Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 17

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

So much sadness – the regular season comes to an end. The playoffs remain, sure. But the onsalught for the senses of a full slate of games…that is the essence of the NFL, what keeps us drooling on the couch like Mongoloids. Wait, can one still say Mongoloids? Oh well, I just fucking did. I’m really fucking exhausted and a little drunk.

For me, the #1 story of the day was the #1 seed in the AFC. All Satan’s besties had to do was win in Miami, and judging from the crowd noise, it was a virtual home game for the P*ts. Lo and behold, Tanny Fanny and crew had other plans, shitting all over Dreamboat in a 20-10 romp. New England’s OL protected about as well as a pre-WWII condom, and as strange as this is to type…the better team won today. It wasn’t a fluke at all. Belicheat even had a little tantrum and pulled his starters for the last two minutes once Miami had a two score lead.

Meaning Denver only needed a home win against the woeful, beat-to-fuck Chargers, AT HOME, to take home field advantage. Sounds easy…until you realize that Denver had already lost home tilts against the Chefs AND the Raiders. And right on cue, the Donks committed FIVE fucking turnovers en route to spotting San Diego a 13-7 lead and putting me on track for a lovely dirt nap. Then, in a very decisive, ballsy move – Kubes pulled Brock Osweiler (who really hadn’t played THAT poorly), looking for a spark of leadership, and more tangibly, someone who could READ THE FUCKING BLITZES that SD was using to great effect. PeyPey led Denver to a quick TD, then a FG on the next drive. Not to let me relax, Aqib Talib completely blew a coverage and allowed an 80-yard TD on the very next play. But that would be the last gasp for the Bolts, as PeyPey would calmly lead a tying FG drive, then San Diego would finally make a mistake leading to the clinching Denver TD.

FINALLY, the matchups are set – 1) Denver; 2) New England; 3) Cincy; 4) Houston; 5) Kansas City; 6) Pittsburgh

Yes, that means the Jets Jetsed. But really, that isn’t quite fair. Buffalo played their asses off today, and Todd Bowles deserves a fuckton of credit for the job he did this season. The Jets will be back, and a legitimate pain in the ass for years to come (once they get a long-term QB in place). Today, it came down to one play, the defender just barely knocking the ball away from Kenbrell Tomkins (sp?) to prevent the winning TD. One inch the other way, and the Yinzers are stuck at home. It was just that close, and football is fucking cruel as shit that way sometimes.

Pittsburgh played kind of bad again, but The Factory was The Factory in the end.

Houston beat Former Team of Destiny Jaguras to make the Josh Freeman jalopy Colts win irrelevant. Mettenberger can get his selfie with the #1 overall pick! How exciting!!

The boring-assed Chefs beat Oakland in boring-assed fashion. I was having my Donks-induced heart attack, fuck if I know what happened in detail here (beyond a Tiny Hands Pick Six).

Much less drama in the NFC. The Panthers held serve in crushing fashion, ending all debate in the MVP race. Especially when combined with the thrashing Carson Palmer and Arizona took at home at the hands of the SeaTruthers. That shit was just weird.

The Redacteds could do nothing to improve or harm their playoff positioning, but they shithoused the Cowpokes anyway. Just because they could, I guess.

Freed from Chip Kelly’s yoke, the Iggles won on the road against the G-Men. Elisha threw a Pick Six, and Tom Coughlin stomped out his Capri Sun for probably the very last time. /wipes away tear

As a lasting tribute to the “Homeless to Harvard” Coach Tomsula, those plucky Niners took out the overconfident Rams in OT. This was the last footy I watched before the last RedZone TD montage of the season. /wipes away tear

Miscellany? Bengals beat the Ravens by 8. Lions beat the Bears by 4. The latter I seriously had to look up, as I had no fucking idea who won.

Finally, your dreadfully dull SNF fixture. I stayed up to watch because it impacted the playoff order. Since the skol types emerged victorious, this shall be your order: 1) Carolina; 2) Arizona; 3) Minnesota; 4) Washington; 5) Green Bay; 6) Seattle

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryKing HippofmwarnerSill Bimmons Recent comment authors
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Wow.

When even Alex Jones thinks you’re a bunch of idiots you’re doing some serious all-time idiotin’…

http://gawker.com/even-alex-jade-helm-jones-thinks-the-oregon-militiame-1750972637

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

In fairness to Mr. Batshitcrazy, he’s only annoyed with the idiots in Oregon because he thinks they’re making his gun confiscation narrative take a backseat.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

They also forgot to bring food to their siege fortress:

http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/1/4/1466048/-Send-snacks

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Coughlin resigned.

Beerguyrob

Just like Frank Pentangeli.

blaxabbath

“‘Mongoloids’ is a term used to honor our east asian brethren.”

