Derby Days – An EPL Primer (Also JV NFL Preview/Saturday Footy Open Thread)

I don’t have much in depth to say about the Saturday EPL fixtures. They’re all fucking shite. Ah, but Sunday. Sunday, bloody Sunday brings one of the most essential aspects of my Evertonian existence, the Merseyside Derby.

I will fucking spit at you if you call it the “friendly derby.” I have absolutely zero goddamned friendly feelings about the fucking redshite. Yes, I guess it’s a little different by European standards in that one can watch a match in a bar or ride back on the train and manage not to stab anyone…but that’s absence of sociopathy, not friendliness. Even on this side of the Atlantic, where my daily interactions with Liverpool supporters is minimal to say the least, I feel the rage. My oldest daughter’s major spring choral finale closed with “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and it made me visibly fume. Apparently, many grandparents were all weepy because that was a common graduation theme in their era…but mothafucka, that’s THE LIVERPOOL ANTHEM. I remember how happy I was when Steven Gerrard (forever now “Slippy G”) fell down on the pitch, leading to an easy goal that cost the Shite the League title two seasons ago. I feverishly logged onto my Everton forum (NSNO) and typed in simply “WALK ALONE, SHITE!”

My black heart grew three sizes that day.

Last season was a struggle for Everton. But Derby Day can make it all better. As usual, all seemed lost for the Blues at Anfield, until this stoppage time blinder from captain (and CB, no idea he had this in his locker at all, but FUCK IT, anything goes on Derby Day) Phil Jagielka:

Symmetrically enough, I had to drive that same kid to a recital and only had Radio Merseyside (on SiriusXM) for the fateful last 15 minutes. I screamed so loudly from the Meredith College parking lot, I’m surprised campus security wasn’t deployed. Thank God I didn’t stop the DVR in anger when the Toffees went down a goal right as we were about to leave.

It’s a tradition I wish university footy and the NFL would pick up on. Really adds a layer of intensity. The Commentist Party could come up with some clever names, I bet. I’ve been racking my brains to describe the Broncos/Raiders Derby properly, and it just ain’t happening.

Anyway, you have no excuse not to at least watch the first hour (before the Jets/Fins London shitshow starts), and see what it’s all about (8:30, NBCSN). Everton hosts this round, and it will be loud as fuck. We Evertonians are as terrified as Raider fans to be favoured going into this one. IT JUST FEELS WRONG, and more than a little ominous. But you know what? TIMES FUCKING CHANGE. And this Everton squad is really fucking good. Watch Gerard Deulofeu, Ross Barkley, and Romelu Lukaku. Those three are absolute magic together, when clicking.

Arsenal have reclaimed their cherished 4th place (think of that as their Horatio’s locker), and take on newly returned to top of the table Manure at 11 on Sunday (also NBCSN), depending on how bad the London shitshow gets.

Mmmmm…..conference play opens…

West By God Virginia at Oklahoma (Noon, FS1)

How is this game only on FS1, for fuck’s sake? And at noon, to interfere with my wolven angst? Disney and/or Murdoch humping fuckwits. In any event, I like the cousin fuckers to invade methworld and come out with a win as the world scratches its chin and is all like “interesting…”

Louisville at NC State (12:30, ESPN3/ACC Network)

Annoying that this game gets the shit coverage. Florida State/Wake gets feature treatment? Fucking REALLY?? In any event, my wolven sort had to kick co-leading RB Shadrach “Old Testament” Thornton off the team for like his 5th minor-to-medium off-field transgression this week. Forunately, he does not play QB or OL, so the republic should survive. NC State’s offense is legit, particularly QB Jacony Brissett and RB/FB/WR/TE TD Machine Jaylen Samuels don’t worry, too much melanin to become a gritty Greatriot one day). The Fightin’ Petrinos are always dangerous due to their coaching, but they lack the ability to strike at NC State’s weak point (leaky-ass secondary). It’s been raining buckets since the dawn of time in North Carolina, so the field conditions should make for fun viewing, despite the herculean efforts of our excellent turf and grass management department. I can go deeper into this infomercial if’n ya want.

Texas Tech at Baylor (3:30, ABC/ESPN2)

First to 70 wins! Pssst, it will totes be Baylor. I hope you saw the 4th quarter of TCU/TT last weekend, that shit was bananas. Big 12 footy is the tits. Well, not for the purists. But it’s like a nice midday ether binge.

Alabama at Georgia (3:30, CBS)

Roll Damn Tide is an underdog for the first time in like 83 games. BARF. And I am less hostile to Nick Saban’s brand of evil than most (say what you will, they ain’t Notre Dame, THEEE Ohio State, FSU, etc). But Jawja starts a castoff QB from a shit ACC school, so this may not end well for them. But I really, truly think Bama is cooked, at least for this season. They could easily lose this one, home to LSU, and at Starkville. How much Schaden-wanking could you do to a 4-loss Bama team? PAWWWWWLLLL?

