Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)
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- Git Yer #BFIB On – Tis Midweek HATE Time! – July 30, 2019
So much sadness – the regular season comes to an end. The playoffs remain, sure. But the onsalught for the senses of a full slate of games…that is the essence of the NFL, what keeps us drooling on the couch like Mongoloids. Wait, can one still say Mongoloids? Oh well, I just fucking did. I’m really fucking exhausted and a little drunk.
For me, the #1 story of the day was the #1 seed in the AFC. All Satan’s besties had to do was win in Miami, and judging from the crowd noise, it was a virtual home game for the P*ts. Lo and behold, Tanny Fanny and crew had other plans, shitting all over Dreamboat in a 20-10 romp. New England’s OL protected about as well as a pre-WWII condom, and as strange as this is to type…the better team won today. It wasn’t a fluke at all. Belicheat even had a little tantrum and pulled his starters for the last two minutes once Miami had a two score lead.
Meaning Denver only needed a home win against the woeful, beat-to-fuck Chargers, AT HOME, to take home field advantage. Sounds easy…until you realize that Denver had already lost home tilts against the Chefs AND the Raiders. And right on cue, the Donks committed FIVE fucking turnovers en route to spotting San Diego a 13-7 lead and putting me on track for a lovely dirt nap. Then, in a very decisive, ballsy move – Kubes pulled Brock Osweiler (who really hadn’t played THAT poorly), looking for a spark of leadership, and more tangibly, someone who could READ THE FUCKING BLITZES that SD was using to great effect. PeyPey led Denver to a quick TD, then a FG on the next drive. Not to let me relax, Aqib Talib completely blew a coverage and allowed an 80-yard TD on the very next play. But that would be the last gasp for the Bolts, as PeyPey would calmly lead a tying FG drive, then San Diego would finally make a mistake leading to the clinching Denver TD.
FINALLY, the matchups are set – 1) Denver; 2) New England; 3) Cincy; 4) Houston; 5) Kansas City; 6) Pittsburgh
Yes, that means the Jets Jetsed. But really, that isn’t quite fair. Buffalo played their asses off today, and Todd Bowles deserves a fuckton of credit for the job he did this season. The Jets will be back, and a legitimate pain in the ass for years to come (once they get a long-term QB in place). Today, it came down to one play, the defender just barely knocking the ball away from Kenbrell Tomkins (sp?) to prevent the winning TD. One inch the other way, and the Yinzers are stuck at home. It was just that close, and football is fucking cruel as shit that way sometimes.
Pittsburgh played kind of bad again, but The Factory was The Factory in the end.
Houston beat Former Team of Destiny Jaguras to make the Josh Freeman jalopy Colts win irrelevant. Mettenberger can get his selfie with the #1 overall pick! How exciting!!
The boring-assed Chefs beat Oakland in boring-assed fashion. I was having my Donks-induced heart attack, fuck if I know what happened in detail here (beyond a Tiny Hands Pick Six).
Much less drama in the NFC. The Panthers held serve in crushing fashion, ending all debate in the MVP race. Especially when combined with the thrashing Carson Palmer and Arizona took at home at the hands of the SeaTruthers. That shit was just weird.
The Redacteds could do nothing to improve or harm their playoff positioning, but they shithoused the Cowpokes anyway. Just because they could, I guess.
Freed from Chip Kelly’s yoke, the Iggles won on the road against the G-Men. Elisha threw a Pick Six, and Tom Coughlin stomped out his Capri Sun for probably the very last time. /wipes away tear
As a lasting tribute to the “Homeless to Harvard” Coach Tomsula, those plucky Niners took out the overconfident Rams in OT. This was the last footy I watched before the last RedZone TD montage of the season. /wipes away tear
Miscellany? Bengals beat the Ravens by 8. Lions beat the Bears by 4. The latter I seriously had to look up, as I had no fucking idea who won.
Finally, your dreadfully dull SNF fixture. I stayed up to watch because it impacted the playoff order. Since the skol types emerged victorious, this shall be your order: 1) Carolina; 2) Arizona; 3) Minnesota; 4) Washington; 5) Green Bay; 6) Seattle