Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 1, 2016

Yes, football is back and our lives, shitty as they may be, finally feel complete again. Huzzah!

Speaking of life, one wonders why philosophers, authors, and poets devote so much time, effort, and ink to describe the futility and meaningless of life when they could just be all like “Look at the fucking New York Jets, man.” Week 1, and we are already at Peak Jets, with the kicking game the primary culprit. Bungles self-awareness will have to blossom fully some other time.

That said, you will get not one bit of sympathy from a Chargers fan. I mean, shit – the team was already semi-nomadic entering 2016. Against all odds, they go into a divisional rival’s stadium and proceed to whip some ass. Then…their one true offensive superstar blows his knee out on a minimal-contact play, with his team up three scores. I’m thinking “wow, what a pyrrhic victory, if ever there was one, their season is surely over before it has started.” But then it gets worse, they blow a 21-point 2nd half lead (which was 17 points in the 4th quarter) and lose in OT, never getting the ball. The Philip Rivers rampage watch is officially on.

Our early window was perfectly suited for RedZone Channel viewing, especially to the extent it kept us up to date on Raiders/Saints and Packers/Jags. Very good, entertaining games, with different endings for the “chasing” teams. Oakland chased all day, got a 4th down penalty assist, and drew within a point at 47 seconds remaining. But Derek Carr signalled for 2 points, and his coach went with it. Please don’t criticize me for being a results-based commentator – I praised this is real time as the right call. They were on the road and chasing the whole way. Going conservative and accepting a tie score would make no sense, other than to insulate from criticism for deviating from “the book.” Oakland made it, then held on as the Saints narrowly missed on a 61-yard FG.

Jacksonville, on the other hand, faced 4th and 1 on the GB 14, 23 seconds left and no timeouts. Green Bay called time out to set their defense. As I said in real time, the Jaguras needed to go for the kill shot while the Packers didn’t expect it. Meanwhile, the book says, “just get the first down so you stay alive.” And what exactly does that get you? A “clock kill” play takes about 12 seconds. So, assuming you get the first down (which you may not), that play likely takes 5 or 6 seconds, meaning you will have…5 or 6 seconds left to run…one play to the end zone. But while the defense is looking for it, exclusively. Your odds are much, much lower. But Bortles tosses the WR screen, GB is all over it, and the play has no chance in hell to so much as get back to the line of scrimmage.

It’s comforting that, despite the passage of time and massive changes in personnel, some things never change. Ravens/Bills was an absolute abortion.

Tampa Bay has been a trendy pick to snag one of the wild card slots this season, and a divisional road win will do nothing to slow that talk. It was only the fucking Falcons, though. Charles Sims’ TD was damned impressive.

Can the Vikings win without a QB? They can in Nashville. Without the benefit of garbage time, their defense would have outscored the hapless Titans. And that was without any positive contribution by Purple Jeebus, either (yes, my fantasy team fucking noticed).

God help all of you poor fuckers who had to watch (by blackout or longstanding allegiance) Texans/Bears. Expecting nothing out of both of these franchises going forward might be a bridge too far. But the imaginary team does start 1-0.

I wonder if somebody, somewhere made a prop bet that Carson Wentz would score the first TD of the day? Philly also scored a safety off of some glorious Factory work, and the remaining march over the cliff was just classic Cleveland shitshow. Oh, and RG-gluefactory is hurt already. Nobody started Nelson Agholor, and he put up a purty statline that will haunt and tease you the rest of the season.

See this Week One? This is Russell Wilson almost fucking up your Survivor pool! Maybe more game prep, less pre-game choreography next go-round, eh? But ankle boo-boo RW stepped up when he had to on the last drive.

Good Lord, the Humps managed to somehow get worse on defense and the OL. Both units now seem to be completely made of paper mache. You lose your home opener to the Megatron-less Lions, you’re gonna have a bad time. And good on Detroit for showing up and being like “fuck all you assholes, we’re still professional footballers whether the butt of all your jokes or not.”

What would a Giants opener be without a 4th and short/clock management with a lead controversy? But this one was a genuine head scratcher. 1 point lead, 1:12 left, ball on DAL 38. No timeouts. I probably punt too. Bad snap makes him rush the kick, leads to an easy touchback, giving Dak a window of opportunity. On what would end up as the last play of the game, Terrance Williams cuts upfield rather than go out of bounds (clock at :12 when ball snapped, so this was pure idiocy) at the NYG 43. So, instead of a Dan Bailey 61-yard winner, creepy ass McAdoo walks away 1-0 as an NFL head coach.

