Holy piss, it’s another CrimeBeat!
So this is the only week between now and the draft that I will concede a “normal” person can reasonably enjoy Sport. Opening Week of beisbol has its charms (I’m working on a way to distill and bottle the BFIB angst sweat, a la Oliver Wendell Jones’ Cat Sweat Scalp Tonic). Similarly, watching the Oakland Warriors try to win more games than another team from 20 years ago that I enjoyed watching is…well…adequate. And then there’s the big question on everyone’s mind: will UConn beat Syracuse for its fourth straight NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship by 30 or by 45?

But fuck that noise, we’ve got business to attend to. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED!

TROY SMITH

CHARGE: Giving half-wits an opening for new Michael Sam jokes

Troy Smith, former Raven, Niner, Stiller and All-you-ette serial disappointment and owner of the second largest Heisman-win-margin in history, was allegedly busted by the Westerville Police Department for driving under the various and sundry influences. The suburban Columbus officer apparently pulled him over for a missing front license plate and “weaving” and booked him for blowing a .143 BAC and having two joints in the center console.

Troy was a damn mess through the whole incident. The ‘headline’ quote was that he told the officer “My name is Troy Smith. I graduated from Ohio State with a degree in bachelors.” Obviously this has set off tittering amongst the half-clever of the internet, each one competing to find their own variation on “Isn’t that what Michael Sam majored in? Hyuckhyuckhyuck!” I, in turn, died a little inside each time I saw one of these.

Several interesting points from the incident:

1. Columbus has suburbs. I was not aware of that. I thought it was the government buildings, the university, several tattoo parlors and a palpable sense of relief that you don’t live in Cleveland or Cincinnati.
2. There were initially doubts as to whether he was, in fact, an Ohio State alum. His identity was confirmed, however, when he was asked to recite the alphabet from C to W and gave up after dotting the “I”
3. Drunk driving and marijuana possession be damned- they’re going to throw the book at him because he failed to ostentatiously refer to it as THE Ohio State University while being questioned by police.

ROYCEPHUS WILLIAMS

CHARGE: I dunno, but Hippo seems to think hanging’s too good for ‘im.

Usually I can’t be bothered to give a shit about college anything. I went to a Division III school for undergrad and law school, and the fact that we have a football team is news to some juniors. The concept of collegiate athletics as anything to care about if you don’t have a friend on the team is a bit foreign to me. Apparently the morally superior team won last evening? Huzzah? Regardless, I think we can all agree that this guy:

who allegedly didn’t know anything about how his “young men” were maintaining their eligibility so that he could get massive financial bonuses for their performance, is a fuckface.

That being said, the larger concept that major universities (and especially ostensibly-publicly-funded-even-though-it’s-mostly-tuition-now ones) go to these extremes to keep their players eligible is even further beyond absurd. I watch Dr. Mrs. Mayhem navigate the minefield of higher education every day. If she had administrative pressure from an athletic department to pass students who never went to class, or set up a class that didn’t actually exist so that they could stay eligible to play a game, she would legitimately cut someone.

And she would be right to.

On the other side I’m not one of those NPR milquetoast militants who (with a brave quaver in their little voice) posts bitchy-but-well-spelled screeds on Facebook about how Universities Should Only Be For Teaching and Research. I am a great believer that the “educational experience” encompasses a wide range of development that happens during the time a kid is at college, and that psychosocial development means at least as much as whether they remember whether the Eocene or Oligocene Epoch comes first. And sports can be part of that.

But at the end of the day, one has to ask “Why are we doing this? Why does this institution exist?” I believe that if you told the citizens of the state of Alabama that they could either have an institution of higher learning or Division I sports teams, Nick Saban would still have a job at the end of that day. And they are not the only ones.

So Roy Williams, Butch Jones, Jimbo Fisher and all the other fuckheads who get rich because the police or the administration have lost sight of why they exist should all be pilloried and violated by an unfloured rolling pin. At least Villanova saves it’s cheating for things that matter.

TEFLON LESEAN MCCOY

CHARGE:

OK, that’s overstating it, but still: no charges for the Bills’ primary running back.

It’s been a long, strange trip for Shady on this one. First it was McCoy might be fucked because there’s video evidence. Then it was the DA and the cops are disagreeing, so maybe it gets pled out. Then it went full Law V Order: Dawn of Injustice when the Fraternal Order of Police started lobbing D-cells at the DA.

Now, the prosecutor has officially announced that no charges will allegedly be filed against McCoy or any of his group in connection with the incident. Essentially, it appeared to boil down to being unable to definitively establish that it was McCoy’s group that started the fight, which is to say it sounds like the cops probably started it.

The Fraternal Order of Police promptly lost its shit, because that’s essentially what FOPs are for. The local head called the outcome “a season-ticket-hunting District Attorney refus[ing] to do his sworn job and prosecute the attackers.” I’m not sure what use the Philly DA would have for Bills season tickets, but logic is optional here.

Most cops in large cities have a hard fucking job, and they deserve incredible respect for performing a public service at lower-than-appropriate wages. However, the “war on cops” narrative that you see FOPs and certain “news” organizations trying to sell is bullshit. It’s either a delusion or a cynical attempt to improve bargaining positions at the negotiation table. “I go out there every morning not knowing if I’m coming home alive” makes great TV dialogue, but cops are half as likely to be killed on the job as garbage collectors. And throwing a fit every time someone suggests that police officers may have acted wrongly doesn’t help your cause- it just makes you look like a tool.

Fortunately for fans of CrimeBeat!, this is (of course) not the end-end of the story. Presidente-General Goodell still needs to weigh in on whether McCoy violated his obligation to Protect the Shield by being captured on videotape. The current line in Vegas favors “Suspended for two games, reduced to one on appeal, allowed to serve during the pre-season”, presumably because that makes about as much sense as anything else.

POST SHOW NOTES:

1. I’m not addressing the Greg Hardy “I Never Laid A Hand On A Woman” interview, because I don’t have the cash to replace the monitor I would inevitably throw through a wall.
2. I’m likely going to be out next week, so if anyone wants to be Joan Rivers to my Johnny Carson, please drop me a direct message.