Holy mother of fuck, do I ever love football. Even if this most glorious 9/11 opening slate broke my brain. Which it most certainly did. You say YOUR brain is still functional, and useable for billable work? FUCKING LIAR.
January was quite the roller coaster for Cincinnati. But even coming in 2nd, one had to be impressed with the overall effort. The future looked amazing, and for the infinity’th year running, I paid no mind to the Superb Owl Hangiver effect.
Joe Burrow had the first TD pass of the season, but it was an own goal. That was turnover 1 of Joe’s 5 for the game, with FUCKING FOUR in the first half alone.
And he should have STILL walked off the field a hero. Game-winning TD pass to Chase with 2 seconds in regulation. Except that the Bengals’ long snapper was apparently hurt. The snap went high, the PAT got blocked. 20-20, and Extra Time awaits. After forcing a three-and-out, Cincy moved the ball inside the 15, but for some reason…played for 3. They did opt to kick of 3rd down, which is smart because it allows for a do-over with a bad snap. Snap was indeed wretched (way worse than on the PAT), but the holder freaks out and places the ball down awkwardly anyway, and the 29-yard kick is shanked.
Boswell then had the chance to win it from 55, and doinked the upright. This time, Cincy stalled inside the 40, with Burrow shitting himself on 3rd and short, sack fumbling. Samaje Perine ran it out to the 39, but the rules don’t allow it. Cincy punts (poorly), jumps offside on 3rd and 1, blows coverage AND tackling, Boswell gets a 2nd chance and Bollo del Verdad is a 23-20 winner. Words fail, though many will be written. Absolute sorcery, and a tremendous coaching job by Mike Tomlin, yet again. Otherwise, sorcery never even comes into play.
That arguably wasn’t even the weirdest finish of the window. Because Lovie Smith enters the pantheon of the Gods, playing for the Draw rather than go for 4th and 2 near midfield. I absolutely love this man, and he is your God of Draws, now and forever. This too never should have been to Extra Time, as the 500s dominated the first three and a half quarters of play, taking a 20-3 lead. And being the 500s, blew it spectacularly. It would have been the first “two NFL Draws in one day” since the year of Hippo’s unfortunate birth (1973). And they BOTH would have been 20-all. Stupid Yinzers, ruining my fun.
And THAT arguably wasn’t the biggest choke job, with Sherman’s Ashes blowing a 26-10 Q4 home lead to Rapey Jameis and pals. 26-18 became 26-24 pretty quick-likem but the 2nd conversion failed. Less surprisingly, the Mariota-led offense couldn’t salt things away, and a long Lionel Hutz placement kick gave Who Dat a 27-26 lead, 24 seconds to play. Younghoe, who had been perfect (as Younghope tends to be, chuh chuh) had a miracle kick to suck out (heh) the win, but the low-driven 63-yard attempt was blocked. Crab legs all around.
And EVEN THAT almost wasn’t the biggest choke, because #ThePauls’ 4th round draft choice kicker was good from 59 (with at least 10 to spare) at the death, saving a 26-24 win over Baker, Baker, the (VENGEFUL) Turnover Maker. Mayfield predictably sucked, but the Believeland secondary had a Q4 mare, blowing 20-7 and 23-14 leads. It really was kind of a pitiful game, until Q4 went plaid (as was the fashion).
Soldier Field was basically a slip-n-slide, even before kickoff. And it kept raining. Harder and harder. The Tomsulas led 10-zip, and it looked – for all practical purposes – done and dusted. Unlikeliest of all sudden changes, Chi**** stormed back for THREE 2nd half TDs, and even two missed PATs wouldn’t mean fuck shit. Santa Clara remained stuck on 10, and the hue and cry for Janeane to re-take the reins will be loud.
Take. A. Breath.
Detroit picked up 2021’s form, starting well, falling way behind, then storming back to respectability. But Philly converted a 4th and 1 to seal the 38-35 win, with every member of the RB room (including Hurts) scoring on the ground. I never have, nor will I ever, understand the Iggles. Maybe Litre can help us out!
