Your NHL Eastern Conference Preview & Monday Open Thread

Psst – You know that Monday after Super Bowl, or Christmas Eve, when there’s almost no sports worth watching on the teevee? Well, we’ve entered that two-day realm tonight. There’s no hockey, and basketball only has one game worth caring about and that’s on Wednesday. There have been some firings today – Don Maloney OUT as GM of the Arizona Phoenix Arizona Coyotes – but it’s nothing compared to the thrill of Black Monday in the NFL. We might literally DIE!!11!1!

BUT, did you know there’s actual sports playoffs starting soon? Hockey’s starts this Wednesday, and basketball starts theirs on the weekend. The long slags of the regular season comes down to exciting battles to win 16 games and hoist a trophy.

Before Canada shuts down all foreign sports broadcasts until September due to our non-participation, I thought I would try and get some interest in following along by previewing the annual quest for Lord Stanley’s mug. After that, and once the Raptors get bounced, it’s just two months until the start of the CFL season.

In Gary Bettman’s infinite ‘wisdom’, the NHL playoffs start this Wednesday, a seemingly randomly-chosen date doomed to be overshadowed in the media by the Warriors quest for 73. Nonetheless, with only the NBA as a viable form of sports entertainment for the next couple of days – I like baseball but c’mon, it’s Week 2 of a 26-week, 162-game season – for the next two nights the Open Thread will consist of laying out simple previews for each Conference’s first-round series. I’ve asked various Commentists to provide, in the following days, individual previews in response to my barbs/guesses.

Eastern Conference – Round One (first 4 game dates in parenthesis)

Florida vs NY Islanders (Wed/Fri/Sun/Tues)

This has the potential to be the dullest series in the Eastern Conference. Up until last year, you could get a season’s ticket in Miami for as little as $500, and they were rumoured on the move to Quebec City. Now, the Panthers are led by a revived Roberto Luongo and the too-old-for-the-Penguins Jaromir Jagr. Somehow, through a combination of efficient hair grooming and probable eastern European “supplements”, that turned into MAGIC! and a first-place finish in their division. For the Isles, who were once also rumoured on the move to Quebec before being bought by a Russian and moving downtown, it’s been goaltender-by-committee in Brooklyn, but their Goals Against Average (GAA) has remained steady throughout the year, which helped keep them in playoff contention. Speculated future Maple Leaf John Tavares led the Isles in scoring, but not by a lot. Tight netminding and close games got both of these teams into the playoffs. Whether or not Lui has a(nother) case of the yips will be the determining factor here, because Jagr seems on a mission.

Prediction: Panthers in 6.

Tampa Bay vs Detroit (Thurs/Fri/Sun/Wed)

Oh wait, I’m sorry – this has the potential to be the dullest series in the Eastern Conference . Tampa, due to not having speculated future Maple Leaf Steven Stamkos available due to blood clots, have a pretty weak offence. The scoring drop-off is pretty dramatic below him, so they are going to have to rely on goaltending; luckily, Ben Bishop is a stud between the pipes. Detroit, however, backed into the playoffs, and their leading scorers are either old or retiring. Which goalie will let them down is the only mystery here. To think Mike Babcock left all this to go coach the Leafs; methinks he just wanted to golf two weeks earlier this year.

Prediction: Tampa in 5.

Washington vs Philadelphia (Thurs/Sat/Mon/Wed)

Now we’re cooking with gas. This will be some good old-time playoff hockey between two teams that don’t like each other. These teams played a barnburner a couple of weeks back, and made it look like they actually had some good hate built up that only a seven-game series could alleviate. These two teams have a playoff history that goes back to Dale Hunter cheap-shotting Pierre Turgeon in 1993. The Capitals ran away with the East this year, and the Ovechkin-Holtby tandem accounts for 90% of the reason why. Philly won both their play-in games, but shaky goaltending, low scoring and the death of owner/dictator Ed Snider will put a dent in their chances. Still, there’s going to be lots of hitting, and – Ovie aside – the Capitals don’t like to be touched. This might be Washington’s hardest challenge on their way to the Finals.

