Your One O’Clock Slate Open Thread

TB @ Atl: Winston has 9 TD’s and 7 Int’s-lousy, huh? His opposite today, Ryan has a sparkling 9 TD’s and 6 Int’s (also almost 600 more yards but still). At this point Tampa is just trying to show some progress and get through the season while the Falcons need a win to stay within tobacco juice-spitting distance of the Panthers. I’m not sure how Atlanta is going to pull this out what with Hankerson being out. Hopefully one of the other guys at the WR spot will come through.

Ari @ Cle: The Madden simulation of this game had the Cards winning 149-56. I think RB Johnson is going to break a long one against a Browns run D that almost always falls apart in the 2nd half. Don’t get me started on WR Bowe and his 9 mil. guaranteed contract and his three straight healthy scratches and “redemption time” narrative. Browns fans that want Manziel in are nuts. Why? McCown has made a star (okay, maybe “viable player” is the better term) out of TE Barnidge. What sort of sorcery has gotten these guys to connect for 459 yds. and 5 TD’s? Cleveland gets 3 starters back-CB Haden, FS Gipson and ILB Robertson. It won’t be enough for a win but this will allow them to be more aggressive.

F @ StL: San Fran takes it on the road and most likely on the chin today. The struggling Kaep may be without both Hyde and Boldin today as both are listed as questionable. (much like Kaep’s on-field decisions) Against a top 10 D, that spells more trouble and regression for a guy who doesn’t need either. The Rams are dead last in passing yards per game and Foles is taking some heat for it but I’m not having it. The WR corps consists of Britt, Bailey, Quick, TE Cook, who is inconsistent and Austin. Tavon is talented and just needs to be put into open space with the ball in order to make things happen but that is not happening often enough. I expect with the emergence of Gurley things will sort themselves out somewhat but this group is third rate.

NYG @ NO: Eli should be happy to know that the Saints give up the fifth-most passing yards per game at 275. This stat is actually worse than it seems because the Saints have rarely had a large lead on anyone therefore forcing them to air it out. After losing three straight the Saints have won the last three of four. When they are up they go after the QB hard-13 of their 16 sacks have occurred while they had the lead. The Giants have a measly nine in total. RB Orleans Darkwa of the Giants, a long shot to make the 53 man squad in September is pushing his way into the Giants RBBC.

Min @ Chi: Minny looks to be entering into a multi-year window of competitiveness given what they’ve done in the draft the past two years. Bridgewater, Kendricks, Barr, Diggs, Clemmings and Wayne are young, solid and talented. Also, most of them have no memory of having lost 7 straight at Soldier Field. Here’s this week’s “Stat Dis-Connect of the Week”. The Bears have the 26th ranked rush D yet have only given up 2 TD’s on the ground. Wah? Perhaps AP will close the gap a bit today.

SD @ Dal: Philip “The Loin Master” Rivers just had his eighth kid. Or maybe his wife did. I don’t know. That’s six girls and two boys and increasing pressure on the cervix and the population density of greater San Diego. Speaking of easy to score on, both these D’s like to give it away so we should be in for a bit of a TD/FG bonerama.

Cin @ Pit: “Big Ben Is Back!” yelled the owner of my fantasy team just now. I expect the Two B’s (Bell and Brown) to put it into a higher gear today. Hell, I’m calling it-Bengals get their first loss of the season today. Dalton can’t keep his insane numbers going much longer, can he? The world-weary Bengals fans shout “NO WAY!” in unison. WR Green is getting CB Antwon Blake today because Gay is banged up so Cincy should put up some points. Kudos to the guy who drafted RB Hill right in front of me. Buddy, I owe you one.

Ten @ Hou: This is our third game featuring a one win team playing a two win squad. Whoopee! Say goodbye to Hoyermallet and the lousy run they had and welcome Hoyersavageyates to the party. I’m just kidding, I saw TJ Yates in pre-season and I doubt that the coaches trust him with a clipboard. Foster done tore himself his Achilles and is gone for the year. To those mothers dipping their incipient football-playing sons into the River Styx I can’t stress this enough-DUNK THE WHOLE KID IN, DON’T BE LAZY ABOUT IT! Jeezuz!

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WCS

Mark Richt has lost control of this game.

Sill Bimmons

Into the upper fucking deck.

Fucking fuckety fuck fuck fuck.

Sill Bimmons

The fuckwit Haleyiest of of the fuckwit Haleys ever fuckwit Hayleyed.

Moonbatting Average

It’s pretty embarrassing to lose a fantasy football game basically due to Eli Manning alone

litre_cola

Happened to me last year, I still get made fun of for that.

litre_cola

So Stillers TD with a missed xtra point?

Romonobyl

Finally time fer ‘muricas teem!!!

