Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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With Fantasy Football now finished for the season (boooo), the Mailbag is now transitioning to that of a grab bag – your sex lives can still get plenty of attention, but anything goes for questions now! Sports! Violence! Inventions! Whatever ya got, it’s all on the table here.

So welcome back! I took a few weeks off from mailbags over the holidays thanks to both Xmas and New Years’ falling on Fridays this year, and with family commitments… yada, yada, you don’t give a fuck. It’s fine. At any rate, playoffs start tomorrow, and life is good.

Been sitting on a few questions over the past little while, so I’ll try and address some of these the best I can for now.

How badly are the Seahawks gonna kill the Vikes? Like, should I just give up all hope now and skip watching the game in favor of going an ice fishing vacation with some buddies instead?

Ok, well number one, have you BEEN ice fishing before? You’re sitting in a tiny heated shack on a frozen lake for hours at a time. It’s an excuse to drink beer at ten o’clock in the morning with friends and not take shit from any wives, girlfriends, etc. That is fucking awesome. And not only that, but as fishing goes, ice fishing is probably as low-maintenance as you can get. Drill your hole, slide your shack into place, drop your line, and grab a seat until you see something wiggle. You can drink, you can play cards, and you can also watch/listen to the game. Plenty of opportunity to multitask here.

And let’s face it – the Vikes are gonna get smoked. It’s gonna suck. But if you’re already drunk and doing an enjoyable activity to begin with, I see no reason for that to be giving up hope on life. It could be worse. You could be moping about at home and drunk. Drunk in nature > drunk in civilization. Cavemen were on to something when they discovered those fermented berries in the first place.

Saw a picture of my ex on Facebook on Christmas with her new hotshot Irish boyfriend, and felt pretty mad about the whole thing. I let her end things so she could travel to the UK for work (and knew it was gonna be the end in doing so because I just felt I couldn’t do the same), but I just feel pretty betrayed still less than a year onwards… before dropping the bomb that she wanted desperately to go overseas, we’d already been job- and apartment-hunting in a new city and making plans on moving in together. I thought it was pretty serious at the time… definitely the most serious relationship I’d been up to that point in my life. Am I overreacting here?

It’s cool to feel put out by this. You sound like you’re a younger guy, probably like myself, and when you make plans on moving in with someone it’s a big deal in a relationship. All this said, though, you’re here, she’s there, and I think you have enough sense to know that it really, truly is finito. At some point, you’re gonna have to let it go, because dwelling on that for months and years is some toxic, self-destructive stuff. Hide her posts on Facebook, delete her outright, I dunno. Whatever you have to do, do it.

100 grizzly bears vs 100 Bengal tigers. Who ya got?

I Googled some comparison points for this, actually. Tiger top speed: 65 km/h, grizzly top speed: 56 km/h. Male Bengals can weigh up to 235 kg in northern India (518 lbs) while male grizzlies can go up to 360 kg (790 lbs). So with this in mind, my oversimplified generalizations here are tigers: speed and bears: size.

Now, tigers typically tend to hunt alone, unlike lions which are pack animals, though I imagine it would probably be far more realistic for a coordinated tiger attack than it would be for grizzlies. If the tigers can chase the bears down a hill to lower ground and fence them in that way, I think the tigers win, but if the bears can somehow move the fight into shallow water, then I think the bears can take it. Have you seen those gigantic bastards scoop up fish?? It’s amazing.

I’m not a zoologist though, so maybe I haven’t thought through the details of this fully enough just yet.

Also, this is the first paragraph of the Wikipedia article on grizzlies as of 12:45 PM on January 8th – how has nobody edited this yet?? (Click/tap to expand).

India Weed

Would Snooki be a worse choice for US President than Donald Trump?

Unquestionably, Trump is still the most terrible choice out there. For all that’s gone on in dear, sweet Nicole Polizzi’s life, she’s now an author and a mom of two children, and I’m pretty sure she probably treats her family with more compassion than Trump treats his. That’s like, baseline number one right there. But shit, imagine if Snooki really did become US president. What would happen?

  • Spray tans, hair extensions and manicures are now covered under health insurance providers
  • Massive economic revitalization of Atlantic City/NJ seaside region
  • Any militaristic threats from Russia, North Korea, etc. met with a gigantic amount of attitude and the threat of sending “her boys” after them, and MEANING it
  • Encouragement of weekly “family dinners” between NATO countries to foster friendship and allegiances
  • Reduced legislation on alcohol consumption and purchasing

That’s just a few that I can think of, and while it’s pretty goddamn simple-minded, it still somehow remains better than anything the GOP has put out to date. So God help us all, really.

