Think of this evening, the one where the 4th running back on your team tries to beat off the fifth fella, as the scorched brussel sprouts (really gran? for the 29th year in a row you didn’t cook them in bacon like everyone loves? god!) that you have to force down before you get to eat Cookie Puss. Just sit back and enjoy your soon-to-be practice squad quarterback panic and run for his life because he hasn’t adjusted to the speed of the pro game yet. I know it’s a long way down from the unrelenting quality of a regular season Thursday night game but we’ll suffer through it for the Greater Good(ell). Who’s with me? [tumble weed rolls by] SHUT UP TUMBLE WEED! I WAS TALKING! Anyway…I’ve got a few predictions as to what will happen tonight and in the near future.
-Bills GM Doug Whaley will cut Ryan Fitzpatrick, showing everyone in Buffalo that he is the boss
-Jets fans will continue to cut themselves
-A Jerrah Jones escort, upon seeing his naked body will say to him, “Get me to a nunnery.”
-T.J. Yates will no longer be in the league
-The Eagles new simian mascot, Chimp Kelly, will go over like gang busters but shortly thereafter will die due to a dreadful misunderstanding and the resulting ingestion of numerous types of batteries
-The Raiders theme song this year will be “It Doesn’t Really Matter” by Platinum Blonde
-Houston will FINALLY get an NFL franchise
-A backup Chiefs QB will successfully throw a 15 yard out pattern-fans of the team will question themselves as to whether they really saw that happen
-A small child will absolutely wreck The Star-Spangled Banner before a game. His/her parents will be very understanding. Kidding! Their actions will eventually result in the child eventually developing a drug habit.
-In the 4th quarter of each of these games the ratio of white players to all other players will increase dramatically
Now it’s your turn-tell me what’s going to go down.
Man we flooded DFO today didn’t we? But it’s not every day that Roger Goodell gets so publicly skull-fucked so I guess that’s understandable.
So now it’s time to kick back, relax, and watch some UCONN football.
/turns on TV
//finds most desperate sports channel
///sees UCONN up 4 points on a D-IAA team in the 3rd.
Awwww yeah baby, no surprises, just the way I like it.
I saw it was 9-6 Nova at the half and ,, smgdh on your behalf.
Why is every replay during the Browns’ game focusing on the same safety who isn’t involved in any of the plays?
…and now I oversalted the sauce. God I suck tonight.
A couple raw potatoes should take care of that.
that sounds like code for something………
Go to bed. Go directly to bed. Do not collect kudos for a well-cooked meal.
It’s never a total loss, since you DO have a dog.
Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? Why have I never heard that before?
“Titans Network” sounds like a yuppie dating website that the Winklevoss Twins would have invented.
“Teen Titans Network” sounds like a dating site that Jared would have invented.
You misspelled “tween”
Holeee shit. Tebow made the team tonight.
I don’t know, if I ever needed a clip to show why Tebow is having a hell of a time getting on the field in meaningful games for an NFL team, that touchdown would be really useful. Despite the touchdown, that was TERRIBLE.
It was, but we have to remember he’s competing with Matt Barkley. Who is also terrible.
There was a pirouette and a wobbly attempt at a spiral. Are you saying those aren’t NFL QB-caliber techniques?
You could time him going through his progressions with a muthafuckin sundial.
Yeah. A sundial on PLUTO.
MOAR LIEK A SUNDIAL ON VY CANIS MAJORIS
A SUNDIAL ON A TIDE LOCKED PLANET HA HA HA YEAH BABY!
“He’s always been on our team.”
-The God Squad
Wow. Nice job making a wide-open guy in the corner of the end zone have to make a circus catch, Tebow.
It’s actually an improvement over last week when he tried to run it in in the exact same situation and got tackled on the 1.
Look at that wobble!
Paul Rudd : Hat :: Tim Tebow : Pass
http://media0.giphy.com/media/g52qWob95XWFi/giphy.gif
Fuck it. Time to switch to the vino.
While I watch a lot of college ball, if played poorly it can be a challenge to get through.
Weeks 1 and 2 kind of make me appreciate the NFL having a pre-season. There’s a lot of fecal matter on display.
GAAHHH! I was Getting Schwifty in here and the wife will be home any minute. WHERE’S THE DAMN BLEACH!
So, is all the Jets tailgate food Damon Harrison approved?
Ha ha Nick Folk you suck!
As it turns out, that guy had plenty of time to bleed.