Prediction:  Washington in 6.

Pittsburgh vs NY Rangers (Wed/Sat/Tues/Thurs)

This is the other on-paper fun Eastern Conference series. Glorified Trent Dilfer Sidney Crosby leads a battered but resilient team into a potential slobberknocker with a goaltending-first team in Henrik Lundqvist & the Rangers. Pittsburgh’s scoring comes in bunches, and that can hurt them if they go cold at the wrong time. The Rangers have equal scoring: they’re going to get 3-4 goals a game; it all depends on whether they can keep out 3-4 goals a game. The reason Pittsburgh is hosting to start is because of how those 4-3 scores finished during the season. In the end, it will all come down to whether Pittsburgh’s Marc-Andre Fleury lets in too many soft goals on the four third-lines the Rangers dress, and if the Penguins signed former overpaid Maple Leaf Phil Kessel’s conditioning coach through May.

Prediction: Pittsburgh in 6.

Tomorrow, the Western Conference preview. But for now, GET TO ARGUIN’!

 

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

Nope. Maybe they have to be posted by Sill.

Gratliff

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Right here. I got your new page.

WCS

MEMP. Sorry, Seamus, that’s incorrect. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy! where the scores can really change?

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite game: New Page Russian Roulette! Who is going to be the one that posts a comment and opens up a new page?

Redshirt

Chicago Cubs fans are like Pittsburgh Steelers fans, only their smugness is unjustified because their team hasn’t won any championships since before the Great War.

...

The best part of a Cubs win is all the people waving around blatant knockoff W flags.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, baseball happened today in Boston too.
But I am legally not allowed to say what it was.
NCSU swept Wake tho. Woooo!!!!!

...

Cubs Twitter is going bonkers and a few are trying to figure out why people are making “Finnegan’s Wake” jokes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Inorite????
I’m making some short change nachos (a bunch of shit throw in a bowl and microwaved) because of late baseball/re-arrival home and that looks really good.
/to be clear, the food looks good, not Randy’s eruption

...

Another Cubs good, another Zymm disturbance.

...

And I still giggle at the fact there’s a fat pitcher named Jumbo Diaz.

Doktor Zymm
Sill Bimmons

That raccoon is better at raccooning than you or I will ever be at anything.

...

He’s so perfectly plump!

Doktor Zymm

It reminds me of the stadium noise from the old Sim City. I kinda like it that way.

...

The Cubs TV guys said they felt the press box shaking after that home run and that they hadn’t felt that since Kerry Wood’s 2003 NLCS Game 7 home run.

Doktor Zymm

I’m gonna have to get used to this “optimistic Cubs fans” thing

Doktor Zymm

Actual current headline from local news affiliate : “Person Shot by Police in Chicago”
The article : “Race, gender and condition are unknown”

Doktor Zymm

I need to stop reading cwbchicago.com, I now have lots of snarky opinions on city management of the CPD.

Doktor Zymm

I’m actually quite looking forward to checking out the Wrigley construction progress. I’ve heard good things.

Gratliff

So it collapsed?

Redshirt

Oh, that’s right. I’m from Cincinnati. I can’t experience any happiness. Any feelings of happiness is only to be used to setup abject disappointment.

WCS

Now you’re on the trolley!

...

Cubs finally decide they want to try to score runs. That’s nice.

Doktor Zymm

They just did something more good. I can hear the happiness from here.

American Pie Story

“Go Cubs Go”?

...

I get the good about 5-10 seconds after you do.

litre_cola

I gotta say I miss the page back in the day where, “Team X’s fans react reasonably. That always gave me a good laugh, and with the Ice Sox not making the playoffs, I believe that it would be good reading.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ice? You mean the ice they put on the Cokes they serve to the relievers in the Bullpen?

