Your Last Damn Pre-season Game Open Thread

Think of this evening, the one where the 4th running back on your team tries to beat off the fifth fella, as the scorched brussel sprouts (really gran? for the 29th year in a row you didn’t cook them in bacon like everyone loves? god!) that you have to force down before you get to eat Cookie Puss. Just sit back and enjoy your soon-to-be practice squad quarterback panic and run for his life because he hasn’t adjusted to the speed of the pro game yet. I know it’s a long way down from the unrelenting quality of a regular season Thursday night game but we’ll suffer through it for the Greater Good(ell). Who’s with me? [tumble weed rolls by]  SHUT UP TUMBLE WEED! I WAS TALKING! Anyway…I’ve got a few predictions as to what will happen tonight and in the near future.

-Bills GM Doug Whaley will cut Ryan Fitzpatrick, showing everyone in Buffalo that he is the boss

-Jets fans will continue to cut themselves

-A Jerrah Jones escort, upon seeing his naked body will say to him, “Get me to a nunnery.”

-T.J. Yates will no longer be in the league

-The Eagles new simian mascot, Chimp Kelly,  will go over like gang busters but shortly thereafter will die due to a dreadful misunderstanding and the resulting  ingestion of numerous types of batteries

-The Raiders theme song this year will be “It Doesn’t Really Matter” by Platinum Blonde

-Houston will FINALLY get an NFL franchise

-A backup Chiefs QB will successfully throw a 15 yard out pattern-fans of the team will question themselves as to whether they really saw that happen

-A small child will absolutely wreck The Star-Spangled Banner before a game. His/her parents will be very understanding. Kidding! Their actions will eventually result in the child eventually developing a drug habit.

-In the 4th quarter of each of these games the ratio of white players to all other players will increase dramatically

Now it’s your turn-tell me what’s going to go down.

 

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Horatio Cornblower

Man we flooded DFO today didn’t we? But it’s not every day that Roger Goodell gets so publicly skull-fucked so I guess that’s understandable.

So now it’s time to kick back, relax, and watch some UCONN football.

/turns on TV
//finds most desperate sports channel
///sees UCONN up 4 points on a D-IAA team in the 3rd.

Awwww yeah baby, no surprises, just the way I like it.

King Hippo

I saw it was 9-6 Nova at the half and ,, smgdh on your behalf.

Mother Puncher

Why is every replay during the Browns’ game focusing on the same safety who isn’t involved in any of the plays?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…and now I oversalted the sauce. God I suck tonight.

Sill Bimmons

A couple raw potatoes should take care of that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

that sounds like code for something………

King Hippo

It’s never a total loss, since you DO have a dog.

Senor Weaselo

Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? Why have I never heard that before?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Titans Network” sounds like a yuppie dating website that the Winklevoss Twins would have invented.

WhyEaglesWhy

“Teen Titans Network” sounds like a dating site that Jared would have invented.

King Hippo

You misspelled “tween”

WhyEaglesWhy

Holeee shit. Tebow made the team tonight.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know, if I ever needed a clip to show why Tebow is having a hell of a time getting on the field in meaningful games for an NFL team, that touchdown would be really useful. Despite the touchdown, that was TERRIBLE.

WhyEaglesWhy

It was, but we have to remember he’s competing with Matt Barkley. Who is also terrible.

Senor Weaselo

There was a pirouette and a wobbly attempt at a spiral. Are you saying those aren’t NFL QB-caliber techniques?

King Hippo

You could time him going through his progressions with a muthafuckin sundial.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah. A sundial on PLUTO.

Sill Bimmons

MOAR LIEK A SUNDIAL ON VY CANIS MAJORIS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A SUNDIAL ON A TIDE LOCKED PLANET HA HA HA YEAH BABY!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow. Nice job making a wide-open guy in the corner of the end zone have to make a circus catch, Tebow.

WhyEaglesWhy

It’s actually an improvement over last week when he tried to run it in in the exact same situation and got tackled on the 1.

Senor Weaselo

Look at that wobble!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Paul Rudd : Hat :: Tim Tebow : Pass

http://media0.giphy.com/media/g52qWob95XWFi/giphy.gif

laserguru

Fuck it. Time to switch to the vino.
While I watch a lot of college ball, if played poorly it can be a challenge to get through.

