Cin @ Den: What to make of Denver? They’re the first team in a few years to not score any points at all in the second half of three straight games. They’ve lost their last two, they’ve beaten San Diego (like everyone else), they beat the P*ts in OT (did NE win the toss in that one?), and they lost 17-15 to the Bears. A devout Broncs fan “says” (meaning he mumbles through tears), It’s not a slow fade, honest! Let’s math it up for a bit, shall we? If the Broncs win tonight the chances of a first-round bye rise to 72%, yet if they lose the odds of them missing the playoffs altogether increase to 23%. Isn’t football fandom fun in a severe chest-pain kind of way? But there is some good news… HERE COMES CINCY! [camera pans to a lone figure limping over the horizon, backlit by a setting sun] That illustration is, like, way metaphorical, right? QB Dalton and TE Ifart are out so the Bengals won’t be looking like a 3-loss team. My prediction is that each squad has the exact same game plan-pack the box and make the QB win it with his arm/smarts. This means the game is determined by which team has the better secondary/pass rush. Denver? Denver.
At first I was like;
http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ltpnj6FWuA1qz7t0xo1_1280.jpg
But then I was like;
http://41.media.tumblr.com/1786bb7b9d459eae704938a41b8b7269/tumblr_nqz8vcpRpg1qa4karo1_1280.jpg
Then shank I was like;
http://41.media.tumblr.com/80868f8d98b5cee9902b1150ba63c076/tumblr_noiuvvddDw1qesseao1_500.jpg
and then…..
http://36.media.tumblr.com/ea4d119c20d348d59f2dc38ef246fa9f/tumblr_nx8d3zjdTg1qazanuo1_1280.png
Finally.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/a6d276a45d2e40a46c394c5e389c6958/tumblr_nymmpfzq0g1tbcweeo1_400.gif
Congrats to you and Smock Bileswilier on your playoff berth.
Thank you very much; I’m thinking one and done……. HOWEVER; looking around the AFC: any team has a shot.
One thing we know for sure; IT’S GONNA GET WEIRD!!
http://45.media.tumblr.com/37a88c65cde26fac264b3faf0855c856/tumblr_nymwbi10VS1tbcweeo1_400.gif
Genuinely shocked there wasn’t a Yvonne Furneaux image or gif. You slipping?
We need to arm and strap in for the weirdness of the playoffs. We also apparently need the wrong belt-feed ammunition for looks.
But mainly I’m thinking;
http://41.media.tumblr.com/7aad446580db06b1037bad8d52ef996e/tumblr_nqj2prUQoa1srxd2qo1_1280.jpg
OF COURSE BRISKET SOUNDS REALLY GOOD TOO!
http://49.media.tumblr.com/01b62866339002ecd8bd1da72d69b9eb/tumblr_nq1y1wGN8R1u2ragso1_500.gif
http://41.media.tumblr.com/c7a7787e8c67bf01f680435a652144c7/tumblr_mwxiqgANo51sdo1x9o1_1280.jpg
Hopefully you already got shit for “and they lost 17-15 to the Bears.”
http://www.denverbroncos.com/schedule-and-events/game/2015/regular11
I think you meant the shit stained Raiders game they had in their hands.
http://www.denverbroncos.com/schedule-and-events/game/2015/regular14
http://49.media.tumblr.com/9ddb61c8064f2e2ca6ca05d74db15ffa/tumblr_n0p62koN1h1r08o57o2_500.gif
Well I’m going to go turn off the lights and stare into the darkness of my room while the madness of a fifth straight first round playoff loss starts to pick at my sanity.
Who Dey?! (Texans, Cardinals, Steelers, Broncos, #6 Seed TBD…)
Take heart: The Bengals have way better losses than the Broncos do.
The experts always measure a team by the quality of their losses.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/cabae5067b42b84ecc8d592efc2a9b1e/tumblr_nxmrrm1bE71sndzdgo6_1280.png
That being said, and I’m looking at this through very double orange glasses, was one of the best games I’ve seen this year; tight and well played. I did yell various form of “CUNT” at the announcers and refs 357 times, so that helped quite a bit. Please add four times at Ray Lewis after the game. Demarcus Ware’s voice sounds like a diminutive piano player and not a very good OLB/DE.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/4c4d362f9d3a6addf6aba7da33586760/tumblr_nynaafuQC91qedb29o1_500.gif
This is the best post-game celebration song I’ve come across recently:
That’s very very nice. Never knew of them. But that’s a hella blasé celebration.
