I don’t actually follow many sports. I give greater than average attention to my college basketball team and local NFL franchise; about average consideration to my college football team and my favorite NFL franchise; and then, everything else, whatever happens to be on blast when I turn on the radio/television/social media. Obviously the NFL monopolizes most of the headlines but I somehow still know what baseball teams are good (having not watched an inning all season), how the NBA expects to benefit from reseeding the playoffs (having watching exactly five minutes of the 2015 The Finals), and that Serena was nearing a Calendar Year Grand Slam until she lost to some Italian players. I also don’t care much about fantasy because I’m in these ridiculous [DFO] leagues and you’ll go crazy trying to track what the hell needs to happen to make your chances of winning favorable versus your ATS picks which, in my world, are what really matter.
So, from a guy who watched one regional game yesterday and the second half of SNF (always a rotten experience and last night did not disappoint), below are a list of water cooler talking points you may want to be aware of:
QB Injuries: Derek Carr (OAK) and Josh McCown (CLE) were knocked out and replaced by their respective backups in losses. Your Response: (re: Carr) Bet the Raiders are kicking themselves for releasing Christian Ponder now. (re: McCown) “You know, I started Manziel in Fantasy yesterday.”
Other Significant Injuries: DeSean Jackson (WAS), Luke Kuechly (CAR), Antonio Cromartie (NYJ), T.Y. Hilton (IND), Terrell Suggs (BAL). Your response: Fuck that. Did you hear about that ref who got his collar-bone busted. Can’t believe they want to put women out there.
National Coverage: In the last two minutes, the Giants gave away a game that the Cowboys spent the first 58 minutes trying to give away. Not sure if Eli’s clock management (throwing an incomplete vs taking a sack) or the Giants defense (running the prevent defense should cost you a third round pick) was more to blame. Your response: You knew Romo wasn’t going to blow it. It’s not December yet.
Social Media Activities: Russell Wilson tweeted “1-0” BEFORE being upset by the Rams. Rams social media, of course, made fun of this post game. Your response: (1) The Lord continues to try this young man. (2) The Rams D is looking scary good and they will hold the [*Redacted] s to 0 everything next week. (3) “You better believe the Seahawks are going to use this as motivation until the rematch in Week 16. Gonna be a big game.”
Commercials: Luke McCown is funny talking about how important ‘backup’ things are. Various Rob Lowes watching cable have been replaced by high voice Peyton Manning. But, more or less, it’s all about shitty domestic beer, shitty domestic trucks, and fuck-you-all-we-need-to-send-in-Lougher insurance companies just throwing out random ‘jokes’ followed by their jingle/logo. Your response: Bud Light is making NFL logo cans for 28 NFL teams. Glad to see that the Packers didn’t make the cut but they recognized the importance of putting a big ol’ racist [*Redacted] s logo on these special edition products. You see? This is the kind of shit that wouldn’t happen if AB was still American.
MNF: Tonight is PHI at ATL (early) and MIN at SF (late). Your response: Why are they opening the season with such shitty teams on the MNF match ups? No no….I’ll definitely be watching.
Someone turned the McCowncopter into a Gif, right? It has a special place in my heart, along side the Rosen variety.
http://cdn1.vox-cdn.com/assets/4225989/Rosencopter.gif
Found it!
He doesn’t get nearly the height the old Chrebetcopters used to achieve, but props for maintaining the “blades out” posture all the way until the crash.
Apparently not chopper-McCown first flight experience…
The reason why Bears, Packers, Vikings, and Cowboys do not have Budlight Cans is because those 4 teams have thier own deals.
Bears have a partnership with Coors because IDK before the Rockies came around everyone in Colorado were Cubs fans?
Cowboys have Miller Lite… Miller Lite is the most Texas beer in that it’s got big brand name appeal and constanlty tries to act like they are different than thier arch rival (re:California/Budlight)
Vikings: Is With Miller Lite because the Vikings arnt good enought to get in the good deals on their own and it is hard to be #upforwhatever when you’re constantly feeling Minnesota.
Packers have a deal with a local supplier who sells mixture of melted cheez whiz and Pabst Blue Ribbon. If you’ll buy that I’ll throw a meaningless owners certificate with absolutely no value or benefit for $250.
Forgive the ignorance. I thought there was some sort of thing that allowed there to be both a national campaign involving all teams, and that individual teams can have their own deal as well? Like the league is Pepsi, but Jerry can also sell Coke. I hear Jim Irsay wants a similar, albeit powdery deal.
The Colts stadium will have an Oxy/Ecstacy concession? Sounds perfect for Indianapolis.
I think the National deals only pertain to the Shield. Pepsi and Bud Light are the official soft drink/beer of the NFL. Now the other teams may have their own separate or gone in together for a joint deal with AB.
Also I think the team logo beers are local things I have a friend who is in the south who grew up a [*Redacted] fan and asked me to ship him a [*Redacted] case because he doesn’t have them where he lives.
Aren’t Lite and Coors both owned by MillerCoors? And aren’t MillerCoors and the NFL both owned by VerizonChipotleExxon?
The Raiders are “reaching out” to Ponder, which is incredibly sad for both parties. However, that also means Samantha is a lonely housewife, and if porn has taught me anything, sexy times are afoot.
