NSA Telephone Transcript #68U127IP93

[brief ringing sound, then a phone picking up]

OSZ: [brief sound of a phone being fumbled then dropped; faintly] Ah, what the fuck…

Drunk Uncle Roy: ZERO! ARE YA THERE MY BOY?

OSZ: [sound of a cat meowing loudly] Gimme that… hullo?

DUR: ZERRROOOOO! WE’RE UN! DEE! FEET! ED!

OSZ: Oh no. Is that you Roy? It’s three in the—

DUR: Didja see it? DIDJA SEE MY EALGLES? [indeterminate background noise—kind of sounds like a helicopter? Or maybe a lawn mower?]

OSZ: What are you talki—

DUR: We fuckin’ STOMPED the sColts. Fuggin took um out to the shed and grabbed the hose and made em shit Roundup.

OSZ: What does that even m—

DUR: IT MEANS CHIP IS A GENSIUS! He wend out there and sent Mark Ancho to deliver a MESSAGE, and he delivered it to Jordan Matthew Ryan to show just how much BOSS we are this year!

OSZ: Wait, who?

DUR: The guy, Matthew Jordan.

OSZ: Who?

DUR: Uh, Ryan Jordan.

OSZ: Do you mean Ryan Matthews? Or Jordan Matthews?

DUR: MATT RYAN!

OSZ: That doesn’t even—

DUR: AAAAHHHHH HA HA HA! Got you! Just kidding! YOU THOUGHT WE GOT MATTY ICE!

OSZ: I didn’t—

DUR: [indeterminate sound again: maybe a generator of some sort?] Yer so gullible, Zero. Heck, you’d believe it if I told you I was gonna vote for Hurlary.

OSZ: I don’t—

DUR: I’M A TRUMP GUY! Or Ron Paul. [the noise is louder again, then fades away]

OSZ: Where are you, anyway?

DUR: Lissen, it’s no big deal. YOU KNOW WHAT IS A BIG DEAL?

OSZ: Don’t you dare say Teb—

DUR: YEAHHHHHH BABY! TEBOW TIIIIIME! WOOOOOOOOOO!

OSZ: Shit.

DUR: Didja sees im? He was DYNAMITE! He put those godly shoulders right into their PANSY ASS FACES and marched into the endsone like he was onna CRUSADE! I gotta tell ya, Chip’s gonna quarterback the committee all season, and just CRUSH evuhrybody. YOU WAIT! He’s gonna trot out a three qb formation that’s gonna blow yer mind! YOU’LL NEVER KNOW WHO’S GONNA GET THE BALL! Could it be Bradford to zip a shot right to where we need it? Or Sanchay who’s gonna slick willy his way into the secondary? OR THE CHOSEN ONE, WHO’S JUST GONNA WIN?! Ya know what makes the Tebow so speshul?

OSZ: I just don—

DUR: I’ll tell you the secret. It’s because he’s from FLORIDA!

OSZ: Oh, no.

DUR: Yeah, that’s right! You ever hear of something terrible happening in Florida?

OSZ: Well, y—

DUR: OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T! All of the greatest people I know come from Florida. There’s Party Pete, Scrummy Pete, Big Pete, Carny Pete, Professor Pete, One-Tooth Pete, Hobo Pete, Pete Pete, Re Pete, and Clem.

OSZ: Aren’t they all in jail or rehab?

DUR: EVERYBODY’S GOTTA PAY THEIR DUES! Listen, my time with the Dr. Oxy Motorcycle Club has been the best time of my life. [background noise again—bees?]

OSZ: Motorcycle club? You don’t have a motorcycle, Roy.

DUR: I don see what difference that makes.

OSZ: So you don’t ride with them?

DUR: OF COURSE I DO!

OSZ: How?

DUR: I ride bottom balloon. [noise grows louder]

OSZ: What? Is that like riding bitch?

DUR: Sort of. It’s part of their Florida runs. Listen, it’s complicated, I don’t expect you to unnerstand, just like you can’t seem to understand the greatsness of Tebow.

OSZ: What is that noise? Where the hell are you, Roy?

DUR: Arright, arright… Carny Pete hooked me up with a private cab in the ferris wheel at the fair, said I could stay here tonight as long as I cleared out by noon. Figgered isssafer than trying to drive home.

OSZ: You don’t have a car. Or a license. It got rev—

DUR: Shhh shh shh shh shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

OSZ: Wait, did Aunt Margaret kick you out again?

DUR: [humming in the background—a ferris wheel! Yeesh.]

OSZ: What did you do?

DUR: She doesn’t care for my friends. Says they’re dangerous with their motorcycles, and their sawed off shotguns, and their needles and stuff.

OSZ: [sigh]

DUR: Listen, can we get back to the Eagles? I mean, come on, man! [beginning to cry] It’s all I have left, and—

OSZ: No. Just don’t.

DUR: [emotional] You’re the only one I can talk to, Zero! You leave me alone tonight and I don’t know what I’ll do.

OSZ: [sigh] I’m not playing this game again.

DUR: If you really care about—

OSZ: Tebow got sacked.

DUR: [suddenly angry] What did you s—

OSZ: Yeah, three times. For big losses.

DUR: You little sh—

OSZ: IT’S THREE IN THE GODDAMN MORNING, YOU’RE SLEEPING IN A FERRIS WHEEL, IT WAS JUST A PRESEASON GAME, AND TEBOW IS A FUCKING BUST!

DUR: Why you fucking runt, YOUR BROTHER WILL ALWAYS BE BETTER THAN YOU!

OSZ: STOP CALLING ME!

[Call ends]