The All Star Game on FOX

With the All Star Game tonight in Cincy, and me still high from the fantastic home run derby last night, it’s time for the All Star Game presented by Ferminger’s Viophonographs and Big Lester’s BBQ Freakhouse.

For those of us looking for a place to discuss whether Joe Buck is a bigger tool than Chris Berman, or if Pete Rose should be in the HOF or burned at the stake, here’s a spot.

Have fun tonight, and remember – training camps start next week, so be safe out there.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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WCS
Sill Bimmons

Damn.

Bucs gonna have to win the Series on the road.

Sill Bimmons

Good start.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They should have played this whole game with the HR derby clocks going.

WCS

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOLEG

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WCS
Sill Bimmons

Insufferable incompetence.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tater!

WCS

He’s not that scary, he’s even kind of lame. I don’t get what you’re so—

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOLEG

WhyEaglesWhy

My kingdom for a yellow bar!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How is the KSK vs DFO rivebrog battle for kommentera going to work?

ballsofsteelandfury

I got a pop up telling me there was a new comment!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

1 vote for hate, please

Sill Bimmons

Not overly fond.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So I guess the Cubs aren’t going to get home field advantage in this year’s world series after all.

WCS

Time to put some money on the Miami Gators, I guess.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“I could have caught that!”

–People who write to Drew on Deadspin

WCS

I’d rather lose my hearing in a rapid decompression accident than be forced to listen to a bro-country concert.

Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, I almost forgot, Happy Bastille Day, everyone!

ballsofsteelandfury

WEAU!!!!

King Hippo

Cardinal Way WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Sill Bimmons

I’LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS ERIN

King Hippo

Lily is all disappoint ,, smgdh

King Hippo

Erin Andrews, so jelly of Jacob deGrom’s hair.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Come on, Bryce, what the shit

BrettFavresColonoscopy

True story, I was on a work trip where a colleague said he thought Bud Light was the best light domestic beer. I said he wouldn’t be able to recognize beer if beechwood pissed it down his throat. Four of us did a blind taste, Bud Light, Miller Light, Coors Light. I was the only one to get them all right and properly classify Bud Light as the worst of them. The guy from the beginning of this seemingly pointless story ranked Bud Light as the worst, except he thought it was Miller Light.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think I saw that Twilight Zone

Sill Bimmons

Damn.

I almost feel sorry for that baseball.

Sill Bimmons

CUTCH WOOOOOO

WCS

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTCH

comment image?w=650

King Hippo

he good

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Live bears in the stands! Someone call Jackie Moon!

King Hippo

This baseball game got boring, huh? I knew I shoulda huffed more spray paint.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

So this is where all the Kewl Kommenters Kongregate now?

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/B3m3AkJIMAIAPMr.jpg

WCS

This is being live-brogged from the historic Apollo Theater.

WCS

Now that we all feel extra old, a special FUCK YOU to Fox for that segment.

Sill Bimmons

INORITE

BrettFavresColonoscopy

OSZ’s charitable activities prompted a thought–what are some of the worst diseases that don’t get enough attention? I was thinking Parkinson’s.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My id wants to chime in that I don’t believe that disease gets a fair shake.

/shows self out

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

It’s a safe space. If you can’t laugh at a horrific life-ruining disease, what can you laugh at?

VonTazeMeBro

Alzheimers. I know there’s a few movements but not as much as cancer, etc. I love old people so much and it breaks my heart. Now I have the sads. THANKS BUD

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, it wrecks individuals and families and could use a lot more $$$ and attention.

Joe Buck can turn your sads into hate…

WCS

Lupus can be a motherfucker. Fuck you, House, it CAN be lupus.

King Hippo

Blindness. Nothing terrifies me more than that.

ballsofsteelandfury

I know a lady at work that could see fine. One day, she fell ill and was gone for a while. She lost her sight. I still don’t know how. The amazing part is that she got training and is now back at work.

Every day I see her it reminds me to be thankful for what I have and to not be a fucking pussy.

VonTazeMeBro

Has anyone here had Skyline or Gold Star chile? It’s a Cincinnati tradition. I’m actually just trying to start a hot dog war, but wanted to open with that.

VonTazeMeBro

Fuck me. CHILI, not the country

King Hippo

If only I were clever enough to make a somewhat blue pun about some of the more attractive Chilean female fans from the Copa America final from last weekend (or the one before?). Que lastima.

Anyway…just no goddamned beans, or all that weirdo shit on top of it. Good, simple chili will do just fine. I generally find Cincinnati style a bit too sweet for my taste.

WCS

I’ve had Skyline, not necessarily by choice. It looks and smells the same going in as it does on it’s way back out.

VonTazeMeBro

So you’re saying you liked it?

WCS

What can I say? I have weird fetishes.

Sill Bimmons

GIVE ME GOLD STAR OR GIVE ME DEATH

WCS

Buck just quoted Skip Bayless and there is nothing left to live for and hopefully Cthulu is nigh.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently they have been referring to that whale-shaped feature on Pluto as Cthulu so you may get your wish.