“Sexy times are afoot?” /cums
– Coach Rex
Bears-Pack surprisingly wasn’t a complete shit-show. I mean, there was actually a competent staff relaying calls into the offense on a timely basis. Sorry, I mean one that was on the Bears’ sideline for a change. That said, “Why are they opening the season with such shitty teams on the MNF match ups? No no….I’ll definitely be watching,” is completely on point. This applied to all Thursday night game over the season.
You guys are all racist towards Thursday night games. Monday night games are statistically worse. Ppl forget that IMO.
/Denver v. KC this Thursday is good
//Jacksonville v. Tennessee on Thursday every season is bad
Oh noes, I am already GET HYPE for TN/JAX. That is so bad it’s GOOD. I just get extra crunk and comment my ass off.
You all just are looking forward to this Thursday because you want to point and laugh at poor, dead PeyPey.
I know I am!
I actually like Peyton, because of the whole “Eli’s brother” thing, but I hope he either a) shuts everyone up by throwing a bunch of touchdown passes, or b) if his throwing arm really is gone, he’s allowed to bow out with a certain amount of dignity.
I hope you right.
The Rams sure do love some snark considering their lifelong lease in the NFC West basement.
Very nice write up. Nothing really under the radar yet.
/Must. Resist. Gloating. Only. Road. Victory. At. Tampa.
TB is going to have back to back #1 overall QB draft picks.
It’s done remarkably well for the Edmonton Oilers for the last 10 years.
/ expects scorn for hockey reference; hides behind passport.
A note to the two FF leagues here I entered: the Yahoo account that I have been using got re-hijacked, and Yahoo refuses to let me sign on with a new one, because my (real) email address is still associated with the Colombian violinist’s account.
So until/unless Yahoo lets me start a new account with that email address and then transfer my FF teams to that account, Brady’s Velvety Anus and the Vaginal DisChargers will be zombie teams. Sorry.
Shoot snow a message, maybe he can let you sign in under his commissioner account?
As a Raiders fan, I have honestly never been so disappointed by my team’s performance in their first game of the season in my entire life. And I now believe that the concept of “sharps” is a complete myth, as the “sharps” were supposedly betting on Oakland.
I bet you feel like someone ripped your head out of your helmet and then slammed your head into your helmet . . .
I keep watching #67 stand back to avoid getting involved. And he’s the third ref to throw his flag. The other two throw theirs while jumping into the fray.
I like how 67 is the first ref on the scene but the last to throw a flag. “Let ’em play!”
Pacman gon shine. Ho, he gon fuk up dem Rayders. BULLEE DAT.
THAT’S REAL FAWBAWL
Fucking cretin, I hope your dog hits hit by a meteor.
Early sources say PacMan’s not even going to get suspended for this. Presumably Roger Goodell will announce this while wearing a “FUCK THE RAIDERS” t-shirt.
If I read Sill’s FF scoring rules correctly, DeMarco Murray needs to take five steps forward, three steps back, touch his nose, then pirouette into the end zone three times, plus the bowels of hell open up and Julio Jones is literally sucked under the ground into the fiery abyss right at the 50 yard line, in order for me to beat DTZM this week.
I think if DeMarco Murry opened his bowels in the end zone three times, you’d win. Hell, we’d all win if he did that.
“Hey, opening your bowels in the end zone is MY thing!”
Doug Baldwin
http://www.theczabe.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/baldwin_poop.jpg
Did you see KVV’s gaudy 267 points? What the hell, man, this really IS the Insanity league.
I lost by starting the fucking Manningbot 2000, and if it weren’t for the Jets D’s monster thrashing of the Factory of Sadness, my score would be even more putrid. The Snatchgoblins are going to have one rough week at practice.
I missed all football yesterday except for the Ravens-Donks shitfest – and the last two minutes of the Giants-Dallas shitfest.
I spent the day at a memorial mass followed by a huge Italian lunch with way too much red wine, and followed that with an Orioles game that meant nothing, but the kids were happy.
I’m sure you are all riveted by this news – but I missed the first Sunday of the NFL season, and someone better feel sorry for me.
Sorry man. No one should endure going to a baseball game, especially during Week 1. I just hope you were appropriately sloshed to swallow that debacle in DEN. I still hate BAL, but even I would mentally light a candle for Suggs’s Achilles vigil.
I appreciate the hatred of Suggs from other fans, and the hatred of Baltimore, but that’s a big blow for the team. A mass drowning of Ravens fans at the Inner Harbor would not be a surprise, but all that purple camo and facepaint would foul waters that are already quite foul.
In terms of “fun” I’m thinking the funeral likely beat out that shit Donks/Ratbirds game (hell, I watched the whole thing cheering for the WINNING side and it sucked balls) and certainly attending el beisbol.
King Hippo, it was a memorial mass, but yeah it beat out that game. Sausage and peppers out shines anything.
That’s a rough Sunday, man. It can only get better, right?
(Looks at tonight’s slate of games, sobs uncontrollably)
Right there with you. I spent yesterday driving around the Oregon coast with the kids and then to the airport. I watched about an hour of Giants v. Cowboys on the plane, but since I don’t give a shit about those teams, I felt like I didn’t see anything. The Bears-Packers highlights seemed familiar, though.
That’s an acceptable reason to miss, though. The Oregon coast is my favourite place on Earth. I would love to have a unabomber shock of sorts (with flat screen, good wifi, cable, etc) overlooking the Pacific in Yachats when my chill’uns leave the nest.
You okay, man? Did you turn Canadian over the weekend or something?
scotchy is subliminally converting us all ,, imo