– Boston fans

litre_cola

Yeah totally screwed that one up. I still miss that article though!!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

You should write one. Flex those creative writing muscles!

litre_cola

I will think about it. I will look in to TAHHMMMYYY from Quinzeee and see what they had to say bout the no playoffs. I am on the road for work the next 3 days and am in a small town and will have nothing to do, should do my taxes but fuck it.

Doktor Zymm

Due to various typos on the Stanley Cup, I will henceforth refer to the Islanders as Ilanders, the Maple Leafs and Maple Leaes, and the city of Boston as BQSTQN. Also, I will pretend that it was Dan Snyder who died instead of Ed Snider.

Senor Weaselo

How do you write a Q instead of an O? The Q takes more work.

Doktor Zymm

I assume it’s computer engraved, but even so, the Q isn’t near the O on a keyboard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
theeWeeBabySeamus

That DOES NOT look like Helen and Thelma Lou. Ang’ and Barn’ getting some strange.

Gratliff

Apparently, Jake Voracek’s scoring has slowed down because he’s been busy leading his people to the holy land.
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WCS

Mike, you smooth muthafucka…

ballsofsteelandfury

I will never get tired of bad Maple Leaf player jokes.

Redshirt

So my Reds who are supposed to suck this year are 5-1 and the pitcher tonight is 6 innings into a no hitter.

I don’t understand baseball.

Gratliff

I was looking for a snarky mean regression image, but this came up in google instead and seemed appropriate.
http://i.imgur.com/UUTaaGP.png

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait until he hits 100 pitches and the manager takes him out…

Redshirt

Cubs ruined things (as usual). He lasted 107 pitches with a no-hitter. He’s up to 111 and he finally getting replaced. He was on fumes.

The Reds bullpen was funny. They had three pitcher stretching but not throwing. As soon as that blooper hit left field, they had two pitchers throwing like crazy.

ballsofsteelandfury

Maybe I’m an old fuck, but I think it’s ridiculous that pitchers are on pitch counts. Back in my day, a complete game wasn’t a rarity.

http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/019/304/old.jpg

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2j6qkg

Pepe Le Pew:Wile E Coyote::Sweet Home Alabama:Freebird

Redshirt

John Kasich did pretty good in his Family’s Town Hall on CNN. He was personable. He was reasonable. He was likeable. He was natural. He was rationable.

So being he’s in the Republican Party, he has no chance to win.

the king in yellow

Keep in mind that by comparison he may seem like the “reasonable alternative,” but that fucker has the same exact mentality that plagues every Republican: If he doesn’t like something or finds it offensive, he’s going to place his preferences over the preferences of everyone else and forbid ANYONE from enjoying it. The asshole tried to have the movie Fargo removed from Blockbuster just because he found it disgusting. Fargo. Now imagine what other things that he might find disgusting and remember that he was willing to cause a stink over a Cohen Brothers movie. From his book, “Stand for Something: blahblahbullshit” :

“I was in my local video store looking for a movie to watch with my wife, Karen, during one of our few quiet evenings together at home. The clerk in the store recommended Fargo, a perversely dark crime story that had played to generally enthusiastic reviews. The movie even earned a Best Actress Oscar for Frances McDormand for her role as a pregnant Midwestern sheriff, and the guy behind the counter at Blockbuster assured me it was a great movie and that I should probably rent it.”
“So I did. Walked right over to that shelf where they had their general titles, grabbed a copy and took it home, and when Karen and I got to the part where they chop up a guy in a grinder we looked at each other and thought, What the heck are we watching here? It was billed as a comedy, but it wasn’t funny. It was graphic, and brutal, and completely unnecessary, and it rubbed us in so many wrong ways we had to shut the thing off right there in the middle… Next morning, I got on the phone to Blockbuster and demanded that they take the movie off their shelves.”

