Hard Ride to Nowhere (Chapter 1)

Scene:  F.B.I. Headquarters.  Inside several agents are meeting with local law enforcement about a new gang taking the country by storm.

FBI Director:  EZJrSo, men, tell me what you’ve got on these…what are their names again?

Agent #1: Door Flies Open, sir.  We have no idea what it means.

Agent #2:  But we do know they’re bad news, sir…bad news.  

Agent#1:  That’s right, sir.  But at great risk and significant cost to our men, we were able to gain custody of a set of their gang colors.  I’ve got to warn you, sir, it isn’t pretty.

FBI Director:  All right, all right, enough drama.  Let’s see the thing.

Agent #1 opens the closet and takes out the denim vest.  He hesitates, then turns it around.

DFO MC Patch

FBI Director:  Gah!  That’s…that’s hideous!  Good lord, I never even imagined… And that..that thing in the middle…what is it?

Agent#2:  We don’t know for certain, sir, but they seem to worship it.

FBI Director:  This bunch of hoodlums disturbs me more & more.  What else have we got on them?

Agent #1:  Well, sir, we have some of their achievement patches.  We don’t know what they all mean, but…

FBI Director: All right, let’s see them.

Agent #1:  This patch is a popular one, sir.  Most of the DFO members wear it.

Patch Dont Care

FBI Director:  But what are they saying here?  What don’t they care about?

Agent #2:  Anything, sir, and everything.

FBI Director:  What about this one?  It’s just a bunch of nonsense.

Patch CMCIDY
Agent#2:  It means “Call Me Chick, I Dare You.”  It’s worn by female members of the gang.

FBI Director:  There are women in the DFO?  What kind of woman would associate with these reprobates?

Agent #2:  Evidently very intelligent, highly educated ones, sir.  We had a man attempt to get close last year.  He tried to gain entry by bragging about his…prowess, sir.

Agent #1 holds his hands nearly a foot apart

FBI Director:  So?  I would think that type of talk would impress these…people.

Agent #2:  Not really, sir.  One of the women commented that, statistically, judging by his height, weight and ethnic background, it was 92.4% likely that he was…below average.

Agent #1 holds his hands just a few inches apart

FBI Director:  My…God…

Agent #2:  Yes, sir.  He took it so hard that he ate his gun.

FBI Director:  You mean…?

Agent #2:  Yes, sir.  The chocolate guns you gave out at Christmas last year.  He ate the whole thing in one sitting, then moved on to the Easter basket that you handed out in April.  He’s…he’s gained thirty pounds, sir.  And he never stops crying.

Agent #1, furious, hits the wall

FBI Director:  Get a grip on yourself, man, we have a job to do!  Now tell me more about these patches.  What’s this one?  It looks innocuous enough.
Patch B4L
Agent #1:  It stands for “Banned For Life,” sir.  The DFO members were once part of another organization, the KSK.

FBI Director:  The Ku Klux Klan?  Why, this gets worse all of the time!

Agent #2:  No, sir.  The KSK…it was an organization dedicated to the ridicule of professional football.   When it was corporatized and turned into a profitable part of the United States economy, these DFO types rebelled.

FBI Director (looking at the American flag):  By God, I want these heathens.  I want all of them, do you understand me?

Agent #1:  Yes, sir, and that’s why we came to you.  We have good news, sir.  Great news.  It took months, but…we have a man on the inside.

Cut to: The DFO Clubhouse.  Members are lounging around and empty beer cans are strewn about.  There’s a large box full of magazines in the corner marked “Martin.”  A big-screen television is showing a football game between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans.

OSZ:  I refuse to believe these are real teams.  Look, can’t we watch the San Diego/Cleveland game?

Covalent Blonde (her eye is twitching):  What did I tell you about…Cleveland?

OSZ (looking down, mumbling):  We don’t talk about Cleveland, ever.

Covalent Blonde:  Don’t let it happen again.  Hey, where’s our prospect?

OSZ:  Out front, drinking his half-caf, half-decaf, extra creamy super-duper frappuccino with extra whip.  Why?

Covalent Blonde (yelling):  Hey, newbie!  Get your double-wide in here!

