Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 25)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The highway to Las Vegas. Doktor Zymm is driving and Moosemas Gorilla is taking up the backseat, Horatio on his shoulder. Otto’s Brain is on the passenger side, strapped into a child’s car seat.

Otto’s Brain: This is humiliating.

Doktor Zymm: It ist zo you do not roll around ze car.

Otto’s Brain (pouting): Horatio doesn’t have to sit in a child’s seat…

Doktor Zymm: Horatio has der gorilla to keep him zafe. You, on ze other hand, are a deadly projectile vaiting to happen.

Otto’s Brain: It’s not fair.

Doktor Zymm (sighing): I am not having zis conversation again. You are ze one zat called “shotgun.”

Horatio Cornblower (from the back seat): Are we there yet?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Nein, ve are not zere yet. Ve have gone maybe ten miles zince ze last time you asked.

Horatio Cornblower: When you’re my size, it’s hard to tell distance.

Otto’s Brain: Zymm, can you turn on the radio?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. Ve can never agree which channel to listen to, and I don’t vant to argue again.

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, Zymm, how about some music?

Doktor Zymm (her knuckles going white on the steering wheel): Nein. I just told Otto no. Veren’t you listening?

Horatio Cornblower: I’m six inches tall. My ears are tiny.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, a rest stop’s coming up! I could really use a roll.

Doktor Zymm: Fine, I vill…

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, Zymm, can we stop at that rest stop?

Doktor Zymm (taking the rest stop exit at high speed): Ja, ja! Ve are going to ze rest ztop! Vill zat make you all happy?

Horatio Cornblower: Wow, take it easy, Zymm!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Yeah, it’s probably good we’re stopping. You seem really stressed out.

Doktor Zymm pulls into a parking spot and gets out of the car, slamming the door behind her.

Otto’s Brain: Is she coming back?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower (nodding in agreement): Yeah, no kidding. I’m glad we’re heading to Vegas, too. I think Zymm really needs to blow off some steam.

Moosemas Gorilla gets out of the car with Horatio, goes to the passenger side, and unbuckles Otto’s Brain.

Otto’s Brain (popping out of the car and rolling off): Thanks, guys!

Horatio Cornblower: No problem, Otto. Just don’t go too far. Zymm’s going to want to get on the road again soon.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: No, I don’t think we’ll find a banana stand here. But I do need to make a pit stop. My ears aren’t the only thing that are tiny.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: I was talking about my bladder, smart guy. I had a thimble of Mountain Dew in the car.

Cut to: The Las Vegas Police Department jail. Yeah Right is sitting in a cell, singing the Blues. Covalent Blonde is in the next cell,holding a pillow over her ears. In the last cell is the musclehead she picked a fight with. He has a cast on his arm. His name is… King Hippo.

OK, who saw that coming? Amirite? A yuuuuuge MMA guy turns out to be King Hippo…pretty clever, right?

Oh, you guys knew that already? Well, aren’t you all a buncha know-it-alls. Sure, if you know about Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, but…hey, you know what game I really liked on the old Nintrendo system?  Pro Wrestling. No, that was the name, not just the genre. Remember that one? It looked like this:

Tough game! I never got past Great Puma for the win. It’s one of my life’s great regrets. I also should have bought Marvel stock back in the mid-90’s when it was about $2 a share.

What? Filler? How dare you! I slave away, week in and week out, and that’s the thanks I get? Why, I should…

Oh, fine. You got me. All right, we return you now to our regularly-scheduled story.

Yeah Right (singing):

Nobody knooooows

The trouble I’ve seen

Nobody knooooows

My sor-

Covalent Blonde: Seriously? You’ve been singing that same damn song since they arrested us!

Yeah Right: It’s the only jailhouse song I know.

Covalent Blonde: If I hear it one more time, I’m gonna…

King Hippo: Hey, leave the little guy alone! I like the way he sings. It reminds me of the way my dog used ta howl.

Covalent Blonde: The way you fight, you probably should have stuck to music appreciation in college.

King Hippo: That’s mean! Besides, I don’t fight girls.

Covalent Blonde: You also couldn’t find your way out of a kimura lock if I gave you written instructions. You can read, can’t you?

King Hippo (to Yeah Right): Is she always this mean?

Yeah Right: Pretty much. Once I made fun of Jim Harbaugh and she tied my jeans into a knot.

King Hippo: That ain’t so…

Yeah Right: I was wearing them at the time.

King Hippo (grimacing): That ain’t right. Why you gotta be so mean?

Covalent Blonde (shrugging): Eh, it’s a gift.


A police sergeant enters.

Police Sergeant (getting his keys out): All right, we’re releasing the lot of you. Just do us a favor and stay out of trouble. We don’t want to see you again.

Yeah Right (running out the door): Freeeeeeee-doooooommmm!!!

Covalent Blonde (to the sergeant as she exits): I’ll make sure Braveheart there keeps his nose clean.

King Hippo (rushing to catch up): Hey, wait for me!

As the three exit the police station, a mysterious man steps out of the shadows.

Mikhail Bight: Covalent Blonde? I’m Mikhail Bight, and I need your help.

