Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 25)

The scene: The highway to Las Vegas. Doktor Zymm is driving and Moosemas Gorilla is taking up the backseat, Horatio on his shoulder. Otto’s Brain is on the passenger side, strapped into a child’s car seat.

Otto’s Brain: This is humiliating.

Doktor Zymm: It ist zo you do not roll around ze car.

Otto’s Brain (pouting): Horatio doesn’t have to sit in a child’s seat…

Doktor Zymm: Horatio has der gorilla to keep him zafe. You, on ze other hand, are a deadly projectile vaiting to happen.

Otto’s Brain: It’s not fair.

Doktor Zymm (sighing): I am not having zis conversation again. You are ze one zat called “shotgun.”

Horatio Cornblower (from the back seat): Are we there yet?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Nein, ve are not zere yet. Ve have gone maybe ten miles zince ze last time you asked.

Horatio Cornblower: When you’re my size, it’s hard to tell distance.

Otto’s Brain: Zymm, can you turn on the radio?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. Ve can never agree which channel to listen to, and I don’t vant to argue again.

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, Zymm, how about some music?

Doktor Zymm (her knuckles going white on the steering wheel): Nein. I just told Otto no. Veren’t you listening?

Horatio Cornblower: I’m six inches tall. My ears are tiny.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, a rest stop’s coming up! I could really use a roll.

Doktor Zymm: Fine, I vill…

Horatio Cornblower: Hey, Zymm, can we stop at that rest stop?

Doktor Zymm (taking the rest stop exit at high speed): Ja, ja! Ve are going to ze rest ztop! Vill zat make you all happy?

Horatio Cornblower: Wow, take it easy, Zymm!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Otto’s Brain: Yeah, it’s probably good we’re stopping. You seem really stressed out.

Doktor Zymm pulls into a parking spot and gets out of the car, slamming the door behind her.

Otto’s Brain: Is she coming back?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Horatio Cornblower (nodding in agreement): Yeah, no kidding. I’m glad we’re heading to Vegas, too. I think Zymm really needs to blow off some steam.

Moosemas Gorilla gets out of the car with Horatio, goes to the passenger side, and unbuckles Otto’s Brain.

Otto’s Brain (popping out of the car and rolling off): Thanks, guys!

Horatio Cornblower: No problem, Otto. Just don’t go too far. Zymm’s going to want to get on the road again soon.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: No, I don’t think we’ll find a banana stand here. But I do need to make a pit stop. My ears aren’t the only thing that are tiny.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: I was talking about my bladder, smart guy. I had a thimble of Mountain Dew in the car.

Cut to: The Las Vegas Police Department jail. Yeah Right is sitting in a cell, singing the Blues. Covalent Blonde is in the next cell,holding a pillow over her ears. In the last cell is the musclehead she picked a fight with. He has a cast on his arm. His name is… King Hippo.

OK, who saw that coming? Amirite? A yuuuuuge MMA guy turns out to be King Hippo…pretty clever, right?

Oh, you guys knew that already? Well, aren’t you all a buncha know-it-alls. Sure, if you know about Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out, but…hey, you know what game I really liked on the old Nintrendo system?  Pro Wrestling. No, that was the name, not just the genre. Remember that one? It looked like this:

Tough game! I never got past Great Puma for the win. It’s one of my life’s great regrets. I also should have bought Marvel stock back in the mid-90’s when it was about $2 a share.

What? Filler? How dare you! I slave away, week in and week out, and that’s the thanks I get? Why, I should…

Oh, fine. You got me. All right, we return you now to our regularly-scheduled story.

Yeah Right (singing):

Nobody knooooows

The trouble I’ve seen

Nobody knooooows

My sor-

Covalent Blonde: Seriously? You’ve been singing that same damn song since they arrested us!

Yeah Right: It’s the only jailhouse song I know.

Covalent Blonde: If I hear it one more time, I’m gonna…

King Hippo: Hey, leave the little guy alone! I like the way he sings. It reminds me of the way my dog used ta howl.

Covalent Blonde: The way you fight, you probably should have stuck to music appreciation in college.

King Hippo: That’s mean! Besides, I don’t fight girls.

Covalent Blonde: You also couldn’t find your way out of a kimura lock if I gave you written instructions. You can read, can’t you?

King Hippo (to Yeah Right): Is she always this mean?

Yeah Right: Pretty much. Once I made fun of Jim Harbaugh and she tied my jeans into a knot.

King Hippo: That ain’t so…

Yeah Right: I was wearing them at the time.

King Hippo (grimacing): That ain’t right. Why you gotta be so mean?

Covalent Blonde (shrugging): Eh, it’s a gift.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

A police sergeant enters.

Police Sergeant (getting his keys out): All right, we’re releasing the lot of you. Just do us a favor and stay out of trouble. We don’t want to see you again.

Yeah Right (running out the door): Freeeeeeee-doooooommmm!!!

Covalent Blonde (to the sergeant as she exits): I’ll make sure Braveheart there keeps his nose clean.

King Hippo (rushing to catch up): Hey, wait for me!

As the three exit the police station, a mysterious man steps out of the shadows.

Mikhail Bight: Covalent Blonde? I’m Mikhail Bight, and I need your help.

To be continued…