Your “Home-Cooked Factory of Sadness Sadness” Wednesday Open Thread

A pretty full (Darnell) docket of NFL minutiae today:

  • nfl.com:
    The faces of competition.
    • NFL investigators are looking into whether Aqib Talib shot himself. I expect the crack team that investigated Brady’s deflated balls to eventually conclude “Touchdown Seahawks”. If they would just read Crimebeat!, their problems would be solved.
    • More musings that the starter’s job in San Francisco is Blaine Gabbert’s to lose. I’m highly anticipating a “Chip Kelly to Go With ‘The Flow'” headline close to the regular season.
  • ESPN:
    • In what seems like more of a typical Browns story, or possibly Bucs/MRSA circumstance, Jags WR Allen Hurns is allergic to grass. Martavis Bryant is desperately trying to find an out for himself in all of this.
    • Ravens DL Timmy Jernigan wanted to change his number to 99 to honour his idol Warren Sapp, and Sapp responded by demanding the kid not do that. Rumour is it’s because Jernigan stopped returning Sapp’s calls & texts, but I figure it’s because Sapp thought he was going to get paid for the honour, and has a hotel room and ‘entertainment’ he really needs covered this weekend.
    • In an actual “Thanks, Obama” moment, Broncos WR (& fantasy team poison) Demaryius Thomas personally thanked the President during the Broncos visit for pardoning his mother back in July. The pardon, as part of a blanket series granted to non-violent drug offenders, eliminated the remaining five years on her 20-year sentence for participating in his grandmother’s cocaine distribution ring. (BTW, Grandma is serving two life sentences for being the ringleader.)
  • SBNation:
    • A pretty chilling account from eyewitnesses about the moments leading to former Saint Will Smith’s murder. TL;DR – it pretty much invalidates self-defence.
    • The Dolphins might be interested in trading for Darren McFadden? What broken-down piece of junk would the Cowboys want in return? Would JERRAH accept payment in hookers?
  • Profootballtalk:
    • JPP is going to be doing a fireworks PSA in time for July 4th.
      • Not in time for his right hand, but just in time for his left.
    • Following up on the rumour of the Dolphins looking at possibly acquiring Run-DMC, PFT says the Fins are losing interest in signing Arian Foster.
    • If true, Andrew Luck’s contract extension will be worth about $25 million a year, $3 million more than elite QB Joe Flacco and a $9 million raise on his fifth-year option for 2016.
    • Finally, on a humourous note, Trent Richardson says the 2016 season begins his first steps towards the Hall of Fame.

In lesser sports news, Maria Sharapova was suspended two years for using banned substances, specifically the drug meldonium. According to the BBC, Meldonium – also known as mildronate – is a drug designed to treat ischemia, a condition where there is a reduction in blood supply to body tissue. It is also said to have benefits for diabetes sufferers. For athletes, it helps with oxygen delivery to the muscles, so it would help with endurance.

Clearly, an issue.

So far, no sign of it has turned up in any old Lance Armstrong samples, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.


In lesser sports reporting, someone at The Hollywood Reporter thought it would be a good idea to ask Bill Simmons some questions. Idiot. Among the factoids I cherry-picked:

ME! I ALSO INVENTED “30 for 30”! YUP, I DID IT!
  • ESPN = bad. Bad, bad men.
  • Roger Goodell + ESPN = Bill Simmons alone must pay.
  • Deadspin totally fucked him over. He’s an angel & team player.
  • Everybody wanted him, but HBO wants to love him.
    • He’s going to totally be the Bill Maher of sports, bros!
  • People who don’t like Bill say Bill is galvanizing, and that galvanizes Bill.
  • “30 for 30” totally sucks now. WHY MESS WITH A WINNING FORMULA?!
  • Did you know he’s from Boston? SHOCKER!

Read it if you dare, but be warned: It makes Peter King look self-aware.


