Get Out Alive: Quick Responses at the Office Cooler

I don’t actually follow many sports. I give greater than average attention to my college basketball team and local NFL franchise; about average consideration to my college football team and my favorite NFL franchise; and then, everything else, whatever happens to be on blast when I turn on the radio/television/social media. Obviously the NFL monopolizes most of the headlines but I somehow still know what baseball teams are good (having not watched an inning all season), how the NBA expects to benefit from reseeding the playoffs (having watching exactly five minutes of the 2015 The Finals), and that Serena was nearing a Calendar Year Grand Slam until she lost to some Italian players. I also don’t care much about fantasy because I’m in these ridiculous [DFO] leagues and you’ll go crazy trying to track what the hell needs to happen to make your chances of winning favorable versus your ATS picks which, in my world, are what really matter.

So, from a guy who watched one regional game yesterday and the second half of SNF (always a rotten experience and last night did not disappoint), below are a list of water cooler talking points you may want to be aware of:

QB Injuries: Derek Carr (OAK) and Josh McCown (CLE) were knocked out and replaced by their respective backups in losses. Your Response: (re: Carr) Bet the Raiders are kicking themselves for releasing Christian Ponder now. (re: McCown) “You know, I started Manziel in Fantasy yesterday.”

Other Significant Injuries: DeSean Jackson (WAS),  Luke Kuechly (CAR), Antonio Cromartie (NYJ), T.Y. Hilton (IND), Terrell Suggs (BAL). Your response: Fuck that. Did you hear about that ref who got his collar-bone busted. Can’t believe they want to put women out there.

National Coverage: In the last two minutes, the Giants gave away a game that the Cowboys spent the first 58 minutes trying to give away. Not sure if Eli’s clock management (throwing an incomplete vs taking a sack) or the Giants defense (running the prevent defense should cost you a third round pick) was more to blame. Your response: You knew Romo wasn’t going to blow it. It’s not December yet.

Social Media Activities: Russell Wilson tweeted “1-0” BEFORE being upset by the Rams. Rams social media, of course, made fun of this post game. Your response: (1) The Lord continues to try this young man. (2) The Rams D is looking scary good and they will hold the Redskins to 0 everything next week. (3) “You better believe the Seahawks are going to use this as motivation until the rematch in Week 16. Gonna be a big game.”

Commercials: Luke McCown is funny talking about how important ‘backup’ things are. Various Rob Lowes watching cable have been replaced by high voice Peyton Manning. But, more or less, it’s all about shitty domestic beer, shitty domestic trucks, and fuck-you-all-we-need-to-send-in-Lougher insurance companies just throwing out random ‘jokes’ followed by their jingle/logo. Your response: Bud Light is making NFL logo cans for 28 NFL teams. Glad to see that the Packers didn’t make the cut but they recognized the importance of putting a big ol’ racist Redskins logo on these special edition products. You see? This is the kind of shit that wouldn’t happen if AB was still American.

MNF: Tonight is PHI at ATL (early) and MIN at SF (late). Your response: Why are they opening the season with such shitty teams on the MNF match ups? No no….I’ll definitely be watching.