NAWT REVIEWABLE
http://s3.amazonaws.com/br-cdn/temp_images/2013/10/22/andy-reid-kool-aid-2.gif
GREENDOWN
Goddamn this spaghetti sauce is going to be a disaster. Sun gold tomatoes, no onions, thai basil, overdone garlic…
Please help me Italian sausage. You are my only hope.
Now I’m hungry.
You made enough for the entire class. RIGHT?
Italian sausage? Sylvester Stallone’s dong solves a lot of problems. Just ask pre-mental illness Brigitte Nielson.
Oh Rikki, Rikki, Rikki….
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/wp/index.php/2015/06/14/sunday-gravy-with-yeah-right-the-mother-sauce/
It was right there all the time.
Little splash of white wine or vinegar will rescue it.
Predator: When was the last time you watched a movie with two eventual governors? I mean, aside from Picking Cotton With Bonzo starring Ronald Reagan and George Wallace?
“Predator” over “Fury Road?”
I dunno, man…
I don’t know anything about Fury Road but I’ve watched Predator many times. Maybe it’s a comfort thing. Maybe it’s free on a regular channel. Maybe I’m revisiting my youth. Maybe I think the lack of dialogue during the last half hour was a brilliant piece of film-making. It could be anything, really.
I’m a big fan of Predator, actually. Great cast, and Arnie was perfect for his role.
But Fury Road is….DUDEDIDYOUSEETHATOMGTHATWASFUCKINAWESOME!
I’m still waiting for Carl Weathers to re-emerge as an Africa warlord.
You know it’s going to happen.
The whole Trump shenanigans motivated me to buy “The Politics of Rage” about George Wallace used off Amazon last week. Just finished “Donnybrook” (alternating fiction and non), so I shall start it tomorrow.
I bought “One Man Against The World” on cd and listened to it on the way to Ottawa. Nixon was the most brilliant fuck-up of all time.
How did you like Donnybrook, Hippo?
I felt like a did a massive rail of meth after I read it.
Fun times.
FANTASTIC. And he certainly set up an interesting world for a bevy of sequels. Fu is the fucking man.
Between Frank Bill’s writing and the music of Houndmouth, been quite the summer of Southern Indiana discovery. Interesting place.
I’m glad you liked it. It was a damn rollercoaster.
I found out that Southern Indiana scares the FUCK out of me and I’ve never even been there.
I don’t remember if I mentioned Donald Ray Pollock and I’m pretty sure we’ve had the Daniel Woodrell discussion so you should be set for a few months on you Midwestern/Southern crime noir for awhile. I’m planning on doing a DFO book flies open review for a Woodrell story I just finished.
Fucking epic.
I’d forgotten how depressing the last week of preseason can be, where “boneheaded fumble or dropped interception” equals “the end of that player’s dream of playing in the NFL”.
If it makes you feel better, look at it this way…that dream was most likely dead anyway.
It’s true; if you’re on the field in Game 4 of the preseason it’s probably your swan song.
Auditioning for others’ practice squad. And letting your mom see you on tv!
Need to start with some Debbie. Don’t look at the other two like that you fucking perv.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/369f3f2a20f595337f93dfa5425962a3/tumblr_n00xekFeis1rv230uo1_1280.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/7e0eab082e430d88b0e6d3084eecf2a9/tumblr_nopeyvGJKc1rp0vkjo1_500.gif
Seriously, they’re total old hags!
-J.F.
Given what she was exposed to at such a young age, I’m astounded that the girlie on the left is not only alive but seemingly well-adjusted.
They had an interview with her on NPR basically asked her why she wasn’t fucked up like the other kids; apparently while her mom was pretty exploitive she was also murderously protective.
http://38.media.tumblr.com/1159dc20fc2d3faca77f0cce42c790b7/tumblr_mlgu0kguKB1qepf8yo3_r1_250.gif
NICE JOB BARNES
Looks like I’m a watching a movie. Please place your vote. Unlike you poor bastards there are more than two choices.
Predator (1987)
Age of Ultron
Ted 2
Fury Road
Paper Towns
Inside Out
Ex Machina
Bunny’s First Anal*
*may not be an option
Ex Machina
Furry Rod.
Oh, sorry, thought the porn parody was out.
If I watch that one it’ll be with my hands over my eyes.
“My Bunny?”
– Jason Garrett, aghast
Fury Road
I came here for the dick jokes, but I am staying due to the Merkel cleavage. I would give her a GWB massage right now.
Geriatrics With Benefits?
Can we talk about how happy I am for Touchdown Fahkin’ Tahmmy?
