Live, from the First World! New Year’s Eve Eve Open Thread

In the Caribbean, at a dinner table littered with work papers, sits something in a dark blue suit. He would be handsome, if not for the Steve Bannon hair and figure. He is doodling happy faces, with dollar-sign eyes and tongue, around the phrase “Statehood for Puerto Rico NOW!”–and is negotiating by phone a lease for office space.  

Your ad says there’s a shared bathroom for the whole floor. Considering the current [sigh] public health situation, let me ask you: does the common bathroom have marble floors? Because I find that with my high-profile [pause]. I see. How about the faucets? I can go as low as pewter given my stand—OK, that’s fine. [Pause] No! Far from it. $3,000 a month for a corner of a long table in a coworking space, tch, is peanuts. For that location? Peanuts! But how are you handling the, uh, new Covid restrictions as to occupancy and social distancing? [Pause] I ask because sometimes I have to negotiate multi-million dollar transactions by telephone and I want to make sure they are overheard. U huh. U huh.

Jingling of keys from outside is heard

I would have to run the numbers with… [picks up business card from ice cream shop] my accountant. But looks doable. Yes, yes.

Door flies open, The Host enters

The Host: Thought I heard scheming. What are you doing?

Right Wing Devil: Alright. Have a very prosperous New Year. [Hangs up, turns to The Host]. You need an office, and I’m just exercising the full surrogate powers given.

The Host: [stares]

Right Wing Devil: I have to say: nice Diggler’s Donuts T-shirt! It’s gotten [tilts head] a bit tight around the abdomen, I see. But I’m proud you chose formal attire to get a booster vaccine.

The Host: Long line too! I could’ve used your company.

Right Wing Devil: Psht. I don’t do plebe stuff. All I’m good for is business and ladies.

The Host: [Mulls it over, imperceptible nod]

Right Wing Devil: Besides, heh. I read something interesting today. Do you wanna know the percentage of vaccinated folks who’ve turned up positive in PCR tests? Tell me a number. Tell me.

The Host: [Rubs hands with hand sanitizer]

Right Wing Devil: Yeah, this is what you say: “Fill me up with mystery chemicals that don’t protect me. Fill my body, fill it!”

The Host: [Rubs face with both hands, inhales alcohol fumes]

Right Wing Devil: Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying all this [spins right wrist dramatically] his TERIA over a light cold that fattens the Pharma Goose. Even more than chemo! Heh. Talk about a seasonal revenue stream. Speaking of [turns to laptop, scrolls] there’s an Astra Zeneca listing in LinkedIn—

The Host: Satanás, por favor.

Right Wing Devil: What?

The Host: Stay off LinkedIn.

Right Wing Devil: [Closes InPrivate tab]

The Host: Listen, in the vaccination line, there was a teenager and an old man in front of me and both were afraid to get pinched.

Right Wing Devil: Did you cut in front of them? Passed by them and whispered puuusssssaaaayyyy?

The Host: Yes and… It may have crossed my mind.

Right Wing Devil: My Boy! [Goes for high five, gets Tom Brady’d]

The Host: [Looks around] Where’s Ángel?

Right Wing Devil: [Annoyed upwards gaze] Left Wing Angel is likely taking a pronoun awareness webinar—I don’t know! Let me check his cubicle:

Right Wing Devil: Yeah, he’s still gone.

The Host: [Shakes head…] OK, go take the suit and the polka dot tie to the dry cleaner.

Right Wing Devil: I can also swing by a Burlington to buy you some nice polos and boating shoes. Visa, please [extends hand]

The Host: [“Please insult my intelligence more, asshole” stare]

Right Wing Devil: Or just return those Nautica shirts. I didn’t know their XL runs tiny…

The Host: [Extends middle finger]

Right Wing Devil: You are stifling my creativity in this flunky role, you know?.

The Host: Git!

Right Wing Devil leaves, The Host sits in front of laptop

NFL NEWS

There’s no game tonight. Oddly, it doesn’t feel like it’s left a huge hole during these Book of Covid – Volume II times. To be honest, all that NFL last week got me ponderin’. Ever have too many beers before and after a burger and fries? Nothing really objectionable there.

