Your “OY! WHO’S UP FOR A HATE-WATCH, THEN?” AFC Championship Open Thread

Why must I be a football fan? It’s not a particularly pleasant hobby to have during this run of Pats dominance. I think this is their fifth straight appearance in this game. OOF! That’s tough to swallow. It’s not hard to envision myself in a simpler time. I can see it now. [screen goes all wavy wavy] Me and my buddies are just back from the hunt, having brought down a noble stag. There’s plenty of mead to be quaffed as we warm our balls by the large fire. It’s damn cold but there are smiles all round.

Soon talk centers on the threat from the East. The land- and power-hungry Quinnzealots have won a number of skirmishes with our neighbouring tribes and will be soon threatening our (The Allthatisgoodnauts) borders. Word has reached us that they are led by a charismatic warrior, Large Teeth. Some say that his successes are due to a shadowy black-robed druid that possesses uncanny powers that cloud the minds of those who oppose him. During battle one does not know where the Quinnzealots will attack from-when they come for you it could be from the left, perhaps the right, sometimes from the trees above, all without warning. Their small yet rabid foot soldiers buzz around one’s ankles so quickly that it is difficult to hit them with your sword. T’will be a difficult task to defeat them-that much is certain.

Well that’s just great. THE PATS DOMINATE MY ALTERNATE HISTORIES AS WELL. On to the game, I guess. The venerable Hippo could break this game down much better than I could so I’ll just toss some nougats (not nuggets!) out there. The Gronk has 6 TD’s in as many games against Denver but it’s something of a boom/bust thing. Three TD’s came in one tilt and he’s been held to as little as 35 yards in another. Brady is 2-6 in Denver over his career which bodes well for the Orange Horsies. Denver led the league with 52 sacks but in order to be successful they must get pressure from the middle of the line and not the edge because Brady lets go of the ball in just over two seconds on those quick hitters to the Amendolas and Edelmans of the receiving corps. Hochuli is the ref and we are blessed with Jim “Prominent Masters apologist and serial philanderer” Nance and Phil “safe to say Morehouse State didn’t have an Elocution elective” Seems. THERE IS GLORY IN TYPING…SO TYPE!!!

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Old School Zero

Peyton Manning is just hanging on way too long.

To his career and the ball.

Sill Bimmons

See, to me that’s funny too.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“We traded Denver’s O-line for Seattle’s…let’s see if anyone notices!”

The Maestro

I had to drive my mother to a dinner and just got home.

What did I miss other than the Pats FG?

Sill Bimmons

Derp.

Also, herp.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Dreamboatsack
Punt
Pey-Pey sack
Punt

Smithchez

THROW THE FUCKING BALL AWAY, IDIOT

blaxabbath

Just turned on the game to “Because that scramble by Peyton Manning…”

What the hell is going on here?

Sill Bimmons

This new speed gauge thing is a whole nother level of stupid.

Brocky

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makeitsnowondem

Good God Peyton Manning is still so much faster than I am

WCS

WHYTHEFUCKDIDYOULETTHATBOUNCE

litre_cola

Flags for the flag god.

American Pie Story

So PHEEL says the reason the Pats field position is so bad is because of Peyton?

Good god shut the hell up forever

Moonbatting Average

That was a pyrrhic victory

King Hippo

THANK YOU YET AGAIN VON

fleshwound_NPG

Von Miller is meastly today

Romonobyl

Tonight’s menu consists of slow-cooked Chinese bbq pork with rice and vegetables. What is everyone else turning into poo overnight?

Dammit…forgot to buy Sake.

ThePirateSloth

We got venison chili cooking in the crockpot whilst we’re out drinking.

The house is going to smell god damn delicious.

King Hippo

fuck everything, that’s the game if Stewart is out

makeitsnowondem

It’s fine, we’ve still got Keohgodno

King Hippo

it’s funny how we have a pretty good, deep team but maybe the two worst single players in the entire NFL

WCS

Sign Bernard Pollard for the fourth quarter!

Fronkenshteen

Next man up?

[sobs]

makeitsnowondem

Fuck, Stewart. He’s having a good game too.

ThePirateSloth

Every god damn time I see Wonder Woman in any of the Bat/Supes spots, all I can think of is: “Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.”

