Returning From A Frightful Lesser and Greater Footy Weekend

Let’s DO BETTER, shall we?

Things kick off bright and early Saturday (7:30, NBCSN), with 3rd position Spurs hosting surprisingly pesky West Brom. The Albion (least imposing mascot EVAR ,, amirite??) sit in 8th, only 1 point behind Everton. Hopefully, the unbeaten form at White Hart Lane continues, because SPOILER ALERT, I don’t like our chances to add 3 to the Toffees’ tally.

There are a bevy of 10:00 fixtures…but they’re all shite. Arsenal/Swans is the featured NBCSN match, with West Ham and Palace on CNBC. Christ on a cracker. I’d almost rather watch NFL preview pablum. ALMOST. Good luck randomly finding something on Extra Time, the quality after the top 8 is pretty awful with Soton off track.

Last year’s champions host this year’s champions in a nice “passing of the torch” moment on big NBC at 12:30. Leicester are missing players for the African Euros, so expect Chelsea to effortlessly kick their teeth in again.

Sunday Funday is an all-Northwest Double, with perhaps some quality and bite to it. Everton host Man City first, possibly featuring prodigal son John Stones (8:30, NBCSN). City have been on tilt of late, but nothing to cure what ails ya like Everton Football Club, I’m sure.

On a much better run of form, their cross-town rivals, who would look to possibly leap back into the Top 4 with a win over the 2nd position Unspeakable Redshite. This could be a quite enjoyable match to watch, if you could get past the fact that it’s basically Lesser Footy’s version of Dook/U*NC. Just die in a fire already.

See everyone later in the evening for your curse-conjuring and lamentations.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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JustStopDude

And the Russians even put out cheesy, crappy Super Hero movies now!!!!

“Zaschitniki” or “Guardians” in Capitalist Dog Speak is due out in the Winter of 2017.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsQVdrillxA

How can anyone NOT love a Manbear with a chain gun?!?!

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scotchnaut

game thread is finally up-despite my better judgement, I blame myself.

JustStopDude

Russian Film option…

Leviathan is a 2014 film inspired by the American Marvin Heemyer who was the welder who launched the fated Killdozer attack on his home town.

http://i.imgur.com/zqhmrCE.gif

Amazing cinematography and pacing…this is NOT an action film at all.

https://youtu.be/jpawdA34HNk

Its about corruption and the destruction of a family by corrupt officials and the desires of the local community.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Night Watch was amazing based on the subtitle effects alone.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Yes, because Los Angeles is such a popular football market! Nice to see it’ll be just like the 90s where they have two teams no one gives a shit about!

Oooooh Vegas too? Wow, can’t wait until no one cares there either! Any owner banking on a new stadium to save them is a rube.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Soundtrack for today’s chores: https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2016/08/15/dfo-radio-hi-fi-sci-fi/

Just four more weeks until Request Line is back!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I remember my trip to England.

“Buddy wha’ th’ fuck are ya’ doin?”
“Bumming a fag, duh!”
“No yer shagging a poof!”

So many strange terms over there.

herodotus450

You got any spotted dick in your fanny?

JustStopDude

Dear god I detest doing jobs in England just because the regional accents are insane.

Its like 30 different languages in the five countries that make up that country…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“…and I figured, hell, I’m stuck with the subscription, might as well make the best of it…”

– Aaron Rodgers, showing off a magic trick he recently learned.

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ThePirateSloth

Quick question: How do y’all feel about The Man in The High Castle? We’ve made it thru 3 episodes, I’m kind of intrigued, but I don’t really know where the story is going. I’m totally fascinated at the extrapolation of Nazi and Imperialistic Japan society and values and it’s combination with 1950s American society though.

JustStopDude

I loved the original book. I think I made it like halfway through the first episode.

I fully admit, I have an incredibly short attention span and struggle to follow any tv show.

...

The series deviates too much from the book (especially the second season) from my tastes. That isn’t to say I don’t think it’s bad, just that I prefer the book’s themes a bit more. The series is much more of a suspense thriller than challenging sci-fi.

I watched both seasons, but I never felt compelled to binge it. It’s just not that intriguing for my tastes.

Unsurprised

I gave up after the second episode.

...