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

PK enters, wiping whip cream off his lip, then licking it off his fingers…then licking it off the side of the cup…then…look, it’s just kind of disturbing, so let’s move on

PK:  Hey, guys!  Boy, it’s hot out there!  I remember seeing a Cubs game back in 1989, and it was hot then, too!  I can just picture Greg Maddux out there on the mound…

Covalent Blonde:  Uh-huh.  Look, meat, we need you to do something for us.  Do it right, and you get this:

Patch GGDS

PK:   Gosh, that’s great!  What does it mean?

PK leans in close, taking out a notepad and pencil

To Be Continued…

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Subscribe
Notify of
79 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

[…] Hard Ride to Nowhere Chapter 1 […]

Covalent Blonde

Is this FBI probe because of something that Horatio is doing in his locker?

(Is it wrong to say that I loved this and that it made me blush a little?)

ballsofsteelandfury

I have the same feeling now that I had when I was a kid and my favorite show had a two part episode and I was watching part one but no one told me.

FUUUUUUUUCKKKK!!!

Can’t next week hurry up and get here already?!?!

Fucking nice job!

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

Beastmode is just killing it- two top-notch posts. I raise a beer in your general direction sir…

Senor Weaselo

This is brilliant. I call dibs on writing the theme music when this gets picked up by HBO/Netflix/Skinamax.

Old School Zero

Besmirching my name embiggens us all.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

how “embiggened” are we talking about here exactly?
(holds his hands nearly a foot apart)

Old School Zero

Keep going.

Senor Weaselo

I’m waiting for the inevitable OSZ/NSZ paradox/sex scene.

NotAnUproxxSpy

I like the cut of this PK’s jib, very intrigued to continue following his daring pursuits

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m assuming I will be the crazy freak with the underwear fetish.

Which is just fine.

Brick Meathook
WCS

For some reason, I’m only seeing this now. I’ll turn in my colors, and you can all take turns hitting me with a pool cue whenever you want.

jjfozz

Where can I get those patches? Because I have a Levi’s jean vest from when I was 8 and I want to wear that fucking thing again. Even if I can only get one arm through it.

Spanky Datass

Um, I put the patch images on my silly tumblr (Properly credited to you/DFO). I hope that’s cool? If not they will be easy to take down.

http://tmv.proto.jp/#!/spankyblr-stuff

Spanky Datass

Some nudity on my tumblr so be warned.

Old School Zero

Wait, there are pictures WITHOUT nudity on tumblr?

Spanky Datass

I’ve heard rumors to that effect. Just muffled whinings really … coming from Horatio’s locker, oddly enough.

Spanky Datass

Yeah, as soon as the original perpetual Dolphins logo gif appeared in the Rive Brogs I made gifs out of everything DrawPlayDave offered Dolphins wise. I’m not even a Phins fan (phan?) so sometimes I feel kinda dirty.

HOW ‘BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!11!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Some of those images look somehow…… familiar….. brings back memories.

ThePirateSloth

gotdamn that was some great fuckin hustle. We’re posting and commenting like the fuckin Commentist Party that we are, not some slapdick football blog.

Now let’s go eat a god damned snack.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess what I’m saying is this post is good enough to make a mannequin excited.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/da37bf458dbbbc50b83eca3b605a81a6/tumblr_mz4vw6KtUf1rn6i5go1_1280.jpg

Covalent Blonde

Do I alone reflexively think of BoS every time I see undies now?

Old School Zero

I’m honored to be a bit player in this drama you’ve created. Well fucking done. Now let’s ride.

/makes motorcycle sounds with his mouth
/slowly pedals his bicycle towards the open road
/has to stop up short when a SUV decides to charge into the Taco Bell parking lot
/falls over

Old School Zero

In fact, I might even be able to make a DFO bike jersey using these at some point. That would be bad ass.

blaxabbath

I would start riding my bike if I had one of those.

Old School Zero

I might do that once you’ve continued on this. Right now I’m picturing a denim background with the patches, but that all can be figured out later. I want to make sure we do it right, but it’ll also depend on how much it’ll cost to throw big graphics onto a custom design.

ballsofsteelandfury

Put me down for one.

