No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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IronAvenger6491

brb, gotta drop my dad off at the airport.

JustStopDude

What the fuck…my viewing options in Roanoke Va are Mia at DC (understandable) and Panthers at Jags.

Why the fuck that second game?!?

Senor Weaselo

It’s close enough that the Panthers are the second team as opposed to the Ravens, I guess.

JustStopDude

As a transplant from Baltimore, I know its a fucking conspiracy by the NFL to piss me off forcing my TV the two joke franchises that shouldn’t fucking exist.

King Hippo

Same bullshit slate in NC. Solely RedZone for me!

...

FEEL THE TEAL

Lord Joe Don Looney

Warming up Red Zone. Wondering if I need to wear socks if I watch any of the Buffalo game.

And yes, I am ready for some football.

laserguru

Oh shit kids, here we go.
Game time
Aaaarrggg&hggggggg

Romonobyl

Decisions decisions….
GB/CHI or KC/NC*

*Nobody Cares

King Hippo

Best part of today – I won’t even be tempted to track baseball scores. FUCK YOU, BASEBALL!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait, you’d be tempted anyway?

Porky Prime
IronAvenger6491

I guess i’ll watch Hodor vs the Bills.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Wouldn’t be surprised if the Bills pull off the upset. The Colts’ D is still ten kinds of awful.

...

Oh man. There will be so much tubing if that happens.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

The Browns unis are seriously terrible.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Yeah, but now they actually match their performance.

Infinite Jets

All of Nike’s “improvements” they’ve implemented since taking over the NFL’s uni design have been pure dogshit (Seahawks, Bucs, Browns)

Senor Weaselo

The Seahawks at least don’t have entirely awful unis. Like, there’s a couple redeeming qualities.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HOT FASHION TAKES!!

IronAvenger6491

Why does Sunday Ticket have to be so expensive for it to be on Xbox-One?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

New season
New avatar
Same old sorry ass jokes.
Let’s get it on!

Senor Weaselo

Well, looks like Lord and I are responsible for translating Trent Green today.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No pants.

Balls, Martin and other did some great work on the LateNight Open Thread last night, so if you have not looked it is worth a check. My DJing was not so popular, butt hay.

http://36.media.tumblr.com/97b100e2addf49a33ec4e7ced73d0d3e/tumblr_muj2dliARN1qhjb1io1_1280.jpg

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Is this thing on? Cuz it’s about to be On.

Senor Weaselo

Did anyone else read “Goodell sucks” and “I have a boner” wrong?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Goodell would suck the wrong boner but it would still bring in revenue and make the owners happy.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Damn Leicester came from down 2 with less than 30 minutes to play.

King Hippo

And now they’re AHEAD? Man, what an interesting footy side.

John Difool

“It’s a great day to be a Brown…”

Things you may overhear in a mental hospital

Porky Prime

–Things not heard during the Zoot Suit Riot

King Hippo

or the Trump rally

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or Ted’s underwear.

Grummmmble

I’m on babysitting duty for the early games, so it’s leftover Chipotle with home-added extra cheddar and sour cream. God, their chips are so salty. Quick: what beverage is good when your mouth is salty?

laserguru

Beer.

Senor Weaselo

They are salty, but there’s a hint of something in there too. Lime maybe?

Grummmmble

Yeah, definitely some lime. If you eat too many without sour cream, salsa, or cheese, it can get a little cloying, but they’re a great platform for dipping.

theeWeeBabySeamus

For NFL opening Sunday, I’m feeling strangely anti-climactic. Might have to do with the expected upcoming beatdown in Denver.
I must hate on the Hippo for the next 8-ish hours, but my hate-adjacent feelz for Joe Flacco will likely go on unabated.

So fuck it, let ’em roll. Not as if there’s anything better to do.

King Hippo

I wish I was as confident of said beating as you are! Still, in CJ and Von we trust. The passing game will be viewed through interlaced fingers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My only hope is that high voiced Pey Pey shows up, and his mates dogpile him in the lockerroom (and not in the good way, LMAO) pre-game.

BobPoppa

Howie Long is right, Brady’s off the field behavior has been above reproach, just ask his ex wife.

laserguru

A glorious breakfast sandwich: scramble a couple of eggs, top with some shredded sharp cheddar and serve on toasted, buttered rye bread. That should hold me until grilling time.

Holy shit, it’s really here. It’s really opening day.
Yeeee Haaaaaawwwww let’s get sexy!!!!!

Porky Prime

Wife made scrambled eggs with beef chorizo (fuck you soy chorizo) and sharp cheddah along with half a pack of bacon and some tortillas.

Basically, she’s already batting 1.000 today.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

My boss barged his way into our office league and demanded to be my co-owner, because he thinks I’m smart. Now he’s trying to make trades. Sigh.

Senor Weaselo

I don’t want to say that you’re completely fucked, but… you’re completely fucked.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Yeah, I may be too poor to run this place soon if I make the wrong free agent moves.

Porky Prime

comment image

BobPoppa

Finally figured out how to log into this site. You have to do it from a desktop with an internet connection, apparently.

Senor Weaselo

I’m awake, I’m awake. What’d I miss?

