Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 31)

The scene: Inside the green Prius, where Wolfman Rob is driving like a madman with Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers in the backseat, hanging on for dear life. Mabel is of course riding shotgun.

Wolfman Rob: ARROOOOOO!!! Damn, boys, you’d better be glad I got you out of that mess! Them Men in Plaid don’t play around!

Ballsofsteelandfury: You know those guys?

Wolfman Rob: The Men in Plaid? Hell, son, they’ve been after ol’ Wolfman Rob for years! Ain’t no way they’re never gonna catch me, though. Ain’t that right, Mabel?

Mabel bounces in her seat, nodding affably.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, who are they?

Wolfman Rob: Spooks, son! The spookiest of spooks! They’re the boys that show up at your doorstep when you see a UFO or a ghost…hell, when weird crap goes down, the MIP’s show up!

Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers shoot startled looks at each other.

Ballsofsteelandfury (to Low Commander of the Super Soldiers): Have you ever heard of these guys?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: No. But then again, history was never my strong suit. I majored in Invasions, with an emphasis in Asia Minor. I did minor in Home Economics, though. I learned how to make a pretty incredible seal souffle.

Ballsofsteelandfury: You…you ate seal?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Oh, sure! Seal’s great. A little tough, but then you’d expect that from a twelve-ton killing machine.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Seals…?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: All teeth and claws, you know. And the two-headed ones are even worse.

Wolfman Rob (glancing in the rear view mirror): So, what the hell did you boys do to get on the MIP’s radar?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Gee…no idea! Maybe they just had the wrong guy.

Wolfman Rob: Ha! Not likely! Still, you ain’t got to worry about those guys once we got to ol’ Mexico!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Mexico…? Um, look, we’ve really got to get back to…

Wolfman Rob: Hey! You boys look smart! Which way is ol’ Mexico?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, it’s our neighbor to the south, so…

Wolfman Rob (expectantly): Yeah…?

Ballsofsteelandfury: South…?

Wolfman Rob (turning the Prius hard to the right and sending Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers sliding acorss their seat): Got it! TJ here we come! ARROOOOOO!!!

Cut to: The Men in Plaid, still out on the street. Man in Plaid #1 walks back to the motionless body of Man in Plaid #2, who is lying in a twisted heap.

Man in Plaid #1: You look unwell.

Man in Plaid #2: What happened?

Man in Plaid #1: You were struck by a bright green Honda Prius.

Man in Plaid #2: Ah, one of the “Silent Killers.” Did our target escape?

Man in Plaid #1: Yes, unfortunately. He is most elusive.

Man in Plaid #2: And irritating. That motion he makes with his fingers…

Man in Plaid #2 attempts to shoot a finger gun, but in his broken state it is but a sad mockery of Ballsofsteelandfury’s digitary prowess.

Man in Plaid #1 (leaving): Do not try to move. I will attempt to find help.

Cut to: Cookiethulhu carrying several bags of trash out of the DFO clubhouse and heading for the dumpster.

Cookiethulhu (singing): “Josie’s on a vacation far away…come around and talk it over…”

Cookiethulhu dumps the four bags in the dumpster. All of them are full of bottles. Beer bottles, vodka bottles, bourbon bottles, whiskey bottles, rum bottles, tequila bottles…and a single, suspicious peach schnapps bottle.

Cookithulhu (still singing): “So many things that I wanna say…you know I like my girls a little bit older…”

Cookiethulhu finishes throwing the last of the bottles out.

Cookiethulhu: Crikey! I can’t believe Beerguyrob’s had that song on auto-repeat all day.

Beerguyrob (sticking his head out the door): Hey, Prospect! I did mention that we separate our trash and our recyclables, didn’t I?

Beerguyrob ducks back inside as a botttle smashes against the door.

Cookiethulhu (grumbling): Right, then…of all the outlaw motorcycle clubs in the world, I end up with the ecologically-conscious one.

Cookiethulhu starts to climb into the dumpster, but then sees Man in Plaid #2 lying in the street.

Cookiethulhu: Stone the crows! I rather think that gent look familiar…

Flashback to: 1967. Cookiethulhu is running through Haight-Ashbury, with the two Men in Plaid in pursuit. The Men in Plaid look exactly the same. Cookiethulhu, on the other hand, has spinning eyes and his fur is standing on end. In technical terms, he is tripping balls.

Cookiethulhu (running): No way, man! You fuzz ain’t gonna take me in alive!

Man in Plaid #1 (in pursuit): Halt! You are an unauthorized metaphysical manifestation!

Man in Plaid #2 (also in pursuit): Return with us at once!

Cookiethulhu (tripping over a pile of hippies): AAAHHHHH The bugs are everywhere!!! Get ’em off me! Get ’em off!!!

Cut to: The present day again.

Cookiethulhu: Not my finest moment, I admit.

Cookiethulhu lumbers over toward Man in Plaid #2.

Cookiethulhu: So, we meet again, old chap.

Man in Plaid #2 (struggling to move his mangled body so that he can see): That gravelly voice…is that you, Margaret Thatcher?

Cookiethulhu: No, it’s not Thatcher, it’s…

Man in Plaid #2 (still struggling to look at Cookiethulhu): Charles Babbage? See here, Babbage, you and Thatcher will not evade us forever.

Cookiethulhu (sighing): No, I’m not Charles Babbage, either.

Man in Plaid #2 (finally maneuvering his head so that he can see Cookiethulhu): Oh, it is you. Well, I will have you know that you are in direct violation of Dimensional Edict #742, which clearly states that…

Cookiethulhu (interrupting): Oh, do save it, old man. I’m not chock-full of hash brownies this time. Although I did have a rather full meal this morning. Did you know this place has a three-foot waffle?

Man in Plaid #2: Do yourself a favor and surrender to me now.

Cookiethulhu (chuckling and picking up the mangled form of Man in Plaid #2): Not much chance of that, my good fellow. As a matter of fact…

Cookiethulhu opens his maw up and shoves Man in Plaid #2 inside. Man in Plaid #2 puts up a fight and attempts to hang on for dear life. Suddenly the door to the DFO clubhouse opens and Beerguyrob looks out.

Beerguyrob: Hey, what’re you doing out in the street?

Cookiethulhu (his mouth full of Man in Plaid): Mmrph?

Beerguyrob: Are you eating roadkill? That’s the second-most disgusting thing I’ve seen today.

Cookiethulhu (attempting to swallow Man in Plaid #2): Mmf.

Beerguyrob: Look, those bottles ain’t gonna separate themselves. Get on it. And then you get to clean the beer taps, an’ I wanna see those things shine.

Cookiethulhu (nodding): Mmo mmaf.

As Beerguyrob goes back inside the clubhouse, Cookiethulhu finally swallows Man in Plaid #2. He then lets out a humungous burp.

Cookiethulhu: Goodness me! Well, that’s one problem taken care of! Time to get back to work.

Cookiethulhu heads back into the clubhouse. All is quiet for a few moments, and then Man in Plaid #1 returns. He looks around for Man in Plaid #2, frowns in confusion, and then bends down to retrieve a piece of red fur from the road.

Man in Plaid #1 (inspecting the fur): This is most unfortunate. I may have to call for reinforcements…

To be continued…

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