WCS

Commercial break options: Home Shopping Network, Sean Hannity, Tosh.O, some kind of American Olympics… What the hell am I supposed to do? Read a book?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Mastubation? Make a sandwich? Drunk dial Jimmy Carter?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If you call him, taunt him about his shitty paintings. Also, I actually read that piece of historical fiction he wrote, and hooboy, if you want to be creeped out, read a sex scene Jimmy Carter wrote while imagining Jimmy Carter’s voice describing it to you.

WCS

That gives me an idea… I’m going to send a Jimmy Johns sandwich covered in spooge to Jeb Bush’s place!

King Hippo

The answer is always opiates.

WCS

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Please let this game end in a tie.

WCS

When does a drunken Troy Aikman stumble into the booth and start swearing at Buck, while trying to fight Reynolds?

King Hippo

AH WISH AH COULD QUIT YEWWWW

laserguru

I am currently reading and almost finished with The Orphan Master’s Son by Adam Johnson. It’s been a great read. The action takes place in North Korea and we do get to meet, as a character in the book, the Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il.
At one point there is a North Korean band playing a song about Dear Leader’s military achievements.
The name of the song is…

“Speed Battle Haircut”.

And just like that I have the name for my metal band.

WCS

I prefer Excellent Horse-Like Lady, personally.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5tkXgw2OMY

WCS

At last, us long suffering Pittsburgh fans have something to cheer for!

King Hippo

I have to get all my asshole Cardinals taunting out of my system tonight, because Gerrit Cole (best pitcher in the NL) is one of many reasons the Dirt Stillers will be in first place once the calendar turns to August, and will stay there.

/godfuckingdamnit

//at least not the Small Bears

King Hippo

That’s what happens when you don’t hit for 5 weeks straight. Even so, I could squint hard enough to say the Redbirds might still be the 2nd best team in el beisbol thinks to the starting pitching, but it’s hard to see how Los Dirt Stillers aren’t significantly better.

Cuntler

You jorts wearing assholes hate him. He dropped a fly ball in the playoffs once! And he isn’t clutch! Worst fans ever (deep breath) (stops rage posting).

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I don’t even want to go to Star Wars Night at Busch this year. It feels hollow, rooting for the Baseball Patriots.

Will still probably go.

Cuntler

Jesus fucking Christ. Are all you assholes morans? And you make fun of Pats fans?? Cardinals fans are worse than any NFL fans. Discuss. No? It’s unanimous then.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Cleatus the NFL Robot sighting!

How Riot Cop-y is he this year?

3.5?

He’s going to up his game, now that we have honest-to-Buddha international robot fighting.

Horatio Cornblower

Is Harold Reynolds really going crazy about an All-Star caliber first-baseman being able to field a routine grounder right next to 1B and step on the bag without looking at it? Because I’ve got a high-schooler who can do the same thing.

scotchnaut

Whenever you let him out of the basement?

Horatio Cornblower

How the hell did Harold Reynolds get in my basement? We have got to stop leaving cliches lying around down there; he’ll chew through concrete to get at them.

scotchnaut

I’ve the notion that your basement is a cornucopia of 2nd rate annoyances.

King Hippo

Good thing Jhonny was there to get the 2 out hit, after the predictable Small Bear womp womp.

WOO!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So, it doesn’t compare emotionally to Horatio’s shit day, but I’m having a doozy myself. I don’t usually share too much about myself on the internetz, but fuck it, this is a small community and we’re all bored enough to be watching pointless (oh it counts this time?) baseball tonight.

Cuntler and a few others may remember that I mentioned a new job splitting my time between DC and Boulder. Well this is week two in Boulder, and I’m watching this ASG from one of its fine hospitals. I started having these weird chest pains over the weekend, brushed them off as nothing because I’m in my goddamn thirties, and proceeded to fly from DC to Denver Sunday night. They ebbed and flowed a little bit eventually since breathing is a requirement and it feels like someone is stabbing me every time I take a breath, I called a local doctor’s office. They promptly told me to get my ass to the ER. I’ve been here for almost five hours now.

The good news is my heart is fine and I don’t have a pulmonary embolism. The bad news is something is wrong that they can’t figure out. So it’s baseball and my very own episode of house while I should be getting shitfaced on Pearl Street. Yay.

King Hippo

Nothing like the “fuck if we know” diagnosis, especially away from home. Hang in there, man.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey best of luck. Have them check you for sprained ribs. It sounds stupid but I’ve done it twice and it is really painful. The last time the ER ran a shitload of tests on me, because I’m in my mid-40’s, only to confirm that I should take a handful of aspirin and go home.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yikes, man. Please get well soon.

Covalent Blonde

That’s pretty heinous and I wish you the best. I definitely second Horatio’s consideration of the old ribsies. Having had the pleasure of a handful of broken ribs, sternal dislocation, and a hiatal hernia there is little in the realm of thoracic discomfort that seems to feel like making healing an A-No. 1 priority.

But hey, not an embolism! So that’s something, right? Something a little better than Joe Buck, maybe?