CBQUE

Hey guys checking in and hoping that everyone enjoys today. Thanks to the beauty of Directv I ‘ll be focusing on GB-CHI and KC-HOU. Try to be here for Sunday Night. Too much noise in my house. Be well people.

King Hippo

Thanks to injuries (Spiller), poor auction planning at WR, and the Le’Veon suspension, I am starting the dreaded double TE alignment (Kelce and Clay) in my money league. I have never won (0-6) with such an alignment. The site has me as a 48.6 point underdog. WOO!!!

Doktor Zymm

I’m having fun jersey spotting on my way to the bar. Not as many around as I would have expected.

indieguy

Whose ready for disappointment! #Failforcardell

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Yoi sure about that, Ohio State QBs are notorious for being atrocious NFL QBs.

indieguy

At this point i dont think it can get any worse unless we moved to Oakland

Doktor Zymm

It is perfect football weather today. Hooray for autumn! Once I finish watching the curbstomping I should find a bar with outdoor seating for the late games.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Your beer, it’s here, if you’re going to stare at my tits at least TRY to be subtle about it.”

– my waitress in 2 hours

...

“Or at least tip generously–NO I DIDN’T MEAN PUT THE MONEY THERE.”

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Broadcast Maps.
http://506sports.com/

Charge of the Light Brigade

Boys I’m going to be at the brewery(working in the malted beverage industry has it’s advantages) yelling at the screen. Probably won’t be on here again till the late games. Just wanted to ask, shouldn’t the crotch of her panties be the endzone, not the 50 yard line? Unless of course it’s on her ass. Happy day drinking to you all!

laserguru

I would plow her north 40.

...

I dunno. Getting inside the 20 may not be as good as think it’ll be.

Porky Prime

Charge, God bless the beermakers. God bless them, every one.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

There is something else I like about the EPL, it leads in nicely with the start of the 1PM games so I don’t have to subject myself to the pregame shows.

...

Oh shit, that’s a good idea. I had actually chosen dead silence and a black screen over any of the chucklehead power hours.

...

Anyone else still think of Panthers vs. Jaguars as the Expansion Bowl? I get a little excited to see all of those popular mid-90’s colors together in one place.

Spanky Datass

Hot links and brats from the local smoke joint.
yeah right’s latkes with a fried egg, green onion and parm topper.
A bomber of Southern Tier Brewing’s ‘Creme Brulee’ stout … as a starter.(Bourbon later)

laserguru

Now there ya go!
Seriously if you get a chance add a little bit of grated granny smith apple to the latke recipe. It really works well.

Spanky Datass

Got a pear tree loaded with fruit in my back yard so I’ll try that. Thanks!

...

Finally, I’ll get the chance to see some vintage Cutler derp face as he’s sacked, injured, and replaced by a Human-Emu hybrid.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

They’re still there – is that bad?

laserguru

It’s a toss up for the first game, I’m thinking Colts Bills but the bros are here so it’s Saints Cards and Chargers Lions for the afternoon session. My long lost wandering brother is here too and he’s a Cowboys fan. How the hell did that happen?
Time to get up and get some breakfast and get this party started!
Football fuck yes.

Doktor Zymm

Is cava and orange gatorade still technically a mimosa?

laserguru

I’m not sure what that is. It sounds rehydrating though.

bourb0nblues

It’s on the correct wavelength.

John Difool

It’s not so much that whoever replaces Gruden will be equally as bad or worse in as much that Dan Snyder sucks so bad he actually has the power to make once great or good coaches suck too and tarnish their legacies after coming to Factory of Sadness East.

Doktor Zymm

True. I pity whatever QB the [*Redacted] s draft with the #1 pick next year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It’s here, it’s sheer, and it’s not going away.”

– my wife, describing her new nightgown to a very disappointed Rikki

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey kids, who’s already drinking?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I just remembered that the place BoS and I are going has some kind of mimosa deal. So, nothing at the moment, but soon I’ll be drinking beer, because mimosas are for pussies*.

*Chicago Bears starting quarterbacks

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m a total girly drink guy, actually. My buddies used to bring a full sized umbrella to the bar to make fun of my penchant for umbrella drinks.

packman_jon

Presented without comment
comment image

packman_jon
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

The mythical Bears win over the Packers, what a fantasy.

Doktor Zymm

I would root for failure so Chubby Gruden gets fired, but no one with any sort of options would coach under Snyder anyway, so whoever replaced him would be just as bad or worse.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Dennis Allen, step right up!

Doktor Zymm

Well I did my healthy thing for the day. Time to have some sort of greasy breakfast on my way to wallow in misery with my own kind while drinking overpriced rail whiskey! WOOO! I figure I’ll start with beer, then switch to the hard stuff when Suh stomps the fuck out of Cousins, so about 2 minutes into the game.

makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

packman_jon

PANTS CHECK

(no pants)

King Hippo

RedZone Channel all the way!!!!!

Holy fuck, First Sunday is much better than sex.

/in theory, it’s been awhile

//also, this probably means am not very good at teh sex

packman_jon

I mean, both our sexual partners and the NFL want to fuck us, it’s just that the NFL wants anal and won’t cuddle with us after sex

...

That and they have a thing for smacking out heads against the table.

John Difool

Drinking? Ohhhhhhhh yes, please. Eating? No fucking way I’m watching Skins/Phish with food in my stomach.

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