Except for that statement it’s beautiful to see you here. Thought you were lost on the interwebs.
Next is Otto Man.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/0abc7043b1dc25fdeeafa97f621ff2dc/tumblr_mlgu0kguKB1qepf8yo2_250.gif
Welcome home, Fek!
They just called Aaron Rodgers “Master Of His Domain.”
I can’t…did they just?…HO LEE FOOK
I think the new Jets drinking game while watching TV, other than every turnover, drive-crippling penalty, drive-extending penalty, and otherwise boneheaded move or decision, is to drink for every different way the announcers try to sidestep talking about Geno Smith getting punched in the face.
Seeing a still of Mohammed hitting a HR in Yankee Stadium would be less surprising than THAT photo. I can see the headline: “Largesse of Cleavage Calls for Greek Austerity”.
I know where the door is; don’t push.
The Jets and The Bears are gonna be great this year.
TEBOWCEPTION
You move sixteen tons
Whaddya get?
Another day older
And closer to death.
Like Homer Simpson said, the cool comfort of the grave. All we really have to look forward to.
Ah shit, Giraffeception. Sad Hippo.
I’ll never feel the cool comfort of the grave.
3 hours at 1800 F and I’m back to the dust from whence I came.
oh yeah, same here. Or really, just chuck my carcass into the street, the fuck do I care? The point is…I will finally not be weighed down by fucking obligations and bullshit for a welcome change. WOO!
http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/24/95/78/249578b3ccdaddac6b01fd15dbd1777c.jpg
King, don’t you have a road trip tomorrow?
Nah, Labour Day Monday!
So you guys might have heard, but RedZone is free.
And I am watching it.
http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/its_working_star_wars.gif
Holy shit, Goodwill is sponsoring the Colts game.
Followed by a Mercedes S-Class ad YAY MURKA
When does my avatar get fixed? Or do I need to try harder?
Linger cursor in upper right corner until the menu option for “edit my profile” appears. Click that, then at the very bottom of the page, use that “avatar” section. DTZM added it to override the weird WordPress shit.
Gravatar is the easiest way.
The topper of my day-no NFL games on the tube. Still, I have my choice of two CFL games.
[reaches for something sharp]
My Tebow Time was trying to get logged in with my phone. HOW THE HELL YA DOIN BAKTAGS?
ghaH ‘ej Duvan choQoylaH’a’, jup! chay’?
Not too bad for carbon-based life forms ,, smgdh
Tebow straight dropback: IN-COM-PLETE
Jets broadcasters DESPONDENT about that last Tebow completion.
He completed one pass, an epic float to a guy with no defender within 20 yards of him. I shared their despondency.
IT’S CLEARLY JEEBUS’ WILL, WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!
DFO should have bought a star-wipe commercial on one of these cheesy fucking broadcasts.
What you’re really missing out on if you’re not watching RedZone are the fever dreams of the local broadcasting crews across the country.
http://static.tumblr.com/6e11a105b58e5ed588262ddeb97099ce/xhlx2fj/qeOn30uim/tumblr_static_logo.png
/sitting in a hotel room in Ottawa, gonna order me some Chinese food
//six and a half hour trip ended up being 8 hours due to construction
///still VERY pissed about that
You guys been wearing out that only road, eh?
Also, if you see my ex-gf whilst in Ottawa, give her the finger from me.
One thing about women in Ottawa. WOW! One of them even spoke to me in the beer store line!
YES SOMEBODY ELSE ELSE D’YA THINK THE PENS ARE WORTH $750 MILLION???
you must use way better pens than me ,, smgdh
ALSO GET THE HO LEE FOOK I HEAR IT’S FANTASTIC IN OTTAWA
OCTOBOX WOO
THE BIG HOUSE CONNECTION WOO
Where the hell is everybody?
You’re missing out on watching some of the next generation’s most successful college-town franchisees!
My first pick: AJ McCarron, Chick-Fil-A, Tuscaloosa.
RedZone Guy doesn’t even sound coked up tonight. I am disappoint.
SOMEBODY ELSE THANK GOD HOW ARE THE NARCOTICS BRO
Rationed! But I still like.
It’s preseason for him, too.
McLeod Bethel Thompson: Your Personal Injury Lawyers!
BARKLEYCEPTION ALREADY
RED ZONE IS FREE I REPEAT RED ZONE IS FREE
Brussels sprouts can also be good broiled with olive oil, lemon juice, crushed garlic and parm cheese.
hey guys