Hear me out.  I know you guys are a little skeptical about the fact that jet fuel can’t melt steel.  Lookit, all I can tell you is that you need to look DEEPER.  Like super deep.  Get back to me on that.

Today, I’ve come to you with a big scoop!  You’re not gonna believe this, but it’s true.  No, it’s not about the Super Bowl and deflated balls, although I’ll get to that in a second.  BTW, Ravens totally snitched but you didn’t hear it from me.

No, the big dark secret I am about to unveil to you is the workings of a horrible group of people hellbent on the destruction of our society as we know it.  I’m talking the scum of the earth.  The lowest of the low.  The UCLA Bruins to the USC Trojans of the Pac-12 (WIN FOREVER!).   These people do not deserve to live and need to be exposed.

Let me ask you a question.  You enjoy dick jokes, don’t you?  Sure ya do!  Everyone does.  Now, what if your dick jokes were to be SPONSORED?  You’re liking it a little less, aren’t you?  Ok, now bear with me, cause things get really complicated and nefarious forces are at play.  What if, in response to the rejection of sponsored dick jokes, a new organization sprung up and decided to make dick jokes themselves?  That old organization wouldn’t like it too much, would they?  They already killed once.  They can do it again.

By now, hopefully you’ve put two and two together and you don’t need me to spell it out for you.  God knows we live in dangerous times and I don’t want to stick my neck out any more than I have to.

Oh, and to those people that think me calling a pass on the one yard line at the end of the Super Bowl was a secret plan to give Russell Wilson the credit, me the glory of a brilliant playcall no one expected, and to fuck Beast Mode in the ass for being too much of an individual?  You’re right, but go fuck yourselves!