In September of 2015, the U.S. Justice System declared the NFL’s disciplary efforts were in violation of due process laws. In the wake of this historic decision, the league found itself unable to enforce discipline amongst its players. The NFL attempted to force all disciplinary procedures to be settled through arbitration, and subsequently the players union demanded a new collective bargaining agreement and refused to cooperate with any of Roger Goodell’s rulings. The result: chaos.
EXT. DOWNTOWN DETROIT – NIGHT
Open over a backdrop of urban decay, followed by a montage of criminals committing escalating acts of violence upon each other. Finally focus in on a group of NFL players gleefully engaged in mayhem in the city streets.
GREG HARDY: [sets abandoned car on fire]
PACMAN JONES: [hits stripper in the face with beer bottle]
STEVE SMITH: [punches pregnant baby]
The players hear the approach of sirens.
PACMAN: Shit! It’s the NFL Disciplinary Committee!
HARDY: NFL Disciplinary Committee’s on strike, stupid!
A lone vehicle careens around the corner and pulls up in front of where the players are gathered.
[car door flies open]
RQBOCOP: OMAHA! ALERT ALERT BLUE FORTY-SIX OMAHA!
CHRIS BORLAND: [raises automatic rifle and points it at RQBOCOP]
RQBOCOP: THINK IT OVER, CREEP
CHRIS BORLAND: [realizes that concussions have rendered him unable to do that, retires quietly into the evening]
DARRIUS HEYWARD-BEY: [pulls pin on grenade to throw at RQBOCOP]
RQBOCOP: DROP IT – OH WAIT I SEE YOU ALREADY DID
DARRIUS HEYWARD-BEY: [explodes]
A speeding van races recklessly towards the melee. RQBOCOP fires at the vehicle – shattering its windshield – and then deftly steps aside. The vehicle crashes into a vat labeled “Toxic Waste”, which ruptures. A noxious liquid gushes into the vehicle, washing the occupant out of his seat and all the way through the back doors onto the pavement. Wheezing and groaning, the deformed monstrosity rises from the sludge and howls in agony.
MATT SCHAUB: Help…me…
The hapless abomination shambles into a roadway, where it is run over by a speeding 6000-SUH.
NDAMUKONG SUH: So long, fuckface! [stomps on gas]
RQBOCOP: [shoots at him, but bullets fall short because NDAMUKONG SUH is already more than fifteen yards away]
PACMAN JONES: [charges at RQBOCOP with a sledgehammer]
RQBOCOP: [hurriedly fires in order to avoid taking contact]
PACMAN JONES: [is wounded, collapses] AHHHH!!!!! HEY MAN, WHY YOU SHOOT ME? You know, I was just being rebellion.
RQBOCOP: [grabs him and pulls a pill bottle from PACMAN’S jacket pocket] WHERE DID YOU GET THESE?
PACMAN JONES: Hey man, I got those at the scrip club.
RQBOCOP: NO DOCTOR WOULD PRESCRIBE THESE
PACMAN JONES: No, man, the scrip club! You know, where the titties at.
RQBOCOP: WHO IS THE SUPPLIER? WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
PACMAN JONES: I don’t know, man. I don’t know!
RQBOCOP: [points gun at PACMAN’s crotch] LAST CHANCE, CREEP
PACMAN JONES: The pizza, man. It’s in the pizza!
[to be continued…]
[…] *The pieces of Peyton Manning were, in fact, eventually put back together by scientists in the Omni Consumer Products cybernetic research division. […]
I just realized, like a month later, that the “Toxic Waste” should have been “Coors Light”.
Jesus Christ, Rikki, this was FANTASTIC. The reason we made this site was for articles like this. WELL DONE.
/Obligatory Slap On Ass – ROBOHARD
You think Pacman gon snitch? Pacman ain’t gon snitch, he gon go to the scrip club and get the pizza. And then he gon make it rain on the puzzy and the pizza. And he gon drank. Bullee dat.
/Chuh chuh
//I await more chaos in Part 2
This is what makes DFO the fastest growing non-union, non-profit dick joke blog on the internet.
/Slaps RTD on the ass…HARD
Wait, I signed up and paid my union dues………. GODDAMN INTERNET RIPOFFS!
http://38.media.tumblr.com/f2a78ddf25bd6311ea7ac43b8cf32ff4/tumblr_nutcxeCKs81qzco77o1_250.gif
Mwahahahaha I bought so much whiskey Moose…
I will share though.
This is fucking great. My favorite part was Darrius Heyward-Bay’s poetic demise.
He seriously is the worst. WHY THE FUCK IS HE JUMPING???
http://i.imgur.com/gEmlOKH.gif
I love football. I love RoboCop.
I love everything about this.
I don’t even want to admit how long it took me to get the RQBCop joke.
It’s hell to get old.
That’s okay, I don’t want to admit how long it took me to think of it, or how much help I had to ask for.
The Dixon Ticonderoga is the Bugatti of pencils.
http://deconstructingproductdesign.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/pencil-med.jpg
This can ONLY end well.
Damn. “Punches Pregnant Baby” was gonna be my Fantasy Football team name.
I forgot to include the “Gratuitous Rick and Morty References” tag.
LET’S GO DO SOME CRIME!
So much beautiful dystopian future!
Well, sorry the clickthrough images didn’t work. I thought they might add a little ZING to things. Maybe I’ll try again next time.
CLOSE ENOUGH; WELL DONE.
Fascinating, truly fascinating.
Fascinating. Truly fascinating.
I like this. Also, hey.
Welp. I am literally headed to Detroit tomorrow. I’ll let y’all know if it’s really as bad as Rikki has researched it to be.
My cousins live in Novi. If you want any suggestions, let me know.
I get to pass by all the poors, luckily. It’s en route to Ann Arbor for me. Going to the Michigan game this Saturday. I’m fucking pumped.
I once drove down Seven Mile on a Friday night. In the space of ten blocks, I saw the following:
1. Old-school outdoor revival church meeting, held in an auto shop parking lot ( made up of folding chairs and a “pulpit” made of cardboard boxes taped together)
2. No less than three drug and/or sex deals.
3. Perhaps my favorite, a corner bar’s doors burst open while I was stopped at the red light, and the man that was thrown through them got up, screamed some obscenities, and was immediately engulfed by what appeared to be every patron in the place coming outside and stomping him. The bartender (identified by the dirty white towel in his hands) came out, shouted, “Every motherfucker who stomped him gets a free shot!” followed by everyone coming back inside. I didn’t even notice the light turn green during this until someone beeped behind me.
I turned around on the next block and scooted right back to Livonia, where I was staying and working for the week. Even I have limits.
test
Predicting The Maestro’s update now: “Hey guys, it’s actually even worse!”
Premo #content.
These multi-part series really get me through the dog days of midweek non-football.
Part 1? There’s more?!
CAN’T WAIT!
http://i.imgur.com/qmzX5nA.png
The “Click Me” pictures don’t seem to work on mobile devices. Or at least not on mine.
Ah, nuts. Thanks for the heads up.
Awesome.
Agreed. This is brilliant. I’m still chuckling about the fivehead on rqbocop.