God. Armageddon is such a dumb, over-the-top movie but I enjoy it so much.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What’s sad is that there are fundies out there who *do* think he’s virtually the antichrist, but voted for him anyway on the off-chance he’ll outlaw abortion.

Big Black Richard

Which would be ironic as hell considering how many abortions he has probably caused and paid for over the years.

...

The Right’s ability to selectively compromise its principles is both hilarious and frightening.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Unless the matchup is Atlanta-Houston, having a giant meteor striking the earth during the Super Bowl this year is basically Rikki-Tikki-Deadly’s NFL Fantasy #19.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“There’s not much worse than getting caught stroking on TV.”

– Jamal Anderson’s lawyer, reviewing security camera footage with his client.

...

We can name the meteor after Trump!

Horatio Cornblower

I haven’t watched Baskets yet but fully intend to start. Heard too many good things.

...

One of my favorite parts of American movies is the their ridiculously cartoonish portrayal of Russians. I can only hope Russian movies do the same thing for Americans.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Korean TV does, sort of.

JustStopDude

You ever want to get depressed about the quality of American cinema, just look at the films that come out of Russia.

...

Now my interest is piqued.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a Turkish movie featuring Billy Zane from 2006. “Valley of the Wolves: Iraq”. I remember reading about it and seeing the trailer and the Americans are just over-the-top evil. It’s pretty funny actually.

Also Billy Zane is an awful actor, but that’s a more general statement.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nailed it! I was trying to remember what that was. The trailer was hilarious.

Horatio Cornblower

I had to look up Billy Zane’s imdb profile to find it.

I think I’d rather have German schiesse porn in my search history.

OK, OK. I think I’d rather have MORE German schiesse porn in my search history.

JustStopDude

Okay…Trumps proposal here for the Department of Education…I’m not going to lie…kind of intrigues me…

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvO4NuUBsFI&w=560&h=315%5D

Big Black Richard

I know someone else mentioned Gil Scott-Heron a few days ago. To the extent that he is known nationwide, he’s known for only one song. And that’s a damn shame.

The man was a national treasure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3hCQcrfg28

WCS

First round of laundry: check
Change cat litter and clean box: check
Second load of laundry: underway
Cookies: pending
Beer run: check (IC Light case and Breckenridge Brewing 24-bottle sampler)
Wife and baby: napping

I should be celebrating a jorb well done before the playoffs and WVU hoops, but, my in-laws have decided to crash for the long weekend. This means I have to wear pants. In my own home.

Horatio Cornblower

Iron City Light?

Man, send me your address and I’ll have something else delivered.

Wakezilla

Nothing worse than visitors ruining life and making you wear clothes/pants

Unsurprised

Well, shit. I guess I need to go outside, too.

JustStopDude

Interesting situation for the evening. I’ve been asked by two coworkers to go to a Monster Truck Rally. I cannot imagine something I would normally want to do less…except its not my fellow office workers but two of my Polish coworkers I work in the field with.

I honestly think I have to go just to see what its going to be like trying to drunkenly explain in bad English/Polish to two drunk Polish guys how the scoring works.

Unsurprised

The person who scores with the fewest degrees of consanguinity wins. It’s like golf for rednecks.

Wakezilla

There’s scoring? I thought it was fake like pro wrestling and they picked a winner based on who was popular. Which is why Bigfoot and GRAVE DIGGERR always seemed to win in the 90s.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I put on NFL Network for background noise as I did some kitchen chores. I literally lasted eight seconds before I turned it off.

Big Black Richard

That’s still longer than I would last with Sofia Vergara.

laserguru

Sun is finally out and it’s warmed up to 60.

I’m gonna get a 10k in before the games start.

Then I’m gonna eat barbecue and drink all of the beers.

It’s a yin yang kind of thing.

...

Oh man. Armageddon is on right now. And I donnnnn’t want to misss a thiinnngggggg…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That should be Josh Lambo’s theme song.

litre_cola

Only movie I ever walked out on!

JustStopDude

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Big Black Richard

Ok, the Netherlands has finally gone too far.

...

I’m about 99.99% sure that’s from Burning Man.

And if you partake, you’ll certainly be burning yourself.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

...

