Bucs Preview with #CaptainWarrenSapp

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Sep

Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season.
Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open.
WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)
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[Dfo-claimer: This preview should be read at high volumes. Preferably in a residential area. Welcome aboard.]

Captain’s Cabin Door Flies Open

Warren Sapp: YAARRR Mateys! Welcome to Captain Warren Sapp’s 2015 Tampa Bay Bucs preview! I’m ye scurvy dawgs Captain, Warren Sapp. Joining me in this parlay as always is my faithful first mate, Coach Lovie Smith.

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Sapp: Okie dokie. Our first guest tonight is Cornerback and cannon fodde… I mean loader C.J. Wilson.

C.J. Wilson: Thanks for having me.

Sapp: Yar. Now, shipmate C.J., you had an unfortunate accident during the offseason, correct?

Wilson: Yes. (holds up bandaged hand). I, uh, was celebrating with fireworks on the 4th of July and inadvertently burned my hands.

Sapp: How is that going to affect ye olde curveball for the remainder of the season?

Wilson: Pardon?

Sapp: Nothin’ like takin’ a few of ye olde digits off to prove your loyalty to the NFL. Coach Schiano would definitely be proud!

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Wilson: Well, yeah, I’m stepping away from football for a while to refocus and take a look at my options.

Sapp: Ye scurvy dawg. Well at least you’ve got yer car dealership to fall back on, now that you’ll be out of two professional sports.

Wilson: What? Oh, I think your mistaking me for C.J. Wilson the pitcher for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Warren. I’m

Sapp: Captain.

Wilson: Pardon?

Sapp: Captain. Ye shall address me as Captain on this Galleon, ye scurvy dawg.

Wilson: Oh. Uh, ok?

Sapp: (grabs mop & bucket from behind the desk). Now, swab the poop deck with Pine Sol! YO HO HO!

Wilson: Look man, I’m not a pitcher!

Sapp: It’s a new day in America and you can love whoevah you want howevah you want, brotha. Ain’t that right first mate Coach Lovie Smith?

Lovie Smith: (Thousand yard stare into the camera)

Sapp: Save ye olde Jap Motor money sucka… I mean brotha! Now, our next guest is a Heisman Trophy Winner and former National Champion and recently anointed starting Quarterback for the Bucs. Please welcome land lubber Jameis Winston, YO HO HO!

Jameis Winston: (mugs for the camera) I’m just so blessed to be here right now. I want to thank the lord for

Sapp: YARR, WINNNNNSTON! Let’s get right to it ye land lubber. Now, you got into some controversy over some legs’n’crab in the past. Is that true? Tell ye tale to the Krew of the S.S. Buccaneer.

Winston: Well, first I just want to thank Jesus for giving me the opportunity to be here. I’m scrong you

Sapp: Why didn’t you call a parlay?

Winston: A what?

Sapp: Parlay. Bro, Ye Olde Captain got into a situation with some crabbies before Super Bowl XXXVII. Caught ’em from a Cantonese hooker I did. YO HO HO! Me and Simeon Rice “Pounded the Rock” we did! Even brought along ye olde A-Train! Coach Gruden was so mad, almost “this guy’d” us for Booger McFarland! So ye Captain called a parlay… Yar.

Winston: (squints) Huh? I, uh, scrong?

Sapp: Educate this landlubber first mate Coach Lovie Smith.

(Both look over at Lovie)

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera)

Winston: I tell ya, Warren

Sapp: Captain.

Winston: …Captain, I know I’ve made some mistakes in the past but I’m thankful that the Buccaneer’s organization ha

Sapp: YAR! Ye land lubber, we get it. Yer thankful to be on the Galleon known as the S.S. Buccaneer Captained by yours truly. Yar.

Winston: Wait, isn’t this someone’s backyard?

Lovie Smith: (thousand yard stare into the camera, reaches into pocket)

Sapp: Well, that’s all the time we’ve got for ye scurvy dawgs! Join us next week with our guests Mike “A-Train” Alstott and Mike Evans! YAR! Walk the plank ye scurvy dawgs, YO HO HO!

ALLEEEEEEEEXXX: Warren Sapp? Dude, are we filming another (corporate brand redacted) commercial?

Sapp: Naw dawg, about that… How do you feel about lettin’ ye Olde Captain crash for a while?

Production Notes/End Credits

Notable Additions: Jameis Winston (QB), Kwon Alexander (LB), Ali Marpet (OG), D.J. Swearinger (CB), Connor Barth (HA), Chris Conte (HA! HA!), Alterraun Verner (CB)

Notable Losses?: Josh McCown (QB), Tim Wright (TE), C.J. Wilson (boom BOOM)

Vegas Odds: 2-14, Verdict: 4-12

Offense Short Form: Ayo, the Bucs organization drafted Jameis Winston who I’m pretty sure is some sort of Idiot Savant when it comes to football. All of the Offensive skill players are returning: Vincent Jackson (WR), Mike Evans (WR), Austin Seferian-Jenkins (TE, possible breakout), and something called a Hamster of Muscle. The Offensive line is, uh, does Lovie Smith even know what a serviceable O-line looks like? Also Offensive Coordinator Dirk Koetter is here, he must’ve been offended by Matt Ryan’s dirty jokes last season (Here at DFO we only tell Dick Jokes).

Defense Short Form: Da’Quan Bowers, Major Wright, Alterraun Verner, D.J. Swearinger… Leading the league in cool/badass names.

/sighs

Also, Booger McFarland is still retired.

