I was optimistic. The Bridgewater injury bummed me out, but the Bradford trade… It felt like a portent. I looked at the current roster–woof: very similar team to last year’s 3-13 squad. And then the narratives started bouncing inside my head.

TITANS CROWN BRADFORD’S ASS

Oh, you think that’s impossible. Yet those who forget history are doomed to hear trite shit related to past mistakes. Hey, I remember plenty:

• Brian Hoyer comeback record  (2014)
• Johnny Manziel “A- Game” (Week 2, 2015).
• Dolphins interim head coach turns to an AMPED Bill Belichick (Week 6).
• Titans lay down in putrid 10-7 home loss against a Falcons team that somehow got to 6-1 (which was a full-on mirage).

Well, there’s not much shame in losing to AP and the Vikes D. But,

THE TITANS ARE THE SHITTIEST TEAM, IN THE SHITTIEST DIVISION, ABOUT WHICH NO ONE GIVES A SHIT.

This annoys me. Don’t get me wrong: I like unimaginative crap. It’s the repetition of a refrain that does not even consist of a talking point: that irks the hell outta me.

Besides, I wouldn’t say out loud that the AFC South will be a dump for 2016. That would mean that all the young QBs in each team have already reached their full potential, and that Houston and Jacksonville defenses will suck. Here I start to get skeptical–except for the Titans, who after winning the openers in 2014 and 2015, went a combined 3-27. So win or lose Week 1, they need steady and competent leadership. To whom can this team turn?

MULARKEY!,

which sounds like a Max Bialystock production. Yes, Mike Mularkey is the Titans head coach. That scoffing and laughter you hear is likely from Bills and Jaguars fans. You see, Mularkey was their head coach for very brief stints, in which he managed two feats: staining the longstanding winning traditions of Buffalo and Jacksonville, and being the only blip in the Hall of Fame careers of J.P. Losman and Blaine Gabbert.

So knock off the disdain for the HC; those were not good situations. As Falcons O.C., between those two jobs, Mularkey was involved in drafting and developing Matt Ryan. No big woop; Ryan won Offensive ROY in 2008, had four winning seasons and three times went to the playoffs (the last time in 2011, when the Falcons signed TE Tony González and some first round rookie WR in exchange for a bunch of picks). And then Mike went to Jacksonville for a year.

Point is, Mularkey isn’t some idiot who has failed WITH talent. Yeah, his hiring lacks zing, especially when he is one of several

RETREADS IN THE STAFF.

Terry Robiskie (Offensive Coordinator), Russ Grimm (Offensive Line Coach), and Deshea Townsend (Assistant – Secondary): all these former players joined for 2016. While you may say “retread”, I say “Yeah, say that to their face and you’ll get yer ass kicked”—which are good enough coaching chops for me. Already on staff were Dick LeBeau (Defensive Coordinator and Rhythm Guitar), and Mularkey, who went 2-7 last year after Ken Whisenhunt was fired. Getting Marcus Mariota to finish his rookie season with all his original limbs was enough to give Mularkey a three-year head coaching contract. This seemed even stranger because

THE TITANS HIRED A GM WITH NO AUTHORITY TO FIRE MULARKEY, A HEAD COACH THAT WAS YET TO BE HIRED

One of the questions posed to the interviewed general manager candidates was whether they could work with Mularkey—even when he was yet to be hired as head coach. The candidates who said “No” were not hired, which made me wonder if pride, as a deadly sin, is worth it. Ultimately, Jon Robinson, former scout and personnel man for the Pats and Bucs, got the job.

Robinson’s usual attire suggests he is coming from, or leaving to, his side gig painting houses. Underestimate him at your peril; Robinson already got top press for his first draft—both for dealing picks and his selections. The latter include promising talents like Travis Henry (2^ndRound – RB) and Kevin Dodd (2^nd Round – OLB), and projected starters Jack Conklin (1^st Round – RT) and Tajae Sharpe (5^th Round – WR). Conklin, Henry, and Sharpe will be heavily involved in the offense, whose philosophy has been described as [SIGH]

#EXOTICSMASHMOUTH,

definitely NOT referring to knocking someone’s teeth out with a pillowcase full of Fabergé eggs. Research showed that it means mixing inside runs with deceptive plays. The Titans certainly acquired the personnel for it.

Running backs were a big upgrade. Aside from rookie Henry, the Titans got DeMarco Murray on the cheap from the Eagles. Murray is the projected starter: he dominated in the preseason. There were only two holdovers; the first, Antonio Andrews, a practice squad grinder who got regular action last year. He’s not fast, but hits hard and always, always, falls forward. The second is FB Jalston Fowler (2015 – 4^thRound), who only had seven carries last year. I only remember his 11 yard loss ON A TWO-POINT CONVERSION, but I trust he also has useful qualities.

As to the offensive line, the Titans upgraded at center and right tackle. Robinson signed 5^th-year vet Ben Jones, formerly of the Texans, and rookie first-rounder Conklin has already been better than last year’s embarrassing RT platoon. Joining them are holdover LT Taylor Lewan, LG Quinton Spain, and RG Chance Warmack. On the bench are serviceable-but-oft-injured utility C/G Brian Schwenke, and aggressive 6^th-round rookie Sebastian Tretola. All of them, starters and bench players, have the potential or short fuse to average one penalty per game. But zero false starts; those are for wussies.

Tight Ends: elite veteran Delanie Walker and vet Anthony Fasano, with second-year man Philip Supernaw and big dude waiver pickup Jace Amaro. The projected starting WRs are former Dolphin Rishard Matthews (four seasons, 107 catches), and preseason go-to rookie Tajae Sharpe. Receivers left over were Kendall Wright (good), and Harry Douglas (projected punt returner and a dependable run blocker), and the Titans also signed two familiar vets: former Titan Marc Mariani (mostly for returning kicks), and Whoever Is Wearing Andre Johnson’s Jersey.