I must admit that I didn’t pay great attention to the SNF finale. I was mentally drained (in a good, happy way) from the first 6.8 hours, and I just hate New England, in Tawwwwmy Brady or Janine Garaffalo varietal. So I went double oxy and gave little-to-medium fucks, especially once I realized David Johnson was not gonna save Kill V. Maim in Week One. I will try to get more all hype for the MNF double header. After all, we could see a naked and angry Jim Tomsula streak across the field in the late action! At least, that’s how it plays out in my pill-addled head.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Unsurprised

This is a great recap since I ended up missing everything.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My face hurts.
That is all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sep

It’s cool Hippo… SNF was just Cris and Al talking for three hours on the many ways they would sexually pleasure Brady. Brought to you by Facebook.

Facebook, a great tool for creepy booth announcers too!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

I spent about two hours today toying with Hillary Clinton Health Truthers, so I had a nice chuckle when seeing this.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

I had a few moments like that when I was in TV. Fortunately, no one posted them to YouTube.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I heard this is where I go to see good jokes today from tWBS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons

Pictured: Your Great x 10^3,685,218,666 Grandparents

http://freethoughtblogs.com/pharyngula/files/2016/09/stroms.jpg

Unsurprised

Met Strom Thurmond. Can confirm.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I’m listening to the Living Color album “Vivid” in conjunction of a post I’m working on, and it’s really amazing how well the lyrics of “Cult of Personality” fit with Trump and his supporters. Also it’s really amazing how bad the rest of the album is.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I kind of like that album. There are some duds on there, but mostly I think it’s pretty good. Time’s Up is better.

Sill Bimmons

I’d argue that all politics is a Cult Of Personality to some degree.

So many people either can’t or won’t think for themselves so they end up investing a significant part of their well-being in the personality they choose to do their thinking for them.

You can’t tell me that there’s not also a cult of personality surrounding Hillary, or Cruz, or Bernie, or any of the rest of our self-anointed betters. Steve Jobs had a larger and more thought-regimented personality cult than all the 2016 candidates combined.

What you can tell me that the personality Trump has created is the most offensive, dangerous, and to some degree seditious figure in top-level US politics since at least the early 1980s and maybe going all the way back to McCarthy.

Lenny had it right and that song still holds up.

...

This is why I find the criticism “politicians need to be more honest” to be, well, dishonest.

I don’t think people have ever wanted actual honesty from their candidates; they want a story they can latch onto and *feel* good about which is why you can have grossly dishonest candidates who have unflinching supporters. “Dishonest” is just a rationalization for dislike since you can find a point where any leader flipflopping or lying or withholding some truth because it’s the only way to get enough people to embrace the feels you need to get elected to do actual governing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

When your candidate does it: flip-flopping!
When my candidate does it: simply adjusting the policy to fit the new facts.
When your candidate does it: following the whim of the poles no matter what!When my candidate does it: simply doing what the constituency wants.
When your candidate signs a bill it is: communist/Nazi/terrorist loving/pork barrel/ catastrophic!
When my candidate signs a bill it is with the exact same provisions in my state: simply enacting sensible bi-partisan legislation the will help people and bring money to the state.

Mine is right.

Sill Bimmons

IOKIYAR

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Bloody Lethal

“Doktor Zymm
September 12, 2016 at 6:10 am
Unless he blew all his Subway endorsement money, RG3 should just retire. It was painful enough watching two different [*Redacted] s coaches try to murder him on field, and now the Browns are happening to him? The NFL has given him a shit ton of rotten lemons, and replaced all his sugar with salt so he can’t even make shitty lemonade out of em.”

And… He’s going on IR.

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Bloody Lethal
Sill Bimmons
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Even with Del Rio yesterday, it astounds me how risk-averse so many coaches are.

Now, I fully concede there is a reason behind it (your job is as tenuous as anything) but I swear if I were an owner and my coach punted on anything under 4th-and-5 past the 50, I’d need to count to 100 so as to not fire the guy on the spot.

Bloody Lethal

In my time as a fan since I was born in 1988, there was a stretch of Giants games where we were legitimately dominant. It was a strange departure from the usual win by an inch or have your heart broken that is synonymous with the Giants. It was in 2008 following our Super Bowl win against the Patriots. We were in charge out there. Started off 10-1. Sprinkled in some big wins and some comeback victories. If we were up, we stayed up. If we were down, we came back. Then our WR shot himself and we ended 12-4 and lost to the Eagles. It was pretty much the equivalent of bundling your timeouts and losing on a last minute field goal only on a bigger scale.

Bloody Lethal

Also my girlfriend of a couple years dumped me in the middle of the Seattle game that season, which could’ve been a sign.

All that is to say: thank you Terrance Williams for switching the juju if only for a day.

Covalent Blonde

The news this morning basically informed the seven million of us that we are doomed tonight for Niners’ traffic. It just showed a map of the Bay Area that looked like the cholesterol-choked arteries of Colts fans projected for anything after 3:00 p.m. Mind you, I AM AN HOUR AWAY FROM LEVIS! Why am I involved?

/desperately prays for naked Tomsula
//unsure of what deity takes care of that sort of thing

...

Is “Naked Tomsula” anyone’s FF team name, because at least one of you has to use it.

