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Perhaps something similar happened to you last week?
*phone rings
Beerguyrob: “Whaddya want?”
Mom: (calling from California) “Robert, it’s Mom. Why can’t I watch ‘Big Bang Theory’? There’s basketball on.”
BGR: “Yes, Mom. It’s the annual NCAA March Madness Tournament.”
Mom: “So, it’s on every year?”
BGR: *sighs “Yes.”
Mom: “But it was already on this morning. I wanted to watch ‘Price Is Right’, but instead of Drew Carey it was basketball.”
BGR: “Yes, Mom. It’s an all-day tournament going from Thursday to Sunday. Today’s the first day. It lasts from 9:00 AM to 10:00 PM here on the West Coast.”
Mom: “Oh, okay. Well, I’ll watch another channel then. Thanks.” *click
[Five minutes later]
Mom: “Robert, why is there basketball on TBS?”
BGR: “Well, there’s more than one game because they are taking a field of 64 teams and trying to drop them down to 16 teams by Sunday night. So, there’s more than one game on at a time. It’s what makes this tournament the best thing in sports.”
Mom: “Oh, okay. But it’s just one week, right?”
Some of you had this conversation with your mother (or aunt, or mothers – if you were raised in Rick Santorum’s version of Hell) last Thursday. You might think that some version of the above explanation will carry you through to this week, and she’ll understand.
Sadly, you – my friend – are WRONG! WRONG!
Moms don’t “follow” sports. Oh, they take passing interest in what you talk about, so they can mention it to their friends – “Oh, yes, Grace. Rob watches that too.” But Mom don’t care; Mom only cares about four things: your moving out; when are you going to get a ‘real’ job; when are you going to settle down; and when is she gettin’ her damn grandkids? [In my case, at 18; at 26; at 30; and “I dunno, ask God why I’m sterile”.]
To soften that reality, a mom needs her programs. “The Big Bang Theory” is one of those programs. She will watch it any way she can – first run; rerun; Netflix or Hulu. Since YOU never call, she can count on Sheldon & Leonard to be there for her. Oh, those crazy nerds and their wacky hijinks; they all have one memory of yelling at teenaged you about comics/movies/video games, and that’s why this show resonates with them. They also wish you were smarter. “Robert, you like the Star Wars and the Iron Man too, right?”
Don’t worry – the Beerguy is here to help you answer those predictable questions* again for this Thursday. Use this script as a guide.
[Ext: it’s halftime of the Miami – Villanova game. You’ve answered the phone…]
Q: “Son? It’s Mom. Where is my ‘Big Bang’? It’s 8:00. Why is basketball on again? Wasn’t it on just last week?”
A: “Well Mom, it’s on again because it takes a lot of games to get from 64 teams down to four. They need a couple of weeks to figure out who will be in the Final Four tournament.”
Q: “Why do they need 64 teams? Can’t they just pick four like in football?”
A: “No. It’s not a rigged vote, like in college football. Alabama doesn’t always play in this tournament.”
Q: “But why is it on Thursday night? That’s when ‘Big Bang’ is on.”
A: “Well Mom, it’s because of how popular ‘Big Bang’ is that they use Thursday night. They know lots of people will watch, and then they can charge lots of money for commercials.”
[Note: This answer is, of course, a lie – in terms of just doing it because of “The Big Bang Theory” – but do you want to lose valuable game time discussing tournament history with mom? She will accept this answer.]
Q: “Oh, okay. Can they make a lot of money off commercials?”
A: “Yes mom. An average episode of ‘Big Bang’ lasts 19 minutes1, which means there’s 11 minutes of time available for commercials.”
Q: “Oh, now I don’t think that’s right. All TV shows are the same length.”
A: “You’d think; but, no. Everyone on that show makes a million dollars per episode – like the “Friends” did. They have to raise the money to pay them from somewhere. So, they charge $350,0002 per 30 second commercial.”
Q: “Well, couldn’t they have played the games during the day, like last week?”
A: “No. They need to play at night so they can make lots of money off the commercials. Remember how dad complains that it takes 20 minutes to finish the last two minutes of a basketball game on TV?”
Q: “That makes sense. Oh, do the basketball players get paid?”
A: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…….No.”
Q: “Well then, Mr. Smarty Pants, when will my ‘Big Bang’ be on next?”
A: “Why, next week. Here’s a promo picture I found on the internet for you. It’s Sheldon and Amy:”
Q: “Oh, look – Sheldon’s wearing another Green Lantern shirt. Robert, does Green Lantern ever fight Captain America?”
And there you have it. With these few simple tips, and your own ingenuity, you will be able to enjoy the Thursday night start of the Sweet Sixteen.
Of course, all this could be avoided with Call Display and an hour or two in Hell by simply ignoring the phone. YOU MONSTER!
( * = I actually did this research.)
( 1 = according to imdb.com)
( 2 = per Variety)
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