Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

I missed last night’s abortion of a game between Seattle and San Fran, so I guess that makes me one of the lucky ones. Where I haven’t been lucky, so far, is in my own personal fantasy success. I’m sitting mid-pack in two of my leagues at 3-3, contending with the usual results of injuries, breakouts, failures, etc., just as we all do, but in a third league with some good buddies from college, not only am I commissioning the league, but also sitting solely in last place with an 0-6 record. I’m fucking embarrassed. Peyton’s broken, Dez is still out, Jeremy Hill can’t break out of a platoon system, and more. I think Matt Millen’s coming for my job. Here’s hoping something can finally fucking go right for me, because I can’t take much more of this losing. Plus, it’s looking like I’m probably gonna have to buy a lot of drinks for them this weekend at our college homecoming. Fuck.

Anyways, onto happier things.

Is it finally time for me to bench Peyton? I’ve been a fan of him my entire career, and he’s been steady as a rock for me throughout. In seven straight fantasy drafts (save for the missed 2011 season), I’ve managed to land him in the first round,

Wait, hold up.

You’ve taken him seven straight years, IN THE FIRST FUCKING ROUND??

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you goddamn schmuck. Why, why, why would you ever do that? Good god. Think of all the wasted opportunity over all that time! AP, Matt Forte, LeSean McCoy, Dez… fuck, there’s so many guys that could have just killed it for you. I just can’t believe this shit.

and so far despite his struggles, I’m sitting pretty in second in my league at 4-2. 

How the fuck?– No, fuck it. Whatever. Just — god dammit all.

Trouble is, with bye weeks now starting to roll in, seems like any decent second-tier starters have been snapped up. I can choose right now between Sam Bradford and Blake Bortles. Who ya got?

I’m actually inclined to say Bortles here. As shitty as Jacksonville have been this year (and they have been completely shitty, don’t get me wrong), Bortles still somehow has a higher ceiling than Cross-Eyed McGoo up in Philly. Plus Bortles actually has a wide receiver corps in Allen Hurns and Allen Robinson. I don’t even know what the fuck it is that the Eagles have. Riley Cooper and…? One of Chip Kelly’s sandwiches? A stack of D-cells thrown from the stands that they’ve taped together and roll down the field on fly routes? I seriously have no idea.

At any rate, fuck you for your success using a broken-down QB pumped to the gills with stem cells. I tried the same strategy, but unlike you, at least I didn’t blow a first rounder on him. (I blew a third, which is still bad enough).

Fantasy Question – Week 7 Defense (pick one): Rams (coming off a bye) hosting the Browns, Colts hosting Saints, or Falcons at Titans?

Rams. No doubt about it on this one. Especially since they’re at home.

Not Fantasy – GF brought up the idea of getting fakies early in our relationship. I played it cool and gave her, “if it’s really what YOU want, then go for it” support. She could get a nice pair and it would be an upgrade but it’s not like she really needs them. Anyways, other stuff came up that made them financially improbable at the time and the issue quieted. Finances and all have been cleaned up now and I’d like to bring the topic back up. How do I approach this without it being the classic “guy pressures girlfriend to get fake tits so he’s a perverted jerk” situation?  

Well, this is a tough one.

Now, some disclosure from myself: I actually don’t really prefer fakies. I know that they can be done nicely, but I guess it’s just been rare for me to actually see a quality pair. I think this stems from having grown up across the river from a working-class Quebec town where the women have about the same number of brain cells as teeth (both somewhere in the single digits), bleached, ruined hair, smoke & swear like sailors (seulement en francais, bain ouai!), and haunt the bars at age 45+ starting right at 11 AM right up to close, trying to pull the next available young man from the English side of the river who would somehow be stupid enough to stumble in there. It’s a horror show.

But, putting my own personal issues aside for a minute here, if you like fakies, cool. But I guess there are a couple questions that spring to mind when you’re considering the option again:

• Your finances are now in order, which is great, but specifically, if this was gonna happen, who’s taking on the financial responsibility here? Are these your gift to her? Or is this something that you’re sharing in? This actually matters quite significantly – it’s something you need to talk about if you really are serious about it. I don’t know what your girlfriend is like, obviously, but would getting fakies as a gift make her more receptive to the job?
• Is this the absolute #1 way that the money could be used in order to bring happiness (to either yourself or both of you)? I’m not saying it is or isn’t, but what would bring more lasting happiness – taking a nice trip somewhere, improving your home, etc., or this? I guess it’s important to figure out whether this is going to be effective or not in meeting that. Stable finances aside, people still hate to just throw away money.

As for actually talking to her about it… Have wine at the ready.

In all seriousness, though, I guess maybe it’s something to casually bring up the next time you’re talking just about long-range planning with your lives. If it’s a very gentle, “Hey, you know, I’m glad we’re both doing well with our careers and have this living stuff all sorted out. Things are pretty good! I was thinking we should live a little and maybe spend a bit on something that we’ll both enjoy.” From there, you may have to do a bit of a dance – “A trip! Ooh, or what about a dog? I always loved having a dog as a kid”, etc. And if you can somehow connect the dots slowly back to that original conversation you had from a while back, then you’re in the ballpark.

There’s not really a good way to bring this up, and certainly you can never, ever press the issue on self-image stuff, but the fact that she brought it up to you a while back is almost certainly a good sign. Take your time with this, don’t rush into the conversation again and blurt it out, but also be realistic about the cost and what other things you could bring to your relationship with the money spent on them.

But good luck, and I really hope that you end up with the outcome you’re looking for!

Thanks,

DraftKings Employee

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected]. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).