John Difool

I’m really conflicted here because as a [*Redacted] s fan I’d really like to see Wilson rape you guys…. but I’d also like to see you guys rape the pint sized Kiwi Brady.
Fuck it, I’ll let alcohol decide for me.

Sill Bimmons

PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT END

King Hippo

This has been a very bad game of footy

Romonobyl

When an unstoppable force meets a non-existent object.

Sill Bimmons

Best play I’ve ever seen Archer make.

litre_cola

FUCK YOU NFL AND ONLY HAVING 2 GAMES RIGHT NOW!!!

Old School Zero

In an alternate dimension, Chargers still lose, but nobody got injured.

Gratliff

Jets and Raiders has a very high rate of despair.

Bortleback

Due to some TV rights/exclusivity deals where I live, when I watch Gamepass (the non-US type) there is one early and one late game that’s blacked out for 24 hours after the game, so it can’t be watched live. When there are only two late games on this is annoying, but today the Jets/Raiders derpfest is the blacked out game, which I can definitely live with.

litre_cola

Stream it?

Bortleback

Still have redzone, so I won’t miss much

Spur

Bengals got this, right? Not sure way they can blow this.

Doktor Zymm

Changed my mind. Not going out for the late games, instead making truffle popcorn and washing it down with Saison Dupont.

The Maestro

Looks like the Ravens’ Cundiff curse might be over now, finally.

litre_cola

The fuck is this?

synapticmisfires

Aside from the Patriots, we have some weak-ass undefeated teams.

Awwww shit, Geno time

King Hippo

Crisitunity!!!

Moonbatting Average

How many NOBYLS? ALL THE NOBYLS!

Bortleback

We’ll need to start giving out Nobyl prizes at the end of the season for the best/worst meltdowns

Sill Bimmons

ALL THE PLUSES

Sill Bimmons

BENOBYL OUTNOBYLS DALTONOBYL AS PITTSBURGH CEASES TO EXIST

WCS

comment image

fleshwound_NPG

THE BEN WANT TO DO TONY ROMO IMPERSONATION TOO, HARF HARF

The Maestro

Oh man. You know what’s the worst? Being family tech support. My 65-year-old aunt just called so I could walk her through downloading pictures off her iPhone onto her 13-year-old laptop.

It took an hour. I fucking hate everything.

Bortleback

Give intentionally terrible advice, they’ll eventually stop asking. Tell your aunt to photocopy her phone screen to get the pictures out.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Next time give her Entropy’s number. I hear he’s an IT guy.

synapticmisfires

Chris Conte still giving up big touchdowns!

synapticmisfires

Seriously, sprinting away from the area where Julio Jones eventually makes the catch.

WCS

Wow, THE BEN.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

It wouldn’t be a weekend without the Bucs blowing a fucking lead late.

synapticmisfires

Unbelievable.

John Difool

HO-LEE PHUQ, SUMTING went WONG

Redshirt

Third times a charm

Moonbatting Average

HOLY SHIT THIS SAINTS GIANTS GAME

Senor Weaselo

Touchdown Giants DEFENSE? Are they allowed to do that?

Gratliff

Fuck you, Aints.

Moonbatting Average

Lambo is SD’s kicker? Who’s the holder, Bugatti?

Bortleback

Ferrari is the long snapper

indieguy

factory derp

synapticmisfires

Say what you will, but Mark Trestman embarrassed us in more entertaining ways than John Fox does.

fleshwound_NPG

Fuck the Bears

GOOD NEWS, I NOW GET THE NYG/NO MADDEN GAME

King Hippo

Say a prayer, for at least one of our own is inside of Soldier Field.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thank you kind sir. I survived but the Bears derp was strong and costly.

Redshirt

Please Dalton. It’s not even a primetime game!!!

Bortleback

Andy Dalton obviously just doesn’t want the pressure associated with being undefeated. It’s the only explanation that I can see for how he’s playing……

WCS

THE BEN channeling his inner Dalton.

Doktor Zymm

What in all the hells is going on in New Orleans?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Two simultaneous dead-cat-bounces. If the cats were made of Flubber.

Sill Bimmons

holy fuckballs ben

Senor Weaselo

As I said, first to 50.

Bortleback

Over 750 yards of passing between Eli and Brees!

fleshwound_NPG

Again, seriously, fuck off Chicago.

Doktor Zymm

There have been some damn nice catches today.

synapticmisfires

So…between two fantasy teams I have Forte, Fitty, Allen, and Steve Smith Sr. Injury-palooza is getting really fucking old.

Redshirt

Of all the teams to lose to, why does our first loss have to be against this team?

Moonbatting Average

Because Bengals.

Gratliff

Kid in the white shirt is getting smoked. Oof.

WCS

“Wwweeeeeeeeeee!”

WCS

Ginobyl complete.