Ole Miss at Florida (7:00, ESPN)

Florida may be the dullest 4-0 team in football (non-B1G/ACC edition). But Johnny Reb is quite interesting, especially with their post-Bama hangover game out of their system. Hopefully they will keep rolling until they meet Leonard Fournette and the 21 assholes he carries on his shoulders. That would make for a fun matchup if both remain unbeaten.

Notre Dame at Clemson (8:00, ABC)

Oh shit, the goddamned Irish really are gonna make Satan’s Final Four, aren’t they? It’s really up to Clemson to stop them, unless you trust the Men of Troy or a fucking Tree way more than I do. And as a longtime sufferer of ACC “football” I am all too familiar with the term “pulling a Clemson.” HINT – it’s not a good thing.

NO DVR GAME this weekend. Get up and watch the Merseyside Derby. Consider it an order. I KNOW WHERE YOU ALL LIVE.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Spanky Datass

“We’ll never get to the NFL if we don’t learn how to throw ALL THE FLAGS!” — College officials.

WCS

Karl Joseph is a grown-ass man.

WCS

I don’t see WVU winning this, but, I’m pleased with how they responded in the third. This could have been 41-7 at this point.

Sill Bimmons

Hold the phone there, Norma!

Lothar of the Hill People

Way to keep things respectable, Cousin Fuckers.

blackroseMD1

Responses that may come out of my mouth tomorrow morning:

comment image

Bah Gawd boys, we are doing this.
comment image

Sill Bimmons

welp wva

Bah gawd, West Virginny is making a comeback. Gas up those couches boys.

Sill Bimmons

Can’t tell either.

Sill Bimmons

Something like that.

Wakezilla

Holy shit snacks, Japan won again? They actually might make it to the quarters.

Speaking of the Rugby World Cup, I feel like they need to add more teams. It’s currently such a have/have not international sport that I feel like B countries have a hard time to consistently improve and hang with the big countries.

Wakezilla

I think I need to hook up my PS2 and play Rugby 08 to get some extra rugby fix today.

scotchnaut

Women’s hockey is in the same spot.

Sill Bimmons

yep

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

grumble grumble I don’t know anything about the Stamford Bridge but I can tell you a little something about the Stepford Tunnel grumble grumble

blackroseMD1

I’m pretty sure what TCU is doing to Texas is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Wakezilla

Good morning/afternoon Men.

Do any of you have Uffords steps to breaking up book marked, saved on their computer or remember all the steps? Something they could share on a response? I’ve got a couple of friends I know who could use it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As I remember it, the basics were:

1. Break off all contact – no need to be rude, but get clean separation (“huh?” – Bernard Berrian)

2. Improve yourself – work out, volunteer, etc. You’ll look better and feel better about yourself. That way you can attract a NEW potential mate who will break your heart!

Sill Bimmons

haha fuck you john terry 1 — 3 saints woo

Damn, Chelsea is being bullied this season.

Wakezilla

I guess Abramovich stopped writing checks to FIFA?

Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I always liked Drogba–even before his Chelsea playing days– and thought Chelsea’s super racist fans never deserved him.

Sill Bimmons

haha fuck you john terry 1 — 2 saints woo

Sill Bimmons

Worst England captain EVAR

Wakezilla

@ Sill Bimmons: What about Becks? Remember what he did in 98?

Sill Bimmons

At least he wasn’t fucking everybody else’s wives.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You know your omelette flip needs work when you manage to flip the omelette right out of the pan.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But damn if that sloppy mess didn’t taste like heaven. Ham, cheddar, and carmelized onions.

scotchnaut

Egg-actly.

scotchnaut

*Eggs

scotchnaut

There’s so much going on right now and that doesn’t include Lidia bringing the quality clam sauce on The PBS!

Boomer Sooner

What the fuck does that even mean.

It’s what Mrs. Esiason says after she starts to get sore?

blackroseMD1

Texas is down 30-0 in the 2nd Quarter?

Seems like it’s going to be a good day of footballing.

scotchnaut

The Cardinals have a 6’6″ freshman wideout? Who the Harold Carmichael does he think he is?

Sill Bimmons

Chelsea 1 — 1 Southampton @ half

Pitt 10 — 7 Va. Tech @ half

Sill Bimmons

oh fuck yes

makeitsnowondem

Commentator just called an MSU defensive back’s diving interception of a fourth-down pass a huge play. You know what would have been a huger play? Dropping the interception and getting twenty free yards of field position from the turnover on downs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have often suggested that coaches make their defensive backs wear oven mitts on fourth and long.

Lothar of the Hill People

College teammate of mine intercepted a 4th-down pass with us up by 3 points with a minute or so to go. He picked the ball around our 30, and after almost getting brought down a couple times and nearly coughing up the ball, scored.

As he came off the field, getting high-fived by teammates for giving us a two-score lead, the head coach came up to him and ripped him a new asshole. The next week in practice, we defensive backs had “4th-down drills” every day. Every time we caught the ball during the drill, we had to run laps.

Next game, one of our corners dropped an easy pick, and he was adamant that the reason was because he spent so much time in practice concentrating on not catching the ball.