Counterpoint:

Yep. The Olds were right: there is too much of a good thing.

Lousy wisdom [shakes fist]

Two weeks of just Sunday, plus the last MNF in a coupla days, sounds like a colon cleanse before the playoffs. And yet, doesn’t feel rapey.

As of this morning, the House Organ  had few actual news.

-On Sunday, Sam Darnold will start for the Panthers against the ‘Aints. We need an investigative report on Charlotte area tailors to see if Matt Rhule has had any recent fittings for a Nero tunic.

-HARF HARF THE BEN QUITS AFTER MNF

-Notable PR service: Q Aron is not ruling out retirement after the 2021 season. I think any traction this tiny snippet could get only benefits Q Aron. The math, though, is disturbing: 2021 Jordan Love = 2007 Aaron Rodgers

I wouldn’t mind much if Jordan Love wins as many Owls as Q Aron and Favre, but that would require present failure and future success for The Pack. Regardless, I trust the rest of the NFC North will rise to the occasion with spite and vitriol.

Espen has the current playoff standings. I’m rooting for an 8-9 playoff team.

And for Sunday, GO BENGALS! #Obviously

As to those making the FF championship, best wishes to Game Time Decision in his work league. As to those playing in the final in the leagues I’m in: get drenched in garbage juice, you fucken bastards. Oh! A Covid outbreak dictated your playoff success. Goody! Go on and tell your mama, she’ll be so proud of another personal triumph in which you fell into without doing squat shit.

In sum, if you don’t reinvite me for next year, I’ll cut ya.

🔪

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central, listings from Espen Deportes.

Hockey! Hockey! Hockey!

Canadiens @ [INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK] – 6 PM

Lightning @ Panthers – 6 PM

Predators @ Blue Jackets – 6 PM

Sabres @ Islanders – 6:30 PM

Flames @ Kraken – 9 PM

Canucks @ Kings – 9:30 PM

Flyera @ Sharks – 9:30 PM

NBA

Sixers @ Nets – 6 PM

Bucks @ Magic – 6 PM

Cavs @ Wizards – 6 PM

Warriors @ Nuggets – 8:30 PM

JV Ball Bowls

We now turn to el socio Balls of Steels and Fury for the previews:

Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl – Hotlanna, GA

Pitt Panthers v. Michigan State Spartans – 6 PM

Worth noting, Balls is the straightest of shooters:

I don’t care what you are or what you believe in. You make a damn good burger or chicken sandwich, I’ll support you.

I have zero problems with that, or with chicken sammiches or burgers. Yet, as someone who’s been cooking almost daily for now a coupla years, gotta say: anything breaded and fried is succulent. And my bar for a burger is pretty, pretty low. So, you know, if I wanted any of those, I would prefer to get them anywhere but Chick-Fil-A.

Now, if we were talking about pizza, well… For outstanding pizza, I would definitely lower my woke shields and let my dignity take a hit.

[There’s some mumbling and jangling of keys heard from outside]

SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl

 Wisc. Badgers (-6) v. AZ State Sun Devils – 9:30 PM

 The game will be held in the Raiders’ new stadium, which will be nice for ASU coach Herm Edwards as it will bring back fond memories of the NFL. ASU coeds will be well-familiar with the city’s strip clubs, so that will be nice for them. Finally, the Wisconsin fans will be VERY happy to go to Vegas as they will have many buffets to choose from.

I like Herm. He seems like the kinda guy—

[There’s still some mumbling and jangling of keys heard from outside]

The Host: Who’s there? Is that you, Ángel?

Left Wing Angel: [from outside the door, very hoarsely] Crack open a window.

The Host gets up and opens a window outside.

The Host: [Looks out the window] Hey Ángel, you look, uhhh… Wow. Wanna come in and grab a… shower?

Left Wing Angel: Fuck. You [grabs crotch, turns around, falls down the stairs, gets up, and ambles away]

To be continued?

Gif via giphy.com; banner from aleteia.org.