-Dan Snyder

Sep

“They prefer to be called Orientals, Chief Snyder.” @redskinsfacts

Beerguyrob

I, myself, look forward to an evening of Al Michaels calling for more 4th-down spikes.

entropy

So, while doing my usual year-end/year-beginning illustration “filing,” I came across this gem from last March:
comment image

Done in ball-point pen (almost entirely directly, only the barest hint of pencil guidelines from the start) on copy paper, 8.5×11. I make no claim to understanding the origin of this piece.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

The Birth of the Belichick.

entropy

I’ll make a copy in Photoshop, give the little fucker a hoodie.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like this almost as much as an old college buddy’s “Theory of Creation” painting which featured an alien sexing up a monkey.

entropy

Thanks, man!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I should make it clear that I absolutely ADORED that old “Theory of Creation” painting.

entropy

That’s how I read it, but I am happy for the confirmation. Thanks again!

Horatio Cornblower

Missing abdomen and some internal organs. 2/10, would not bang.

Beerguyrob

Give him a cravat, and you’ve got “The birth of BLEERGH”.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I like this one a bit more than mine.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is some great work.

jjfozz

Tomsula in talks with Vivid Video to revive the “Taboo” series with Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.

blaxabbath

Bum Fights 3

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bum Fucks 3?

Old School Zero

Hobo with a Long Dong

Beerguyrob

Sex Fist Avenue.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Welp, this development totally changes the context of this silly picture I captioned for a Niners prime time game.

http://36.media.tumblr.com/5bcc0e4a666a727b578936bdd0ceb3f1/tumblr_nvrnqp7qxW1syvjuco1_500.jpg

Don T

The Ben is playing like Sexy Rexy lives. I like the Steelers chances at Cincy. But I don’t aboit this AFC on Saturday and NFC Sunday apartheid. Seems very off.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Considering how JV the AFC has looked, it’s fitting that it’s relegated to Saturday.

monty this seems strange to me

LOOGIT THE LEADERSHIP PEYTON DISPLAYS AS HE HANDS IT OFF TO HILLMAN AND ANDERSON

Enrico Pallazzo

Is there anyone out there that prefers Sicilliano over Hanson? Hanson is far superior IMO.

entropy

I always preferred Silverchair to Hanson, if you have to go with a mediocre “rock” band comprised of teenagers.

Shogun Marcus

You wait til tomorrow.

ballsofsteelandfury

Siciliano all the way! Hanson is horrible!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

@BoS

Goff has been the pick for the Bears for longer than the season. I share your trepidations. I might still be drunk at 9 so don’t trust me

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I’m eating a cream cheese and lox bagel with the ferocity of a grizzly bear right now.

entropy

Goddamn Jets. This is a terrible Monday. So very not happy right now. Maybe in a few weeks, I’ll be happy about the 10-6 season, and the rapid turnaround Bowles brought to the team, but for now, I am depressed the Jets aren’t in the playoffs.

blaxabbath

Perhaps you could turn your attention to rooting for the [*Redacteds]. Then you could, you know, LIKE THAT!

entropy

Can’t do it. Like Doc Holliday (while he was lying), even my hipocrisy has its limits.

blaxabbath

And what would an 18 game season have meant? In the NFC, probably SEA could have worked their way to a 5-seed (from a 6). In the AFC, NYJ/PIT continue to battle for a spot and DEN/KC switch (MAYBE).

Good thing the big off field story line was LA because this has been the worst season to make an argument for expanding the regular season.

monty this seems strange to me

Maybe by the 18th game we could have had someone literally die on the field.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

The Giants would’ve lost 3 more games in the final 5 minutes?

makeitsnowondem

That was all very fun. My head hurts.

Doktor Zymm

RIP Regular Season 2015. This was truly the year of teams which have sucked goatballs the last 10 years or so sucking somewhat less than previously, except the Browns. Huzzah! On to Wild Card Weekend!

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m seriously questioning why Brock was pulled. The Broncos were AHEAD 7-6 when that decision was made. Sure, the Chargers scored to pull ahead, but Peyton was already warming up when the Brocko defense was on the field.

It’s not like Peyton lit it up, either. All that happened was that the running backs decided not to give up the football.

It’s a short-sighted move that hopefully won’t have any negative repercussions. Brock is the QB of the future. You might as well live and die with him. Otherwise, how the fuck is he supposed to learn?

Beerguyrob

At least you won’t have a Favre-Rodgers situation. Peyton knows he’s done, but also gets the chance to ride off a hero. Like Tebow.

WhyEaglesWhy

I think it was a risky move, but one that certainly paid off. I don’t think he did it to get improved QB play…Brock was playing fine. I think he did it to jolt the rest of the offense. Players are always saying you have to be on your toes when Peyton is your QB, so my guess is Kubiak was trying to rid the Broncos of substitute teacher syndrome.

scotchnaut

As always, well done Sir Hippo.