Your Monday Night AFC East Disemboweling Open Thread

Let’s not regard this game tonight as the end of week whateveritis but see it for what it could be. This, this my friends is the beginning of a long, glorious week of sport-making that could cause the most loyal and understanding of significant others to say, “You’re watching sports AGAIN?”. Whatever you want you’ll get it. NFL Football? Natch. European football? Got it. Hockey? Got it. College AND NBA basketball? Got it. Something that is not-Baseball? YOU ARE COVERED. It’s a perfect ksunami (I prefer the silent “k”) of wonderfulness that is rarely equalled. Think back to the last week of July…..it was a living nightmare wasn’t it? Now fast-forward to today. This future’s so goddamn bright I’ve gotta throw shade. So watch that Cavs game tonight. Take in the Rangers. Check out the Spurs. I’m going to grab a piece of the LSU/Marquette tilt ce soir so that I can see with my own two eye-holes what the big fuss is about with this Ben Simmons kid. Don’t fight it. Just let the myriad sports options wash over you and bathe in their luxurious, soapy…umm, gotta go!

Buf @ NE: There are two scenarios here. 1. It’s a blow-out right out of the gate, like Secretariat at Belmont-level. 2. Rex comes up with a great game plan, hangs with the P*ts and goes in tied or slightly ahead at half-time. The problem is the damn mother-lover that coaches the home team will make the necessary adjustments and Rex will spend the second half looking up at the Jumbotron and thinking, “Huh, well that’s not working any more”. After the two touchdown loss he’ll wander into the press conference and talk about “key errors”, “lousy execution” and “he out-coaches me every time because my in-game defensive changes suck balls”. Happens every time.

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JustStopDude

WNo one does the “fuck you” blown play bullshit qb toss like Tawmmy boy. Its one of the things I like about the guy.

bourb0nblues

Nice tackling you asshats.

Sharkbait

Sploosh.

Doktor Zymm

Welp, the parity was nice while it lasted.

Why Thank You Eddie

Ah, do those last 3 Brady threw into the turf count as completions?

Sill Bimmons

^^^

Senor Weaselo

I have to say, Bill Belichick is a master of playing Calvinball while others are playing checkers.

The Maestro

“Well, you see, the ruling on the field stands because LaFell caught the ball while in the Bonus Box. The score remains Q to 12, and Rex Ryan has to say a limerick to the line judge.”

Senor Weaselo

“…that ISN’T about feet.”

entropy

When does Belichick have to sing the “I’m Sorry” song?

jjfozz

THIS CALL, I CALL IT SPAGHETTI AT FOZZ’S HOUSE, CAUSE THAT WAS SOME HOME COOKING!

Doktor Zymm

“On Further Review that was not a catch, but it was an on-side kick, despite not being a kick either, first down, Patriots”

entropy

“also, we award them twelve points, and fine Buffalo three hundred thousand dollars and their next two first round draft picks.”

Horatio Cornblower

If a catch falls in Foxboro and it’s the visiting team, does it make a sound?

Brick Meathook
jjfozz

Fuck you and your Euro-trash sneakers, Julian.

You douchebag.

Sill Bimmons

Irony ain’t just a blood deficiency!

Horatio Cornblower

Josh McDaniels, too dumb to be a head coach but smart enough to never leave Brady’s side.

Sill Bimmons

Getting 20 pounds of pork belly into a brine of water, apple cider and kosher salt.

Going to smoke it over applewood on Friday.

Going to have 12 pounds of applewood smoked bacon on Saturday.

comment image

Sharkbait

I want to go to there!

Brick Meathook

You know what would go good with that? Some bacon.

entropy

Going to have massive coronary by noon Sunday… But I’m jealous,

Doktor Zymm

Mmmm, giant BLT.

jjfozz

I love and hate you

Lothar of the Hill People

“That’s a pile of cancer for you” — WHO

nomonkeyfun

/Tracks down Sill in wilds of Northern Jersey. Verily kills him. Brings home the bacon.

JustStopDude

Mullet kicker needs to hit the trailer park…

The Maestro

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH BILLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Old School Zero

Uh huh.