ThePirateSloth

A bike jersey? I will totally sport a full on denim vest with these patches.

Can we make one in dog size too? My puppy would proudly sport one for the cause.

laserguru

For those of us who were at KSK from the beginning can we commission a “KSK ORIGINAL” patch?

blaxabbath

“Str8Rothstein”

Cuntler

I’ll take a “You’re right, but go fuck yourself” patch, if you are taking requests.

ballsofsteelandfury

Me too

makeitsnowondem

Awesome.

Why Thank You Eddie

They didn’t mention the initiation is to beat up a random Chiver.

Duchess

Keep Calm and Punch On

You guys know I am going to betray you to the FBI right?

Duchess

Atleast you are not working for the Irish… or are you?

Horatio Cornblower

Oh there’ll be blow back for THAT, believe you me!

/flares nostrils
//bro walks into locker.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I’ll make sure to tell the Feds that Rowles traffics child sex slaves, killed JFK, and is an ISIS agent.

Horatio Cornblower

Well you’ll probably only have to lie about one of those.

WCS

We also works for the Irish.

Horatio Cornblower

This was great. Looking forward to its continuation. I hope we all have shiny white sneakers that never get dirty and, oh yeah, what’s the locker situation in the DFO clubhouse? Asking for a friend.

Duchess

Damn It! We just can’t get lockers all willy nilly we need proof.
/SLAMS FIST ON TABLE
Proof of what? Idk, I just know we need it.

blaxabbath

Really hoping the “PK” is a double agent who is really working for the NFL’s pseudo law enforcement arm.

...

Well, PK is a double *sized* agent.

Lothar of the Hill People

Or a double-chinned agent.

No ofence too our Asian freinds.

(Sheesh, trying to type like PFT Commenter is hard)

Big Black Richard

At least you didn’t go the Parcells route.

Enrico Pallazzo

I vow to you vagabonds that when these agents bring ol’ EP in for questioning, all they will get is…

Hand me the fucking keys, you cocksucker.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In English, please?

Cuntler

This is great. The images are amazing.

Warthog

It’s a Quinn/Martin production!comment image

blordinaryfagicmox

Ima let you finish, but a new challenger has appeared for best football name ever, Pig Howard:
http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/players/215493/
Can he unseat the champ, Lucious Pusey?
http://espn.go.com/college-football/player/_/id/148900/lucious-pusey

Fronkenshteen

Same here, man.

/hoists 3rd coffee

Fronkenshteen

Sorry, was responding to Lothar.

Doktor Zymm

For the record, I assume the FBI director is a JE Hoover type, and is wearing a lacy girdle under his blue suit.

Lothar of the Hill People

I assume the FBI director is more a John Ashcroft type, covering up the groins of nude statues and being morally indignant if someone says “gosh darn.”

Lothar of the Hill People

3 am posts are awesome. Then I have something to do when my son wakes up at 5 am and doesn’t want to go back to sleep.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is a very fine diversion from calling up the girl working the late shift at the college radio station and telling her spooky stories.

jjfozz

Mine always end with, “The guy is inside the house, wearing your panties on his head!”

Wake up the kids just once while telling this story and your wife decides to lawyer up.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

*edit*
We are going with I said this originally, still makes no sense

http://36.media.tumblr.com/593fe4482d3d372aa19aafcd54074ee3/tumblr_ntotgl4NVy1tbs59no1_540.png

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Wait, want my damn edit buttons back. I will edit that nonsense

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This is to hide my shame Beast Mode, you did great

http://p1.pichost.me/i/25/1477795.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Nice hustle at 3 am.

I am changing my DFO gang colors to this though to these

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–w8E6Gk1V–/193wxp0ekwqcsgif.gif

/slaps you on the ass hard

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

*extra “though” brought to you by 3 am typing and trying to fix what was already ok or it was the “to these” either way I fucked up a perfectly good comment

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I look just as bad as I normally do. I am on board backing you up if you claim the 3 pm thing.

Doktor Zymm

3 am is better. This way I have something awesome to read when past me signs me up for shit that requires waking up before 5 am. I’m much more optimistic about consciousness in general now!