The Bengals were McCarroned; your tropes are invalid.
happy, happy, joy, joy!
(we kinda suck, but the bye week dream is alive!!)
All we have to do is beat the Chargers! So we’ll trip over our dicks, get up, trip over our dicks again, and lose 15-14.
Philip Rivers likes this +1
His kids like it +9 (?…I’ve lost count)
Meh, they’ve beaten the two top seeds in the AFC with a fairly depleted roster and a backup QB. Maybe you are saying the AFC kinda sucks this year, which could be true. Although in this fucking age of stats at your finger tips the AFC v. NFC for 2015 is deeply buried.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m48ipvNrAD1qbgyx2o1_500.gif
http://45.media.tumblr.com/2f3f7766052c4885612ef178874f4854/tumblr_nb3b13NyRq1qaho1po3_500.gif
I finally feel secure in declaring We Buy Ugly Alpacas the winner of the Gratuitous Simpsons References League.
Pfft, I did that HOURS ago.
I have a healthy fear of Demaryius Thomas. He once won Tim Tebow a playoff game.
That shows how REALLY good he is.
And, with that, Brady’s Anal Balls capture third place.
Ok, midnight Kraft Dinner time. Night gents.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln27bwM0YN1qcro1do1_400.gif
http://static4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/When+i+was+little+we+had+these+neighbours+and+_3b72c4bcdd885777e1764aeac0fff6a5.jpg
Do you just not have an angry dome?
WELL I HAVEN”T SO FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR MOM, FUCK YOUR KIDS, FUCK YOUR COUCH!!!
Hey what the fuck did my couch do to you?!
I GOT BED BUGS!
Or maybe I gave it bed bugs…SOMETHING HAPPENED!!!
Jesus, man, I just
[pours another beer]
“Well Jon let’s go to the flow chart to get a better understanding of the playoff picture…”
http://sorenandersson.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/flow-coin_dynamics_PA-680×385.png
“Yup…cut and dry really”
THIS GAME I CALL IT A TEMPORAL INSTABILITY IN THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM BECAUSE THE BRONCOS ARE PLAYING LIKE IT’S WEEK 3 AND THE BENGALS ARE PLAYING LIKE IT’S THEIR FIRST PLAYOFF GAME.
NSZ just puked on your shoes, I think.
HAPPY RETIREMENT PEYTON!
What a scream of relief that was,
Buttholes: Relaxed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Never change, Bungles.
Well. That’s very Bengals
Kirk Cousins: I told you AJ. But thanks for taking the spotlight off my fuck up.
Thats that good Bama education there
Told ya he was a pretty boy.
oh aj your not good
I can’t believe I watched all of this for that ending.
The Bengals…
http://i.imgur.com/3JHOScj.gifv
Already thinking about the honeymoon…
Perfect.
FUCKING BENGALS.
Ball dont lie
guhhhhhh
That was anticlimactic
ROLL DAMN KARMA
Ball don’t lie?
George Gervin finger roll? WTF????
Hochuli with a big fuck you to Kubiak there.
GLORP
Touchdown Seahawks.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Is the guy talking dead and just warmed up for Monday nights?
IS THERE ANY SINGLE ASPECT OF THE NFL AT THIS POINT THAT IS A CLEAR CUT DECISION???
More attention and less ‘splainin’ please Hoch.
You CANNOT overturn that.
BLEERGH is about to fuck the Bengals over.
What is a uncatch? Goddel’s NLF
FUMBREEEE
Let them play! Let them play!
That’s not a damn forward pass.
THAT SHIT BE A FUMBLE KIDS
Todd Davis? I will turn this shit off. I swear to God I will.
Kirk Cousins’ armchair advice?
Take a knee, AJ.
Wow.
200 yards on 34 attempts.
Breathtaking.
Let the pucker…RESUME!!!!
LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!!!
http://i.imgur.com/AJDGe3L.gifv