Sharkbait

DOINK

Horatio Cornblower

Son of a bitch.

jjfozz

TAKE NEW ENGLANDS DICK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING TRAP GRUDEN

entropy

BUT I AM JUST DOING MY JOB

entropy

Shut the fuck up, Gruden

Why Thank You Eddie

Yeah, he sucks as the [*Redacted] s coach. That’s the Gruden to shut the fuck up, right?

entropy

Any and all of them, really. I don’t discriminate.

Doktor Zymm

Mmm, this Thai place includes some sort of tapioca laden sugar water dessert as a free treat!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is it free because it’s made with semen?

Doktor Zymm

If it is, they did an excellent job masking the taste and smell.

Brick Meathook
entropy

DON’T LOOK AT ME

Horatio Cornblower

No one works that hard to get water for Coors. Not when you can just turn on a tap.

entropy

That’s a lot of effort when you can just piss in the bottle.

Lothar of the Hill People

Coors is like making love in a canoe: they’re both fucking close to water.

nomonkeyfun

Hey, abby told me I can’t drink any of the water coming out of the silver thing.

-Elisha

Don T

Next knockdown, any OL who comes to help Brady up will get the “Leave me ALOONE!” treatment.

Old School Zero

PUT IN GARAFALO TAAWWWWMMMY’S DONE DONE I TELLS YA

JustStopDude

ITS NAWT FAIR!!! DA D IS AFRAID TL SACK THE DAWKIE AND GET CALLED RACIST!!! ITS A FAWKING CONSPIRACY TO FAWK THE PATS!!! NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Man if there’s one thing I keep telling my kids it’s that we need more attention drawn to JJ Watt and how humble he is.

WCS

Isn’t JJ Watt so inspiring how he never draws attention to himself or makes everything about him?

JustStopDude

Its why I wear my WWJJWD wrist band. It keeps me centered and focused.

Why Thank You Eddie

But what would Jesus want JJ Watts to do?

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus would probably tell JJ to shut the fuck up already.

JustStopDude

Tone it the fuck down…

Sharkbait
Senor Weaselo

Woo!

WCS

This is actually rather entertaining.

Senor Weaselo

It would be more entertaining if Buffalo led 63-3.

Lothar of the Hill People

And if they were using Tom Brady’s spleen for a football, too.

JustStopDude

This is some toe sucking quality defensive play!

jjfozz

Ravens-Browns next Monday night, I’m busting out the Wild Turkey, ground up rhinoceros pituitary gland, a rubber mallet, and baggie of sticky icky.

And I’m still going to be in pain.

entropy

Why not just chew on a fresh adrenal gland?

jjfozz

I think Dr. Gonzo ate all of them in the 70s

Horatio Cornblower

I hope it’t not Northern White Rhino because there’s only three of them left after today.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-34897767

JustStopDude

Next week Browns/Ravens! And stay up late for the formal apology from espn!

King Hippo

FUCK, that’s gonna be way tougher than Jags/Titans to sit through

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll be overdosed on Turkey and alcohol…I won’t even care by then.

entropy

The slogan for this year’s Primetime slate is “YOU WILL WATCH ANY FUCKING THING WE SHOW YOU.”

Horatio Cornblower

“I want the nickname Johnny Football”

Well, wait two years and you can have it because there’s no fucking way Manziel will still be using it.

SonOfSpam

Not gonna lie…I have a schadenfreuderection thinking about Browns-Ravens next week.

Horatio Cornblower

I imagine it can’t be a coincidence that the same OL that Brady just motherfucked on national TV is the same one that’s letting him get the shit beat out of him.

nomonkeyfun

“Brady hates being a motherfucker.”

-Bridget Moynihan

Horatio Cornblower

Oh that is sublime.

nomonkeyfun

Thank you very much.