Doktor Zymm

As long as “faster than a speeding bullet” doesn’t apply in bed..

ThePirateSloth

Yea….. that’s my line.

Kungjitsu

I think about Batman curled up in a corner and crying about how Wonder Woman doesn’t respect his safe word.

Romonobyl

I’m sure Robin knows the word well, prolly The Commissioner too.

American Pie Story

How many Dreamboat sacks is that now?

WCS

Drei

King Hippo

many, yet not enough

/am drinking now

Sill Bimmons

More than I need but less than I want.

Sill Bimmons

MOAR LIEK GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHNNABELLE BOWLEN AMIRITE

fleshwound_NPG

DREAMBOATSACKALMOSTASAFETY

King Hippo

huzzah for Von

makeitsnowondem

Von Miller is just flat-out abusive.

American Pie Story

Until Talib jams his fingers in someone’s eyes again

Doktor Zymm

SO CLOSE TO A SAFETY! I LOVE IT!
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jjfozz

Success didn’t go to Amy Schumer’s head, it plowed headfirst into her ass.

Dick E. Phuck

Like a dildo

ThePirateSloth

And I’m ok with datass, it’s the head I don’t care about.

fleshwound_NPG

Holy shit that D-list for the Grammys was bad.

Sill Bimmons

PUT ROTTING PENCIL SHAVINGS AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BREWING TUNS AND CALL IT “BEECHWOOD AGING”

WCS

“I really don’t want to spend a week in Santa Clara.”

— Gary Kubiak

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Who does?

Smithchez

That’s right. When in doubt against the Patriots, punt. It’s worked so well in the past.

jjfozz

Regardless of who wins this game, they’re gonna get full on assfucked by the NFC champ

Doktor Zymm

The game tonight is the real Super Bowl.

Kungjitsu

Like it’s 1992

King Hippo

goddamnit. Really gonna blow this

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Aldon Smith, contemplating a 0.17

makeitsnowondem

I’d love to know what Ryan Harris imagined was his job on that play.

King Hippo

like most of the season, a depth guy impersonating a starting LT

JustStopDude

Oh…other weird thing from Japan. So I found a Tax free shop. Imagine a four story, tightly packed store selling everything from little candies to washer and dryers.

I’m wandering around looking for a toy or trinket for my nieces back home. As I am browsing the toys, I shit you not, it transition from kid’s toys to sex toys immediately. There was a sign above my head, which I guess was to tell you that you entered the “creepy loner sex toys section” but I missed it.

I went from looking at Hello Kitty figures to Hello Kitty pocket pussies in the span of two paces.

Kungjitsu

Buttpdugedu

American Pie Story

Yup, sounds about right.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pocket pussies?
You have my attention.

ballsofsteelandfury

How many did you buy?

American Pie Story

Yes, JEEM, because Peyton is old now.

Dick E. Phuck

Pennington-esque throw to the outside.

King Hippo

Let that neckAIDS scramble inspire and guide you

makeitsnowondem

If Peyton Manning can run ten yards, I can do anything.

Romonobyl

GO HORSEY TEAM!!!!

/I’m only saying this courtesy of the opposition.

makeitsnowondem

Well hello Cody Latimer

litre_cola

He looks nothing like Lattimer from The Program.

As graceful as a wounded elderly gazelle.

Sill Bimmons

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Servomotors: ENGAGED

Kungjitsu

HGH! HGH! HGH! HGH! HGH!

fleshwound_NPG

NECKROIDSFIRSTSCRAMBLE

makeitsnowondem

That’s how Peyton Manning got his well-known nickname, Slash.

WCS

PEYPEYSCRAMBLE

King Hippo

urge to kill…rising

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“urge to kill…Rison…”

– Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes

theeWeeBabySeamus

Arson…BITCH!!!

ThePirateSloth

Fuck. You. With. Gronks. Diseased. Dick. Jim Nantz for trying to compare Brady/Manning to Batman/Superman, you stupid fucking idiot.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow….shittiest product placement segue in ever Pheeel. Well done.

jjfozz

Brady is definitely playing the role of SuperDouche

jjfozz

Hydration based for Gronk = Zimas and Smirnoff Ice

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