WCS

It’s actually just exposure to Joe Buck. Same happens to me.

ballsofsteelandfury

Hope everything goes well! The good news is that the major stuff had been ruled out. I’m with Horatio. It might be a pulled muscle or strain.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thanks, Gents and Covalent. I didn’t even go to the doc right away because I assumed it was ribs/intercostal muscles. Nope, they ruled that out, too. I’m spending the night.

Covalent Blonde

Fuck. Sorry, babe. I hope you can walk it off. Maybe you should have called your family more often and then the Jewish guilt wouldn’t have manifested itself as a hate blob on your left lung.

King Hippo

SHIT. I just remembered something. About 10 years ago, I was holding a particularly heavy Xmas tree over the stand, waiting for the then-wife to be satisfied it was level so the little anchoring mechanisms could be deployed. It was uncomfortable, but I went about the rest of my day, no problem.

In the middle of the night, I kept waking up having trouble catching my breath. Like you, my chest kind of hurt, and I couldn’t figure out why. Early-mid 30s at the time, about average shape. In the back of my mind, I was like “could I really be having a fucking heart attack?”

But, being a moron, I was too prideful to go to the hospital, I waited to call my primary care doctor when the office opened. She figured out that I had pulled the muscle away from my sternum holding the damned tree, and it was just a time delay until I felt it (and laying flat exacerbated the breathing interference). 3 days of muscle relaxers and sweet, sweet opiates and I was fine.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, but I’m a Jew.

WCS

Okay, I just saw this now because I’m horrible at this so-called Tumbling or whatever the shit this is. Anyway, hang there, bud. We’re here with dick jokes and hate-watching (listening?) to Buck with you.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Cuntler

Rub some dirt on it, pussy.

/ hope you feel better!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Best of wishes, homeslice. If the scans don’t turn up anything, I can make you some of my mother’s broad-spectrum matzoh ball soup

While I generally like baseball, I am not voluntarily inflicting a helping of Joe Buck’s dullness on myself until September at the earliest.

Cuntler

Why did they have Ashton Kutcher design the hats this year?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I think only Pirates players should get to wear them.

Cuntler

This is basically Royals v. Cardinals, right? Go not Cardinals!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yay, sportball!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God, I hate Joe Buck.

scotchnaut

“I hate Joe Buck.”

-God

/there ya go!

WCS

Liking Joe Buck is akin to sedition.

King Hippo

Joe Buck is the goddamned worst. Except that Fox ALSO has Harold Goddamned Reynolds now. My teevee box, it is a-muted.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I replaced Joe Buck’s commentary with a sound effect track of pearls being clutched and honestly can’t tell the difference.

Covalent Blonde

Wait, Komrade Hippo, but Buck is an avid fellator of the Cards, and given your penchant for them, surely you have to have a soft spot for him, no?

Prepare for hot taek: I like Joe Buck. Not because he is useful or good at anything aside from saying the cruelest things about the Bengals uniforms, but because in my mind, he and Troy Aikman are on a reality TV show together where they have to live together in a dorm and go to lunch and dress each other up to go to a club and talk about girl problems together. They are the announcer’s equivalent of the Odd Couple, and as a foil for the jockiest of Aikman, I love Buck for being Buck.

King Hippo

Hee hee, nein. Bob Costas is also friendly to the cause and I hate him perhaps even more.

I would watch the hell out of the show in your mind, though.

Cuntler

I am at a bar that is showing Canada playing someone in soccer and a comic book documentary. They must hate America.

Cuntler

Oh, two bros in Rockies caps had them change it. USA! USA! USA!

Cuntler

No. World of Beers on the 16th street mall in downtown Denver. Waiting for work people. Hooray?

scotchnaut

Curses! Just committed the wife and I to a Sherlock episode.

/I’ll get you next time “Baseball All-Star Game” [shakes fist]

scotchnaut

I don’t blame you. I blame me indulging my wife for once.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And I only brought it up because I thought snarky things about Joe Morgan using a walker and wanted to hear other people share worse thoughts through an anonymous medium.

ballsofsteelandfury

You’re really better off. Sherlock is better than pretty much anything I can think of.

ballsofsteelandfury

Baseball or Sherlock? Baseball or Sherlock?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jLl_cy7wne8/VMffhuP1VMI/AAAAAAAAbDA/sOXz8NVR8tA/s1600/Irene%2BAdler.jpg

Yeah, not a tough choice.

scotchnaut

That was last night. Hound of the Baskervilles tonight.*

*perhaps the weakest episode?

King Hippo

I would like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Horatio Cornblower

That was a great episode. The naked lady genius one, not necessarily the Hound of the Baskervilles. Watched them all with my daughter. Good show.

scotchnaut

Agreed. The take on “The Red-Headed League” was fantastic.

/I had to read all the Holmes stories at one point in my youth and seeing the originals spun out the way they are…the writing is brilliant.

/also, the cinematography, story-telling, editing, acting, and so forth

WCS

Evenin’, bitches.

Covalent Blonde

Evening, your sexiness!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Somehow, this is relevant.



EDIT: GODDAMN WORDPRESS YOU ARE STUPID!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I give up. It was supposed to be that Simpsons steel mill.