The Legend of White Mac met South Florida humidity, and the swampass won. 17-nil at the half, 20-7 after three, and a 4th quarter that involved absolutely nothing of note. Boris told us that the P*ts never play well in Miami, and Boris was (as usual) spot-on correct.
Foward, Red Army! The Commies blew a 14-3 to Prison Girlfriend, but then scored the last 14 to win, 28-22. Dakota Jeebus still kind of sucks, but that rookie WR (Datson?) looks really fucking good. Sneakily entertaining game, but neither team is going to be any good.
Would you really bet against the NFL’s first Muslim head coach, leading the Jets on 9/11? Well, you should have. Joe Flacco is still as unflavoUred ice milk as ever, managing only a garbage time touchdown to close it to 24-9. 2022’s Jets couldn’t get the job done over the Infidel Ratbirds. Lamar! actually threw for three scores. Good on him, betting on himself. Bigger tests await, though.
For the 2nd year running, I am out of both my Survivor AND Loser Pools after Week 1. Because Brian Daboll most give one hell of a halftime team talk. Down nil-13, they seemed dead and buried. But they pulled even, which would have been more if not for a botched snap on the PAT. Tanny Fanny answered, and Dimebag threw a pitiful red zone pickerception. But Tennessee, they could not milk clock. They got cute on 3rd and 1, and had to punt. Just over a minute left, TD G-men. And they go for two. My only issue with the decision? Too much time on the clock. Tie it, and Vrabel likely just accepts OT. But Saquon made a great play and converted, for the 21-20 lead.
But Vrabel one-upped the botched clock management. Gifted TWO defensive holding calls, Tannehill completed a nice sideline toss with 18 seconds left, down to the 25. Somehow, they couldn’t get a play called, and burned their last timeout. AND THEN, rather than run an actual goddamned play, they intentionally LOST three yards to put the ball on the right hash. Fat Kicker comes in, hooks it left for the stupidest of losses.
I hate poor clock and game management, and when idiot coaches treat 45+ yard FGs like they are gimmes. Just PLAY FOOTBALL.
Have you noticed that Q-aaron is a pissy little shit? He was at his bitchiest today, wedged around regular Viking-led poundings. 23-7, and it never seemed that close. Poor OL play, complete failure to identify and/or cover Justin Jefferson. Just a wretched performance all around. Might this FINALLY be the year that group disintegrates? The blow-up/rebuild is long overdue.
Speaking of pissy little shits, Wee Kyler and Koach Kliff shit the bed spectacularly. Also, perhaps Andy Reid and Pat Mahomes don’t need Tyreek Hill after all. Smith-Schuster ain’t great, but the group overall worked just fine in the desert. It was 37-7 in Q3 before garbage time made it deceptively “close” at 44-21. Woof. The Chefs’ safety also made an extra point, and kicked off most of the game. That was fun.
Josh McDaniels loses his Raiders opener, to the dismay of the home crowd in LA. Emo Carr threw three picks, and generally held the ball too long, on infinite loop. 24-19 is your final, but Clippers du Merde might want to keep their foot on the gas in the future. You shouldn’t need late defensive stops when you are spotted leads of 17-3 and 24-10. Not with the offensive weapons (and QB) at your disposal. Much sloppier overall than last year’s Week 18 thriller.
Finally, you get Team MRSA in a muted contest against Gimpy Dak and his merry, Non-Gendered Cowpersons. I’m just going to predict a pounding and much NBC fluffing, hit submit already. Hippo tired.
![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)






at Giants7:15 p.m.4Oct. 2
at Rams3:25 p.m.6Oct. 16
at Eagles7:20 p.m.7Oct. 23

BYE WEEK10Nov. 13
at Packers3:25 p.m.11Nov. 20
at Vikings3:25 p.m.12Nov. 24

at Jaguars1 p.m.16Dec. 24
at Titans7:15 p.m18Jan. 7 or 8






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