Oh now that’s good.

herodotus450

But they’re not even Americans, they’re Russ-oooooooooooooooooooohhhhh

Fronkenshteen

I cooked fried eggs and bacon for the family. I have loaded and run the dishwasher. I’ve run and folded 2 loads of laundry with 2 more in the on-deck circle. I have committed to a pre-4:30 grocery trip. I am EARNING my football. Yeah, I’m drinking a beer. What of it?!?!
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, you’ve done so many chores that I feel like I deserve a beer just for reading about them.

[opens beer]

Wakezilla

Teaching a Provincials 12 prep class. All things considered, it was an easy gig. The students write an essay and I can log onto here. As stupid as the Provincials were, I’m now going to miss them.

ballsofsteelandfury

“Provincials 12”

Qué es eso?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Sandusky’s upper bound

litre_cola

We don’t habla up here, we parles.

Wakezilla

Its like an SAT, but for Grade 12 students

JustStopDude

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JustStopDude

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Shogun Marcus

I’d like to know the “debate” that goes into this. …actually, no I wouldn’t. Other than for putting those opposed on a registry for euthanasia.

JustStopDude

I like how the new law only outlaws sex with animals that are pets, but makes no decision on sex with animals NOT pets.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s the ownership principle. That, of course, changes EVERYTHING!

Big Black Richard

Even if it did address all animals, would it only address situations where people force themselves on animals? Or would Revenant situations be illegal too?

laserguru

But what if the pet really really wanted it?

Big Black Richard

My cat is a saucy minx. She’s been flirting with me. I defy you to prove otherwise.

Shogun Marcus

Note to self: cancel Zoos of Kentucky trip.

...

Gotta keep BIG GUBMIT from going too far.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Btw, if any of you are coming to DC for the women’s march, the road closures are bananas. I’m heading out of town Thursday but am happy to give advice to anyone that needs it. If any of you are coming to DC to celebrate Trump’s inauguration, you can go fuck yourselves.

JustStopDude

Y’all seem to be techno wiz’s…at least you young bucks…

Any collective thoughts on the new Nintendo thing…

http://blogs-images.forbes.com/erikkain/files/2016/12/NintendoSwitch_hardware.0.0.jpg

I saw the promo for it. It looks interesting…though the one game they were showing, Skyrim…that came out like years ago right?

Last game machine I owned was an Xbox. I am still pretty bitter with Nintendo over trading in my SuperNES as a kid, with all the games, to score an N64…and it took like five years for decent games to come out at a regular kick.

herodotus450

But if you buy the Switch, you can buy back all those snes games you lost on the virtual console, for a significant fraction of the price!

JustStopDude

I ended up getting my parents a wii. My dad was coming off of serious neck surgery and wasn’t doing well with the rehab. On a lark, I got them one.

He only has a couple of games, but it definitely helped getting him out of the chair so to speak. The fucker is unreal at the wii sports game.

The portable aspect sounds pretty sweet for someone like me that does shitloads of airline travel. I would love to be able to play like the same game on the console as when I am on a plane, even with a decline in graphical performance.

I heard that it won’t have Nintendo’s notorious regional thing involving games which is nice.

And its like $300 which seems pretty reasonable, though the memory on the thing is laughably low.

herodotus450

Hmm I didn’t know it was going to be that portable, though i did hear about clearance sales for DS games. Also heard that there’s gonna be about 1 game at launch for the switch, and nothing for a few months.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Yeah, a system without enough memory is like banana pudding traffic light.”

– Trent Green

Shogun Marcus

Nintendo still thinks they are relevant and can drive innovation. But 90% of the actual games are for kids or rehashes/rereleases of former glory. They haven’t had a “must have” anything since the SNES.
/alright goldeneye, but that was it.

JustStopDude

I don’t know…I mean some of the N64 games, like Mario and Link shit were fucking tight games.

You didn’t necessarily got so many utter shit games N64 like the playstation. The annoying thing just was that the game library was so damn small.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Woo, back on the ground and online. Fuck you, Frontier Airlines. You can eat the whole bowl of dicks.

JustStopDude

Any time someone tries to argue that the US is universally the greatest country on the planet, I naturally assume they have never traveled overseas on a non-US carrier.

I’ve had better experience, abet not many, with some 3rd world carriers than the US.

Big Black Richard

I’ve been on a couple of bus rides in the 3rd world where I got better service than a couple of my flights on American and United.

Shogun Marcus

Prior to the nfl moving kc/pitt, my tv shows nbc with the premiere of celebrity apprentice from 6-8. Also from 6-8, the finale of Sherlock on pbs. I give you a look into merica.