It’s a hard thing to do, to react in a way completely opposite what you practice on a daily basis.

scotchnaut

Has Texas Christian ever played a team called the Lions? Or is that a road best left not-traversed?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup…buhbye momentum. Hello, NCStateShit.

Sill Bimmons

no fucking way that just happened

Sill Bimmons

Isn’t John Terry dead yet?

Coach Ernie McCracken will not be pleased by that INT
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs1/1482681_o.gif

West Virginny bah gawd.

Sill Bimmons

MARCH ON IN YOU SAINTS

nomonkeyfun

Heading out, but I can’t believe no one posted this this clip.
McNulty’s English accent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBL2Wq5YjSw

Spot on.

nomonkeyfun

Just because Moose unintentiontally got me into a nostalgic jazz mood.
I present fairly recent versions of the jazz band from my old High School, with Dean, our conductor.
The band was better in my day, no youtube because I’m too old.
And yes the man was a trumpet player and a huge Maynard fan.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rnPXoPB94o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMnbA-nc74Y

/People like this put me into the locker next to Horatio.

Don T

Narrator: Roger McGough is a Liverpool poet. He is the author of many books set in and around Liverpool, including: “Merseysound”, “Gig”, “The Liverpool Scene” and two of his Liverpool Poems are in the Oxford Book of 20th Century English Verse. He was born in Liverpool, attended school in Liverpool, was even married in Liverpool, and his football team is of course Everton. He is a member of The Scaffold, a light comedy group that played the Cavern in the early 60’s. And during those incredible years he lived, wrote, loved, watched football and drank in Liverpool. Roger, did you know the Rutles?
Roger McGough: Oh yes, yes.
Narrator: Roger McGough, Liverpool poet, writer, author, humorist and a man who knew the Rutles.

Lothar of the Hill People

I swear, if West Virginia changed their mascot to “Cousin Fuckers” I’d root for them ALL THE TIME.

nomonkeyfun

Oops. That was meant as a counter against your end of summer lamentations on Sexy Friday.
Here is my kissing cousin counter part one.
http://img.pandawhale.com/post-20344-annie-kisses-britta-gif-Commun-abDd.gif

nomonkeyfun

Here is my pro-WVA song.
And I hated those inbred mother fuckers at until the old Big East broke up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hLixCAzd3o

Go Rutgers, but not the foo’ball team this year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Pretty sure my gif is FAAAAAAAAAAAAR more likely in WV. My entire time there I never saw anyone as attractive as those women.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

This is going to be an interesting weekend. I’m basically on house arrest. The entire city is repaving, resurfacing the streets. I’ve got my parking space downstairs in the Batcave and I can’t leave it until Monday morning. I can walk to the gym and we have ample food and liquor store options nearby plus I did the grocery store run last night but what if I wanted to you know, go some fucking where?
We had 2 days notice for this.
I’m going to write my congressman.
Who’s my congressman again?

Horatio Cornblower

I will actually be emerging from my locker today because I have to go to a wedding on the wife’s side of the friend tree.

A whole wedding full of Patriots fans and Trump supporters.

Pray for Horatio

http://imgur.com/xUdQNAN

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Tell me your address so that I can “secure” your assets for safekeeping in case something goes tits up.

Horatio Cornblower

My wife’ll be going tits up to make up for this.

nomonkeyfun

If she isn’t going tots up, make sure she gets you an end of season lobster roll. Or at least a really good grinder.

laserguru

I’ll be bringing the tots a little bit later today.

Cuntler

I get to go to CU v. Oregon with work people. Trade you?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s cool today so the visuals won’t even be out in bloom.

I always wanted a officiating official to pull a Walter Sobchak during a game.

Re WVU-OU, I think Fox has a limited deal with thr Big 12 and Pac 12 to broadcast their games. I am surprised they didn’t put it on Fox, normally they only put relatively minor games of FS1. I suppose they thought Angels-Rangers was a bigger draw.

ballsofsteelandfury

I love any post that includes the phrase “My black heart grew three sizes that day”. Absolutely love it.

I don’t know how you East Coasters managed before the EPL made it to NBCSN. Early morning, for me, JV football puts me right back to sleep.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gerard Deulofeu, Ross Barkley, and Romelu Lukaku…ain’t those guys the original line up for A Flock of Seagulls? Maybe not. Still, they sound really, really white.

Aside from the obvious wolven interests, if the Dawgs can get by the Sabans I’ll be happy. Also mildly worried that Sparty lets down vs Purdue, but even if they do they’re probably still safe. ND/Clemson has me in a quandary. Definite meteor rooting interests. Since we have the opportunity to face the Tiggs head to head later, I guess I’ll grudgingly root for a 5-3 Clemson win.

As far as the Red and White is concerned, I hope the new-ish field tests out well in the drainage dept., and that the Pack ends up a happy winner, and that they enjoy it as much as Flacco and Tucker enjoyed the Ravens lone victory to date (ok, maybe don’t enjoy it THAT much).
http://i.imgur.com/G2hvVM1.jpg

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