 

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Sep
Gratuitous Simpsons References League Champion, Inaugural 2014 season. Benevolent Champion, gentle lover, mysteriously dapper. These are a few of the superlatives whispered in the dark corners of the world about me. I promise to only add the most head-scratchingly inane comments and never, ever stimulate the conversation as long as the doors are open. WITNESS ME: writingprocrastination (instragram)
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SepOld School ZeroMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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Old School Zero

Damn good job Sep. Go get some pizza. Or nachos. Or nacho pizza.

ballsofsteelandfury

Late Night Open Thread is up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

…and we’re back.

Did you know that Trader Joe’s has bottles of Smirnoff Gala Apple vodka on sale for like $5? I do.

WCS

Any of you dickshits read “Killing Pablo”? The Colombian drug wars have always been an interest of mine, but, something that’s always been on the back-burner, due to other priorities. Netflix’s “Narcos” has definitely rekindled that fire. The book seems like the logical next step.

King Hippo

I look forward to watching Boise/Starbucks on the DVR over morning coffee. I’m too old for this 2 am shit if I want to make it through tomorrow’s slate.

G’night, fellow assdicks.

WCS

Late nights are a young man’s game.

/realizes today is another birthday
//realizes is getting older
///pours another drink
////has another smoke

ballsofsteelandfury

Stay up. Late night SF coming up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Here’s to posts not getting deleted, unless this one is, in which case cheers anyway.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4c96ivvuj1qabn9uo1_500.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
WCS

Baylor-SMU is over, even if there’s over eight minutes to play. Washington at Boise State should be a good’un.

Whenever we get to see it…

Cuntler

So, this site no longer works on the WordPress app. Oh well

King Hippo

When we’uns were shitting on The Doors earlier, I was reminded of my idea of making a Jim Morrison biopic with Elmer Fudd in the title role. Just to hear him say, trying to be all serious and spooky-like, “cancel my subscription to the resurrection.”

You know, in Elmer Fudd.

WCS

Today is marks my completion of another lap around Sol.

http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/t_original/19e044yem88ftgif.gif

King Hippo

I have Tussionex syrup. This is helping me deal with Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals lead shrinking to 5.5 games, and my life generally just being the shitheap that it is. All things are better with liquid hydrocodone!

ballsofsteelandfury

Just rub some Tussin on it!

Happy Birthday!

King Hippo

We resurrected MUCH faster than teh Jeebus. TAKE THAT, Teebs and Dunge!

WCS

FUCK THE CARDINALS

King Hippo

your nawt even using lube tonight ,, smgdh

laserguru

Yer gattam right, WCS.

Still love ya Hippo.

King Hippo

When you two groups of fuckers have your little one game play-in, make sure it goes 20+ innings. And that the Dirt Stillers win.

laserguru

That’s fucked up, man.

King Hippo

Just the theoretical possibility of losing a playoff series to the Small Bears…I can’t even begin. That would be a hellscape from which I could never never emerge.

So my subconscious guards against it with all the imagination it can muster, even if the matchup is better.

WCS

Hola, amigos.

ballsofsteelandfury

We’re back!

laserguru

I will admit, I’m seeing a much faster response and a much faster feed. It worked!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

@Moose Gif me “Avast Ye Mateys”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would but a bunch of my posts got deleted.

monty this seems strange to me

Moose is having PTSD flashbacks to the final Uproxx days.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They got deleted on your thread. How can people delete a Charlie’s Angle original cast post? That just doesn’t seem possible.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

We’re back ladies and gentlemen. Let the drinking begin.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Was it just me or did this site crash for a couple of hours.

Why Thank You Eddie
Why Thank You Eddie

I always assume its my fault and I should have done a better job. But yes, I think it crashed.

laserguru

Our overlord DTZM was migrating us to a newer and faster neighborhood. He said there will be more poonanie here.

blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

As long as there aren’t any of, you know, THOSE people, it will be better.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A bunch of my posts got deleted from the music thread. Oh well, not any good ones anyway.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t turn your back on Cap’n Sapp!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Why Thank You Eddie
Why Thank You Eddie

Aww. Mom and Dad on graduation night. Good times.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is glorious! Captain Sapp’s Sea Adventures needs to become a recurring thing…

Excellent job!

Wakezilla

The best thing about Jameis Winston is that he can play the role of both player and coach. If there’s anyone who can teach the O and D-line how to impose their will over their opponent through sheer penetration without getting flagged, it’s Jameis.

SonOfSpam

Are people from Tampa called Tampons or just White Trash?

sunrisesunrise

And Da’Quan Bowers just got released. Bucs defensive line must be that good.

/moves TB defense up draft board

Cuntler

Lovie was always a good defensive coach, I’ll give him that. Right Lovie?

Lovie Smith: (Thousand yard stare into the camera)

blaxabbath

I was of the “why the fuck would you draft Winston? He’s not going be a successful NFL quarterback (as is the case with many good qb’s who just end up on shitty teams).” Kinda a JFF 2.0.

I was wrong about Cam though and, admittedly, I’ve come to like the guy. Here’s hoping Jameis Fucking Football can avoid being….RG3, I guess, is the best comparison.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s okay to like Cam, though, because Cam wasn’t a rapist.

blaxabbath

You don’t need to rape when you have smile.

GO FIX YOUR GRILL, BEN!

Cuntler

Judge* Sapp holds this preview in contempt!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
packman_jon

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh a new puzzle! I assume the question is to identify whether this gif is from a porn video or from a graduate level course at the University of North Carolina.

packman_jon

TRICK QUESTION! It’s both.

Enrico Pallazzo

So we all agree that “Alex the #1 Bucs Fan” no longer roots for the Bucs since Warren Sapp refuses to leave his boat/house due to having nowhere else to go, right?

jjfozz

Is the Good Captain still up for anything?