WCS

http://deadspin.com/report-oakland-raiders-to-file-relocation-papers-for-m-1791206853

I guess the Niners will move to Wichita next year, and the circle will be complete.

litre_cola

MAYBE!

JustStopDude
Fronkenshteen

West Ham woo!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That’s my favorite team!”

– Dak Prescott

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Kissimmee” sounds like something Joe Namath would slur upon running into Cassidy Hubbarth at a bar.

JustStopDude
Horatio Cornblower

Allow me to threadjack for a few moments:

Last night, thanks to a friend’s wife’s extremely generous Christmas gift to him in which she paid for he and three friends to go, (at $80 a clip), I went to see John Cleese at the Bushnell in Hartford. Before Cleese came on stage and took questions there was a screening of ‘Monty Python & The Holy Grail’. Everyone enjoys the movie and there’s a fair amount of conversation during the film because there’s literally no one there who can’t recite the movie by heart. There’s one group behind us that’s perhaps a little too loud but again, we’re not really here to pick up plot points we didn’t see the first 284 times we watched the film.

So then Cleese comes out and a moderator, (whom Cleese seemed to have met right when they both came on stage), lead him into various conversations and then read some questions submitted by the audience.

Cleese who is 77 and looks every bit of it, gave long, meandering answers that frequently had nothing to do with the actual question but were often extremely funny, was asked a few political questions and during his answers he indicated that he thinks Trump is a moron and that if he had one person he could behead it would be Ann Coulter, who he described as a female asshole.

Hey, remember that loud group from the movie?

Well one of ’em, a guy naturally, was a Trump voter. He started grumbling with the Ann Coulter remark and more muttering ensued as Cleese made more anti-Trump remarks. Curiously our little Trumpista was silent when Cleese went off on the EU.

Cleese’s last remarks were again insulting to Trump, (although let’s face it, probably accurate), and the guy starts saying what bullshit this is and Cleese sucks and he’s leaving. Which he does. The other people in his group stay and to their credit were mostly trying to get him to shut the fuck up.

Cleese finishes, standing ovation, guy comes back from the lobby, starts chanting “Trump! Trump! Trump!” by himSELF, not eve with any help from his group. Several people, (including maybe me) tell him to shut up but there’s no real heat because he’s just yelling, he’s outnumbered about 2,000-1 and, (and this is the part that still makes me giggle), Cleese already has his money!

Remember, these were $79.50 tickets. He and his friends paid $320 to be there. Cleese’s politics are no secret, nor is his sense of humor or willingness to say relatively nasty jokes about people he doesn’t like. So this fucking idiot paid $80 to get pissed off because the old actor/comedian doesn’t like his candidate. And the rest of us are the snowflakes.

I leave you with this, very much abridged, story Cleese told. He and the rest of Python are in Germany for some appearance. Their hosts take them to Dachau for reasons no one understood. They get there but can’t get in because Dachau is closing early and not taking any more visitors. Graham Chapman yells from the back “Tell them we’re Jews.” Cleese said he never laughed so hard at anything so awful.

Unsurprised

Wow. I didn’t realize there was something worse than having to endure being dragged to visit a death camp. Now I do: being dragged all the way out there only to be told you can’t go inside.

I don’t even know what word describes that. Kafkaesque doesn’t seem right. Ironic isn’t apt.

Fuck.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh shit! I forgot to open the death camps.”

– Obama, slapping his forehead

JustStopDude

In Kentucky, I shit you not, people are just realizing that when they voted in politicians that ran on “right to work” and eliminating the state minimum wage…that their wages were going to go immediately down.

We’ve already had two customers contact us because of plant sabotage by pissed off workers that fucking voted for these stupid policies.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good. Fuck those stupid hicks. I hope they choke to death on coal fumes. I’m going to have to make an effort to do so, because it’s not in my nature, but I intend to wring every ounce of joy I can out of every bit of misfortune suffered by Trump’s constituency.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s taking me no effort at all. I hope they lose their fat feet to diabetes too after the ACA gets canceled and they lose their insurance.

Big Black Richard

It’s my intention to track down every Black person who voted for Trump and take away their voting rights before their state government gets around to taking them away.