Doktor Zymm

So, once I finish my large jigsaw puzzle and have free table space, I have a few options for my next project. The two most likely are a) creating Zymmflix on my own cloud system by sticking Hadoop on a cluster composed of a few Raspberry Pis or b) Mini genetics lab http://www.the-odin.com/tutorials/

Gratliff

Yay tech stuff and whatever all that other shit is!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Now GMO free!

Doktor Zymm

I feel like there should be more GMO free jokes about condoms.

ballsofsteelandfury

I understood everything until the word “creating”.

BTW, I will NOT be able to take advantage of the unbelievable fare to Stockholm as I couldn’t work it work-wise. The Spring of Balls ended just as suddenly as it began…

Doktor Zymm

Sad face 🙁

There will be other awesome airfares, don’t worry, there will be the Something of Balls soon enough!

ballsofsteelandfury

Thanks so much for the tip though!

PHRASING!

Duchess

How I learned about Will Smith’s death:

My girlfriend

How my girlfriend learned about Will Smiths death:

Kim Kardashian….

I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep.

ballsofsteelandfury

Wait, seriously?

Duchess

the saints player not the actor

ballsofsteelandfury

Ah! I read Kim Kardashian and that’s where my mind went.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy shit, Luongo is still in the league?!?!

Sill Bimmons

He and Jagr are often seen getting the early bird at the Sunrise Country Kitchen Buffet:

http://southparkstudios-intl.mtvnimages.com/shared/sps/media/images/710/710_image_04.jpg

Gratliff

BULLET CLUB IN WWE! /mark out

Senor Weaselo

This is not great, -1?

JustStopDude

Ugh…there is zero point to this.

Palin supporters are never going to be moved by any stupid thing she does in public. People that don’t understand basic science will never agree to modifying their behavior due to the effect man is having on global temperatures. Bill Nye is not a climate scientist.

Doktor Zymm

I once got someone to agree with me that rain is impossible, because water is heavy, and how does it get in the sky in the first place? I’ve never been happier that I don’t have kids.

Senor Weaselo

Did you tell them about the scourge that is DHMO?

Doktor Zymm

That stuff is only one atom away from hydrogen peroxide!

Sill Bimmons

It’s just fantastic to watch them.

Did you ever see the Ken Ham debate?

Shorter Bill Nye:

http://img.pandawhale.com/43639-Patton-Oswalt-It-says-in-the-B-QVGe.png

And yes, Bill Nye is neither an evolutionary scientist nor is he a climate scientist.

However…

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Gratliff

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Sill Bimmons

IT’S SKY BAKLAVA MOTHERFUCKER

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are right; Bill Nye is not a climate scientist. Does he have to be? He is knowledgeable on many science related topics including CC and is fairly good at debating. However Palin is mentally deficient in so many ways that it does seem pointless. It could backfire in that he is picking on someone so ignorant I guess. I also doubt it would change anybodies mind.

Redshirt

(four minutes in the debate)

JR: For the love of God, stop the damn match!

Doktor Zymm

MLB just approved wearable electronics during games (http://www.wareable.com/sport/mlb-wearable-tech-in-game-use-2550) while the NBA just yelled at a guy for using a wearable. I’m guessing a football wearable would be really interesting, informative, and useful for avoiding injury and investigating the concussion problem. So, how many weeks before a potential football-oriented wearable comes out will the NFL ban it?

Senor Weaselo

Yesterday?

JustStopDude

I have no fucking clue how these guys have this set up, but somehow not only do I have internet here, I also have ESPN…but I am stuck watching the fucking Mets try and destroy the sport of baseball for me.

Monday Night Baseball announcers are already garbage…when its a 8-0 blowout in the 4th, its crime against humanity.

JustStopDude
Senor Weaselo

It’s nice to have the Mets being the Mets again.

JustStopDude

Who seriously thought that Marlins-Mets was a game worthy of a national broadcast?!?

Gratliff

I’m not sure how I missed it, but how does Dale Hunter trying to kill Pierre Turgeon get included in a Flyers-Caps preview?

