Taste the Pants-Free Lifestyle-Your Late Games Open Thread

I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…

Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.

Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.

Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.

Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.

NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…

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King Hippo

I benched the Ravens’ D for the Vikes.

Christ on a fucking cracker.

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

WCS

GO BUCS (the good, non-rapey kind)

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

How was your commute?

WCS

PEYTONTHROW.EXE COMMAND FAIL

ABORT/RETRY/FAIL?

entropy

Peyton finally gets a touchdo—- oh for fuck’s sake.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Pey-Pey goes pick six.

laserguru

There’s something enjoyable about watching football when your team doesn’t play until tomorrow. You can just enjoy the game without the stress.
Tomorrow is a different story.

My employees better not fuck up tomorrow that’s all I have to say.

Spur

Ken Wisenhut trying to hide is rock hard cock.

King Hippo

PeyPey YPA is barely over 4. Not even sack-adjusted.

IronAvenger6491

Andy Samberg shouldn’t be anywhere near considered finest of anything.

blaxabbath

I’ll admit that I was completely anti-Brooklyn 99. Gave the show a chance and really enjoy it.

But it’s a couple seasons in now so I’m sure it’ll start getting stale.

IronAvenger6491

The Munsters theme, wtf Fox..

Spur

Mariota is some kind of wizard.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

And Winston is an ogre.

King Hippo

NOT the kind you like, Alabama.

Horatio Cornblower

Gotta go pick up food. Tell Baltimore and Denver not to do anything exciting while I’m go…

Oh. Never mind.

fleshwound_NPG

Gotta pick up food too…before the FG Gods feast on that, too.

I don’t get the prevalence of buttoning the top button without wearing a tie an a button down shirt.

King Hippo

Why didn’t I bid on Abdullah? WHY????????????????

entropy

Does Andy Reid weight loss mean we can’t make those Kool-Aid Man jokes any more? Because I’m not ready for a world without those.

John Difool

Andy Reid in the locker room looked like he was wearing a smock to slaughter cows.

Mother Puncher

Chris Simms now begging us not to change the channel during a 24-0 game.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Holy shit, that Kelce touchdown looked like Madden practice.

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a black guy playing in the Bundesliga? You know who’d be rolling over in his grave about that right?

Avery Brundage. That guy was douche.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I still find it amusing how Jermaine Jones doesn’t know a lick of English and plays for the US internationally.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Do they feed chickens on the Cardinals’ turf during the week?

IronAvenger6491

It was Free chicken night at Arizona.

Mother Puncher

“Free Bird” was trade marked.

laserguru

I thought the same thing. They’re supposed to have this elite indoor/outdoor field system and the field looks like shit.

Then again it is in Arizona so it’s like 135 degrees when the roll the field outside.

HeadBeeGuy

R.I.P.
ANY SEMBLANCE OF OPTIMISM ABOUT THE RAIDERS’ SEASON
TIME OF DEATH: 5:50 PM ET

IronAvenger6491

“Russell Wilson turns to the Jewish god, following today’s loss.”

Senor Weaselo

“Russell Wilson converts to Islam and changes his name to Russ al-Wilson following today’s loss.”

fleshwound_NPG
Senor Weaselo
WCS

Buccos walk off the Brewers in 12, after trailing 6-1 in the third. FUCK YOU HIPPO

King Hippo

I didn’t even folllow scores today, didn’t know Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals won until like 15 minutes ago.

TODAY IS TOO SACRED TO BE SULLIED BY EL BEISBOL.

theeWeeBabySeamus

ESPN trying to figure out how to get out of showing O’s in primetime tonight.
Hoping the KC bump will cancel out the B’more suck in the ratings dept.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

You’ll live honey. Come on over to Buddy’s! We have shooters specials all night!

And if you like pre-game poppers, you’re in luck.

VonTazeMeBro

You think Ben has found some bars with real football in gay ole Paris?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

He probably hasn’t found any with wifi, but there are baguettes and berets ERRYWHUR

IronAvenger6491

Archie – King Cold
Peyton – Frieza/Robot Frieza
Eli – Cooler

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Cooper – Cryonics?

IronAvenger6491

Cooper =
Guldo

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

HEY! That’s an insult to Cooler!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I think Luke McCown hears the words “Wait, you’re a professional football player?” more than any other human alive.

Senor Weaselo

“Joe Flacco is one of the greatest home run hitters in the NFL.” Uh… okay.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“And that speedy colored fella leads the NFL in triples every year!”

fleshwound_NPG

Moar halftime babes while FG Gods feast in BAL/DEN before their halftime
http://supermodelboutique.com/Full/SH-rc1236-a.jpg

Romonobyl

As much as I’ve been looking forward to real footballing, I’m not sure if I’m emotionally prepared for the night game.

VonTazeMeBro

Just drink brah

King Hippo

I picked Dallas in both my suicide pools. What could possibly go wrong?

laserguru

everything.

John Difool

Manning face combined with Cowboys loss. It’s the only thing we Skins fans have to look forward to now.

entropy

You’re allowed to root for a meteor to strike the stadium.

entropy

First game in decades played entirely between the 30s.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Man, fuck DraftKings.

VonTazeMeBro

Those commercials are EVERYWHERE

MikeWallaceAndGromit

/realizes he has McManus
/smiles smugly
/also realizes he has Peyton
/smile fades

HeadBeeGuy

Brandon McManus: Fantasy MVP

King Hippo

I have him on both teams, and neither has a fucking chance to win.

He’s killing my waiver priority in my money league, though!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

In my big play league I had Lockett and Austin on my bench today. I AM UPSET

Senor Weaselo

Got a good ol’ fashioned fieldgoalkakke in Denver.

entropy

The NFL refers to them as “defensive struggles.”

Mother Puncher

Holy shit fuck you Hyundai.

#BecauseFootball

entropy

After that play Andre Caldwell feels like the forgotten Manning brother.

Romonobyl

Day of the Over-throw.

Spur

I don’t want to be too hasty, but I think it’s pretty fair to say at this point that Mariota is probably the greatest QB of all time.

King Hippo

MOAR hot FG action!!

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Crablegception!

Col. Duke LaCross

Holy shit Jameis.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Philip Rivers’ ride into the SD sunset is off to a rousing start.

entropy

He has a bumper sticker that reads “LA OR BUST” on his minivan.

King Hippo

He will QB the L.A. Santorum next season and be pleased as punch (as long as he doesn’t google the alternate definition).

John Difool

Phil Simms has a hair do shaped like something you could hammer out a sword or a new pair of shoes for your horse on.

HeadBeeGuy

THE THING ABOUT BLACKSMITHING, JEEM…

IronAvenger6491

I see the old science they used to rebuild Peyton is beginning to fail.

Senor Weaselo

It’s a weird science.

entropy

The seals on his steam engine are breaking down in the higher altitudes.

Senor Weaselo

CSI: The Original One is ending? Our long national nightmare is—
/Sees CSI: Cyber was renewed for a second season
Damn it.

VonTazeMeBro

What? That’s a real show?

entropy

It is AMAZINGLY bad. I can watch terrible gifs of episodes for hours.

HeadBeeGuy

How many times do they reroute the encryptions each episode?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

It’s Scorpion for…well, it’s also for dumb people.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Define “real show”

I hope Norm plays Col. sanders as just Norm Macdonald dressed as Col Sanders.

VonTazeMeBro

I really enjoyed Darryl though…

Mother Puncher

That’s essentially what his State Farm commercials were.

entropy

Fuck this I’m going to reheat Chinese food and see how many beers it takes me to forget I’m watching Denver-Baltimore.