/Throws bannana at self.

jjfozz

Part of Tom Brady’s rant to his o-line, “And if you fuckers don’t get your shit together, that’s the last time I bring in one of Gisele’s thongs for you apes to sniff.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So yeah; commenting in the “older comments” is pretty cool.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/8bc4ee7201ac7ca6b48cc60552d22501/tumblr_nnd07oFWLA1qzzk3fo1_1280.jpg

Why Thank You Eddie

Brady: The filth flarm flarm and filth I see out there is disgusting! Now go fix it for me!

Lothar of the Hill People

I read that in Bill Cosby’s voice and it was even funnier.

jjfozz

If you line up in the snow to eat at Applebee’s, I will trade you to the Syrians for one of their immigrants.

Why Thank You Eddie

I’ve got some Soviet Era toilet paper that may come in useful for trade. You can hardly feel the bark.

SonOfSpam

Shit, I’ll trade Berman for 100 of them right fucking now.

JustStopDude

I ask you wise and knowledgeable people of the Commentariate…what is the worst remake ever?

I would have to say The Longest Yard. I am convinced that no one involved in that movie, other than Burt, even bothered to watch the original.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Thing

entropy

Ooooo, solid entry. I’d say The Evil Dead.

Doktor Zymm

I refused to watch the Bedazzled remake. I assume it was horrible.

WCS

Red Dawn. The first one sucked ass to being with, so let’s remake it with a bunch of Australian and English actors, and change any China references to North Korea.

nomonkeyfun

That is sacrilege about the original Red Dawn. One of the great “bad” movies of all time. The Swayze, Jennifer Grey, C. Thomas Howell, and Cubans as the adjuncts.

“WOLVERINES!!!”

SonOfSpam

Song: American Pie, by Madonna
Movie: Footloose? And it’s not like the original was Oscar-worthy.

entropy

I will add one caveat to my Evil Dead entry…. If The Crow remake ever happens, that’s Number One with a bullet.

JustStopDude

That film’s special effects did not age well. Soundtrack is still fucking epic though.

entropy

They’re not the best (they weren’t even then), but they were pretty groundbreaking for the time, and I love the initial rooftop running scene.

You are dead on about the soundtrack, though.

Shogun Marcus

Ouch. Not too soon, but dude.

entropy

I know what I did there.

Shogun Marcus

I figured. It was well done.

Brick Meathook

“Gone In Sixty Seconds” The original 1973 masterpiece was entirely made by one guy in Carson California who had never made a movie before and it is still probably the greatest car chase movie ever. The 2000 remake with a huge budget was a piece of shit.

JustStopDude

Wonderful movie despite the porn quality acting and dialogue. And its got Grif from Married With Children!

nomonkeyfun

Not the worst, but the one I hate that I can think of right now. Katy Perry “I kissed a girl.”

The thought of fulfilling the song’s title is great but, the good press she got for being so “brave” makes me hate the millenials even more than normal.

/DFO millenials get an exemption.

jjfozz

Do the Gronks pass around a brain cell for each to use momentarily, like the Stygian Witches did with their one eye?

entropy

Of course not. They lost that brain cell years ago.

The Maestro

They got drunk and accidentally left it at the bar.

SonOfSpam

Really enjoy that comment and reference. May Dionysus bless you tonight.

entropy

Tom Hardy is just going to make a career of playing every semi-famous English gangster, isn’t he.

jjfozz

Grumble, grumble, When I say, “Bring me my muff it’s cold,” I’m talking about your mom.

JustStopDude

That is PI if Brady under throws in the same situation.

ROADHOUSE!!!

Why Thank You Eddie

/shower door flies open
Sorry I’m late gents
//looks for towel

WCS

I’d like to think that when Point Break utterly bombs, it will signal the end of pointless remakes, but, I know better.

entropy

FUCK YOU AND YOUR POINT BREAK REMAKE

jjfozz

Do you even Point Break, bro?

SonOfSpam

Without Keanu, I fear this movie may be mediocre.

SonOfSpam

Did everyone do up their toes real purty?

jjfozz

In honor of Flacco, I have miniature ACLs painted on my big toe nails

Horatio Cornblower

I assume the nails are cracked?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Some are way too long…some are way too short.
You know, bcuz Flacco.