Sill Bimmons

AND HE SEES IT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know that the Hartford Whalers don’t exist anymore. And I know that, as such, I am liberated to root for any team I choose. It would be very, very easy for me to say “hey, you know what? I’m gonna root for the local team here and cheer for the Kings.” But I’ve found that, despite my best efforts, despite all my attempts to root for this proud franchise here in L.A., I simply cannot bring myself to care about hockey.

ALXMAC
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought you were going to hit me with “It’s Raining Men” one more time, and I have to admit I’m disappointed that you didn’t.

ALXMAC

ITS NOT NOR FAULT TIKKI!!

Sill Bimmons

When you can trade one of the top 5 centers of all time and a borderline HOF defenseman for two whole other guys you do it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, they already had Mike Zuke, why would they need Ron Francis anymore?

Gratliff

And then the sequel where they traded future HoFer Chris Pronger because he was a disappointment in his second year after being named to the All Rookie team his first year. 3 finals appearances, a Stanley cup, a Norris Trophy, a Hart trophy, and a couple gold medals later, and it basically balances out for one year of Brendan Shannahan.

Doktor Zymm

Hockey is weird for me, since it’s the only sport where both my home city and my current city don’t suck. I’ve enjoyed watching hockey since about 7th grade, but the various changes kind of ruined the regular season for me, so now I can feel like the rest of Chicago and only give a shit about the playoffs. Should it come down to a choice between the Caps and the Hawks, I’ll go DC in a second, but that’s yet to happen, so…go both of y’all, for now!

scotchnaut

/reading Augusten Burroughs’ “Dry” right now

//feel as though I should cut back a bit on the alcohol

///doesn’t cut back

////[wonders “How good can the book be if it can’t make me cut back just a little bit?]

////[gives the book 1 out of 5 stars]

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I presume everyone is rooting against the Raptors just to be rid of Drake

Senor Weaselo

I saw Drake at my school right before he got big, he was the headliner for our annual spring debauchery. I still have no idea how he got this big because that show was awful.

MikeMartzColorsDontRun

Biggest round one upset? I’m saying Flyers (east) and Sharks (west). I’d be shocked as hell if they can take down the Caps, inspirational long-time team owner death or no.
West I could easily see someone saying Wild also, but tragically I live in Minnesota thusly I root for them thusly I will not be that someone.

Sill Bimmons
JustStopDude

Hey Dem O’s is still undefeated! 162-0 gonna happen!!!

By the way, greetings from Guyana. Got told to come here to fix a drive. So I ended up traveling what feels like a fucking week into the jungle, for a gold mine. I feel like I am on the set of a really bad horror movie.

I pull the data from the drive and see it shut itself down on over current protection. I explain that to the people here. They look at me like I am retarded. I ask to see their transformer yard….and then I look at them like they are retarded…

I could smell the fucking burnt animal in the transformer from like 40 yards away. Apparently some mammal decided to commit suicide on a medium voltage transformer. Until they get done scrapping monkey shit off of bus work, I’m here in the middle of nowhere praying that bot flies don’t lay their maggots in my flesh while I sleep.

I seriously need to get this fucking opiate addiction under control because the fucking habit is too goddamn expensive.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I feel like you are experiencing the curse of “may you live in interesting times” distilled down to the life of a single person.

Did you run over a gypsy with your car, or something?

JustStopDude

Fuck if I know…

Gratliff
Gratliff

And here’s Ron Hextall getting tired of Phil Esposito’s shit. Hextall would have been a walking gif thread if he’d come in 20 years later. He’d also probably be in the hall of fame, you stuck up fucks. Fucking Gretzky called him the best goalie he ever played against. I’d put that shit on my tombstone. Yargh tangent

https://youtu.be/erc7srIxACA?t=1m1s

Gratliff

Just imagine the amazing shit we could have done if that shit was in HD. High comedy, all of it.

