THE AMPINKTHEATRE, ROSAKA—Another Marble League come and gone, celebrating the 10th anniversary of an idea to celebrate the 2016 Olympics by having color-coded marbles put into teams and compete against each other, expanding upon the previous Sand Marble Rally franchise. That idea became the MarbleLympics, until the IOC sent a cease-and-desist before 2020 (which also worked out for mid-pandemic advertising reasons, as the 2020 season was famously the John Oliver season).

You know who was totally fine with the name, by the way? The FIA with Marbula 1. I mean to the extent that they teamed up with JMR during the pandemic for Marbula E, complete with Jack Nicholls (the FE commentator) on the call with Greg Woods. So in conclusion, fuck the IOC.

Anyway, let’s go through the teams and how they did! You can watch the qualifiers & Friendly Round (for the auto-qualified), the League Proper (16 events, the all-in-one isn’t up yet), and the Showdown (all 6 events) to catch up.

Balls of Chaos: The BoC did what they do so well… not qualify for the main tournament by finishing last in their qualifying group. Hey, you knew it would be one end or the other, and they’ve qualified the last two seasons! Showdown-bound, they… pitched a pair of goose-eggs in the 6 events. A pair of strong events at the end (6th in Indoor Sand Rally; 4th in RallyCross) got them out of the basement, but the die was already cast. 15th in the Showdown, auto-relegated to the 2027 Marble League Showdown.

Black Jacks: Thanks to a pair of medals in qualifiers, the Black Jacks qualified for the third straight year by finishing 3rd in Group A. A rough start in Balancing (last) kept them in the basement for much of the early part of the season before a bronze in bowling broke them out. A gold in archery got them as high as 12th, and that is where they would ultimately finish. 12th in the Marble League.

Bumblebees: It was a solid season for the Bees, even if not a highly decorated one. Just a bronze in the short-track and a gold in the indoor sand rally. But a solid number of mid-table finishes (seven non-medal double-digit points hauls, which means a total of 9 events finishing 6th or better) gave them a strong showing. If a couple more had been medal-worthy they could have had their 2nd ever overall podium finish, and first outside of their narrow miss-out at home to Red Eye’s god mode ending pipping the hosts by a point, keeping the idea of the Host’s Curse alive, for now. Instead, it’s 6th in the Marble League.

Chocolatiers: ‘Twas not the sweetest season, even if by kinda default they were the strongest Surculo team in the League (as they were the only ones that qualified, rough season… also take what I just said with several dashes of salt as another team can make the argument). The Chocolatiers didn’t have a bad tournament, finishing with 107 points and not having a single last-place finish. They just didn’t have a good tournament, being the last team to medal, with a bronze in the final event. Also that bronze still wasn’t enough for them to finish not-last. They were my picks to host, since I was expecting a Surculo team to have it, and again, only one to qualify this year. I was wrong there, so sorry Chocs, nothing quite worked out this season after winning your group in qualis. 16th in the Marble League.

Crazy Cat’s Eyes: Finishing 2nd in Group B (behind said Chocolatiers), I’d like to say the Cats had momentum. But it was not their year. Just two medals, silvers in Funnel Endurance and the Underwater Race, no golds. Too many bottom-5 finishes (9 events finishing 12th or lower, though none in 16th). 13th in the Marble League.

Gliding Glaciers: Still my favorite chant in the League, since it’s based on “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Except not this year, they didn’t qualify. But a Showdown silver in the sand means they’ll be okay to try again next year! 9th in the Showdown.

Green Ducks: The Green Ducks won Group A of their qualifiers, which in hindsight was a bad decision as that was basically the highlight of the season. Again, it was a late, already eliminated medal that prevented it from being a total travesty, this one a bronze in the sumo, and then Mallard on her last event captain’s carry mode (also see: winning the Ducks’ only gold in the last race of their home Marble League, one of my favorite moments in Marble League history, as we stan Mallard in Apartment Weaselo) to pick up a 4th place and keep the Ducks out of the basement. Can the rest of the team please please help out those siblings next year? 14th in the Marble League.

Hazers: It was another solid season for the Hazers with two golds (in the 5m Relay & the Underwater Race) and two silvers (in the 5m Sprint & Swing Wave). Unfortunately they couldn’t close the show after that last silver in the Swing Wave to keep themselves in podium and auto-qualify contention, ending up 11 points out of it. It’ll have to be the hard way. 4th in the Marble League.

