TOP IMAGE from “Great Lies to Tell Small Kids” by Andy Riley. Highly recommended book.
SO HERE WE ARE! It’s hours until the draft starts (then stops, then starts, then stops, and finally limps over the finish line a few days from now) and except for questions about hand size and the fragility of Myles Jack’s cybernetic knee, it’s been a relatively quiet in terms of likely-bullshit rumors designed to push down a draft prospect’s likely draft position. Usually, the Combine drug tests are the richest vein of such rumors, but since the NFL announced that no one failed their test, we’re left with actual positive tests/arrests/video evidence which have been out for a while and are unlikely to spook even the twitchiest GM at this point. Shit, even The Defenestrator has worked his way back into the first round in most mock-drafts you’ll see- Adam Schefter quoted one team scout as saying his lack of injury from the fall showed he had good knees and a low center of gravity.
Not really, but you believed it for a moment, didn’t you?
Laremy Tunsil’s stepfather tried his damnedest to inject some life by filing a civil suit yesterday against the Former Lock Number One Pick, but the timing is so transparent and ridiculous that it’s not going to change anyone’s mind like the whiff of murder might.
So anyway, per someone’s suggestion on one of the open threads, let’s see what horrifying slide-inducing rumors we can come up with. Bonus points if it involves Darren Rovell getting sodomized by an industrial implement.
*Jalen Ramsey (CB, Florida State): Police now investigating two-year-old Jalen’s whereabouts on the night of JonBenet Ramsey’s death. “I don’t care if he wasn’t even potty-trained; get me a confession, damnit!” Boulder County Sheriff Joe Pelle was overheard telling his investigators.
*Joey Bosa (LB/DE, THE Ohio State University): Has evidenced an interest in going into the family business. Thinks the next NFLPA head should send a coupla guys over to see Ziggy Wilf, maybe see if proper fire safety precautions were taken at his lovely new stadium. Inquiring about which member of the Bowlen family would be most disturbed to wake up with John Elway’s head in his or her bed.
*Paxton Lynch (QB, Memphis): Scored a 40 on the WunderBrah Test at the Combine, the highest score since Johnny Manziel and only two points behind all-time leader Cade McNown. Thinks he can pull off the Tony Stark/Jack Sparrow beard-mustache combo, suggesting poor judgment. Named “Paxton”.
*Carson Wentz (QB, North Dakota State A&M Tech): Four dead hookers. Parts of four, anyway.
YOUR TURN:
Myles Jack shot a man in Chino, just to watch him die.
A’Shawn Robinson actually likes the worst condiment.
http://www.catgifs.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/131_catsheep_cat_gifs.gif
Yeah, it’s cat-sheep, CAT-SHEEP.
Artie Burns has an antique collection of nipple clamps.
Taylor Decker’s mom used to torture Guatemalans in her basement.
Jared Goff was spotted buying a suspiciously large number of car batteries and jumper cables.
He’s just trying to camouflage himself from all the other Jareds out there. Can you really blame him?
William Jackson III is actually William Jackson IV, but he ate his twin in utero.
This one is my favorite.
Paxton Lynch has lost one testicle and part of the other in a cold weather water balloon accident.
I’m not saying Jared Goff uses steroids and horse tranquilizers but….
So THAT’S why Elway was said to be interested in him.
http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Scared-Red-Panda-Footsteps.gif
DeForest Buckner uses asshole Fleshlight.
Like…a Fleshlight shaped like an anus, or one that you use on your own anus, or…
Nevermind. Don’t want to know.
http://d3f650ayx9w00n.cloudfront.net/700/31716.jpg
It should be arriving at your office shortly.
Ohio State CB Eli Apple has never eaten an apple. Or a pear. Or a strawberry. He eats stickers all the time, though.
No, you’re thinking of Eli Manning, and that was a scratch-and-sniff sticker, and it was ONE TIME when he was FOUR YEARS OLD WOULD YOU GIVE IT A REST ALREADY PEYTON?
Ezekiel Elliott is actually a 29 year old Sudanese man posing as a high school basketball player
“LAREMY, LAREMY TUNSIL. YOU CANNOT DRAFT HIM FOR YOUR TEAM. HE WILL BE A DISTRACTION IN THE NFL. IT WILL REMIND THE PLAYERS OF LARAMIE, WYOMING. WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MATTHEW SHEPARD. THIS TUNSIL HE isn’t GAY, BUT IT WILL STICK MAKE ALL THE PLAYERS UNCOMFORTABLE THINKING ABOUT ALL THAT GAY STUFF. THEY SHOULD DRAFT A REAL MAN. AN HONORABLE MAN, A MAN LIKE RAY RICE.”
-Stephen A.
Laremy Tunsil paid for two prostitutes to be thrown into a gigantic mixing vat and entirely covered in Kraft macaroni and cheese. He then ate his way to them before both suffocated.
You say that as if it’s a bad thing.
“I love this kid, but we’re not drafting him, right?”
-Andy Reid after hearing Fozz’s report.
“THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!”
/Smacks ass. Hard
//Realizes his hand came away with mac and cheese on it.
Kraft macaroni and cheese is known in the greater Baltimore area school lunch program as “health food”.
Laremy Tunsil has reportedly been arrested for grand theft auto for stealing Mark Emmert’s ’76 Ford Pinto.
Jerry Richardson sees DeForest Buckners name, assumes he is a descendant of the two Confederate Generals. Trades up to top stop in draft. Sees a picture of player in question, drops back dow to the 19th pick.
A girl disappeared from the ship when Connor Cook did his Semester at Sea. She was a notorious jersey-chaser and the rumor is that they found a positive pregnancy test stick in her room the night she was presumed to have gone overboard.
Moritz Boehringer was heard to say, “Hitler was right about those people.”
Darren Rovell tweets,
Hitler has near universal name recognition. You just can’t buy that kind of publicity.
Boehringer later shows proof that his comments were taken out of context. In fact Pete Prisco had asked him the question. Boehringer started laughing uncontrollably after repeating Prisco’s statement, then proceeded to punch the reporter in his face.
Rovell has now edited his tweet to say that Boehringer is “a gloryboy just like those people.”
“I had him going in the bottom half of the first round before this incident, but now I believe the GM’s will steer away from this hot head and he will be lucky to be Mr Irrelevant,” say Mel Kiper. Kiper went on to add, “You have to treat a great reporter like Prisco with much more respect than that. It was a valid point for Prisco to bring up to the young man.”
Neville Chamberlain was the original Mr. Irrelevant, ppl forget that.
Dak Prescott: secretly working for the Irish.
Darren Rovell helped Craig James hide the bodies of five dead hookers.
Nono, these are supposed to be FALSE rumors.
Scooby Wright, after under performing/under measuring at the combine and his pro day workouts, penned a letter in The Player’s Tribune about how he’s always been passed over because his stature and promises to ‘continue to upset the experts’ in his bare-all piece. Jimmy Haslem is reportedly in talks to trade up to the #2 spot to get Wright.
He then went on to disavow any relationship with his troubled young cousin who has been arrested several times on attempted battery charges. “He’s family, and I love the kid, but he just doesn’t know when to back down,” said Scooby.