I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
I benched the Ravens’ D for the Vikes.
Christ on a fucking cracker.
hey guys
GO BUCS (the good, non-rapey kind)
How was your commute?
PEYTONTHROW.EXE COMMAND FAIL
ABORT/RETRY/FAIL?
Peyton finally gets a touchdo—- oh for fuck’s sake.
Pey-Pey goes pick six.
There’s something enjoyable about watching football when your team doesn’t play until tomorrow. You can just enjoy the game without the stress.
Tomorrow is a different story.
My employees better not fuck up tomorrow that’s all I have to say.
Ken Wisenhut trying to hide is rock hard cock.
PeyPey YPA is barely over 4. Not even sack-adjusted.
Andy Samberg shouldn’t be anywhere near considered finest of anything.
I’ll admit that I was completely anti-Brooklyn 99. Gave the show a chance and really enjoy it.
But it’s a couple seasons in now so I’m sure it’ll start getting stale.
The Munsters theme, wtf Fox..
Mariota is some kind of wizard.
And Winston is an ogre.
NOT the kind you like, Alabama.
Gotta go pick up food. Tell Baltimore and Denver not to do anything exciting while I’m go…
Oh. Never mind.
Gotta pick up food too…before the FG Gods feast on that, too.
I don’t get the prevalence of buttoning the top button without wearing a tie an a button down shirt.
Why didn’t I bid on Abdullah? WHY????????????????
Does Andy Reid weight loss mean we can’t make those Kool-Aid Man jokes any more? Because I’m not ready for a world without those.
Andy Reid in the locker room looked like he was wearing a smock to slaughter cows.
Chris Simms now begging us not to change the channel during a 24-0 game.
Holy shit, that Kelce touchdown looked like Madden practice.
There’s a black guy playing in the Bundesliga? You know who’d be rolling over in his grave about that right?
Avery Brundage. That guy was douche.
I still find it amusing how Jermaine Jones doesn’t know a lick of English and plays for the US internationally.
Do they feed chickens on the Cardinals’ turf during the week?
It was Free chicken night at Arizona.
“Free Bird” was trade marked.
I thought the same thing. They’re supposed to have this elite indoor/outdoor field system and the field looks like shit.
Then again it is in Arizona so it’s like 135 degrees when the roll the field outside.
R.I.P.
ANY SEMBLANCE OF OPTIMISM ABOUT THE RAIDERS’ SEASON
TIME OF DEATH: 5:50 PM ET
“Russell Wilson turns to the Jewish god, following today’s loss.”
“Russell Wilson converts to Islam and changes his name to Russ al-Wilson following today’s loss.”
ELITE checkdowns for all!
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/643179765197877248
A winner is Ape.
https://twitter.com/xmasape/status/643180417928024068
Buccos walk off the Brewers in 12, after trailing 6-1 in the third. FUCK YOU HIPPO
I didn’t even folllow scores today, didn’t know Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals won until like 15 minutes ago.
TODAY IS TOO SACRED TO BE SULLIED BY EL BEISBOL.
ESPN trying to figure out how to get out of showing O’s in primetime tonight.
Hoping the KC bump will cancel out the B’more suck in the ratings dept.
Not sure if I’ll make it to the Giants game-there’s alotta drink going on.
You’ll live honey. Come on over to Buddy’s! We have shooters specials all night!
And if you like pre-game poppers, you’re in luck.
Love the KITH!
You think Ben has found some bars with real football in gay ole Paris?
He probably hasn’t found any with wifi, but there are baguettes and berets ERRYWHUR
Archie – King Cold
Peyton – Frieza/Robot Frieza
Eli – Cooler
Cooper – Cryonics?
Cooper =
Guldo
HEY! That’s an insult to Cooler!
I think Luke McCown hears the words “Wait, you’re a professional football player?” more than any other human alive.
“Joe Flacco is one of the greatest home run hitters in the NFL.” Uh… okay.
“And that speedy colored fella leads the NFL in triples every year!”
Moar halftime babes while FG Gods feast in BAL/DEN before their halftime
http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-rc1236-a.jpg
As much as I’ve been looking forward to real footballing, I’m not sure if I’m emotionally prepared for the night game.
Just drink brah
I picked Dallas in both my suicide pools. What could possibly go wrong?
everything.
Manning face combined with Cowboys loss. It’s the only thing we Skins fans have to look forward to now.
You’re allowed to root for a meteor to strike the stadium.
First game in decades played entirely between the 30s.
Man, fuck DraftKings.
Those commercials are EVERYWHERE
/realizes he has McManus
/smiles smugly
/also realizes he has Peyton
/smile fades
Brandon McManus: Fantasy MVP
I have him on both teams, and neither has a fucking chance to win.
He’s killing my waiver priority in my money league, though!
In my big play league I had Lockett and Austin on my bench today. I AM UPSET
Yeah, you probably did get upset.
Got a good ol’ fashioned fieldgoalkakke in Denver.
The NFL refers to them as “defensive struggles.”
Holy shit fuck you Hyundai.
#BecauseFootball
After that play Andre Caldwell feels like the forgotten Manning brother.
Day of the Over-throw.
I don’t want to be too hasty, but I think it’s pretty fair to say at this point that Mariota is probably the greatest QB of all time.
MOAR hot FG action!!
Crablegception!
Holy shit Jameis.
Philip Rivers’ ride into the SD sunset is off to a rousing start.
He has a bumper sticker that reads “LA OR BUST” on his minivan.
He will QB the L.A. Santorum next season and be pleased as punch (as long as he doesn’t google the alternate definition).
Phil Simms has a hair do shaped like something you could hammer out a sword or a new pair of shoes for your horse on.
THE THING ABOUT BLACKSMITHING, JEEM…
I see the old science they used to rebuild Peyton is beginning to fail.
It’s a weird science.
The seals on his steam engine are breaking down in the higher altitudes.
CSI: The Original One is ending? Our long national nightmare is—
/Sees CSI: Cyber was renewed for a second season
Damn it.
What? That’s a real show?
It is AMAZINGLY bad. I can watch terrible gifs of episodes for hours.
How many times do they reroute the encryptions each episode?
It’s Scorpion for…well, it’s also for dumb people.
Define “real show”
I hope Norm plays Col. sanders as just Norm Macdonald dressed as Col Sanders.
I really enjoyed Darryl though…
That’s essentially what his State Farm commercials were.
Fuck this I’m going to reheat Chinese food and see how many beers it takes me to forget I’m watching Denver-Baltimore.