Indigo Stars: On paper, what a performance. You were in an auto-quali position from wire to wire thanks to four medals in the first five events (Balancing silver, short-track gold, then after a shitty relay it was gold in bowling and bronze in the hurdles.) Things slowed down in the midpoint but a bronze in the Swing Wave looked to keep things in control. But it’s how you finish, and Diego finishing last in that first RallyCross run, even if the scoring was convoluted as hell being a very cumulative event, doomed the run from the get-go. Last in the last event shoots the Stars in the foot and a return to Isle Hyu thinking what could have been—it could have been a slightly less dramatic story than last year’s Kobalts (since it had only been a five-year hiatus for the Stars). The good news is it won’t be another five years. 2nd in the Marble League, auto-qualified for the 2027 Marble League!

Jawbreakers: Hey, they’re back! The Jawbreakers returned after the Purple Rockets didn’t. They were automatically in the Showdown and had themselves a stellar performance, three bronze medals and a silver in the six events. No golds and the other two events being 15th and 12th hurt, especially because as a result they missed out on the Showdown podium not by a point but by best single-event finish, but it’s a chance to qualify for real next year. 4th in the Showdown.

Jungle Jumpers: A silver in the Javelin was a great way to redeem after not scoring on it during qualifiers, one of two events the Jumpers finished last in their qualifying group in en route to being Showdown bound. Five of the six events had top-half finishes, and if you’re not going to get a Showdown medal, the least you can do is not get relegated. 5th in the Showdown.

Kobalts: The defending Marble League champions (yeah, I know) definitely made it known… that they were not going to repeat. It was a rough beginning-to-middle of the season for the Kobalts. The ending didn’t quite make up for it, but three medals in a five-event span helped, with a gold in the halfpipe and silvers in archery and the rally. Not enough to get them into the top half, but a representative showing. 11th in the Marble League.

Plus, they still don’t have to worry about next year, as the Kobalts will host the 2027 Marble League and will auto-qualify as the hosts. We’ll see you next year in Zuro! (Zuro is considered the Marblearth equivalent of Fungurume, in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Marblearth is geographically shaped much like ours, if Rosaka didn’t give away the city that it’s based on. We can do an entire geography post, I will gladly take you all down that rabbit hole. I do it with myself all the damn time.)

Limers: After qualifying for the first time in four years in 2025 (and finishing last), the Limers followed it up by… being back on their old shit and not qualifying. Like, come on, Limers, with the Kobalts doing the unthinkable last year it’s between you and the Rojo Rollers on who can be the least of a fuck-up. You qualified more, but they do have that time they finished 5th in 2023. Lock it in. You can start by thinking, “Hey, we got a reprieve because we missed out on auto-relegation thanks to the bronze we got in endurance!” Baby steps. 12th in the Showdown.

Mellow Yellow: Mellow Yellow had their moments. It wasn’t exactly the most memorable tourney for them coming off an auto-quali performance last year, but it is still a top half performance. Two golds in a three-event span in the 5m Sprint and the javelin, plus silver in the short track. You’d think that would get you most tiebreakers in the the mid-table, but strangely enough not this year. For most teams this is a good performance, but for a four-time podium sitter it’s a bit of a down year. Regroup, take stock, figure out what to tinker with for ’27. I’d love to see a Marble League in Amalanta sponsored by the Non-Descript Soda Company, but with 2025 being hosted by the O’rangers it might take some time for another Fruit Circuit team to host, and the Racers might be ahead of you there. 8th in the Marble League.

Midnight Wisps: The new team showed some new blood and new life last year! And then the “4th place curse” hit. Hard. Losing out by a point in the qualifiers for another trip to the Showdown. And then three bottom-two finishes in the Showdown. Growing pains abound for the new Wisps. 14th in the Showdown, auto-relegated to the 2027 Marble League Showdown.

Minty Maniacs: Hey, remember when the Minty Maniacs were pushed as the unofficial co-hosts in 2024 thanks to a sponsorship deal with Mint Mobile, except they didn’t qualify so that made things awkward? Well, they didn’t qualify this year because they were auto-relegated from 2025, so at least they had a solid showing in the Showdown! Two medals in the Showdown including a gold in the indoor sand rally. That made all difference, as thanks to the medal countback, it got them on the podium. It means nothing for qualification, but it’s some hardware. 3rd in the Showdown.

Oceanics: Stop the presses, the Oceanics made the final of an underwater race! They then proceeded to finish 4th. Close but no cigar, but in a different way from last year’s runner-up finish. A lot of top-half and double digit points finishes, but just one solitary silver in bowling. Three 4th places, another three 5th places, a 6th, a lot of close but no cigars, and the bonuses you get for medaling add up. Or in these cases, don’t. 9th in the Marble League.

