ST. MICHAEL CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD — FAIRHOPE, ALABAMA — TWO WEEKS AGO
COACH RIVERS: Alright boys, bring it in! Bring it in!
[Practice ends and groups of boys rush over and encircle their Coach]
RIVERS: Great hustle out there today, boys! Defense, we got some work to do, but I’m really liking what I’m seeing on offense and special teams.
[The team nods and murmurs in agreement]
RIVERS: Now that being said, I’m worried some of you are liking what you are seeing too much in the showers after practice too! And you know I won’t allow that kind of Devilry on my team!
RIVERS: I’ve got my eye on you, BRAYDEN! And you best keep your eyes up on the Lord and off on my son’s SIN HOLE! YOU GOT THAT?!
RIVERS: [Phone ringing] Hold on ya bunch of eunuchs, I gotta take this call.
[CELL PHONE FILES OPEN]
RIVERS: YA BETTER CALL SOMEBODDDDDYYYYYY!!!!
SHANE STEICHEN: Phil? It’s Coach Shane from the Indianapolis Colts. Hey, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t an emergency, but we have a situation over here and we were wondering if you’d consider coming in for a workout as soon as possible?
RIVERS: A workout? At QB?! What happened with Anthony Dickhead and that Italian Eli Manning looking kid?
STEICHEN: They’re both down and the only kid in our corner is a banged-up rook.
RIVERS: And so, what? I’m the last call on your list?
STEICHEN: Actually, you’re my first. And I know you had your differences with management the last time you were here, but things have changed…
RIVERS: I heard the old pillbox finally caught up with that blue haired heathen junkie. [Turns and looks at his team and covers the phone] Alright boys! Looks like Coach Phil is once again chosen by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to lead men on the field of battle! [Uncovers the phone] YA BETTER START SOMEBODDDDYYYYYY!!!!
It has been nearly a decade since I have made it a point to sit down and watch a specific NFL game, but last week’s amazing desperation start by the Colts brought me out of my Spanoi-induced hibernation to cheer on His Holiness, The High Commander, King Laserface as he gets straight up off the couch to nearly secure the victory over Seattle, only to then throw a desperation INT on the last play. I could’ve sworn I’d been transported back to 2008.
Now, a week later, Rivers is back out there again giving it a shot against the 49ers on MNF! The thought of him coming out of retirement to potentially take the Colts to the post season and maybe knock the Spanoi out is certainly not something I had on my bingo card this year, but I will absolutely welcome this faint light in our current darkest timeline.
The 49ers are… 10-4? As someone who has only paid attention to this team when I had Aiyuk on my fantasy team, I had assumed they were having one of those patented down years despite having plenty of talent. Those are fun, but apparently not the case this season. After Rivers managed to a TD and 120 yards on a far superior Seattle defense, I am looking forward to seeing what he can do against these guys. It should be the Johnathan Taylor show again tonight, but I would absolutely love to see them open on play action and see what Rivers has in the tank after a week at practice.
HUH? WHAT? HUH? LET’S GO!
[Banner image via]
Hey, I didn’t watch this game and I’m not sure if I’m pronouncing this right, but what’s a “Riley Leonard”?
Since this thread is probably ready to get usurped, I will post it there as well.
Yinzer sports yak radio says DK Metcalf’s suspension will cost him $500,000 I game pay. That’s already a not-insignificant amount of money.
However, his two-game suspension automatically voids a clause in his contract for $4.5 million in bonuses as well. That’s one expensive “punch.”
Uf
Nightmare fuel from an occasional visitor:
https://bsky.app/profile/oldschoolzero.bsky.social/post/3mamvtqnx5k2g
This somehow clinches a playoff spot for
DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
/congrats, LimeGelatin
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/XWmKU8K7RE0
(unlocks door for the celebratory streaking)
Wild Mac Jones sighting to send the game.
So the fly-by-night (probably literally) package service I used to send some Trader Joe’s stuff to my friends in England is telling me that they won’t ship food items without an obscene amount of documentation (including full ingredients of each item, time and temperature of preparation, pasteurization details of eggs and dairy, etc.). They of course waited until AFTER they had brought my package to Chicago, so at this point they’re basically holding it hostage while offering me the opportunity to pay to have it shipped back, or just abandon it. Should I:
a.) Tell them that they are homemade cookies and provide all the details they are requesting based on a vegan recipe I pull off the internet somewhere.
b.) Tell them the truth about the items (as well as I can, I didn’t keep a fucking inventory), but have Chat GPT make up all the other information they are requesting.
c.) Tell them that they should have requested this information BEFORE they accepted my package for shipment (i.e. when I filled out the paperwork and paid them) and tell my credit card to stop payment on the transaction.
YOU MAKE THE CALL.
A, but make sure the recipe is particularly deranged so you know they didn’t read it
1 human head (average size)
2-4 human toes
6 pints blood
oh, sorry, this is one of scotchy’s recipes
“It’s cum. Mostly human.”
D) Stop payment on the transaction and tell them to do whatever they want with the package.
Sorry it wasn’t clear, that’s C.
Sorry, I didn’t see the part where you told them to stick their dicks in the package.
Tell them these are the ingredients of an apple and see how far thet wanna go: (S,4R,5R)-1,3,4,5,6-pentahydroxyhexan-2-one, (2R,3S,4R,5R)-2,3,4,5,6-pentahydroxyhexanal, Quercetin, Chlorogenic acid, Procyanidins, Malic acid, pectin, Pyridoxine, Folic Acid, Phosphorus, Magnesium, Manganese, Zinc, Iron, Citric acid, Shikimic acid, Catechin, Chlorogenic acid, Caffeoylquinic acid, Procyanidins, Phloridzin, Phloretin, and ethyl acetate
Jacksonville, Buffalo and LA Chargers made the playoffs with this game.
YA BETTA PICK SOOMMEEBOOOOODDDDDYYYYYYYYY
You take the Rivers out of Chargers, but you can’t take the Chargers out of Rivers
Not when Britt Reid test drives a Dodge Charger near the Missouri River.
He doesn’t have a conviction in Kansas!
Yet!
Send Grandpa back to the Retirement Home.
The Niners haven’t punted this month.
The franchise is both a bitch and old enough to be experiencing that form of menopause
The local high school refs who have to deal with King Laserface every Friday night deserve hazard pay.
They’re going to get waved into Heaven like they were in that special lane the TSA has for pasty white people.
Rivers’ face there looked like Jake Paul’s right before Joshua powdered his jaw.
*Chris Paul
Is this the dagger?
oh great another damned Scot
The Internet was made for moments like this.
“Warren had to wait for the pass”
No shit. I’ve waited less time for buses.