To be continued…


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Horatio Cornblower

By the way there’s not a chance in hell Otto’s coming back is there?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am saddened by this.

Otto, if you are out there, please forgive me for making fun of the Dontari Poe pick. He is a very good player.



I still think his dad is Bill Otto running for congress in Missouri…Or he is in fact Hillary Clinton.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I feel like this should play some sort of role:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey, I can sing “The Thrill is Gone” too.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Can you sing “The Heat Is On?”



I used to play the Hulk Hogan looking guy who had the Iron Claw move. My brother would play the Amazon guy. It would drive me crazy when he landed one of his face biting moves.

Don T

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Enrico Pallazzo

There isn’t nearly enough fucking in this series. But, then again, we don’t need to read about Moose and the Girl Scouts.

monty this seems strange to me

Filler material? Your DFO stock options are revoked.


I never beat Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Even tried when I was dicking around on an emulator in college. Yeah, I’ve watched the youtube videos and everything; I’m just so uptight that, once the match starts, I’m too fucking on edge to follow the procedures.

As you can imagine, I hate going to horror movies and always hold my girlfriend in front of me as a shield at haunted houses.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I just beat Double Dragon the other night.

A friend of mine has a simulator that runs pretty much every video game ever invented and he built an old-time arcade case for it with joysticks and a spinner. It’s pretty much the greatest thing ever.

Anyway, we beat Double Dragon the other night.


It took months but I did beat Tyson.
I was absurdly proud of it.


Yeah, don’t get me wrong – beating Tyson was really, really hard.

Horatio Cornblower

One time I got the high score on a Centipede game at an arcade.

monty this seems strange to me

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monty this seems strange to me

Lies like this are why we keep him stuffed in that locker.


I never considered myself particularly good at Nintendo, but I’ve accomplished a lot of the supposedly impossible feats (beat Mike Tyson, beat Contra with just three lives, beat Pro Wrestling) so I guess I was pretty decent. I always thought my biggest accomplishment was beating 1943 – though I needed a turbo button joystick to do it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I’m in awe of anyone who beat Contra with 3 lives. I did beat Metal Slug X on 5 lives though!

A proud moment for me was beating the House of the Dead arcade game on 1 quarter.


Oh yeah, those turbo button controllers were the shit. Pretty sure I beat Street Fighter with Chun-Li because I just held down the kick button and the controller let her do her crazy leg the entire way.

Also great, Cammie.



I have to admit that one time while driving my family to North Carolina, the kids were bitching about the drive.

So I made up a game called “Who Can Find the Ugliest Person in a Car?”

Yes, it was mean. Yes, it worked for about an hour. Yes, we still talk about the winner. One of my sons named the person “Fart Fat” or something like that.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

The children are our future.

These children.

And others like them.


We’re doomed.


We used to play dead animal.
1 point for living animals.
2 points for a dead one.
3 points for one that was really squished.
Most points at the end of the trip is the winner.
Special bonus feature, dead person equals automatic win.
My sister and I both got the auto win within 3 minutes of each other one trip.
My sister saw a what might have been a nodded out homeless guy, but the medics weren’t really doing anything.
Three blocks later I spotted a potential jumper on the sixth floor roof.
My Mother, the ref, made the call we both one. I don’t think she was proud of how happy we both were.


Man, if my wife and I had played that on our recent drive from New Orleans to Pensacola, we’d have flipped the game.

The Maestro

OK, this has the dad of the week award written all over it here. Well done.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He should balance the article with the successful plays, of which he had several. Most of his points are valid, but with seven games in the sample size, learning and rebound date are just not there. The Houston signing is a gamble, plain and simple, but not as dire as he makes it out.


Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That being said; I fully support Elway’s decision NOT to make that gamble and bandaide it with a good team.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Fun fact: I once covered the entire Upper Peninsula, from Copper Harbor to a godforsaken rest stop about an hour south of the Mackinac(sp?) bridge from about 10 pm to 5 am fueled by a liter bottle of Mountain Dew. Got a speeding ticket for going through downtown Ishpeming at 75.

Friendliest troopers I’ve ever met.


You made all those places up.

Horatio Cornblower
monty this seems strange to me

Just because you can edit Wikipedia pages doesn’t mean you’re not a liar.


Whenever I go to Circle K, I always sample the latest Mountain Dew creation in the fountain dispenser.

It all tastes like carbonated cough syrup.


Tiny Horatio with the little font size always cracks me up. It’s truly the little things.

Horatio Cornblower

You sound like my wife.

Doktor Zymm

My typical response to “Are we there yet?” is “Yes, get out” without slowing down the car.


I like to tell people we passed our destination HOURS ago, and now we’re just driving until the brakes work again. This works really well with high-strung people, while traveling at high speeds.

Don T

Fighter Hayabusa could have beaten Andre The Giant on his prime!
1. Knock Andre down
2. Move just below Andre
3. Brain kick when Andre gets up
4. Repeat
5. Shrug off DAS CHEATIN’ complaints
6. Brace for being struck in the face with an NES controller for beyond the pale “I Am Invincible” gloating, having no friends left