No trips for me this week, so we are back to our regular schedule. There is a LOT to talk about.  Remember that talk we had about Hawthorn?  Apparently somebody was paying attention.  The details behind that, our first 100+ point victory margin of the season, a new footballer to meet, and much more after I bid you

I am disappointed that I couldn’t find the helicopter shot gif of the opening to Temptation Island. Ohmygodyouguys, do you remember that show?!?!  That was the friggen best and by the best of course I mean the worst but it’s so bad it’s the best.  But enough about me.

Welcome to Balls of Steel’s AFL Beat!

This weekend was an exercise in waking up early for Ole Balls as the showcase match of the Round, North Melbourne Kangaroos vs Western Bulldogs, started at 3 AM Pacific on Thursday night/Friday morning.  I managed to wake up only a half hour prior to my normal time and so I caught most of the second half.  It looks like the Roos are for real!  They clamped down on defense (or defence as our Canadian and Australian friends prefer) and held the Doggies to 45 for the game while winning a tight one 61-45.  The Roos remain the only undefeated team in the competition.

The Doggies hung tough

but the Roos were tougher

and flew over the Doggies in the end

BTW, I have it on good authority that Ben Cunnington’s friends call him “Cunny” for short.  I’m not sure what his girlfriend calls him.

Friday night in North America brought five matches with the first being the biblical clash between the St. Kilda Saints and the hated Melbourne Demons. In this go around, Good triumphed over Evil as the Saints burst the game wide open in the second half and ended up winning 135-96.

I’ve no idea either.  Here are some highlights:

You’ve got to love a man whose nickname is “Silky”:

At roughly the same time, Adelaide was hosting the reeling and winless Fremantle Dockers.  To be perfectly honest, the Dockers played well and hung in there for most of the first half.  Unfortunately for the Dockers, the Crows turned it up and only a late surge from Fremantle made the final score as close as it was.  The Crows won 97-64 and have left Fremantle as the only winless team in the competition.

You know it couldn’t be an Adelaide recap without an Eddie Betts highlight:

For funsies, here is one of the Crows’ rare mistakes:

Dude!  I mean, dude!

Later that night, the GWS Giants hosted the Hawthorn Hawks in a game that many said would determine if the Giants were for real and if the Hawks’ run of luck would continue. Well, the answer was an emphatic YES and NO as the Giants beat up on the Hawks and won by 75.  This highlight is a pretty good summary of how the night went for the Hawks:

I do love me some alliteration.  Great job AFL social media team!

Late late late on Friday night (which actually became Saturday morning for me as I fell asleep and woke up early, again, to catch the second half) Geelong took on the Gold Coast Suns at home in what was expected to be a relatively easy victory.  That easy victory turned into a tremendous thrashing as the Cats scratched the shit out of the Suns by 120 motherflipping points, 168-48!

If the Cats had only scored one more point, I would have had an awesome graphic to show you!  Oh well, maybe next time.  Here are a couple of highlights showing how the Cats controlled the game and took advantage of the Suns for easy scores:

It was a beautiful thing to watch and I’m so happy I woke up early for it!

The other game that was being played at the same time featured the Port Adelaide Power taking on the Richmond Tigers.  Both teams were desperate for the win that could possibly turn around their season.  To their credit, the Power went into the MCG and took the game from the Tigers by a final score of 94-59.  It was a hugely important win for the Power that leaves them just a game out of the top eight at 3-3. Richmond drops to 1-5 and is just one game above the Fremantle Dockers in the battle for the Wooden Spoon with a game next week against a Hawks team that got embarrassed this week.  A quick GIS for “This doesn’t bode well” yielded this:

The AFL Beat turned into Moose’s AFL Beat so gradually I didn’t even notice.

To add injury to insult, the Tigers may be without forward Kane Lambert after this hit sent him to the hospital:

Here is a good long shot by the Power’s Matthew Broadbent:

Have I told you that I love Australian last names?  Speaking of,

***

This

70’s porn star is Taylor “Texas” Walker, lovingly called “Tex” by the AFL announcers covering Adelaide Crows games.  He is the Crows’ captain and has been with the team since his AFL debut in 2009.  Here is a selected Q&A from the Crows’ website:

Nickname: Tex/Peds/Whacky

Best piece of advice your mother gave you: It doesn’t cost to use manners

If you weren’t a footballer, what would you like to be: Pro gambler

Do you have a saying or motto that you live your life by: Control what you can control

If you could ask someone to be your mentor, who would it be:Dwyane Wade

How many text messages do you send a day: Depends on how many I get

Three phone apps you can’t live without: Alarm/clock

Favourite Twitter account you follow: @almatavern

Most embarrassing song in your iTunes: Zorba’s Dance

Can you change a spare tyre: If there’s a manual

Do you believe in UFOs: No

Three famous people you would like to meet: D-Wade

What do you have that is of great value to you, but no one else:Super king bed

He even has a porn star name!  Whacky Walker!  The love for Dwade is a bit weird, but hey so are all of us.

***

North American Saturday night brought three more games with the first one being the expected easy victory of the Sydney Swans over the Brisbane Lions.  The victory was not that easy, however, as Lions played extremely well and just barely lost by 3 points.  Here, Sydney’s Buddy Franklin casually drops in a left-footed kick from over 50 meters for a goal:

If you don’t think that’s impressive, I don’t know what to tell you.

Later that evening, King Hippo’s Carlton Blues took on the Essendon Bombers in another match crucial to saving each team’s season.  Carlton held off a late Bombers rally and held on to win by 15.  Here, the Blues’ Bryce Gibbs does some quick thinking to score a goal:

Here, Alfonso Ribeiro celebrates the Blues’ win:

Honestly, if I was head of social media for Carlton, I’d work out a deal with Alfonso to create a video of him dancing and then drinking a refreshing

and show that EVERY TIME the Blues score.  It would never get old.

The last match of the Round had West Coast hosting the Collingwood Magpies.  It was always going to be a tall order for the Pies to have any kind of success as West Coast dominates at home with a 60+ point winning margin on average over the last year.  The Eagles stayed true and doubled up the Pies 124-62.   Even though the Pies lost, they did have this really nice play coming off a blocked kick:

Let’s take a look at the ladder, shall we?

There is not quite as much separation as I expected with some even groupings of teams at the various point levels.  It will be interesting to see who rises and who falls in the next few rounds.  Here is next week’s schedule (All times Pacific):

Friday May 6

Richmond v Hawthorn at MCG (2.50 AM)

Collingwood v Carlton at MCG (8.45pm)

Geelong v West Coast Eagles at Simonds Stadium (9.10pm)

Sydney Swans v Essendon at ANZ Stadium (11.35pm)

Saturday May 7

Gold Coast Suns v Melbourne at Metricon Stadium (12.10 AM)

Western Bulldogs v Adelaide at Etihad Stadium (2.40 AM)

Fremantle v GWS Giants at Subiaco Oval (3.10 AM)

St Kilda v North Melbourne at Etihad Stadium (10.20pm)

Port Adelaide v Brisbane Lions at Adelaide Oval (11.40pm)

 There are a lot of interesting games on tap.  This round seems like one of those rounds where we are going to get a few surprises.  Let’s see if that actually occurs. See you next week!