O’rangers: In a word, pain. In more words, for the first time ever, and in the year right after hosting, the O’rangers did not qualify for the Marble League. In more words than that, they finished a point behind the last qualifying team in their group, the Savage Speeders. Now in fairness, 15th in the hurdles, 16th in the javelin, you have yourselves to blame. Now in the showdown, they did what they had to do to hopefully just get out of there. Nothing amazing, mid-table is fine, but you’ll be back in the qualifiers, unlike some of those other former champions. Plural. We’ll get to more of them later. 6th in the Showdown.

Raspberry Racers: You can laugh at the O’rangers because you’ve still qualified for every Marble League you’ve competed for (since 2018 though, not 2016). A midseason run saw the Racers take the lead thanks to going gold-bronze-gold in the funnels, sprint, and stone toss (bocce). And thanks to medal countback, you avoid the potential 4th place curse! Maybe it’ll still come up Raspberry Racers! 5th in the Marble League.

Rojo Rollers: In a funny story, the auto-relegated Rojo Rollers won the Marble League Friendly Round, this year between the four auto-qualified teams (last year’s top 3 plus the hosts) and the four auto-relegated teams (bottom four in last year’s Showdown, or bottom 3 plus the Jawbreakers). They then proceeded to make sure they would not be in next year’s friendly as an auto-relegated team by being two points above the cut line thanks to a gold in the first event, the 5m Relay. It doesn’t matter that in the remaining five events they got the same exact number of points as that gold netted them (20), it’s enough and that’s all that matters! 11th in the Showdown.

Savage Speeders: The last member of the Perfect Attendance Club (now 11/11) and the first member of the Multi-Time Winners Club. Apart from that, it was absolutely disastrous for the Speeders, who netted just two silvers and a bronze, no golds. This is the second time they’ve gone without a gold, but the difference was in 2018 they still finished 2nd. This year they also won the much-less-prestigious Lead Cube Award, a not-a-real award awarded by the community for racking up back of the pack finishes, thanks to four 16ths and a 15th. Not their best year. 15th in the Marble League.

Shining Swarm: Oof. In a sentence, you got pipped on medal countback to get auto-relegated. But by the Limers. Consistency is nice and all, but consistently meh doesn’t work when you’re in a fight for your lives. Sorry, Shining Swarm. 13th in the Showdown, auto-relegated to the 2027 Marble League Showdown.

Snowballs: For much of this league it seemed to be a two-horse race between the Indigo Stars and Snowballs, with other teams like the Raspberry Racers joining the fray for a race or two. The 1-2 in the rally and sumo put the Snowballs behind the 8-ball though, that opened the door. It had been a solid, consistent league until then from the Hailfern crew, maybe a chance to one-up themselves from two years ago and stand atop the podium. But alas, not to be. Snowstorm had a solid showing in the RallyCross to finish 6th but the damage was done. But, for the second time, it’s a podium, thanks to 5 total medals (1 gold, 2 silvers, 2 bronzes). 3rd in the Marble League, auto-qualified for the 2027 Marble League!

Solar Flares: This was their coming-out party. For some years of being ridiculed of “why do they even exist”? This was why. One of the rare occasions for a team to get the first and last gold of the games. Radiance finished 2nd in the Most Valuable Marble standings. 2 golds, a silver, and a bronze, the bronze actually giving them a countback tiebreaker. We didn’t recognize your game, Solar Flares. We see you now. Now for the next step next year. Do it again. 7th in the Marble League.

Team Galactic: Gone this year is the nickname of Galac-fifth. Because they were in the Showdown—waiiiiit, that’s not how that was supposed to go! But the qualis weren’t great (obviously), and then you’re in the Showdown, that’s how it works. Fortunately a silver in the first event set the tone, or at least enough of it to not finish 5th in the Showdown but… 7th. Well, it’s good enough. 7th in the Showdown.

Team Momo: I already made a Reddit post on the UrinatingTree subreddit about my primary team. You can’t possibly fall off any worse than this. Champions in 2024, two years later, not just auto-relegated, but wooden fucking spoon. I’m actually surprised that the Swing Wave did not constitute half their points, but only 12/27. They would have needed it to be silver, but that would have required getting a silver medal. Which still would not have been enough. It’s so Momover. 16th in the Showdown, auto-relegated to the 2027 Marble League Showdown.