So…Game 3 is tonight. Does it begin the comeback, or validate the LeBron-as-poison / Cleveland-is-cursed theories? I saw the 4th quarter of Game 2, and I have to tell you, Golden State looked pretty unbeatable. Seeing GSW roll Cleveland in the first two games must make OKC fans cry, and Sonics fans delighted. It seemed to me like Kerr’s defensive strategy was to triple LeBron and let the others shoot from outside, figuring that the stress of trying to compensate would crack their aim. Luckily, it turns out that’s one of the main theories so-called “experts” are going with.

One of the few benefits of having separate Canadian coverage (US-game broadcast, but pre-pregame and post-postgame Canadian commentary) due to how far the Raptors got is that I’m learning what snipers the Cavs were during their series against TO. Rod Black – who is as white as you’d expect from a Canadian basketball commentator – keeps going on about how the Warriors have rattled the Cavs into taking poor 3s rather than setting up a good shot. I don’t think that’s just the difference, but – okay.

If the Cavs win tonight, then we’ve got an actual series (maybe – see SJ-Pitt). But if they lose, and lose hard, then this is most likely over by Friday, and the team gets blown up on July 1, when free agency starts.


Tonight’s engaging sports contests:

NBA: Game 3 – Warriors @ Cavs – 9:00

Copa: streak broken – no wrecked anthems last night.

  • Brazil vs Haiti – 7:30 – Camping World Stadium, Orlando (future site of the Pro Bowl)
  • Ecuador vs Peru – 10:00 – University of Phoenix Stadium, Glendale

Alternative Programming:

  • NBC – American Ninja Warrior – 8:00
    • Why does everyone have to have a story? Why can’t one of them just say, “It looks like fun, so I figured ‘why not’?”
    • This show mostly reminds me how much I miss MXC.
  • ESPN Classic – Connors vs McEnroe; Evert vs Navratalova – 1982 Wimbledon Final – 8:00; 10:00
    • this one’s for Dok, as she is contemplating blowing a ton of money on strawberries & cream.
      • If you do go, please accept this London play recommendation – Sunny Afternoon
  • FX – The Americans – 10:00
    • Season 4 finale! Hopefully, it includes some gratuitous Keri Russell alongside good actor Keri Russell.

Myself, if I had the choice, I prefer London over New York as a tourist destination. It’s probably the history major in me. Also, MY EXTRA “U”‘s ARE NOT OUT OF PLACE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Covalent Blonde

Don’t fuck this up Giants!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m out.
Nite gents and lady.

Sill Bimmons
theeWeeBabySeamus

Those guys make great oats.

Sill Bimmons
Covalent Blonde

Who among us doesn’t have at least a little voyeur in them anyway?

Sill Bimmons

‘Fraid not.

Brocky

Evening Guys, Brocky needs some life advice:

Got offered a job today. Great right? Of course there’s all kinds of negatives, but let me put it in context:

I’m currently working a job that, while below my pay grade and education, is stable, and convenient, and I have a strong affinity for it. I could also most likely get a weekend gig out of it, if I wanted.

In my quest for new employment, I started applying at a lot of places outside my preferred field. (business admin with a minor in HR training). The job is outsourced advertising, contacting businesses and apartments about services, a lot of travel. today in the second interview, I got the hard stats: Strainght commission, “minimum potential” earning about 8K more than I earned this year, the hours are bizarre (11-8), an hour commute both ways with bad traffic, and no benefits due to the nature of the work (I already have my own insurance, but I was hoping to upgrade.). Additionally, the interview felt more like a sales pitch than an interview, talking about the potential earnings of straight commission and yadda yadda.

I know in order to advance professionally I need to get my foot in the door somewhere, and get some more distinguished experience under my belt, but I don’t know if its my complacency rearing its ugly head, or are these simply my survival instincts and I should trust them.

Glassdoor, a vaguely reliable site rating potential employers, had mixed reviews on the company, describing them as “hiring a bunch of workers, throwing them at the wall, and seeing what sticks.” Not sure if that’s the kind of place I want to be

I need to make a decision by tomorrow, and I’m not sure if I should go to the people I know, as they have shown to be extremely unsupportive in considering other factors besides a bottom line.

