Bucs Preview with #CaptainWarrenSapp

[Dfo-claimer: This preview should be read at high volumes. Preferably in a residential area. Welcome aboard.]

Captain’s Cabin Door Flies Open

Warren Sapp: YAARRR Mateys! Welcome to Captain Warren Sapp’s 2015 Tampa Bay Bucs preview! I’m ye scurvy dawgs Captain, Warren Sapp. Joining me in this parlay as always is my faithful first mate, Coach Lovie Smith.

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Sapp: Okie dokie. Our first guest tonight is Cornerback and cannon fodde… I mean loader C.J. Wilson.

C.J. Wilson: Thanks for having me.

Sapp: Yar. Now, shipmate C.J., you had an unfortunate accident during the offseason, correct?

Wilson: Yes. (holds up bandaged hand). I, uh, was celebrating with fireworks on the 4th of July and inadvertently burned my hands.

Sapp: How is that going to affect ye olde curveball for the remainder of the season?

Wilson: Pardon?

Sapp: Nothin’ like takin’ a few of ye olde digits off to prove your loyalty to the NFL. Coach Schiano would definitely be proud!

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Wilson: Well, yeah, I’m stepping away from football for a while to refocus and take a look at my options.

Sapp: Ye scurvy dawg. Well at least you’ve got yer car dealership to fall back on, now that you’ll be out of two professional sports.

Wilson: What? Oh, I think your mistaking me for C.J. Wilson the pitcher for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Warren. I’m

Sapp: Captain.

Wilson: Pardon?

Sapp: Captain. Ye shall address me as Captain on this Galleon, ye scurvy dawg.

Wilson: Oh. Uh, ok?

Sapp: (grabs mop & bucket from behind the desk). Now, swab the poop deck with Pine Sol! YO HO HO!

Wilson: Look man, I’m not a pitcher!

Sapp: It’s a new day in America and you can love whoevah you want howevah you want, brotha. Ain’t that right first mate Coach Lovie Smith?

Lovie Smith: (Thousand yard stare into the camera)

Sapp: Save ye olde Jap Motor money sucka… I mean brotha! Now, our next guest is a Heisman Trophy Winner and former National Champion and recently anointed starting Quarterback for the Bucs. Please welcome land lubber Jameis Winston, YO HO HO!

Jameis Winston: (mugs for the camera) I’m just so blessed to be here right now. I want to thank the lord for

Sapp: YARR, WINNNNNSTON! Let’s get right to it ye land lubber. Now, you got into some controversy over some legs’n’crab in the past. Is that true? Tell ye tale to the Krew of the S.S. Buccaneer.

Winston: Well, first I just want to thank Jesus for giving me the opportunity to be here. I’m scrong you

Sapp: Why didn’t you call a parlay?

Winston: A what?

Sapp: Parlay. Bro, Ye Olde Captain got into a situation with some crabbies before Super Bowl XXXVII. Caught ’em from a Cantonese hooker I did. YO HO HO! Me and Simeon Rice “Pounded the Rock” we did! Even brought along ye olde A-Train! Coach Gruden was so mad, almost “this guy’d” us for Booger McFarland! So ye Captain called a parlay… Yar.

Winston: (squints) Huh? I, uh, scrong?

Sapp: Educate this landlubber first mate Coach Lovie Smith.

(Both look over at Lovie)

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Winston: I tell ya, Warren

Sapp: Captain.

Winston: …Captain, I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past but I’m thankful that the Buccaneer’s organization ha

Sapp: YAR! Ye land lubber, we get it. Yer thankful to be on the Galleon known as the S.S. Buccaneer Captained by yours truly. Yar.

Winston: Wait, isn’t this someone’s backyard?

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera, reaches into pocket)

Sapp: Well, that’s all the time we’ve got for ye scurvy dawgs! Join us next week with our guests Mike “A-Train” Alstott and Mike Evans! YAR! Walk the plank ye scurvy dawgs, YO HO HO!

ALLEEEEEEEEXXX: Warren Sapp? Dude, are we filming another (corporate brand redacted) commercial?

Sapp: Naw dawg, about that… How do you feel about lettin’ ye Olde Captain crash for a while?

Production Notes/End Credits

Notable Additions: Jameis Winston (QB), Kwon Alexander (LB), Ali Marpet (OG), D.J. Swearinger (CB), Connor Barth (HA), Chris Conte (HA! HA!), Alterraun Verner (CB)

Notable Losses?: Josh McCown (QB), Tim Wright (TE), C.J. Wilson (boom BOOM)

Vegas Odds: 2-14, Verdict: 4-12

Offense Short Form: Ayo, the Bucs organization drafted Jameis Winston who I’m pretty sure is some sort of Idiot Savant when it comes to football. All of the Offensive skill players are returning: Vincent Jackson (WR), Mike Evans (WR), Austin Seferian-Jenkins (TE, possible breakout), and something called a Hamster of Muscle. The Offensive line is, uh, does Lovie Smith even know what a serviceable O-line looks like? Also Offensive Coordinator Dirk Koetter is here, he must’ve been offended by Matt Ryan’s dirty jokes last season (Here at DFO we only tell Dick Jokes).

Defense Short Form: Da’Quan Bowers, Major Wright, Alterraun Verner, D.J. Swearinger… Leading the league in cool/badass names.

/sighs

Also, Booger McFarland is still retired.