Team Plasma: Well, one of the Team teams qualified at least. And their highlight of the tournament? Beating the Pinkies at their own game in the sumo final. Also a bronze in the stone toss. That was it in terms of medals. It’s a mid-table finish, it’s something. 10th in the Marble League.

Team Primary: It wouldn’t be this Team team, they were auto-relegated from last year. And they didn’t fuck around and win the Friendly Round! (They fucked around and finished last.) But they didn’t get auto-relegated a second time, because we already covered those four teams, so process of elimination! Thanks to back-to-back double digits in the last two events, they’re fine. 10th in the Showdown.

Thunderbolts: At some point the Thunderbolts will be back in the Marble League. And win a gold medal. Right? It was not this year, this was the third year in a row of not qualifying. 2018 and counting. No, a gold in the Showdown Swing Wave does not count. Were you on a podium for it? No? Then it doesn’t count. Were you on a final podium for the Showdown? Also no? So it doesn’t count. You didn’t get relegated. There is no podium for that. 8th in the Showdown.

Turtle Sliders: For the second year in a row, the Turtle Sliders finished 2nd! In the Showdown. That does kinda take some of the fun out of it. So that’s two runner-up finishes in the Showdown and zero appearances in the League since the team’s inception in 2019, a perfect 0/7 in qualifying, the only team to have never qualified. Listen, not every team can be the Savage Speeders, but the Sliders need to get their flippers into the big pond. Big turtle in a small pond is nice and you get medals for it which is great, but the marble world waits. 2nd in the Showdown.

Wolfpack: Remember what I said a couple thousand words ago about the Chocolatiers being the best Surculo team by default? Well, would you rather be last in the League or winners of the Showdown? Thanks to a pair of gold medals in the funnels and RallyCross, the Wolfpack were 6 points clear of the Sliders to claim their first international trophy to bring back home to Furbank and Ancarnage. The Wolfpack are your 2026 Marble League Showdown winners!

So, that’s everyone, except the hosts. Let’s check on them:

Pinkies: It was a slow start for the Pinkies after finishing 15th in Balancing. It took until the second quarter to get things rolling with a win for Pinky Toe in the hurdles and a bronze for Pinky Rosa in the funnels. Another bronze in the halfpipe gave a representative three medals as through the Underwater Race the hosts were in a strong (by host standards) 6th place.

But often times, it’s not how you start but how you finish. Like going bronze-silver-silver in the final three events while the contenders around you stumble—the Snowballs and Hazers going 15-16 in the sand rally, the Stars faltering in the RallyCross. Pinky Toe putting up a MVM performance. It isn’t 2022, more than doubling the career medal count en route to the previously unthinkable, but maybe, something even more remarkable: The Host’s Curse is dead. A citywide party in Rosaka, fans storming the walls of the Ampinktheatre to join their hometown heroes. A team joins the Savage Speeders as the only two teams to win the Marble League twice, and not their eternal rivals the O’rangers, or the stalwart Mellow Yellow, or the other team that’s been perfect attendance since they got in, the Raspberry Racers. For the second time, the Pinkies are 2026 Marble League champions!

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Okay, back to human sports. Who’s playing in the Mundial tonight?

In progress if the scheduling works right/things get pushed out on time (fingers crossed):
Group C:
Doin’ it without the Fez on (Morocco) vs. The hardest going unis IF FIFA WEREN’T SUCH STICKS IN THE MUD (Haiti) (6:00 @ Legally Not Megatron’s Butthole, FS1)

All Things Scottish (Scotland) vs. Ballsy’s other favorite team for obvious reasons (Brazil) (Same time @ Legally Not Hard Rock, FOX)

If Brazil OR Morocco win, they win the group. If they both win/draw, better GD wins group (currently Brazil by 2). If Morocco wins by exactly 2 more than Brazil, then I think it goes to total goals (currently 4-2 BRA)? Scotland would need a win (over Brazil!) and a Morocco draw to win the group.

Soon to happen, etc.
Group A:
Battle of the Souths, but not the Bests: Africa vs. Korea (9:00 in Guadelajara, FS1)

A fancy youth orchestra concert: Dvorak 9 and Márquez Danzón No. 2 (Czechia vs. México, 9:00 @ legalmente non Azteca, Fox)

Mexico has won the group as they have head-to-head over South Korea. South Korea needs a draw to finish 2nd. If Czechia & South Africa both win then better GD would take 2nd (currently Czechia by 1), then total goals (2-1 CZE).

Well, I think I hit word count, so have at it!