All paths are murky. Don’t know what to do, anyone feel like throwing in their two cents?

Sill Bimmons
Covalent Blonde

Obviously, the simple answer is to do what feels right, kiddo, but I gotta say I have misgivings about this opportunity and I am not sure I would be hot to jump on this train. I would aggressively look for other opportunities. This one may seem like a great step forward and I am prone to rash decisions myself, but it sounds like you are already a little tepid going into it and that’s not the right way to feel going into it. On the other hand, commuting is a great way to correct any hypotensive blood pressure problems you might have and would be a great time to invest in some Nexium stock for the soon-to-develop ulcers!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Without actually giving $0.02, I’d say trust your gut. Sounds like you’ve got some misgivings (warranted it seems btw), about the new gig. It’s not complacency to stand pat until the right opportunity presents itself.

From your description, not sure this is it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

As someone who is currently looking for a similar upgrade in employment, I didn’t have to read much past your second paragraph to know this isn’t right for you.

Remember, you are secure and happy (enough) right now. YOU are interviewing THEM for why they would be a good fit for you, not the other way around. You have the power for once and possibly the only time during this process. Take as much advantage of that while you can, because it probably won’t happen again.

Wakezilla

This. This so much

Wakezilla

Do what is right for you. From what you describe, I wouldn’t personally go for the job. I’m always skeptical with jobs that seem more like sales pitches. Those usually sound so culty.

Unsurprised

I wouldn’t do it. It sounds sketchy as Hell.

Covalent Blonde

It’s like a GIF of me at work… not in a sexual way.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thank god for that. That’s NOT the look you’d want to convey..

Covalent Blonde

I’m pretty sure that’s the face I make on the phone 90% of the time.

theeWeeBabySeamus

(don’t make phone sex joke….don’t make phone sex joke….don’t make phone sex joke)

Sill Bimmons

Big Duke Six Eagle’s Crossing,

Go PsyOp,

Make It Loud.

Sill Bimmons
Unsurprised

Sometimes you get the prey

http://66.media.tumblr.com/f55ccb1db51c067f88dee15e768fa798/tumblr_o8a6aoU5Y71s02vreo1_250.gif

… and sometimes Cleveland smashes your fucking face in.

ballsofsteelandfury

Love this gif!

Remember, cat owners, your cat is secretly plotting this exact move!

Covalent Blonde

Oh little Corona can, you are having so much more fun than anyone who has ever been drinking you.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You know, I’ve heard that people who talk to inanimate objects are a bit off kilter.
I forget who told me that, but you might need to get the noggin doc to have a little looksee.

Unsurprised

Was it Mr. Bourble by any chance?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I certainly cannot be ruled out.

Senor Weaselo

Whoa, whoa, chanting Cavs in 6? Let’s not get hasty here, you’re still Cleveland.

Senor Weaselo

So, home-court advantage is worth, what, 50 points nowadays?

Covalent Blonde

Unexpectedly so. Unexpectedly. Hmmm.

Covalent Blonde

So, I know it’s a blowout and all, but why does no one seem to give a shit here? I mean on either team or even the fans?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Because the checks clear.

Sill Bimmons

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Covalent Blonde

When visiting a natural history museum, I, too, bring Taco Bell

theeWeeBabySeamus

Spoiler Free The Americans finale review…
Meh.

Re: the Americans, did anything really happen this season, I watched it all and they seem to ratchet down the pacing to a crawl.

Covalent Blonde

I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, MOUNTAIN DEW!

Senor Weaselo

Nobody understands Mountain Dew, but the red one is my official drink the week before major recitals, and the blue one’s, well, blue.

Sill Bimmons

Nobody understands your brominated vegetable oils either.

Unsurprised

comment image

montythisseemsstrangetome

I’m not watching basketball. MAY I STILL STAND HERE?

WCS

Senor Weaselo

Even the Basketball Iggles couldn’t mess this up, right?

