we may discover the ways of bootyness and be led into the paths of peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Balls returns to the Sex Chair of Estate Sale and sits.

***

As your newly-crowned King of the Freezer Vodka League, I shall begin my reign, as so many of my fellow athletes, by thanking God for my victory.

Seriously, did you see how many things had to go wrong for my opponent in order for me to pull out a 6 point victory? Goff, James Cook, and Barkley all had terrible games. I won the championship with Tyler Shough as my starting QB, for fuck’s sake!

Take a look at this lineup and tell me that at the beginning of the season you would have said, “Yeah, that’s a championship team right there!”

If you say anything other than, “Fuck no!” I question how many drugs you are taking.

However, the crown, as heavy as it is, sits on my happy ass head, so I am going to milk this for all I can. I have already signed the following Executive Orders:

• The King is allowed one breakfast ball per round in perpetuity without affecting his score.
• Tax credits for the purchase of anal beads, butt plugs, and vibrators.
• The DFO Clubhouse has been renamed the Balls-DFO Clubhouse.
• A ceasefire is declared in the Tool/Nickelback music wars
• No capital gains tax on the sale of volcanic lairs
• Canada is officially renamed “America’s Hat”
• Mexico is officially renamed “America’s long brown willy that curves downstage left”
• Indulgences are half off through February.
• Girls are free to Go Wild again.
• All California beaches are topless

If you have any suggestions, please go ahead and let me know. I’ll send you my Venmo/Zelle info.

I look forward to serving as your benevolent monarch.

Later, baters!