Actually, the “exotic smashmouth” thing got tied to Tennessee way back in the Combine in February, before any of the new players were on the horizon. Mularkey said his overall philosophy was fitting the scheme to the players, and the term seemed apt. It was originally given to the Steelers 2001-2003 offense Mularkey ran as its O.C. Antwaan Randle El and Kordell Stewart were used in several deception plays but, no offense to Slash, he’s no

MARCUS MARIOTA: FRANCHISE QB.

Last year, the rookie was better than accurate on short throws, especially when hitting receivers in stride. He was also very fast: his 87-yard run last year was 2015’s longest play from scrimmage. But he got beat up, and only played 12 games. So, beefing the OL and getting two stud RBs were the obvious personnel measures. Mariota also gained some 15 pounds  of muscle in the offseason. What I didn’t know was that, this past August, the University of Oregon inaugurated the Marcus Mariota Sports Performance Center. Mariota has yet to visit it—so, yeah: maybe there’s something to his studious and focused rep.

The backup quarterback is Matt Cassel. Whatever; I’d rather have him than three-and-out specialists Charlie Whitehurst and Zach Mettenberger. Yes, the decline is steep. But offensive success, with either, depends on the offensive line and running backs—which is OK because this team has

A SUSPECT DEFENSE.

DE Jurell Casey and LB Brian Orakpo were both solid last year under Dick LeBeau (whom I like A LOT, despite getting burned on Cover Zeros by both Manziel last year AND Tebow in That Wild Card Game). I also like this defensive line (Casey, NT Al Woods and DEs DaQuan Jones or Karl Klug), and can live with the linebackers: Orakpo; 3^rd year vet Avery Williamson; Derrick Morgan (he was still here? Huh); and Wesley Woodyard (because LeBeau hates rookie LBs, like Kevin Dodd). The secondary, however, will get burned—even with healthy starting CBs Perrish Cox and Jason “The Other” McCourty. Their backups are rookie LeShaun Sims (5^th Round – Southern Utah), and journeymen Brice McCain and Antwon Blake. Safeties are vets Rashad Johnson (8^th year – SS) and Da’Norris Searcy [soul leaving body, rewatching GIFs of preseason Titans offensive plays and uncalled holds on Khalil Mack…]

OK, here’s the thing. From Week 2 of last year up to the third preseason game this year, the typical Titans defensive start was either conceding a first drive TD and/or trailing, oh, let’s say 10-0 with 5 minutes to go in the first quarter. This will get unlikelier, despite the fact that

THE 2016 TITANS ARE A REBUILDING TEAM.

On the other hand, they have a coherent team philosophy. Gone from the team were second rounders Justin Hunter (WR, 2013), Bishop Sankey (RB, 2014), and Dorial Green-Beckham (WR, 2015)—traded to the Eagles for reserve OL Dennis Kelly. DGB was done because of sloth; now THAT is a deadly sin that’s just not worth it.

Among other notable prior regime cuts was huge dude OL Jeremiah Poutasi (3^rd Round – 2015). He was terrible; it was like never EVER saw an outside move in college.  Also cut was a Whiz and Mularkey favorite, RB Dexter McCluster. All in all, either the GM and head coach are working together, or someone with final say has a meritocratic bent. Whatever the answer, the Titans look like they are starting to operate as an actual NFL team. (It’s shameful and elating at the same time.) But talent is still lacking, specially on defense.

And we come to the ultimate narrative for 2016:

ARE THE TITANS WATCHABLE?

The schedule says NO FUCKING WAY MAN. All Titans games are slated for the Sundays early games trough, except for the TNF Color Assault against the Jaguars (Week 8) and the Titans bi-annual visit to San Diego (Week 9). But the schedule makers always force feed the NFC East on prime time viewers, so this metric is total bullshit. Let’s evaluate.

The Titans have the offensive personnel to bleed the clock. They can punish defenses with the backs, or Mariota could burn them with his legs AND arm—given his new receivers’ surer hands and route-running. That should keep Ds “honest”. Additionally, the Titans won’t be a turnover machine on either side of the ball; on offense because of the system (fingers crossed), on defense because of a lack of talent (PROVE ME WRONG). By the same token, if there is a shootout, a more balanced team (e.g., what: half the league?), would likely end up on the winning end.

The Titans play the NFC North (away at Detroit and Chicago), the AFC West (away at San Diego and KC), plus the Dolphins (away) and the Browns (at home). Now, I don’t expect the Titans to allow less than 24 points to the Chargers, Colts (at least once), Jaguars (at least once), Packers, and Raiders—so we’re talking about between three and seven losses right there. The best defensive teams they face are Denver, Houston (twice), and Minnesota—and I think Detroit, Jacksonville (maybe twice), and Miami will be fierce, at least against Tennessee. Oh man.

OK, I have one prediction, only one. Here goes: 23 is the magic number. The Titans win games in which opponents score less than 23 points; otherwise, Titans lose. If both teams stay below or surpass 23 points, W/L will ultimately be distributed 50 /50.  It sounds nuts, I know. I’ll tell you at the Week 13 bye.

So then, people of Oregon and NFL fans on whom the Titans are foisted upon by their local affiliates: take heart. You will get a series of non-blowouts that could be a tolerable background while you dick around with your fantasy league(s). Competence: It’s Happening.©

Banner photo via titansonline.com; Mike and wife via wkrn.com; Jon Robinson ia wsmv.com