King Hippo

Weeks 1 and 2 kind of make me appreciate the NFL having a pre-season. There’s a lot of fecal matter on display.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GAAHHH! I was Getting Schwifty in here and the wife will be home any minute. WHERE’S THE DAMN BLEACH!

Senor Weaselo

So, is all the Jets tailgate food Damon Harrison approved?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ha ha Nick Folk you suck!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

GREENDOWN

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Goddamn this spaghetti sauce is going to be a disaster. Sun gold tomatoes, no onions, thai basil, overdone garlic…

Please help me Italian sausage. You are my only hope.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Now I’m hungry.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

King Hippo

You made enough for the entire class. RIGHT?

laserguru
WhyEaglesWhy

Little splash of white wine or vinegar will rescue it.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“Predator” over “Fury Road?”

I dunno, man…

Beastmode Ate My Baby

I’m a big fan of Predator, actually. Great cast, and Arnie was perfect for his role.

But Fury Road is….DUDEDIDYOUSEETHATOMGTHATWASFUCKINAWESOME!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m still waiting for Carl Weathers to re-emerge as an Africa warlord.

You know it’s going to happen.

King Hippo

The whole Trump shenanigans motivated me to buy “The Politics of Rage” about George Wallace used off Amazon last week. Just finished “Donnybrook” (alternating fiction and non), so I shall start it tomorrow.

laserguru

How did you like Donnybrook, Hippo?

I felt like a did a massive rail of meth after I read it.
Fun times.

King Hippo

FANTASTIC. And he certainly set up an interesting world for a bevy of sequels. Fu is the fucking man.

Between Frank Bill’s writing and the music of Houndmouth, been quite the summer of Southern Indiana discovery. Interesting place.

laserguru

I’m glad you liked it. It was a damn rollercoaster.

I found out that Southern Indiana scares the FUCK out of me and I’ve never even been there.

laserguru

I don’t remember if I mentioned Donald Ray Pollock and I’m pretty sure we’ve had the Daniel Woodrell discussion so you should be set for a few months on you Midwestern/Southern crime noir for awhile. I’m planning on doing a DFO book flies open review for a Woodrell story I just finished.

Fucking epic.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d forgotten how depressing the last week of preseason can be, where “boneheaded fumble or dropped interception” equals “the end of that player’s dream of playing in the NFL”.

King Hippo

If it makes you feel better, look at it this way…that dream was most likely dead anyway.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s true; if you’re on the field in Game 4 of the preseason it’s probably your swan song.

King Hippo

Auditioning for others’ practice squad. And letting your mom see you on tv!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Need to start with some Debbie. Don’t look at the other two like that you fucking perv.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/369f3f2a20f595337f93dfa5425962a3/tumblr_n00xekFeis1rv230uo1_1280.jpg

King Hippo

Seriously, they’re total old hags!

-J.F.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They had an interview with her on NPR basically asked her why she wasn’t fucked up like the other kids; apparently while her mom was pretty exploitive she was also murderously protective.

Sill Bimmons

NICE JOB BARNES

Sill Bimmons

Ex Machina

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Furry Rod.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, sorry, thought the porn parody was out.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“My Bunny?”

– Jason Garrett, aghast

WhyEaglesWhy

Fury Road

litre_cola

I came here for the dick jokes, but I am staying due to the Merkel cleavage. I would give her a GWB massage right now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Geriatrics With Benefits?

The Mighty Feklahr

Can we talk about how happy I am for Touchdown Fahkin’ Tahmmy?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Except for that statement it’s beautiful to see you here. Thought you were lost on the interwebs.

Next is Otto Man.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/0abc7043b1dc25fdeeafa97f621ff2dc/tumblr_mlgu0kguKB1qepf8yo2_250.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

Welcome home, Fek!

Sill Bimmons

They just called Aaron Rodgers “Master Of His Domain.”

I can’t…did they just?…HO LEE FOOK

Senor Weaselo

I think the new Jets drinking game while watching TV, other than every turnover, drive-crippling penalty, drive-extending penalty, and otherwise boneheaded move or decision, is to drink for every different way the announcers try to sidestep talking about Geno Smith getting punched in the face.