...

Imagine the Coopertone kid getting his pants pulled off by a puppy only switch the kid with Tomsula, the pants with a burlap sack, and the puppy with a goat.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You forgot the piece of extension cord as a belt.

...

No, I didn’t. The goat already ate it.

Spanky Datass
blaxabbath

This is a Monday-specific issue, yes? Because I’m planning my RAIDERS trip and I’m sure as hell not going to miss out on getting stabbed in the Coliseum because I got stabbed in shitty traffic.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Unless you’re planning on tailgating (and already have your parking arranged) just take BART.

blaxabbath

Oh good point. I didn’t think about the BART.

I HOPE I SEE THAT WHOLE AREA IN TRAFFIC GRIDLOCK!

Beerguyrob

When I went to the O.co last December, BART was good going; shitty trying to leave. Plus, the isolation of the stadium from anywhere tolerable/not stabby means people got shitfaced before and during their transit.

The walkway to get in goes smoothly, but leaving gets crowded like the Hajj, but with more weapons.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
...

Also, the Bears have never beaten the Texans and I think it would be funny if they never did.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How can you beat something that doesn’t exist?

...

Your Tao Te Cutler is strong.

montythisseemsstrangetome

How can you beat something that doesn’t exist?

“I do it all the time.”
-Brett Favre

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Like quark particle/
You can beat it to content/
Though microscopic

blaxabbath

My Uber driver last night had just moved from CHI. He was a Bears fan. I inquired his thoughts on Cutler.

He did not rage as much as I would have liked. 2 stars.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cutler got the shit beat out of him; don’t think he’ll last anyway.

http://i638.photobucket.com/albums/uu110/ihatethinking/Gifs/WTF.gif

...

I caught the end of the Clots game while passing through Indy and hooooboy that was some great audio Clots Schadenfreude.

Enrico Pallazzo

It sucks that they missed the kicked and Chuck Pagano was even dumber but Bill Belicuck’s terrible usage of timeouts last night should be a bigger story. Got to love when coaches waste 15-20 seconds and THEN call the TO.

blaxabbath

The 2016 season is over.

Don T

What a start to the season! That banner pic is gold. GOLD I tells ya. Very happy that my fave recap is back.

Ay, the Titans. They’re like the sister the Powerpuff Girls created: some main ingredients are there, but there’s a lot of stuff that’s waaaaay off.
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Shogun Marcus

I have read mmqb…it hurts. My snark was on for 80%, but then it crashed.

Beerguyrob

I couldn’t even this morning. You’re better than I.

laserguru

I watched the better part of 4 games yesterday and I noticed:
KC is still one of the most incredibly boring teams to watch and without Justin Houston their defense isn’t the same.
Chargers are kind of fun to watch and old man Rivers recognizes defensive alignments and adjusts to them as well as anybody in the game.
Titans defense looks frisky, at least in the front 7, their offense is pretty shitty. The designed run is going to kill Marriota.
Vikings defense? Aw shit yeah.
Miami’s defense is sound and Seattle is boring as fuck.
Whoever wins the NFC East can hang up their participation banner and go home because they will get the shit slapped out of them come playoff time.
That Dak kid looks pretty fucking good. “DAK DAK!”

laserguru

A final note on the KC fans: Midway though the third the place was probably 65% empty.
You just KNOW that all of those fairweathered barbecue slathered bastards are going in to work today and telling their coworkers “Didja see that comeback yesterday? I was there baby!”

They deserve to live in Kansas City, hopefully on the Kansas side.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jalen Richard has actually been pretty visible during training camp; he was hurt during preseason so didn’t get too much attention outside of Raiders fanatics. I don’t think he’ll have his own value so much as sap from Latavius Murray’s value, though.

Shogun Marcus

Jax played the odds, in that the pack defense will usually give you exactly what you need. The packers have the annoying tendency of playing equal to the opponent. GM slingblade only buys generic, and Captain BlueBunny wants gourmet (clearly).

The Maestro

If anyone has seen my dignity, let me know. I passed out in my garage last night and judging the way my head feels currently, I may actually be dead.

At least New England won, so it’s not all for naught.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I think I saw it down on 4th Street, wearing a half-halter top and six-inch heels, and asking passing cars if they wanted to party.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

NOW we can say the NFL is back

montythisseemsstrangetome

Andy Reid wonders why everyone is criticizing Terrance Williams.

theeWeeBabySeamus

And you guys wonder why fozz and meself are so fucked in the head. How could we NOT be?

montythisseemsstrangetome

I never wondered.

Oh yeah, the Ravens too.

Doktor Zymm

Unless he blew all his Subway endorsement money, RG3 should just retire. It was painful enough watching two different [*Redacted] s coaches try to murder him on field, and now the Browns are happening to him? The NFL has given him a shit ton of rotten lemons, and replaced all his sugar with salt so he can’t even make shitty lemonade out of em.