Sill Bimmons

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Gratliff

The man was an utter psychopath who would just randomly attempt to murder anyone wearing a different uniform. Good goalies have a tendency to be completely mental. He was also one of the best goalies of his era. He gets a bad rap for his GAA, even though he’s got a better SV% than Grant Fuhr and his Post-season SV% is .897 to Fuhr’s .898. God forbid the NHL have to put together a video package that includes Chris Chelios getting brained after he almost killed Brian Propp.

scotchnaut

He’s the only reason the Flyers took the “unstoppable” Oilers to a seventh game in the Finals without Tim Kerr.

Doktor Zymm

In other news, Chicago’s own Aussie Footy club starts practices tomorrow. I should probably go watch.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, you should! And report back!

scotchnaut

Is “Munich” a good movie?

Sill Bimmons

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ALXMAC
Gratliff

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scotchnaut

I like it but I’ve see a ton of “It’s Shitty!” reviews. I like to canvas the commentariat on certain things…

Sill Bimmons

“These two teams have a playoff history that goes back to Dale Hunter cheap-shotting Pierre Turgeon in 1993.”

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When you see it…

Gratliff

Dale Hunter should have been shot halfway through his career.

scotchnaut

Turgeon was unstoppable that year. Hunter decided to do the very same thing that Bobby Clarke did against Kharlamov in ’72.

Sill Bimmons

“Rangers captain Ryan McDonagh didn’t practice Monday because of a hand injury and is unlikely to start when the series opens in Pittsburgh on Wednesday.

Goaltender Henrik Lundqvist left the ice early because he was not feeling well and veteran defenseman Dan Girardi also did not practice because of an injury sustained against Tampa Bay last week.”

http://themavesite.com/TMS-Pictures/Epic/Memes/Hmmm.png

Don T

According to everybody, Josh Gordon tested positive gor pot last month. According to most, OH MY GAWD HAR HAR NO SERIOUSLY FAR SHAYME.

Sill Bimmons

Lock him up.

He’s obviously a threat to himself and others.

scotchnaut

He won me a fantasy league that one year, so for that reason only I wish him the best of luck in real life.

Sill Bimmons

“…and the too-old-for-the-Penguins Jaromir Jagr.”

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Doktor Zymm

The basebacolypse has begun. I was talked into doing the standard, insurance covered battery of blood tests, and thus spent today not eating. They removed some blood, and I walked home, noticing the many people in Cubs attire, and the helicopter that gives aerial views or just makes a racket or whatever it does. People were putting out signs that said “Parking $40” and I knew Cubs Opening Day had arrived. I stopped at my corner bar, because when you’ve been fasting all day and are missing some blood, you should probably have some wine with dinner. I ordered a veggie burger with bacon and sweet potato waffle fries, and was rather bemused by the people around me who were prepping to head to the game. They were mostly alright, except for one young lady who was there with her father, and apparently decided that dumping an entire bottle of cheap perfume on herself was a great thing to do before going to a baseball game. If you watch the Cubs tonight, and entire sections of the crowd pass out or leave, you know where she’s sitting.

Anyway, I got home, and the Cubs Community Newsletter was waiting for me in my mailbox. I gotta say, I like the Ricketts, mainly because of their willingness to spend a metric shit ton (that’s 13.33% more than an English shit ton) of money, and despite being in Chicago, they actually get things for that money. Robbery is up over 130% in Wrigleyville this year, but I’m guessing the private police force they’re hiring for games (most of which are off-duty real police, cause the city don’t pay em) will actually keep the drunken crowds safe enough that it won’t hit the national spotlight. Also, tearing down the McDonalds that always had fights in the parking lot is probably a good step for neighborhood safety.

So welcome, drunk suburbanites, to my corner of the city! Make an ass of yourself, spend a bunch of money, and try not to be mugged or kill anyone when you drive home! Do what the city of Chicago won’t do and drag my property values upward, with, possibly, the prospects of the Cubs!