I haven’t figured out how yet. I may have to frame all of them for a felony. Given that they’re Black it shouldn’t be too hard.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Framing them sounds like an awful lot of work. Here, try this.”

– Jeff Sessions, putting a pen to new DOJ guidelines on how to prosecute violations of the new federal “driving while black” statute.

Wakezilla

Yeah, but it sucks for those who didn’t vote for Trump.

Maybe unions might make a comeback in America

Unsurprised

Seconding RTD.

Good. Fuck ’em.

Unsurprised

I want to be in the room the first time Trump has to talk to the next of kin of someone who died following his orders.

Fronkenshteen

“I prefer servicemen who don’t get killed..”

JustStopDude

Presidents never do that.

Horatio Cornblower

Well it’ll be you and the family because Trump doesn’t have the guts to do that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That would be pretty amazing. Seeing the man attempt to express “sympathy” would be like seeing a clownfish attempt to solve an algebra problem.

Wakezilla

“He was fired”

Fronkenshteen

To the fans and viewers of the West Ham/Crystal Palace tilt: Do not go to Kissimmee, FL. It is not “The Middle Of The Magic”.

Unsurprised

Magic = Creeping, wet death

Fronkenshteen

And gators! Come sharpen your moat skills!

Don T

I’m at a car dealer. After 120k miles, (5 yrs.), it’s time to abandon Soulcrusher.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m sorry to hear that you’re going to a dealer that works out of a stupid fancy car and are abandoning your familiar streetcorner dealer Todd Marinovich.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A healthy FUCK YOU to Frontier Airlines for assigning a bunch of people middle seats in the back of this plane when there are entire rows open. Somehow I’m the only one that moved from a middle to an open row aisle, so good job, sheeple.

herodotus450

Are they the ones who charge you for boarding passes and carry on bags>?

Unsurprised

Yes

blaxabbath

We need some Chinese DFO-ers. First because we’re so awesomely anti-establishment that I think we could spark the Egg Roll Spring. But second, and more importantly, I think the Chinese need to know how evil the NFL is so that when Goodell starts sending them 49ers/Chargers on opening day, they know to hate everyone involved (except Rivers — he’s a good man who just got stuck in bad situation that really isn’t that terrible but could be better).

BrettFavresColonoscopy

HUH? WHAT!? FUCK YOU, COCKWALLET!

blaxabbath

Like, mainland China. Like, get through the great firewall.

Wait — do we actually have people in like Beijing?

herodotus450

Only in spirit: all of the devices we use to access and run DFO are made in China (probably)

blaxabbath

I like to imagine Hippo has the old muscle car equivalent of a cell phone — all metal, heavy and bulky, goes like 12 minutes before needing to be recharged…

herodotus450

NSA can’t even hack me bro
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Unsurprised

He got a good repo deal on it from the previous owner.

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Unsurprised

Dude. Spring Roll is right there (since names go surname/family name first, I’m going to pretend this applies here).

Unsurprised

Roger Goodell Is A National Disgrace

In China, Roger Goodell Is An Enemy of the People

Unsurprised

Come to think of it, he’s an enemy of the people here, too

Wakezilla

Wouldn’t they hate Phirrip Livels because he has 100 kids, or would they love him because of that?

JustStopDude

I woke up this morning in a fog of mucus.

I swear to god if my coworker gave me bronchitis, I will be pissed…well more than usual.

blaxabbath

Wife seems to want to do paleo (we’re about four years behind trends, I guess.) so I’m trying to get back into drinking tea b/c no dairy on this diet and I like a little coffee with my cream (HAHAHAHAHA!).

I like good tea. I hate not good tea.

herodotus450

Pretty good tea, 8/10
http://www.rishi-tea.com/

Unsurprised

Kill him

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m so out of it that I just tried to walk up a down escalator.

theeWeeBabySeamus

How far did you get?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Two steps

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also known as “the number of additional steps LeBron is allowed before traveling is called”.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

In my defense, the up was out of order, and they had the one on the right switched to down. But still, I’m an idiot.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Too fucking early (MT) for this shit.

blaxabbath

Don’t watch soccer. When does Celtic play Rangers?

But mainly I’m just here to praise your main image. Bravo.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice banner image….you’ve had that one in the chamber for a while, haven’t you?
Just like Hooligans, always starting trouble.
But at least those two look better than most while doing it.