Ever one to be talking trash at .500 (including a loss to the Jaguars), Rex Ryan has announced that QB face-puncher Ik Enemkpali will be a Bills team captain on Thursday Night Football against the Jets. As the Jets enter the game 5-3 and very much in the AFC wildcard hunt, immediate response from Todd Bowles has been deflective as typical Rex Ryan antics. Which, frankly, this is but you know Bowles has been thinking about this game for months.

Conventional sports blog #taeks would, I suspect, discuss how IK did the Jets a favor by deciding the QB battle for Bowles and then go into some statistical discussion of Geno vs Harvard. Frankly, I didn’t know any of the three (Enemkpali, Smith, or Fitzpatrick) were even still on active NFL rosters so, yeah, big news morning for me! As you can imagine, my general NFL roster knowledge has not made me a contender in any fantasy football leagues this season.

So, while Enemkpali’s legacy is yet to be decided, I’ve still gone ahead and ranked him among the best and worst captains I can think of:

Worst

Rod Marinelli, Lions: It’s kind of hard to figure out who was really captaining the 0-16 Lions in 2008. The architect behind the team, Matt Millen, was fired after Week 4 and Marinelli had five different quarterbacks log passing stats that season. The fact that the Lions front office made the decision to not fire their coach during a garbage fire of a season pretty much leaves him as the constant throughout their 16 games.

Tom Watson, US Ryder Cup: I don’t pin Watson here because he lost 16.5 – 11.5, there have been far worse onslaughts that that in Ryder history. But his selection of players was so mind-boggling that the PGA of America has created a Ryder Cup Task Force to improve player and captain selection in the future. Also Phil publicly turned on him and I’ve been a big Lefty fan ever since he wore his green jacket to a Krispy Kreme drive thru after winning The Masters.

(Tie) Zapp Branigan/Edward Smith, RMS Titanic: Though only one of these captains arbitrarily piloted their vessel directly into a black hole while the other heroically died on the bow of his ship, I didn’t feel like fictional characters should get more than one spot on the bottom of the list.

Best

Steadman Baily et al, St Louis Rams: Before their was Rex, there was Jeff Fisher’s 2014 trolling of the Washington [*Redacted] s, sending the six players acquired with the draft picks from the RG3 trade to the pregame coin toss. That the Rams beat the Slurs 24-0 made Fisher’s move so palatable.

Captain EO, Tomorrowland: Besides racing to the Haunted Mansion because New Orleans Square opened later than the other lands, I distinctly remember seeing Captain EO at Disneyland as a kid and pressing back in my chair when the Supreme Leader reached out in 3D with her longass nails or whatever. It was a cool movie and the only time I ever wore those blue and red 3D glasses.

Mark Messier, New York Rangers: For some reason, hockey seems like one of the few sports where the captain actually matters. Unfortunately, the other sports with this trait are those that I know even less about (rugby, cricket, basketball). I owned NHL ’94 for my Sega and the Rangers were good on there so when my buddy instantly jumped in that Messier was the greatest sports captain of all time — apparently guaranteeing a Stanley Cup victory and scoring a hat trick in the final game to lead the team to victory — I went ahead and threw it in some football dick blog post. If I’m wrong, we seem to have a bunch of Candiens around here who, I’m sure, will correct me on this.

In conclusion, as the Jets are three point favorites, I guess IK does have a chance to be a special captain by leading the lovable underdog Bills to victory at his former home stadium. And it may happen with all the injury issues the Jets are dealing with on a short week.