Balls on ASSignment: Thursday Night Football Review Week One

So, that was a game last night, wasn’t it? Contrary to popular opinion, that was a real football game that counted in the standings and not just another pre-season game that season-ticket holders were forced to pay full price for.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the first Live Blog of the year, you witnessed over 1090 comments and a new banner quote that perfectly encapsulates Green Bay’s 10-3 victory over the Chicago Bears.

Here are your highlights in case you missed the game:

During the game, attentions…wander. And we get into some interesting topics. At one point, I announced I was going to Pornhub to… well, you know. And this spawned a great idea from King Hippo in which you, our loyal readers, would submit Pornhub search terms for me to look up and we had some excellent suggestions.

So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, I will begin a weekly Thursday Night Football game recap and Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “Vintage Turkish”

Requestor: Brick Meathook

Results: 1182

Report: I was pleasantly surprised that the initial results were not particularly disgusting. In fact, the very first video, titled “Turkish Perfect Girls” featured two very hot and shapely Turkish blondes doing fun stuff with each other. The third result put the “Vintage” in “Vintage Turkish” as the video titled “Retro Turkish Porn” featured a Turkish dude with a frosted tip afro, heavy mustache-like eyebrows, and the vacant look of a dude with a giant penis and no blood going to his brain.

Score: This search term was Top Notch! What about a Fresca?

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Search Term: Dustpan and brush

Requestor: Viva La Tabula Raza

Results: 1263

Report: Somewhat predictably and pretty disturbingly, the bulk of the results involved ladies using the back end of a hair brush for something other than it’s normal intended use. To paraphrase Dave Attell, who knew you needed a hair brush in the bath? Alas, no dustpans were found in the first seven pages…

Score: The severe lack of dustpans renders this search term less effective: B-

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Search Term: “Smokey bear”

Requestor: ArmedandHammered

Results: 1296

Report: I was expecting to see a bunch of fat dudes. However, the first result was an old grandma smoking a cigarette. In fact, the bulk of the first page consisted of women in various states of undress smoking either a cigarette or a cigar. This is apparently a big fetish and I’m apparently a very innocent Mexican as I did not know this was a thing. ColoUr me surprised.

Score: Incomplete. I did not dare go past the first page of results. Some things you can’t unsee.

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Search Term: “Gaping Hole”

Requestor: Spur

Results: 1388

Report: This was the most popular search term yet, which tells us a lot about this world we live in. As you can probably guess, this search term produced videos which featured various holes which were opened wide or, as the kids call it nowadays, “gaped”. Thankfully, I did not see anything approaching Goatse level, but I’m sure there is probably a video like that somewhere on the 28th page of results. I did not dare go that far. Call me a traditionalist, but I like my anal sex tight, not wide open like any receiver facing the Bears secondary.

Score: 3 points. Just like the Bears.

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Finally, we had:

Search Term: “ballsack full of coins”

Requestor: BFC

Results: 1179

Report: Interestingly, the videos that came up on the search were mostly about blowjobs and paying special attention to the guy’s nutsack. I was very pleasantly surprised that there was an actual video that featured coins! I was definitely not expecting that. My favourite title was “Ballsack Inspector” with “Stuffing coins into my tight little asshole, but oh no! They get stuck!” coming in a close second.

Score: I need a shower. Clink.

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That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!