That’s all for this week! Enjoy the playoffs, and see you around these parts.

***

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football, your love life, or anything else going on, please send all inquiries to dfo.submissions@gmail.com or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/

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ThePirateSlothRikki-Tikki-DeadlyMoose -The End Is Well NighballsofsteelandfuryLow Commander of the Super Soldiers Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’m fairly confident Trump would do all of those things too. Except the family dinners thing, which are for LOO-SAHS!

Also, cheerup dude with ex troubles. The Irish guy is probably just hoping to get a green card out of her.

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

What’s worse: an ex you care about dating someone better than you or dating someone worse than you?

I honestly don’t know. They both suck. On the one hand, if you’re ex is dating Idris Elba, there’s really no way you can compete and it would probably make you want to put a shotgun in your mouth (or theirs). On the other, if your ex is dating a fucking bum you both went to high school with, now you’re just pissed. You don’t want to be associated with this loser in any way.

ballsofsteelandfury

If she is an ex you still care about, if she’s dating better (doubtful, but we’ll go along with the premise), good for her. Just know that he will drop her ass as soon as he realizes what a pain in the ass she is.

If she’s dating worse (more likely), good for you. Your self-worth has been validated by the fact that she can’t do any better and will always regret dropping your ass. Make sure she sees you with the hottest girl you can find. It doesn’t matter if you’re not dating her. Just that will drive the ex nuts.

ballsofsteelandfury

100 Balls would make 45 women and 5 men very happy. Socially-accepted-statistically speaking, of course.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, LA, DFOers, anyone going to this:

https://www.facebook.com/events/991077437621029/

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh, Jesus. That’s just… so sad. I hope it pours rain on them. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It seems like a perfect event for PFT Commenter to visit.

scotchnaut

100 scotchnauts would ruin almost every space movie that you hold near and dear to your heart. 2001: A Space Odyssey?-spills drink on HAL, he short-circuits and there’s no confrontation. Alien? Gets Ridley drunk, convinces her to play Twister so he can sex her up, easy pickings for Acid Breath, movie is over in 10 minutes. WALL-E? Trips over “that dumb fuckin’ waste basket” dislodging its batteries. Game over. The Day The Earth Stood Still? As Klaatu exits the saucer, runs into it and tries to take it for a joy ride. Klaatu gets pissed and bangs on the door and yells “I’ll Kill You!” and is immediately cut down in a hail of bullets.

Doktor Zymm

I would watch all of these stuck together and animated in the style of that time traveling dog from Rocky and Bullwinkle

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

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Duchess

So wait after all these years we finally found out who was really working for the Irish?

Duchess

Bears v Tigers

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

100 Sloths would rule all. Eventually. One Day. After a nap. Or two. Actually, can we schedule this for next week?

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth
Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

https://youtu.be/bY73vFGhSVk

I don’t know how to embed shit on here.

ballsofsteelandfury

If it makes you feel any better, neither do I. And I write posts!

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

I saw that before Star Wars, it was awesome

King Hippo

100 hippos would tear the shit of 100 tigers and 100 grizzlies COMBINED.

Doktor Zymm

What’s the battlefield? Each of those seems like they have a different biome they would prefer.

King Hippo

Home-field is critical ,, ppl forget that

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take the hippos in Wichita

blaxabbath

Kill them with adorableness.

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King Hippo

an awwwwww before dying

blaxabbath

Hey, so some ex’s you care about, some you don’t. Even if you don’t want the chick back (or know geography, time, etc makes it implausible), that doesn’t mean you won’t still care — especially if you are the jealous/competitive/bitter type (see: Blax). Frankly, you don’t really find out until you get an update that they’re with another guy and it totally gut punches you or you shrug it off (which then makes you feel really good that you just shrugged it off).

That said, regardless of how you feel, I’d go pay the boyfriend and his lads a visit.

http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110403232103/archer/images/thumb/0/0c/IrishMob.png/500px-IrishMob.png

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

True story: when I named my fantasy team “Janitoros Inocente” I won my league.

SonOfSpam

It’s fascinating that we could eve discuss something like, “Snooki would make a better President than X” but here we are.

(Thanks Obama)