Don T

Seeing a still of Mohammed hitting a HR in Yankee Stadium would be less surprising than THAT photo. I can see the headline: “Largesse of Cleavage Calls for Greek Austerity”.

I know where the door is; don’t push.

The Mighty Feklahr

The Jets and The Bears are gonna be great this year.

The Mighty Feklahr

TEBOWCEPTION

Sill Bimmons

You move sixteen tons
Whaddya get?
Another day older
And closer to death.

King Hippo

Like Homer Simpson said, the cool comfort of the grave. All we really have to look forward to.

Ah shit, Giraffeception. Sad Hippo.

Sill Bimmons

I’ll never feel the cool comfort of the grave.

3 hours at 1800 F and I’m back to the dust from whence I came.

King Hippo

oh yeah, same here. Or really, just chuck my carcass into the street, the fuck do I care? The point is…I will finally not be weighed down by fucking obligations and bullshit for a welcome change. WOO!

King Hippo

Nah, Labour Day Monday!

...

So you guys might have heard, but RedZone is free.

And I am watching it.

King Hippo

Holy shit, Goodwill is sponsoring the Colts game.

Sill Bimmons

Followed by a Mercedes S-Class ad YAY MURKA

The Mighty Feklahr

When does my avatar get fixed? Or do I need to try harder?

King Hippo

Linger cursor in upper right corner until the menu option for “edit my profile” appears. Click that, then at the very bottom of the page, use that “avatar” section. DTZM added it to override the weird WordPress shit.

Sill Bimmons

Gravatar is the easiest way.

The Mighty Feklahr

My Tebow Time was trying to get logged in with my phone. HOW THE HELL YA DOIN BAKTAGS?

Sill Bimmons

ghaH ‘ej Duvan choQoylaH’a’, jup! chay’?

King Hippo

Not too bad for carbon-based life forms ,, smgdh

Sill Bimmons

Tebow straight dropback: IN-COM-PLETE

Sill Bimmons

Jets broadcasters DESPONDENT about that last Tebow completion.

King Hippo

He completed one pass, an epic float to a guy with no defender within 20 yards of him. I shared their despondency.

IT’S CLEARLY JEEBUS’ WILL, WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!

King Hippo

DFO should have bought a star-wipe commercial on one of these cheesy fucking broadcasts.

Sill Bimmons

comment image

Sill Bimmons

What you’re really missing out on if you’re not watching RedZone are the fever dreams of the local broadcasting crews across the country.

http://static.tumblr.com/6e11a105b58e5ed588262ddeb97099ce/xhlx2fj/qeOn30uim/tumblr_static_logo.png

King Hippo

You guys been wearing out that only road, eh?

King Hippo

Also, if you see my ex-gf whilst in Ottawa, give her the finger from me.

Sill Bimmons

YES SOMEBODY ELSE ELSE D’YA THINK THE PENS ARE WORTH $750 MILLION???

King Hippo

you must use way better pens than me ,, smgdh

Sill Bimmons

ALSO GET THE HO LEE FOOK I HEAR IT’S FANTASTIC IN OTTAWA

Sill Bimmons

OCTOBOX WOO

Sill Bimmons

THE BIG HOUSE CONNECTION WOO

Sill Bimmons

Where the hell is everybody?

You’re missing out on watching some of the next generation’s most successful college-town franchisees!

My first pick: AJ McCarron, Chick-Fil-A, Tuscaloosa.

King Hippo

RedZone Guy doesn’t even sound coked up tonight. I am disappoint.

Sill Bimmons

SOMEBODY ELSE THANK GOD HOW ARE THE NARCOTICS BRO

King Hippo

Rationed! But I still like.

WhyEaglesWhy

It’s preseason for him, too.

Sill Bimmons

McLeod Bethel Thompson: Your Personal Injury Lawyers!

Sill Bimmons

BARKLEYCEPTION ALREADY

Sill Bimmons

RED ZONE IS FREE I REPEAT RED ZONE IS FREE

Sill Bimmons

Brussels sprouts can also be good broiled with olive oil, lemon juice, crushed garlic and parm cheese.

Sill Bimmons

hey guys