Redshirt

BREAKING NEWS

Rumors of unionization of the labor force has caused uncertainty with Factory of Sadness on the Stock Exchange. Investors are nervous.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Cavs up by 20?
Steph is non-existent?
Kyrie is useful!?
This must be the work oooooooof…
https://youtu.be/A1UFAZvCDmQ?t=1m57s

Senor Weaselo

Once again worth asking, anyone check up on Covalent?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Why, what did I miss?

ballsofsteelandfury

The Sharkopalypse

Covalent Blonde

I don’t understand my teams!!!!! My Sharks are sharking, my Splash brothers had more fouls than points in the first half, and my Giants have a phobia for being over .600. I think we had a football team once

/NOT THE RAIDERS, shut the fuck up RTD!

Redshirt

People who follow the NBA: Please explain how this is happening.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

One team is putting that round object through the hoop more than the other.

Redshirt

Oh, God. Thanks for reminding me that this country is screwed. Either Trump wins or Hillary wins and and Cruz will come in like a white knight and we got him to worry about in ’20.

rockingdog

Bad night for warriors so far… Curry has gone 1 for 10.. Yikes!

Redshirt

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

How long will it be before this lead disappears?

Sill Bimmons

Dirt Stillers vs. Dirt Jets into extra innings.

Senor Weaselo

Come on Dirt Stillers, the Dirt Giants already won.

makeitsnowondem

Pretty excited about resuming drinking tomorrow, you guys.

Sill Bimmons

Badgers drink?

makeitsnowondem

Have you even been to Madison?

Sill Bimmons
BrettFavresColonoscopy

What’s lined up to end the drought?

makeitsnowondem

Stone Enjoy By 7/4/16 and Oasis Lake Monster, to start.

Sill Bimmons
WCS

My favorite track of that album.

Sill Bimmons

Mine as well.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

http://www.sports-reference.com/cfb/players/jhurell-pressley-1.html

I don’t know who this Jhurell Pressley is, but he should’ve gotten more carries.

rockingdog

Hahahaa jr smith hit a half court shot to end the half…. But it doesn’t count. LOL!
So Cleveland. So jr smith…

WCS

You wanna see helicopters?

herodotus450

THATS Adam Silver? I didn’t know he was part elephant, part Pierre McGuire.

rockingdog

He is skinny and bald. Yikes!

rockingdog

I don’t really trust guys with long ties like he was wearing….

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Seeing guys like Livingston and Carsen Palmer continue to do good shit fills me with hope.

Redshirt

I can’t speak about Livingston but Palmer doing good normally fills me with “impending doom”.

Senor Weaselo

I thought that was just from waking up in the morning.

Sill Bimmons

Dirt Jets 5 — 5 Dirt Stillers middle 8th.

Redshirt

Dirt Bengals 5 – Dirt Hey, Where are you Going with my Team?! 12 top 8

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Klay Thompson: Man

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

“I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.”

herodotus450

I gave up on The Americans, but i WOULD watch just the shots of Keri Russell edited together as a sort of Dada-esque/masturbatory display.

Redshirt

Uh oh, Golden State has woken up from their jetlag.

Sill Bimmons

BULLPEN HAS REACHED LEVEL: AUGEAN STABLES

WCS

rockingdog

Klay Thompson please don’t be injured…

Croooow

Cavs are going to eff this up, somehow.

WCS

Redshirt

Nah. They’ll win the next two games, so the Golden State can clinch it in Game 6 in front of Cleveland.

WCS

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makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

Unsurprised

Where?

Sill Bimmons

Mustelidae.

Redshirt

Anyone else have flashbacks to the 2003 Wild Card Game between the Browns and Steelers? We could be seeing it in basketball form.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

comment image

Redshirt

Your error brings us joy.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Hmm, a Spike Lee Ghostbusters? I kinda like that.
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51SF51KKG8L.jpg

On 2nd thought, never mind.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Better than Tyler Perry Presents: Madea, I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost

Redshirt

Cleveland completely outplayed Golden State. In a playoff game.

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/list/000/651/130/1b8.gif